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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you returned to your doctor who prescribed anxiety medication for your psychological problems?

No I haven't as it's been the weekend.  I don't need to go back at the moment.  As previously mentioned I told my doctor at the start of all this that I don't handle emotional trauma like this very well.  We have a "Well-being" service here.  I was in touch with them two days after my wife left asking for help with the emotional trauma and had a telephone assessment with them.  A week later I received an email from them saying that there is an 8 week wait.  So, I am waiting.  I mentioned this to the doctor the other day and he suggested that I call them and request a sooner appointment or cancellation.  I did that and they said that I would need to wait.  What more can I do?

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On 6/9/2021 at 4:55 PM, smilieman said:

 she is filing for divorce against me on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour".  

So weird that the story seems to change, no?

Edited by Wiseman2
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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So weird that the story seems to change, no?

Not from my perspective.  The story has been the same, although perhaps I haven't explained thing properly?  I have the emails, so that's the reference point I'm working from.  The wife said in relation to her lawyer:

"She suggested that she writes to you to set out the way forward in which I want to petition for divorce. It seems the only option is for me to cite unreasonable behaviour. However you don't have to agree to the particulars but you can agree the marriage has broken down or you can divorce me for adultery which although easier it means you pay the solicitor for the petition."

I replied:

"Thanks for the update.

OK, so I'll wait to hear from her then, with your thoughts on how you want to petition for divorce, together with your plan going forward, so that I can get an idea of what you are intending and your ideas of how you envisage the arrangements would look like on the financial side, (informally?), as you indicated."

This is all I have heard and have received no letter or further communication on the subject in 11 days.

Hope that clarifies.

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Just had a really good meeting with my lawyer.  She is going to write a letter to the stbxw lawyer setting out a way forward as she hasn't heard anything from them still, which she also finds a bit strange.

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42 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Just had a really good meeting with my lawyer.  She is going to write a letter to the stbxw lawyer 

Excellent. Hopefully you can all this over with as expediently and inexpensively as possible. Hopefully in a few months you'll be officially divorced, living independently and enjoying life .

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Hopefully you can all this over with as expediently and inexpensively as possible. Hopefully in a few months you'll be officially divorced, living independently and enjoying life .

Lets hope, eh?  Hopefully I shall be able to get myself a dog again at some point also.

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It's often difficult to see that the person we are trying to cling to is actually the one bringing us down.

I felt 1,000% better once my relationship with my toxic ex was completely over. And yet I had been trying for months to hold onto him. I actually wanted him back even though he lied and cheated! Once I was truly free of him my mind cleared and I saw him for what he was.

Your wife is who she always was but you wanted her so you chose to ignore the icky bad stuff. You can't get out of that mindset until you allow time and space to do it's thing.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

It's often difficult to see that the person we are trying to cling to is actually the one bringing us down.

And that is a strange thing to behold and a strange set of thoughts that I have been going through to rationalise events.

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I felt 1,000% better once my relationship with my toxic ex was completely over. And yet I had been trying for months to hold onto him. I actually wanted him back even though he lied and cheated! Once I was truly free of him my mind cleared and I saw him for what he was.

Wow!  I wonder if I will, I hope so!  So my stbxw did this 10 years back just about year after we got married.  She promised faithfully - at a counselling session - that she hadn't had an affair.  Because of her behaviour this time (exactly the same) and admitting she has committed adultery, I am now 100% certain that she was having an affair and lied to me and the counsellor.  So the last 10 years has been built on this lie.

If she was willing to break her wedding vows and have an affair in under a year of being married, how many more affairs has she had over the past 10 years that she hasn't wanted to set up life with the guy?  Perhaps it's the same guy as before, in which case it has probably been going on the entire time - somehow.

And yet....I've been wanting her back - ***?

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your wife is who she always was but you wanted her so you chose to ignore the icky bad stuff. You can't get out of that mindset until you allow time and space to do it's thing.

I think I am learning that she is a cheater.  She was when we got together and she has been since.  I didn't see it - couldn't see it - Now it's as clear as day.  How does the saying go? "Once a cheater, always a cheater?".  I do feel like a mug and have wasted 19 years on this relationship, well the past 10 anyway that were built on a lie.

Hopefully once I sort out a life, I can get back on to the recovery road.  Still feel like such a mug though.

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Well, you chose to ignore it. You initially benefitted from her cheating so you didn't care. You were excited to "win" her. Now you're seeing it from the point of view of the poor guy she was cheating on when you started sleeping with her. 

Water under the bridge now.

All you can do now is rid yourself of her and make sure you don't do this again. To yourself and to others.

I would be proactive and file for divorce. Why wait for her to decide when you get to move on with your life?

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, you chose to ignore it. You initially benefitted from her cheating so you didn't care. You were excited to "win" her. Now you're seeing it from the point of view of the poor guy she was cheating on when you started sleeping with her.

Yes I get that.  I wasn't comfortable with it an broke it off, but it didn't last.  I did have a chat to the guy a few months later to apologise (not sure if that was a good thing), told me I was welcome to her.  And yes, now I know how it feels.  It also makes me wonder if she had cheated on him prior to me.

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

All you can do now is rid yourself of her and make sure you don't do this again. To yourself and to others.

Once is enough.  I learn lessons.

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would be proactive and file for divorce. Why wait for her to decide when you get to move on with your life?

Yes this is true.  I shall be emailing my lawyer tomorrow to see if she thinks it pertinent to include something to this effect in her letter to the stbxw lawyer.

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27 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I shall be emailing my lawyer tomorrow to see if she thinks it pertinent to include something to this effect in her letter to the stbxw lawyer.

