Dejavu

[smilieman]

31 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Have you made an actual appointment with the solicitor, in her office?

Damn, I called the divorce woman directly and left a voice message, rather than the main switchboard number.  I have sent an email describing the situation and urgency requesting a call back and I shall also call then when they open in the morning.

I have actually just looked at the reviews and they are terrible, so won't use those.

I have located a city firm with good reviews and shall call first thing

[boltnrun]

Keep in mind, "terrible reviews" are often left by people who lost out to this attorney. It's sour grapes because she got the better of their attorney.

[LaHermes]

51 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I have located a city firm with good reviews and shall call first thing

Very good idea.  Go for the best you can get. 

Here is a useful link (this is a big organization):

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Get-Support

[smilieman]

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Very good idea.  Go for the best you can get. 

Here is a useful link (this is a big organization):

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Get-Support

Thanks

[smilieman]

I think I have worked out how my wife was having an affair - it's been bugging me.  I have already said that she was either at home with me or at work and that she was actually at work as I used to call her there - so how did she do it?

Well, the other party would have to live local or just outside the town and have a car.  On a Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I watch a scheduled live news stream from 1pm until 2pm.  She call me at 12:30 and knows that I will hang up at 1pm.  She then goes "to lunch".

Now, years ago, when we first got into a relationship together after a couple of years of working together, her boyfriend was at work just out of town and didn't come home for lunch.  Every now and again she used to bring the car to work and we would zip down to her house for a bit of rumpy-pumpy.  So basically I reckon she has been doing that.

That is the only way it could have been achieved and it is shallow, manipulative, deceitful and bloody outright disgusting way for a person to behave.  No shame, no morals and she has the audacity to tell me that she loved me and that she cares for me?  Those statements are to satisfy her own guilt.

By my calculations, this has only been going on about 6 weeks maximum, as I used to send her photos and comments while I was watching the live stream and she used to respond.  Then she started watching it at work about 6 weeks ago and still made comments and then no more comments were made.  So 4-6 weeks, so there can't be any depth to it.

Good luck to them, what a horrible person she really is!

I feel the changes inside happening already.  Feel really gutted though.

[smilieman]

14 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Thanks

Ah thank you.  Just had a look and started to go through.  I haven't got all that bloomin' information as the wife has it all filed away and it looks as if you need to know where you are living, eg. We rent privately (but I don't pay the rent), but I won't be living here, so I'll have to work out where I will be living I suppose.

I shall have a look later when my head is more screwed on.  Thanks for this.

[smilieman]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's sour grapes because she got the better of their attorney.

Not necessarily.  She has the better one in our town, I'm going to the City firm.  Even though "her" firm has a branch there, there are much better divorce lawyers up there, I think I found an OK one:

The founder here has a really good rating: http://www.fmfamilylaw.co.uk/who-we-are/fm-familylaw-team/

or

I could really wind the wife up and use a firm that she really hates as one of the lawyers that works there that she deals with in the Private Client department, is always questionning her work ... and most of the time he is right that she hasn't considered something or got something wrong - https://www.leathesprior.co.uk/services/divorce-and-separation

AND.... word may just get around that she is being divorced for "Wife's unreasonable behaviour"

Think I'll use them then! 🙂

[DancingFool]

50 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Now, years ago, when we first got into a relationship together after a couple of years of working together, her boyfriend was at work just out of town and didn't come home for lunch.  Every now and again she used to bring the car to work and we would zip down to her house for a bit of rumpy-pumpy.  So basically I reckon she has been doing that.

So let me get this straight - when you were the other man and helped her cheat on her then bf it was all good? Now that you are the one being cheated on, it's suddenly bad? Oh come on....have some shame....

[boltnrun]

Wow, really? She cheated with you? 

It does seem a bit ironic how these things come back around. 

How do you reconcile this in your mind?

[smilieman]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

So let me get this straight - when you were the other man and helped her cheat on her then bf it was all good? Now that you are the one being cheated on, it's suddenly bad? Oh come on....have some shame....

