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So you can get benefits! Nothing wrong with the "bloomin'" system.  The system is there to assist people who are unemployed and are suffering from a mental condition. 

No, she most certainly did NOT cause the emotional trauma. You and you alone are responsible for your own well-being, mental and physical.   You cannot, absolutely, depend on someone to that extent OP! 

Not sleeping for nearly a week?!  Well, that's one way of further ruining your health.  You need to take a long hard look at yourself OP. And a good psychologist will help you to do that. 

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Original poster!!!

Well, well, we've found a cause for the anxiety and the dizziness!!  So such is your dependency that your wife is the medication and soother for your mental problems.  

Again I urge you to see a psychologist to address these matters. 

You can, and must, carve out a life for yourself without your wife. Stand on your own two feet. 

It is highly unhealthy that you are SO dependent on her. 

I think you're right here.  I have always thought that my 'condition' may be a psychological result of her leaving in 2011 and the trauma that was created.  I spent 5 years after that on tenter-hooks, making sure I didn't say anything that could spark a repeat performance, etc.  Thinking about it, the stress of that alone must have been phenominal.  It has also shown me today and yesterday that it is certainly linked due to the instant increase in symptomology.

I shall do some investigations for a psychologist - thank you.  I may need to get a referral, doctors again....

I suppose it is unhealthy, although it wasn't intentional.  It's just like the old days where one person in a couple brings home the money and the other looks after the house.  Does make me feel useless though, I must admit, so standing on my own 2 feet is a good idea.  I am not making excuses, but with the dizziness it makes almost anything impossible.  Unless I can find the solution (you may have done that already, eh?)

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

So you can get benefits! Nothing wrong with the "bloomin'" system.  The system is there to assist people who are unemployed and are suffering from a mental condition. 

No, she most certainly did NOT cause the emotional trauma. You and you alone are responsible for your own well-being, mental and physical.   You cannot, absolutely, depend on someone to that extent OP! 

Not sleeping for nearly a week?!  Well, that's one way of further ruining your health.  You need to take a long hard look at yourself OP. And a good psychologist will help you to do that. 

Point firmly taken. Thank you, I shall. 🙂

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I spent 5 years after that on tenter-hooks, making sure I didn't say anything that could spark a repeat performance, etc.  Thinking about it, the stress of that alone must have been phenominal.

Now we're getting somewhere!  It was a terrible idea to get back together then. And you walked on eggshells to make sure she didn't leave.  A more unhealthy dynamic is hard to imagine. 

" but I really want to see if there is any hope left. "

Is there some way on earth you could stop SAYING that! Try to think for at least five minutes.

Back again to another stint of h**l. More of the same, Walking on eggshells. And meantime life is passing you by, at top speed.

Please tell me you will not be here again at age 75 to tell us about the recent loving reconciliation.  Come on OP. You can do better than this. 

Edited by LaHermes
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22 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No my home town is gone down the pan and is dreadful now.  I have no family - all dead - and I have drifted away from my friends over the years, or they have died or gone elsewhere (I'm 55).  I seem to have made myself a bit of a loner, I'm afraid.

Aww, wow 😕 .. so sorry for your loss(es).

Do you think you can work at making a life okay, where you are?

Believe it or not, does not have to be with her. 

You can do this...

Thank you for your sentiments.

I don't like where I live now and am only here for the wife's work.  It's a very small town with not much going on and not many businesses.  Also a walk around the town takes about 20 minutes! Maybe I need to look elsewhere if things go really South.

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8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh , k .. so, what did you do?

Seems to me that she is always the one to take off.  And she's done it again.  This is not acceptable, nor is it a 'solution'.

She's affecting you - because in the end, you're allowing her to. 😕 

 

Yes, one can seek help from the system.. but, combined, your health, you cannot work, correct?  The vertigo?  This should all be noted in your files.

 

What did I do?  Nothing too bad.  I think I'm a nice guy, but I can get a little "shouty" when I get frustrated that she doesn't communicate properly or doesn't show an interest in helping to create alternative sources of income that I could run from home.

So, I could come across a little scary perhaps, but she knows me anyway and knows that I'm passionate about stuff.

No it isn't a solution, it is the direct cause of making a small no-issue into a huge problem.

