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41 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Come now, OP. There is a remedy for everything. 

Just find a law firm/solicitor somewhere outside your vicinity.  as I said maybe your friend will be able to recommend. 

The psychologist is a professional who will know exactly what to say to you and what questions to ask.  It isn't an examination. Lol.

 

OK that sounds like a plan.  I've never seen a psychologist before, just a counsellor.

I really appreciate your support, it helps more than you know just having someone giving pointers.  There is so much on my mind at the moment, mainly practical stuff and how I've realised that my whole life is hinged on my wife - she controls everything.  I don't even know how to access my bloomin' bank account as I haven't used it for so long.  She always does everything.  So, I'm feeling a bit lost and your input helps greatly.

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Posted (edited)

OP. Psychologists also do counselling. 

However, the world is plagued by amateur "counsellors" with no qualifications.

It will be great for you to become independent again, to handle your own business, your bank accounts and your life.

"She always does everything"

I am sure you now realise that was of itself a dysfunctional way of living a relationship, any relationship. 

Edited by LaHermes
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5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

"She always does everything"

I am sure you now realise that was of itself a dysfunctional way of living a relationship, any relationship.

Totally.  I wonder if it was by design.......it never used to be that way until I was ill and I couldn't work.

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It was absolutely amazing when so many of my health issues resolved themselves once I got away from my toxic ex.

I didn't want the relationship to end. But after some time it became clear it was the best possible thing that could have happened.

I see a psychologist. It really helps to talk things through with her.

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41 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

It no longer matters now, OP.  Onwards and upwards!

There will be much to be done in the weeks ahead. Get plenty of sleep.

Wish I could be that positive! 🙂  Just tried to sleep and started to get go shakey again..so much for a good night sleep!

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It was absolutely amazing when so many of my health issues resolved themselves once I got away from my toxic ex.

Seriously?  They just all disappeared?  That's brilliant.  I have always wondered if mine was due that that initial issue 10 years back.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.

 

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't want the relationship to end. But after some time it became clear it was the best possible thing that could have happened.

Me neither, but since she said that she has feelings for another - probably having an affair - that's it for me.  That is my line in the sand, unless she is just saying that so I don't chase after her as she knows my thoughts completely.  But, that's her choice.

 

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I see a psychologist. It really helps to talk things through with her.

That's good, perhaps it will help me also.  I really can't see a good ending to this for me, but with you guys' support here and a couple of distant friends (not local), it looks like I have all the support I need and I couldn't be more grateful.

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I'm not sure I can do this.  I feel that this is an enormous task and that I won't ever get over this.  I can't sleep not just for one hour or so and it's tormenting the hell out of me.  How can I go on?

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12 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I'm not sure I can do this.  I feel that this is an enormous task and that I won't ever get over this.  I can't sleep not just for one hour or so and it's tormenting the hell out of me.  How can I go on?

Please contact a trusted friend for support.  And please do not hesitate to contact the appropriate professionals if you start to feel like you are going over the edge.  There's no shame in asking for help when you need it.  I did.

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34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please contact a trusted friend for support.  And please do not hesitate to contact the appropriate professionals if you start to feel like you are going over the edge.  There's no shame in asking for help when you need it.  I did.

I have.  I called the Samartitans.  It suddenly comes over me.  I'm sure it will go, but the enormity of everything and the how everything has suddenly happened within a week doesn't makes sense.  We were planning stuff for the future 2 weeks ago and now she's living with somebody else, even though we are always together and she is at work 15 minutes down the road.  It doesn't makes sense how she has met anoybody else and got to know them.  It's mind blowing and so gutting.

I know I need sleep but it doesn't come. 45 minutes that's all I have had.

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There is no logic to this.

No way has she got feelings for anybody else and I think it's a lie to ensure that I don't try to get her to come back.

She is always with me or at work and I know she's there as I call her and she calls me at lunchtime for the entire hour every single day.  I tell her not to call, but she does anyway - why, if she didn't want to be with me?

Why would she set up a joint bank account 2 weeks ago - her idea?

Why would she talk through things we could do this year?

Why would she spend hundreds of pounds on a rented houses garden to put it straight for the summer and grow some vegetables, if she had somebody else?

She knows my feelings about if she had an affair then that would be that and I think it's a ploy so that I don't chase her.

It's still not ok, but I cannot see the logic of what she is telling me.

Sorry to go on, but I'm a guy that tried to make things make sense.

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11 hours ago, LaHermes said:

OP. Psychologists also do counselling. 

Appointment arranged with the Health & Well-Being Service for tomorrow.  I confirmed that they are a team of Psychologists and Counsellors - so hopefully that will be the right place to start. 🙂

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33 minutes ago, smilieman said:

 - so hopefully that will be the right place to start. 🙂

Yes. They can suggest/ refer you to the appropriate neurologist and physicians for  appropriate evaluation and treatment for the moods, anxiety, neurological issues, etc.

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7 hours ago, smilieman said:

I'm a guy that tried to make things make sense.

OP. Don't even go there. You must stop the rumination and circular thinking, treadmill style. The psychologist will help you with this.

Never mind what she is doing. You are now on the road out of this swamp. Don't let Malignant Optimism and Malignant Nostalgia hinder you.

Keep going!

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3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

OP. Don't even go there. You must stop the rumination and circular thinking, treadmill style. The psychologist will help you with this.

Never mind what she is doing. You are now on the road out of this swamp. Don't let Malignant Optimism and Malignant Nostalgia hinder you.

Keep going!

I'm on a roll, despite the negative talk in my head.  Got another appointment tomorrow with Citizens Advice regarding Universal Credit and another appointment with them in a week and a half to discuss everything else - like housing, etc.