No, not at all.  I had huge problems with my conscience, to such a degree that a few months afterwards I went to see him to apologise.  I told him he had every right to deck me and he said that she wasn't worth it and wished me good luck.  Fairly ok guy actually.  I expect that this is Karma playing its role.

[smilieman]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Wow, really? She cheated with you? 

It does seem a bit ironic how these things come back around. 

How do you reconcile this in your mind?

As I said to DancingFool, I think that I probably deserve it - Karma, eh?  I hate to think what her Karma debt will be.  As she cheated on her boyfriend before her last boyfriend, who she cheated on for me.  And I think there was also one more prior to him also.  Didn't find that out til a couple of years back.  Should have been weary then.  Why wouldn't she cheat on me, it's all she has ever done.  I supposed I thought we were married and it meant something.

[Wiseman2]

She moved out already, no? And figured out how to support you for a while, no? So you're  more than halfway there. Get a decent attorney. Try not to be cheap with healthcare and lawyers.

[smilieman]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She moved out already, no? And figured out how to support you for a while, no? So you're  more than halfway there. Get a decent attorney. Try not to be cheap with healthcare and lawyers.

She has moved out but not completely yet.  I shall!

[DancingFool]

9 minutes ago, smilieman said:

No, not at all.  I had huge problems with my conscience, to such a degree that a few months afterwards I went to see him to apologise.  I told him he had every right to deck me and he said that she wasn't worth it and wished me good luck.  Fairly ok guy actually.  I expect that this is Karma playing its role.

Oh yes, your conscience was so greatly bothered that it totally didn't stop you from getting involved and fcking another man's woman. Like I said...have some shame.... Wow...just wow....

Fairly ok guy - meaning he has the self respect you can only dream about.

Well....at least the lawyers will laugh all the way to the bank as two disordered twits go at each other.

Hope this was all worth wrecking your health over. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, smilieman said:

As I said to DancingFool, I think that I probably deserve it - Karma, eh?  I hate to think what her Karma debt will be.  As she cheated on her boyfriend before her last boyfriend, who she cheated on for me.  And I think there was also one more prior to him also.  Didn't find that out til a couple of years back.  Should have been weary then.  Why wouldn't she cheat on me, it's all she has ever done.  I supposed I thought we were married and it meant something.

Never mind what she did or didn't do. How do you reconcile what YOU did?

I guess you have to accept what's happening now. Reaping what you sow and all that.

Life is full of lessons, no?

[smilieman]

2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Oh yes, your conscience was so greatly bothered that it totally didn't stop you from getting involved and fcking another man's woman. Like I said...have some shame.... Wow...just wow....

Fairly ok guy - meaning he has the self respect you can only dream about.

Well....at least the lawyers will laugh all the way to the bank as two disordered twits go at each other.

Hope this was all worth wrecking your health over. 

Thank you very much, I'll take that hit on the chin.  I have already said that I deserve it.  Yes he had more self-respect than me then. 

We all learn and grow.  I have taken your comments and seriously thinking about my actions and yes, I probably deserve all that I get.

Apart from that one thing though, I have been respectful to all other men and women who I have interacted with in my life.  I help others as much as I can, so hopefully that will help repair the karma just a tad, perhaps.

You have clearly made your point and rubbed it firmly in the wound.

Respect to you. 🙂

[smilieman]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Never mind what she did or didn't do. How do you reconcile what YOU did?

I guess you have to accept what's happening now. Reaping what you sow and all that.

Life is full of lessons, no?

Something to ponder on.  I suppose one doesn't really think to hard about that stuff when life is going fine.  But when discussions like this happen with honest people who pull no punches, then it helps to highlight how the universe truly works and how one's actions have effects more than they could know.

Yep, I am coming into acceptance, for sure and those life lessons can hit a message home loud and clear, can't they.

I will certainly be thinking on this for a while to come I suspect and I am sure that when the opportunity comes to reconcile my actions, there will be no question that I will accept that moment openly and fix that which I have played a part in breaking.

