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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Hopefully they will negotiate an equitable deal for you.

If/when you see your physician, let them do a complete evaluation this time.

Your best bet is real attorneys and real doctors who are paid to provide you with their respective expertise.

Doctors (General Practitioners) here a bit strange as they don't seem to do a full evaluation.  It's a quick in-out (5 mins appt, 10 if you're lucky).  I shall have a conversation with them if/when they call.  I have logged a call request this morning.

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The doctor has now put me on Anti-Depressants for anxiety to try to calm things down a bit.  Feel a bit groggy today and I hope it doesn't increase my VM symptoms.  We'll have to see.  Apparently they take a couple of weeks to kick in.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Although this thread seems dead, I thought I would post as means of an update.

My wife or her lawyer haven't responded to my lawyers letter, so she is going to chase them tomorrow.  I have also learned that the lawyer says they will need more money at some stage, even though nothing has happened so far.

I have decided also now that divorce is the best way to go and that she will never change and if she did want to come back, I wouldn't want her to.  There's been too much upset for me this time and too much damages caused emotionally, personally and financially.

I don't know why she hasn't responded, probably because she doesn't want to.  After all she is out of the situation and in her new life now.  She's got what she wanted, so why bother responding to me who wants to claim spousal payments (alimony), keep paying the rent and bills here until the divorce is settled and pay back the money she stole on the way out?  I have been thinking all this time that she didn't respond because she didn't want a divorce and didn't see it from this angle.

Still having a rough time on this roller coaster ride.  I'll keep this updated in case anybody is interested.

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Although this thread seems dead, I thought I would post as means of an update.

My wife or her lawyer haven't responded to my lawyers letter, so she is going to chase them tomorrow. the lawyer says they will need more money at some stage,

Ok, was this letter a filing or an attempt at mediation?

You stated  you have a pay by the hour attorney so yes, they need to get paid for their work whether it's the results you hoped for or not.

Perhaps cut to the chase instead of dragging it out with  letters rather than subpoenas.

Hopefully you're not letting emotions and wishful thinking drive up the cost of this.

Keep in mind the sooner your attorney files (rather than  just letters, wasting time, etc.) the sooner your wife can be charged with your legal fees, if you qualify.

Edited by Wiseman2
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No it wasn't a filing.

She was asking what my wife's intentions were and sharing my intentions to file for divorce citing Adultery.  Also requesting interim maintenance payments to be paid and money to be returned. 

My head, as you know, was in a different place then.  I understand that it is protocol to share a draft filing or share intentions prior to filing so that agreement can be made.  So after this then it would be filing for actual divorce, as I don't reckon there will be any response to that letter either.

My stbxw is coming to collect her things on Saturday, so that should be fun.....

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smilieman, 

Thank you for the update. I was wondering how you had been doing. 

Quote

My stbxw is coming to collect her things on Saturday, so that should be fun.....

With your reasonable suspicions that she took money from you in mind, what precautions are you taking now to ensure that she will not also take any of your (disputed) possessions when she comes to collect her things?  

While it seems like you have better mental fortitude at this time, understand that seeing your stbx will rattle your emotions. You are still vulnerable now, even if you are doing better. Plan ahead to ensure you do not act out of weakness. 

Keep moving forward,

PDN5

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You may find yourself in an emotional enough state to tell her "I don't care about what happened in the past, please just come home".

My brother nearly did that. Thankfully he didn't because his wife has been trying to take him for a hell of a ride. 

Just be aware. As they say, forewarned is forearmed.

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1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

With your reasonable suspicions that she took money from you in mind, what precautions are you taking now to ensure that she will not also take any of your (disputed) possessions when she comes to collect her things?  

All done.  Haven't got a lot but they are under lock and key.  Other things will be in the same room as me so they will be safe.

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

While it seems like you have better mental fortitude at this time, understand that seeing your stbx will rattle your emotions. You are still vulnerable now, even if you are doing better. Plan ahead to ensure you do not act out of weakness

Yeah, I know.  I'm planning for this also.  So a friend is coming over to be here also, so I can chat with him while her and her sister are here.  Also, I've had a hypnotherapy session and have 2 more arranged specifically to reduce anxiety and focus on dealing with this situation.  So hopefully it should take the edge off.

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Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You may find yourself in an emotional enough state to tell her "I don't care about what happened in the past, please just come home"

Nope!  A'int gonna happen.  Begging and pleading doesn't work and makes things worse.  I will respect the choice she has made and I shall be civil.  She'll be expecting something like that though, because that's what I would normally do.  I can breakdown after she's gone if I need to.