Yes it should be noted.  I shall make some enquiries, but I really want to see if there is any hope left.  I know your stance and in my head I totally agree.  It's painful, unecessarily so.

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11 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Now we're getting somewhere!  It was a terrible idea to get back together then. And you walked on eggshells to make sure she didn't leave.  A more unhealthy dynamic is hard to imagine. 

Didn't see that at the time though, I just thought I was being accommodating and helping the relationship to heal over time.  It was horrible though, I must admit.

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Posted (edited)

Things have gone South and will go further South, on a fast track, if you don't take action at this point.  If there are no possibilities where you live then IMO a fresh start somewhere else entirely sounds like a terrific idea to me. And it would be the making of you, I am certain.

" It was horrible though, I must admit."

Well that is honest, and you are aware of how horrible it is and always was. So why in the name of all that's powerful do you want to step back again into that kind of h**l?!

Edited by LaHermes
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4 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Yes it should be noted.  I shall make some enquiries, but I really want to see if there is any hope left.  I know your stance and in my head I totally agree.  It's painful, unecessarily so.

You are frustrated... so that will equal some quarels.

You want to see if there's any 'hope left'?

What kind of hope are you  trying to find? With a woman who's left you time & time again.

Like it has been mentioned, she's affected you in some negative ways,

Is time to consider looking out for yourself instead of accepting all of this from someone who refuses to try and keeps walking away from you, correct?

Self care - in all forms!  ❤️ 

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Things have gone South and will go further South, on a fast track, if you don't take action at this point.  If there are no possibilities where you live then IMO a fresh start somewhere else entirely sounds like a terrific idea to me. And it would be the making of you, I am certain.

I have got some ideas for businesses to set up, as it will be easier to be my own boss seeing as I can work my own hours when I feel ok-ish. I shall have to do some serious thinking, because you are right on point that it can't go on like this.

Thank you.

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

You are frustrated... so that will equal some quarels.

You want to see if there's any 'hope left'?

What kind of hope are you  trying to find? With a woman who's left you time & time again.

Like it has been mentioned, she's affected you in some negative ways,

Is time to consider looking out for yourself instead of accepting all of this from someone who refuses to try and keeps walking away from you, correct?

Self care - in all forms!  ❤️ 

Hope.  A strange word and your questions are hard for me to answer as I surely don't really know. Hope is an elusive thing.

However, I am a guy that commits (or maybe should be committed!?) to a relationship and a marriage and will do anything I can to keep it on track.  As you say though, she has affected me seriously and I see that very clearly.

What I can't understand is why she had been fine for years? 9 years before the first incident, 10 years this time and she is lovely in that time and I couldn't wish for a better wife.  So why this, always out of the blue?

So there's the hope I suppose.  But I can't get my head round that she knows the impact and does it anyway, regardless.  And that point alone makes me feel extremely saddened and hopeless for a meaningful future together, as when will the next time come?

And yes, Correct!

I have to try to sleep soon as wearing these glasses is making my head horrible.  Thank you.

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15 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

" It was horrible though, I must admit."

 

3 minutes ago, smilieman said:

she is lovely in that time and I couldn't wish for a better wife.

You are contradicting yourself, OP. 

Get some sleep, and get your head together.

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 Your wife seems quite fed up with being the bread winner, and you not getting appropriate treatment for your conditions.

It would be a win-win situation if you found more effective treatment/doctors and did some part time work or at least did all the household stuff.

Are you living from social disability benefits?  Bickering about money when you are not contributing would be cause for anxiety especially investment you saw on TV.

If you divorce would she have to pay spousal maintenance?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Your wife seems quite fed up with being the bread winner, and you not getting appropriate treatment for your conditions.

It would be a win-win situation if you found more effective treatment/doctors and did some part time work or at least did all the household stuff.

Are you living from social disability benefits?  Bickering about money when you are not contributing would be cause for anxiety especially investment you saw on TV.

If you divorce would she have to pay spousal maintenance?

I agree.  It has been a bit of a tough ride as she was ill after just a year of us being together after a visit to Mexico - Autoimmune Hepatitis for 7.5 years we put our relationship on hold.