[smilieman]

So, there's me thinking that the discussion we had the weekend before last had caused this issue, I am no of the opinion that it was only the catalyst to something that was going to happen anyway.

Reason? Well, I have noticed that none of the post that has arrived since the weekend has been addressed to her.  This means that she has put a redirect on and it is being delivered to her new address, as it's pointless doing this for a temporary one.  So she has somehow either been seeing somebody else regularly, or has rented a place by herself and is seeing somebody.

Redirects take a few days to activate, so she must have done this last week, prior to her week off.

This has been long planned and it has had nothing to do with the conversation we had that I thought initiated this entire thing.

How awful to think she has been arranging this the entire time and pretending that our relationship is fine.

[smilieman]

I have also just discovered that her passport and all other important documentation has gone from the filing cabinet.  This has been long-planned and was going to happen anyway this week regardless.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, smilieman said:

I have also just discovered that her passport and all other important documentation has gone from the filing cabinet.  

So? She told you she was not coming back.

Of course it was planned. She's been unhappy for a long long time, and you know that.

[smilieman]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So? She told you she was not coming back.

Of course it was planned. She's been unhappy for a long long time, and you know that.

How do I know that?  From the last time 10 years ago?

[Rose Mosse]

You're probably still in shock but most of all denial from years of telling yourself this marriage was workable. It takes time to get back on your feet again, really get back on them and not look back. You've depended on her for way too long.

Something that stood out to me was a couple of comments being "loud" or "shouty". She stopped communicating with you because she likely didn't want to play any more mind games with you or be manipulated into disagreements/arguments or seemingly logical explanations that disregard how she feels in the marriage. She was finished with you for a long time. That hurts but you'll move past this in time. 

Part of the reason why this is so hard to accept is because you've depended on her for everything for far too long - financially and emotionally. You mentioned feeling isolated without friends. 

All that has to change. You are on your own now so change your mindset. 

[smilieman]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

You're probably still in shock but most of all denial from years of telling yourself this marriage was workable. It takes time to get back on your feet again, really get back on them and not look back. You've depended on her for way too long.

Something that stood out to me was a couple of comments being "loud" or "shouty". She stopped communicating with you because she likely didn't want to play any more mind games with you or be manipulated into disagreements/arguments or seemingly logical explanations that disregard how she feels in the marriage. She was finished with you for a long time. That hurts but you'll move past this in time. 

Part of the reason why this is so hard to accept is because you've depended on her for everything for far too long - financially and emotionally. You mentioned feeling isolated without friends. 

All that has to change. You are on your own now so change your mindset. 

Yes I am still in shock and I was never telling myself that this marriage was workable. Denial? Maybe.

I cannot understand why she would stay with me, be unhappy and not say anything so that it can be discussed.  Please understand that I wasn't shouty all of the time - far from it.  Just on the odd occasion that I was extremely frustrated, so it was not commonplace.

Mindgames?  Manipulated?  All I wanted was a discussion.  I never disregarded how she feels in the marriage.  She never showed or expressed her dissatisfaction in anything and if there was a time that I saw or felt things were different in her - such as being down - I would always sit down over a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a chat about it.

Yes, I am isolated and all my family has died, we have moved around with her work to  different towns and three of my best long-term friends are not around anymore due to accidents and cancer.  I find it hard to make friends as the majority of these types of relationships are superficial.  True deep friendship I had and now haven't.  I have just two friendships left and they are a blessing, but they are not local to me.

Yes it does hurt and time will heal.

I have depended on her, that's true.  We had planned to setup and operate a business abroad for many years and were working towards that together.  We both wanted that and were excited.  But at some stage she decided that doing her job was what she wanted to do after all, but still gave the impression that she wanted what we had built - and yes, we had built it.  If this pandemic hadn't come along, then we could have been good to go this year.