I remember the last time when she called me saying she wanted to come back home.  I felt surprisingly strong when I said to her that I'm not sure that I wanted her back.  Should have kept to that a while longer back then.  I Should have made us have counseling before she came back.  So hopefully it will be the same this time.

Edited by smilieman
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4 hours ago, smilieman said:

My stbxw is coming to collect her things on Saturday

Have some friends over. Moral support, witnesses.

Hopefully it's personal effects he had left behind. Isn't the larger stuff, furniture etc. considered marital property?

Don't worry about her clothes, some towels or other small nonsense items, but if she takes larger expensive items, TVs for example.   Note that down and email your attorney.

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Yes make sure you have support and solid witnesses.  She could claim anything and call the police.

You might want to get some boxes so she has everything she needs to get out quickly.

Keep posting, we all want to make sure you are doing okay and this is a good place to vent or get support.  You would be stunned how many men find this place in the same situation as you.

Lost

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My brother's wife took just about everything.  She even took things that were gifts to my brother and things he bought before they were married.  She claimed EVERYTHING was "marital property" and she had just as much right as he did to whatever was in the house. Even though he'd lived there for several years before she moved in.  He had to replace almost all of his kitchen and living room items.

Be very alert, is all I can say.

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have some friends over. Moral support, witnesses.

Hopefully it's personal effects he had left behind. Isn't the larger stuff, furniture etc. considered marital property?

Yes I have a friend coming over for support.

She knows that she can only take personal effects.  This has been communicated in an email to her by me initially after taking advice by from my lawyer.  So all should be ok.

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5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Yes make sure you have support and solid witnesses.  She could claim anything and call the police.

You might want to get some boxes so she has everything she needs to get out quickly.

I wouldn't want to get the police involved.  But if she decided to turn up with a van (which I doubt) I'll just refuse entry into the property to anybody except her.  I would also probably make her wait and get her clothes myself.

Boxes are expensive.  I'll leave it to her to organize what she needs and I doubt she'll be too long as I would expect her to feel under pressure to get going.

I shall keep posting and as you say, there seems to be a lot of men in a similar position, which is awful.

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My brother's wife took just about everything.  She even took things that were gifts to my brother and things he bought before they were married.  She claimed EVERYTHING was "marital property" and she had just as much right as he did to whatever was in the house. Even though he'd lived there for several years before she moved in.  He had to replace almost all of his kitchen and living room items.

Be very alert, is all I can say.

I've had one relationship before when I came home to an empty house.  Absolutely none of it was hers.  I was left with my bed and my fish tank, everything else was gone.

I can't/won't follow her around the house as that would be silly.  But I have put all small key items under lock and key and other stuff will either be packed or in the same room as me.  We don't really have much anyway and what we do have isn't expensive and we've had for years.

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4 hours ago, smilieman said:

I've had one relationship before when I came home to an empty house.  

Were you married before or was this an early live-in GF?

What were the circumstances of her suddenly leaving? 

As far as your wife coming to collect some belongings, it doesn't seem to be a problem.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you married before or was this an early live-in GF?

What were the circumstances of her suddenly leaving?

It was a live-in girlfriend.  It was years back in my late 20's (55 now), I was a software developer for a shipping company and I knew her through a friend.  We shouldn't have got together but we did.  After a while she moved in with me, I had my own house, but she wouldn't do anything.  She didn't work, didn't cook, didn't do housework and used to spend all her time with friends or out with the dogs.  After a couple of years I spoke to her and said that it wasn't working out and she agreed.  She said she'd move back with her parents and I said there's no rush and to take her time.  The next day I came home from work and everything had gone - even the satellite dish had been taken off the wall and the cable cut!  I had a bed, my fish tank and crockery left and everything else was gone, even my dogs!  And she hadn't moved back with her parents either.

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Just received word that my Lawyer has chased the stbxw lawyer, requesting:

  1. A response to her previous letter by end of day Friday (9th).
  2. Confirmation that she has been instructed to act on behalf of my wife, otherwise my lawyer will contact my wife directly.

We are going to discuss a way forward on Monday, which would be a claim through the courts for spousal maintenance (as time is running out - end of August) and it would mean that the divorce petition would need to be filed at the same time.  So that will be that.  What a shame, but for the best I would expect.

The wife has chosen not to communicate.  She has got her outcome and her new life and is focusing on that, hence forgetting about her 'other' life.  I still have my doubts that she will turn up to collect her things on the weekend, but I could be proven totally wrong.

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14 hours ago, smilieman said:

 

  1. A response to her previous letter 
  2.  otherwise my lawyer will contact my wife directly.

Are all these sidesteps required before your attorney can go forward with filing for divorce?

