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4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

 

You were right.  Here's what I received today:

"

I'm so sorry to do this. I appreciate the email you sent. I know you will never understand and forever hate me. I won't blame you.  I have feelings for someone else and it really isn't someone I work with. It isn't right to be with us in that situation and I haven't taken this decision lightly, I thought about it long and hard as I care about you so much and of course have loved you for a long time. I'm not coming back to live at the house.

I will not abandon you at all, I will pay the rent and bills for three months.

There will be £1500 in your bank account today for food and stuff.

The pension payment will be in joint account, I will not touch it but you can leave it there and hide it so pretend you don't have it.

I don't want to be horrible putting in this info but you don't know it x

I'm so sorry, when we had counselling 9 years ago I thought we would be back on track for good, I really wanted it too and we have been great for years. It had nothing to do with you being poorly at all or not working, all I ever wanted was for you to get better. I can't explain why.

"

I said this in return:

I don't know how she has met somebody as we are always together or she is at work just down the road from me.  It doesn't make sense.

You should have spoken to me about this hunny, it's not right to do it this way when we have been together so long and have so much to sort out and talk about.

Can we meet sooner please, like tomorrow, so that we can start talking and working through this? You cannot just dump somebody like that without discussing things, it just isn't the right thing to do.

I will give you now hassle, as you have clearly made up your mind. Luv me

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Posted (edited)
50 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I will not abandon you at all, I will pay the rent and bills for three months.

There will be £1500 in your bank account today for food and stuff.

The pension payment will be in joint account, I will not touch it but you can leave it there and hide it so pretend you don't have it.

That is very kind of her, OP.  Now is your time to respect her decision, and no more contacting her or begging. Get going with a new life. 

 

50 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I have feelings for someone else

She has been straight with you and she is perfectly entitled to have feelings for someone else

And how COULD you come back at her with this OP!! She has told you there is someone else and she doesn't want to work anything (disastrously) through with you.  Please have some dignity.

50 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Can we meet sooner please, like tomorrow, so that we can start talking and working through this? You cannot just dump somebody like that without discussing things, it just isn't the right thing to do.

Meantime, set aside 500 gbp from that money she so generously put in your account and use it to see a psychologist privately asap. You should get eight sessions for that amount, as many psychologist will apply a sliding scale in needy cases. 

Edited by LaHermes
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1 hour ago, smilieman said:

I have feelings for someone else and  I'm not coming back to live at the house.

I will not abandon you at all, I will pay the rent and bills for three months.

There will be £1500 in your bank account today for food and stuff.

me

Excellent. You found out the truth and she will continue to support you financially.

You need to take this communication to an attorney. That way you can start figuring out your finances.

Contact social services for help with food, housing, bills, medical care, etc. and become more independent.

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57 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

That is very kind of her, OP.  Now is your time to respect her decision, and no more contacting her or begging. Get going with a new life. 

 

She has been straight with you and she is perfectly entitled to have feelings for someone else

And how COULD you come back at her with this OP!! She has told you there is someone else and she doesn't want to work anything (disastrously) through with you.  Please have some dignity.

Meantime, set aside 500 gbp from that money she so generously put in your account and use it to see a psychologist privately asap. You should get eight sessions for that amount, as many psychologist will apply a sliding scale in needy cases. 

She has been straight, but what a nasty way to do this after 19 years.  There should have been a discussion.

No, she's gone now and I am not interested in any further relationship.  I will not accept this type of thing.

Good idea about the psychologist, I shall see if I can find one tomorrow.  I have just been speaking with a friend who doesn't live near me and he has suggested making a list of things that I need to address.  He's going to work through it with me until we find a solution.  I am truly blessed to have him in my life and you guys here.

Top of the list - psychologist.  I think I need to talk through things strategically with somebody.

 

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Just now, smilieman said:

Thank you so much.  Very much appreciated.

 

3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Here is a link where you will find a psychologist:

The British Psychological Society

https://www.bps.org.uk/public/find-psychologist

So many areas to choose from. Psychotherapy, Coaching ... don't know what area I would need - disaster recovery perhaps? 🙂

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2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Never mind the areas, OP. Phone around a few, and one of them will point you towards a colleague who specialises in the kind of therapy you need.

You could also contact this association.  Clinical psychologists. 

https://acpuk.org.uk/

Thank you.  I have also reached out to my Osteopath to see if he knows a psychologist that would do face-to-face in the area.  I'm afraid I'm not into this pandemic narrative and would not enjoy Zoom calls.

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Very good OP. I understand that professionals are now seeing clients/patients face to face with social distancing measures in place and mask wearing. Check it out when the osteopath recommends someone to you.

 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You found out the truth and she will continue to support you financially.

You need to take this communication to an attorney. That way you can start figuring out your finances.

Contact social services for help with food, housing, bills, medical care, etc. and become more independent.

I have saved the message so it can be used.  I suppose you mean to start Divorce proceedings?  As I don't understand how a lawyer can help with finances.