Mindset changing... There is no way that I will stand in her way, I never would.  Had she decided that she wanted out and talked to me about it at any stage, then I would have happily had that conversation ... together with the tears.  However, lying, deceit and doing things behind my back isn't good behaviour in my book, especially in a relationship and especially when there is nothing in that relationship that is put in question.  All she had to do was talk, she chose deceit.

Having said that, I will not hold that against her.  It's obvious she has started a different journey and I will happily start mine, however painful.

I have been working on this all day today, to get back on my feet and make some sense of all this.  I really am frustrated that I cannot work as this would help immensely.  I have started the process of getting on my feet again and those that understand Vestibular Migraine would know how much of a struggle this is.  I am literally spinning so hard because of the stress and my upper back is so painful and burning, as are my arms.  This is not a panic attack, but a neurological one.  The stress has increased it to a level I have never known.  I am only looking for understanding of how much effort it takes, just to type this and deal with this under this much uncontrollable stress.

If she was finished with me for a long time, then she should have discussed a breakup sooner.  Doing what she did is manipulation, as you pointed that I did(?), making your husband believe that everything is fine, continuing making plans and acting the same in the relationship as you always have, is manipulation.  She may have done it to guard her emotions, but hasn't bothered to consider mine.  A discussion is all it would have taken.

I will never see how somebody can fake being in love in order to deceive somebody else into thinking things are normal that they haven't bothered to mention they are no longer into, all while arranging a exit route of a relationship 'behind the scenes'.

I am not being nasty here in my intention or tone, but to me this screams desperation of not wanting to be alone and waiting for a better option to come along.  Her history has shown this and this situation has proved this.

I have accepted the situation and now that I know she isn't happy, I have no reason to try to stop or be nasty or anything.  She could have saved all this stress for both of us by talking when she had the chance at marriage counseling 10 years back when I was prepared in my mind to let her go if she wanted that and she had that same chance at any stage during the following 10 years.  No need for lies, no need for deceit and no need to playing the "games" she has played that I stood accused of.

Sorry for the long one and just for the record, I'm not looking for an argument, just trying to convey my viewpoint. 😕

 

[boltnrun]

39 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I will never see how somebody can fake being in love in order to deceive somebody else into thinking things are normal that they haven't bothered to mention they are no longer into, all while arranging a exit route of a relationship 'behind the scenes'.

She did this before except you were the "exit route of a relationship 'behind the scenes'". I presume you were delighted to be the beneficiary of her deceit back then. 

And since she knew you were also deceptive, why are you surprised that she's treating you the same as the ex you helped her cheat on? She thinks you're the same as her! Because you acted like you were.

I just don't understand why any of this is a surprise to you. And no wonder you have health issues; you probably knew she would someday do you the way she did her ex and the stress got to you.

I hope your next relationship doesn't go the way this one did, starting with lies and deceit and ending with the same. I hope you learned from this.

And you should probably see a doctor asap. Otherwise you could end up in the ER.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, smilieman said:

I have accepted the situation and now that I know she isn't happy, I have no reason to try to stop or be nasty or anything.  She could have saved all this stress for both of us by talking when she had the chance at marriage counseling 10 years back when I was prepared in my mind to let her go if she wanted that and she had that same chance at any stage during the following 10 years.  No need for lies, no need for deceit and no need to playing the "games" she has played that I stood accused of.

 

Both of you deserve to find some happiness outside of this marriage. It wasn't working for awhile and perhaps it had a shaky foundation to start, considering the cheating when you both started dating. What matters most in the here and now is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and she is not committed to the marriage. Her actions speak louder than words. 

You also had the choice to end the marriage without continuing or reconciling. You made a choice to stay and I'd encourage you to own that. No one told you you had to stay. You stayed in the marriage because that's what you wanted. 

Take care of your health first and foremost. It's one day at a time. 

Might I suggest journaling as a safe space to organize your thoughts or work out those difficult emotions. You're mentioning great stress. It helped me a lot. Keep the faith. I personally found it much more peaceful writing in private and it was also a great way to examine my own thoughts or biases and review again what matters most to me. Best of luck on your journey. Do keep posting if it helps too.