I must also mention, for completion although extremely upsetting, that during the time she was ill she got pregnant.  However, due to the medication she was on - high-dose steroids and an anti-rejection drug (can't spell it), we were advised not to try for a child as they may be adversely effected.  So, regrettably she had a termination, something that should have never happened and we have both never got over.  She has never been able to get pregnant since, even for trying.

So built on that now is my issue, again going on 8 years.  It is tough.  I think she feels the pressure but doesn't say and we are both frustrated with this condition as we were sure with enough research we would be able to sort it completely.  But time has shown otherwise.

I do work around the house and garden, although she seems to insist on cooking.  I do on occasion, but I could do more certainly.  I clean the house when I can, but again could do more.  I'm very fed-up with this dizziness, it's gone on way too long and specialists do nothing at all apart from having an appointment each year to see what's changed.

No not on disability or benefits.

I must correct you here, when you say bickering about money. We were not.  I have an unexpected pension payment that can be taken out from an old employer when I was younger.  Although not seriously large as I wasn't working for them for a great deal of time, it would have been nice to support us if we invested it and would take some pressure of later in life for us.  I wanted to have a chat about options.

The crossed wires came in regard to an article that I found (I say TV, but on alternative internet media) was about the potential transmission of pandemic vaccinated people (not sure if I can say the word!) towards those who are not vaccinated.  Whether it be true or not is irrelevant, only that I mentioned this to her on the Friday evening as I was concerned for her working environment if people had taken it - she hasn't.  I didn't want he in harms way if it were a thing.  On saturday morning, I mentioned to her that I was concerned about putting this pension money somewhere safely(ish) to invest.

Unbeknown to me (until much later), she thought that I was referring to wanting to talk about the injection thingy, which I wasn't, which is why she didn't want to talk about it.  She told me that she thought I was going to suggest talking to people at work about it, which I was not.  This all happened in her head, but by the time she got round to letting me know on the Sunday last week, I had already shared my concern that maybe she was putting her work (she is enroute to promotion to partner) before us and our interests, as she is always speaking about work but will not hold similar important conversations concerning us.

Sorry about the length, I just thought I'd try to explain better.

As far as Spousal maintenance goes, haven't got a clue!  Just looked it up briefly and it looks like an option and seeing as we have been together for 19 years, I think I would qualify.  I would feel exceptionally bad though 😞

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4 hours ago, smilieman said:

Managed to get about 4 hours sleep, but have a splitting headache now.  Still feel awful though. 😞

Yo need to see your physician and be compliant with treatment options. If you drink, smoke or use drugs or health food store remedies, stop.

You are significantly worsening your situation by just complaining and hanging around all day doing nothing.

Get a good evaluation and a referral to therapy.

No , spouse wants to listen to that all day or nurse someone who refuses appropriate treatment.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yo need to see your physician and be compliant with treatment options. If you drink, smoke or use drugs or health food store remedies, stop.

Nope, don't drink, smoke or use drugs or eat crap food. Organic only!

 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yo need to see your physician and be compliant with treatment options.

You are significantly worsening your situation by just complaining and hanging around all day doing nothing.

Get a good evaluation and a referral to therapy.

No , spouse wants to listen to that all day or nurse someone who refuses appropriate treatment.

It has been just one day.  I have never said that I am hanging about all day doing nothing.  In fact I have just finished cleaning out the garage.  However hard it was with vestibular migraine.

How am I complaining? About what specifically?  I appreciate help and support which is what this group is about, I thought and I was just explaining my situation.

It was Sunday yesterday and the Doctors are only open from today and probably only for phone or video calls.  I have taken onboard all of people's advice and been thinking about it all night and day today and have a different angle to express, now I wonder if I should risk to.

I am not going to run to the doctors that I don't trust just after one day to be put on medication that I cannot tolerate because of vestibular migraine that the medical profession seems to know nothing about.  If this situation continues for longer than a few days - as I have been promised that the wife is coming back tomorrow, but we'll see, and if she does we can talk - if she doesn't then I will seriously think about it and make a decision.

Listen to what all day exactly?  There has never been any discussion between my wife and I about appropriate treatment, as there really wasn't an issue until yesterday, in 10 years.  Why would that require medical treatment?

Thank you for your viewpoint, but I think you misunderstand my position perhaps?