Sorry I used to be fairly intelligent, but with this Vestibular Migraine Vertigo thing, everyting gets confusing and more so under stress.  Sorry if I am misunderstanding.

I reached out to a guy I used to work with who went through a relationship split.  He is coming over tomorrow to share what he did and re-iterates your sentiment.

I never thought I would be in this situation again.  I should have realised last time but I'm a softee and tried my hardest to fix things.  Hindsight is wonderful.

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8 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Very good OP. I understand that professionals are now seeing clients/patients face to face with social distancing measures in place and mask wearing. Check it out when the osteopath recommends someone to you.

 

I shall, but I won't be wearing a mask as it would trigger my vertigo really bad.  There's the challenge.  I trust you are in the UK then?

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Just now, smilieman said:

Contact social services for help with food, housing, bills, medical care, etc.

Social services for help, not the solicitor.

The solicitor will assist you with the actual divorce process. Maybe your friend can recommend the solicitor who assisted him at the time. 

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9 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Very good OP. I understand that professionals are now seeing clients/patients face to face with social distancing measures in place and mask wearing. Check it out when the osteopath recommends someone to you.

 

I have also found a guy local to me from that website you shared.  Although there is no phone number!

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Yes, I am over here too. Lol.

OK. So no mask.  No challenge. Ask the psychologist about the requirements for face to face consultation.  Distance will be the answer in that consulting room. 

Why would a mask trigger vertigo?

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

The solicitor will assist you with the actual divorce process. Maybe your friend can recommend the solicitor who assisted him at the time. 

Thank you.  Do you think that I need to start divorce proceedings quickly then?  The issue is I only have my wife's work address, so I suppose they will contact her there.

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Just now, LaHermes said:

Yes, I am over here too. Lol.

OK. So no mask.  No challenge. Ask the psychologist about the requirements for face to face consultation.  Distance will be the answer in that consulting room. 

Why would a mask trigger vertigo?

Restriction of oxygen and inhalation of CO2.  Instant spins.  Also can't use visors as the curved perspex causes visual field disturbance and triggers vertigo attack.

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Yes. The sooner the better. Get the whole process behind you.  Cut the shackles. 

Leave matters up to the solicitor. That's his/her job. In your first meeting with the solicitor have everything written out clearly. Time is money!

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Yes. The sooner the better. Get the whole process behind you.  Cut the shackles. 

Leave matters up to the solicitor. That's his/her job. In your first meeting with the solicitor have everything written out clearly. Time is money!

It's such a shame though after 19 years of being together.  I still can't believe that it warrants a text message, rather than discussions along the way that she wasn't happy and why, so things could be addressed.

And I thought I had met somebody for life.  Obviously, I don't deserve that.  Absolutely all of my very few relationships have been nightmares!  First one ran off with another guy, second one was lazy, third was violent and now this one, lovely but callous!  What have I done to deserve this?

Yep, know all about lawyers, I'm married to one! For the moment. I can no longer cry any tears.

Edited by smilieman
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It will be all right OP. Just get the machinery in motion. See your solicitor asap. The practicalities will keep you busy, and your visits to the therapist etc. You may not think so now but the sense of relief when all this is behind you will be overwhelming. 

Life is unfair.  And, we make mistakes.  "Man/woman is the only animal that stumbles twice over the same stone."  

You can address with the psychologist why you had those other nightmarish relationships.

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

It will be all right OP. Just get the machinery in motion. See your solicitor asap. The practicalities will keep you busy, and your visits to the therapist etc. You may not think so now but the sense of relief when all this is behind you will be overwhelming. 

Life is unfair.  And, we make mistakes.  "Man/woman is the only animal that stumbles twice over the same stone."  

You can address with the psychologist why you had those other nightmarish relationships.

Thank you for your kind words.  I shall try to find somebody near me, it's such a small place and the best firm is the one my wife works for!  There are a couple of other options that I have seen.

I still don't know what to say to the psychologist what I'm looking for.  I guess I just tell them what has happened and that I find it hard to process emotional trauma in relationships, always have.

I must have a break from the screen for a while now.  Thank you though, honestly 🙂

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Posted (edited)

Google : "Phil Mickelson".

American golfer with psoriatic arthritis who just won the PGA championship at age 50.

So don't crawl into a hole and shrivel up, no matter your age or medical conditions.

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Google : "Phil Mickelson".

American golfer with psoriatic arthritis who just won the PGA championship at age 50.

Yep, did that, shall read later.  I appreciate what you are saying, but it is just so hard having to start over again with no income and no way of working.  I have been trying to solve this issue for over 7 years.  The doctors are of little help and have no ideas.  It is truly awful and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  It's very hard to live with and a major vertigo attack can happen at any time.

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Come now, OP. There is a remedy for everything. 

Just find a law firm/solicitor somewhere outside your vicinity.  as I said maybe your friend will be able to recommend. 

The psychologist is a professional who will know exactly what to say to you and what questions to ask.  It isn't an examination. Lol.

 

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