Your attorney doesn't know who your wife's attorney is or who to address the divorce correspondence to?

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1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you changed the locks on your place?   

Is that legal? If they are still legally married and that is her legal residence and she has belongings there?

They're in Ireland, but in the US there's serious legal consequences for locking a spouse out of their own house.

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3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

No, I can't change the locks as it's rented.  However, I have made sure that it's secure.  She has only got a front door key and that can't be opened

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is that legal? If they are still legally married and that is her legal residence and she has belongings there?

They're in Ireland, but in the US there's serious legal consequences for locking a spouse out of their own house.

I cannot refuse her entry to the house as she is on the tenancy agreement.

 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are all these sidesteps required before your attorney can go forward with filing for divorce?

Your attorney doesn't know who your wife's attorney is or who to address the divorce correspondence to?

There was a need to agree on interim spousal support, requirement for her to return the money she took and a request for her to provide a statement for the disability claim.  Still not being in receipt of the letter that my wife told me she would get her woman to send, my lawyer requested confirmation of my wife's intentions and to share mine - Divorce for Adultery.

Part of me still wanted to see if this situation could be resolved also, truth be told and for some reason.

Here's what we know:

1 - My wife has not disclosed her address, so that's not an option.

2 - Although she said that this woman (Divorce lawyer at the company where my wife works)  is acting for her, this has not been confirmed as she has not responded to my lawyers communication.  This has been chased and confirmation requested by tomorrow.

3 - If this woman is acting on behalf of my wife, then she isn't communicating either.

4 - It is possible that my wife hasn't instructed her but gave me the impression that she has and lied when she told me that I would be receiving a letter from her.  This would make sense as I never received one, neither did my lawyer.

5 - The only contact information we have for my wife is, 1) email address and 2) Work address.  However, it is unknown whether she is still working at the same branch now or if she has moved to an office in a neighbouring town.  However, post addressed to her here would hopefully be redirected to the office where she is working.

Basically she has not given any information and as such things are up in the air.  This will be confirmed, or not, by tomorrow.  So next week is when court filings will start to be prepared.

It's like living in Alice in Wonderland where everything she says is either the opposite or a complete fabrication of reality.

I fully know your opinion, but it is so upsetting for me to not try to work things out.  Yes, this is the second time this has happened, but I still feel (rightly or wrongly) that something is a bit strange about all this and that a divorce isn't really what she wants.  It's probably denial on my part, but I know it's the only way to go.  It's such a shame it has come to this though.

Edited by smilieman
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You keep going back and forth between saying there's no way you would take her back and hoping you two can "work it out". I presume that's why you aren't going forward with filing for divorce.

There's no need for letters asking her intentions. That's just going to eat up needed funds since you have to pay your attorney to draft and send these letters. All you need to do is file for divorce listing all the things you're asking for.

But if you're still "hoping"...

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You keep going back and forth between saying there's no way you would take her back and hoping you two can "work it out". I presume that's why you aren't going forward with filing for divorce.

There's no need for letters asking her intentions. That's just going to eat up needed funds since you have to pay your attorney to draft and send these letters. All you need to do is file for divorce listing all the things you're asking for.

But if you're still "hoping"...

Not any more.

I have had a telephone call from the estate agent telling me that one week ago, my stbx had emailed them to say that I will be receiving a letter from her lawyer and that she will no longer be paying any more rent on this property.

This means that she has gone back on what she told me (in writing) that she will be paying the rent and bills for 3 months.  She said that this would be for June, July & August.  So I have just found out that I have now got less than 3 weeks to find another place to live.

I informed my lawyer, who called hers and they informed her that there is a long letter that is to come out to me waiting for my wife's approval and that they will see if they can get it out by Monday.  MY lawyer said that's not good enough and that they want it latest tomorrow as court proceedings are to be filed first thing next week.

So this has all been coordinated.  I reckon that my stbx was holding off on this letter going out to me until she has successfuly collected her things on saturday.

I cannot understand what has turned her into this evil vindictive person.  I wasn't a walkover (I thought), but I certainly didn't give her a hard life and certainly wasn't violent or horrible.  I have been on the receiving end of this and that's not a nice place to be.

This is pure evil and malicious behaviour that I do not deserve being on the receiving end of.  I she hadn't taken the money, I would have been able to find a place to live sooner.  Now this is sprung on me and it has kicked me once again firmly in the guts.

She still has my spare car key that she promised to return - she hasn't.

I'm done!  This is the last straw, nobody treats me like this for no reason.  The other guy is welcome to her.  She has shattered my life in every which way possible, for nothing but her own amusement.

I'm truly gutted!

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