Let the attorneys do their jobs. Wait until she contacts your wife's attorney and gets back to you.

Is this a flat rate attorney or is the clock ticking on hourly charges?

Why not listen to your lawyers and doctors who are getting paid for their expertise and aware of the particulars of your case?

How much more will it cost if you file first rather than see if the attorneys can come up with an equitable agreement? 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the attorneys do their jobs. Wait until she contacts your wife's attorney and gets back to you.

Is this a flat rate attorney or is the clock ticking on hourly charges?

Ok I shall.  Clock ticking type.  I have been up front and given them my budget so they don't go over.

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not listen to your lawyers and doctors who are getting paid for their expertise and aware of the particulars of your case?

Who said I wasn't listening?  Doctors haven't got a clue about my condition only the neurologist and it's a process to get back to see them.

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How much more will it cost if you file first rather than see if the attorneys can come up with an equitable agreement? 

A fair bit, but court costs may be able to be mitigated or shared.  The agreement stage first is just for interim spousal maintenance and to get an idea of their direction, apparently.  I will be getting a draft letter in a couple of days.

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2 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Clock ticking type.  I have been up front and given them my budget so they don't go over.

Ok then forget hand-holding and nonsense questions wasting time and money on that. Let them do their jobs and chitchat, speculate, etc. with friends, family, etc..

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Boltnrun and I think proactively filing is in your best interest, and Wiseman2 thinks waiting for your stbx to file is in your best interest. While both courses of action have merit, I am sure we all agree it is up to you and your solicitor to to determine which makes most sense in terms of financial and legal strategy. Do what will resolve the matter as efficiently and painlessly as is possible under the circumstances - as Wiseman2 cogently pointed out above.

From my cursory search of UK divorce law, I understand it is possible to petition the court for costs even if you are the one to file. I am unsure how much time and money that would add to the proceedings, or how commonly costs are granted given circumstances similar to your case. 

Speak to your solicitor and have her explain the pros and cons of each course of action (filing vs. waiting), and then decide from there.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok then forget hand-holding and nonsense questions wasting time and money on that. Let them do their jobs and chitchat, speculate, etc. with friends, family, etc..

Good point.

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8 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

From my cursory search of UK divorce law, I understand it is possible to petition the court for costs even if you are the one to file. I am unsure how much time and money that would add to the proceedings, or how commonly costs are granted given circumstances similar to your case.

I spoke with my Solicitor yesterday about this and although you can, I would need to pay my woman the time it takes her to do that, so probably wouldn't gain much.  Also because I have triggered one of my small pensions to come out, I will have access to money at some stage (depending on how ling the process takes) and therefore the courts wouldn't allow that.  We'll have to play that one by ear apparently - we'll see.

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10 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 Wiseman2 thinks 

@Pleasedonot5, My advice is to listen to his attorney. And given the hourly fees, not to run up a huge bill with rhetorical questions.

Why not just offer whatever advice you wish? As long as you are not pitting everyone against each other.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Respectfully, Wiseman2, you misunderstand. I pointed out that there are a few different ways that posters have suggested OP move forward. Identifying those paths is not a hostile maneuver, but an actual recitation or summary of recommendations for OP's benefit.

We are essentially saying the same thing: do what resolves the matter as quickly and painlessly as possible, and heed your attorney's advice.

However, since the client drives attorney-client decisions such as whether to file, it is important that the client be informed when making those decisions. While meaningless rhetorical questions are indeed a waste of time, figuring out whether to file or wait by obtaining the attorney's advice is not a waste of time.

Sorry if my post offended or annoyed. I hope the intention is clearer now.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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21 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

do what resolves the matter as quickly and painlessly as possible, and heed your attorney's advice.

Yes, it's really that simple, now that an attorney has been retained.

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So for an update.  My lawyer has written a letter to be sent to my stbxw's lawyer requesting intentions, sharing my intention to file for Adultery, requesting money taken from the savings account that was part of my dental settlement to be repaid and setting out interim maintenance to be agreed and paid.

So the ball has started rolling, which is good in one way, but extremely sad for me, as it's not the beginning of the end of our 19 year relationship.  It is such a shame that there was never an option to discuss and repair.

So moving forward, however hard that road will be.

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25 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

smilieman,

How have you been sleeping? How are the anti-anxiety meds treating you? Has the VM gotten easier to handle?

Just checking in.

PDN5

Morning.

Thank you for asking.

Sleep is awful, 3 hours if I'm lucky - keep waking every 15-30 minutes (thinking I've been asleep for hours) - I am soooo tired and feel exhausted.  Meds are now finished (1 left) and they haven't seemed to have any impact at all.  They do make me feel tired, but that seems to be it. Only meant to be short-term (1 week) to break the cycle - cycle not broken, damn!

The VM has been a bit awful recently because of the length of time I have had to spend sorting through paperwork, wearing glasses A LOT and rushing around.  I thought I would take it easy yesterday as it was the first day that there was nothing urgent to do apart from have a telephone appt with my pension company and agree the wording of my lawyers letter.  Instead I spent most of the day having one panic attack after the other.

I shall schedule an appt with the Dr today to see if there are any other options.

However, my back pain is a lot better than it has been for the past 4 years.  Still uncomfortable, but the pain is much easier to handle and my ribs don't seem to be 'coming out' so much.  This is strange.

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12 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Sent this morning. 

Excellent. Hopefully they will negotiate an equitable deal for you.

If/when you see your physician, let them do a complete evaluation this time.

Your best bet is real attorneys and real doctors who are paid to provide you with their respective expertise.

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