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Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, smilieman said:

as I have been promised that the wife is coming back tomorrow, but we'll see, and if she does we can talk - if she doesn't then I will seriously think about it and make a decision.

OP, you simply cannot continue like this, living on "ifs" and maybes". Each passing day is another day of your life gone. You already wasted ten years, and those years will never return. 

Are you up for another ten years of the same? Walking on eggshells and stressed out?  If that is what you want, and I get the awful feeling you are hoping for a return to purgatory, then there is nothing much more to be said here.

Btw you do not need a doctor's referral to go to a psychologist privately.  You can find a properly qualified one through their professional association.  And yes, I know that they charge, but it will be money well spent.  Also, some psychologists charge on a sliding scale basis, and do make allowances for persons on low income. 

Edited by LaHermes
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I'm sure your marriage is a very big reason (if not THE reason) why you have these health issues. Doctors can't cure you with the usual therapies because they aren't addressing the true cause. 

Stress is literally a killer.

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13 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Btw you do not need a doctor's referral to go to a psychologist privately.  You can find a properly qualified one through their professional association.  And yes, I know that they charge, but it will be money well spent.  Also, some psychologists charge on a sliding scale basis, and do make allowances for persons on low income.

I know that you are right, but surely there are always 2 sides to a story?  I would love to go to a psychologist to sort out why I am this way, but I have no money - zero.  Otherwise I would be arranging an appointment today.

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13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sure your marriage is a very big reason (if not THE reason) why you have these health issues. Doctors can't cure you with the usual therapies because they aren't addressing the true cause. 

Stress is literally a killer.

I am coming to that conclusion also as my symptoms have got progressively worse.  The things is, is that apart from those 9 months before and 2 days (so far) now, the rest of the 19 years has been great - truly.

I can see how stress kills.  My heart hasn't stopped pounding so hard and my legs are always like jelly and my body.  I calmed down yesterday quite nicely, but today is the day that I know whether she keeps to her word and comes home to talk, or if she repeats the past and stays away.

thank you for your response.  I really do appreciate them all - however harsh.  I am totally alone and do not have anybody else I can talk to.  It's nice to get others perspective🙂

I can't help thinking though that she needs help and needs to talk about stuff too.  I think a lot of this stems from losing our baby many years ago and we have not been able to have another, it just hasn't happened for us.  I think she just can't cope and it builds up over time.  I'm not even sure it's all about me or us.

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13 hours ago, LaHermes said:

OP, you simply cannot continue like this, living on "ifs" and maybes". Each passing day is another day of your life gone. You already wasted ten years, and those years will never return. 

Are you up for another ten years of the same? Walking on eggshells and stressed out?  If that is what you want, and I get the awful feeling you are hoping for a return to purgatory, then there is nothing much more to be said here.

I really appreciate your bluntness and honesty, but I cannot understand as to why it has always got to be to end the relationship.  Why can it not be to heal it, once and for all and find a way through that however challenging?

I know I have to look after myself and I have a number to call, but I know that doctors aren't the answer unless they can refer to a psychologist.  I am seeing my Osteopath today, who as agreed to treat me for free, and I shall be speaking with him as to who he may know.  he's a good man and works for himself from home, so it's not that I'm not doing anything, it's just hard to know what to do when there are no doors open for you.

Cheers.

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1 hour ago, smilieman said:

 I know that doctors aren't the answer unless they can refer to a psychologist.  I am seeing my Osteopath today, who as agreed to treat me for free, 

Don't you have health insurance?

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3 hours ago, smilieman said:

Why can it not be to heal it, once and for all and find a way through that however challenging?

Because, OP, this has been going on for, how long?!  And by your own admission the past ten years certainly did not involve any healing. Quite the contrary.

Are you up for another ten years of the same? By which time you will be 65. OP, life is precious, so much to do, to enjoy, to experience.  In a healthy fashion.  Surely you can see that. Yet you are h-bent on returning to the same dysfunctional situation.

Glad you are seeing the osteopath.  But what I suggested is a psychologist and as I said, and repeat, you do NOT need a doctor's referral to visit a psychologist privately

I can only assume you have no income at all and that you are counting on the NHS for everything.  No private insurance?

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