I have also called a Solicitor specialising in divorce, as I don't feel comfortable with the wife just coming by and taking "her stuff" when she has failed to communication exactly what "stuff" she will be taking.  I left a voicemail (no reply yet) and I shall phone again in the morning if I haven't heard, as I have requested advice on what I can do about that!

All scary and extremely uncomfortable stuff that I don't really want to do, but I have no choice.

I have come to the realisation today, after a friend come round, that I can not accept being treated like this, especially a second time.  She will take her baggage with her as she has never dealt with the stuff that she needs to deal with, never taken the time to critically think about why she does these things and she never has any space on her own between relationships, going from one to the next.  I fear that it will only be a matter of time when she does it again to the next guy.

I have been thinking hard about how somebody who is supposed to love you, can lie and deceive so readily and execute well calculated plans to leave without even having the decency to discuss things and with absolutely no regard to the carnage and damage it creates.  I can easily understand this kind of behaviour if it was a violent relationship, but this one was definately not.  This is what marriage guidance does, they facilitate an amicable split so that both parties can come to terms with things.  How can one ever come to terms with things when they don't know the reasons why, there's no discussion and it's a hard break - it isn't right and it clearly shows how they thought of you ... and really, for how long.

I am really grateful for your help and support, please believe me, you used your eyes that could clearly see that which I could not.  Now it's getting clearer, although the pain doesn't go away.

Working with the psychologist should allow me to work towards gaining closure from my perspective and once and for all solve the puzzle of why I always feel so devastated.

Thank you and thanks to everyone that is helping me on this journey (to Freedom?).

Stu

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4 minutes ago, smilieman said:

she never has any space on her own between relationships, going from one to the next.  I fear that it will only be a matter of time when she does it again to the next guy.

Not your problem OP. You also have (you said) a number of nightmarish relationships. Your words. 

Please stop phoning her until you have first seen your solicitor, and thereafter let him/her deal directly with your wife. When she eventually comes to take her belongings you will make a point of not being there.  Have someone else be in the house when she comes. And get the solicitor to obtain a note from her listing what she wishes to take away.

Yes, the psychologist will help you (and will NOT tell you what to do!) to gain closure in this particular situation. More importantly the psychologist must delve into - with you - the reasons for getting into one disastrous relationship after another, and why you became so dependent on your STBX.  You also have your baggage. Remember that. 

I agree with another poster that your physical ailments and symptoms may well alleviate once you are out of this swamp. 

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Please stop phoning her until you have first seen your solicitor, and thereafter let him/her deal directly with your wife.

Yes I will.  I hope the solicitor calls back, perhaps she will in the morning.

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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Have someone else be in the house when she comes. And get the solicitor to obtain a note from her listing what she wishes to take away.

What a good plan.  This will mean that she probably won't be able to come and get her clothes for work next week if it's not sorted tomorrow.  As the end of the week approaches fast. Eek!

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Posted (edited)

Have you made an actual appointment with the solicitor, in her office?

Not just "hoping she will call back". 

And it is important you level with the solicitor on all points. Disclose the 1.500 gbp your wife put in the account for you, and the fact that she is prepared to pay your bills for the next three months .  

Do not waste the solicitor's time telling him how awful it is that your wife has found "someone else".  Stick to the dry practicalities and nothing else.

By the same token don't spend your time and money at the psychologist's telling him how awful your wife is for finding someone else and all the rest.

Concentrate on YOU and you alone. 

Edited by LaHermes
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6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

agree with another poster that your physical ailments and symptoms may well alleviate once you are out of this swamp.

Now this is the interesting one, I also think this too, as my symptoms have seriously increased in all of this.  I have a bad vertigo attack this morning, my head felt it was about to explode and my heart almost burst through my chest.  Combination of Vertigo attack and Panic attack?  Or, is it that I have been having an ongoing sort of "panic attack" for the past 7 years due to trauma?

I have been doing a lot of thinking and discovery as to when these symptoms arose, as I stated before, when I was treading on egg-shells wondering if she would leave again.  Funny things it, developing an extremelly complex issue like mine could well be a subconscious construct designed for her to stay with me, as she will then think that she can't go because I need caring for.

"caring for" has developed into her taking control of every single aspect of our lives, leaving me powerless.  I trusted that she wouldn't do that again - I was wrong.

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6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Have you made an actual appointment with the solicitor, in her office?

Not just "hoping she will call back". 

And it is important you level with the solicitor on all points. Disclose the 1.500 gbp your wife put in the account for you, and the fact that she is prepared to pay your bills for the next three months .  

Do not waste the solicitor's time telling him how awful it is that your wife has found "someone else".  Stick to the dry practicalities and nothing else.

By the same token don't spend your time and money at the psychologist's telling him how awful your wife is for finding someone else and all the rest.

Concentrate on YOU and you alone. 

No I haven't spoken to her yet as it went to voicemail.  Perhaps I should try another one in the morning.  I don't want to use a company in the same town as there is little quality firms to choose from apart from the one my wife works for.  I think that would be a conflict of interest!

Neighbouring towns/villages are small and don't have big firms that cater for divorce that I can find.  Perhaps I'll need to call one in the city.  I shall see if I can find one and get it lined up for first thing.

Yes I shall send them the text by email as I saved it.

No I won't.  I do have a tendancy to waffle about things, but I shall stick to the facts and concentrate on me.

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You did not have to agree to the "powerless" vibe, OP.  Why would a grown man want a caretaker. 

You are of course right here.  But I was really ill for a few years and couldn't really do too much and then when I felt a bit better, we just carried on doing what she had set up.  It is definitely something that I need to address, but I also think that it could have something to do with feeling powerless ad feeble after the first time she left ... it broke me down I think.

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