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25 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Waiting for another call from a company supplying free legal advice over the phone - No call.

Had a chat with Pension company today and I can transfer my pension to a different plan and take 25% out tax-free and keep the rest in there to grow.  

Shall respond to the wife's email later, saying that I shall await the contact from her work colleague with regard to her intentions on filing and tackling finances, as she mentioned. 

Wait. Is she filing for divorce or not? If so why not wait to hear from her attorney then figure out where you stand.

Your pension agency can not give you legal advice, including whether hiding martial assets in contemplation of divorce is ok in your jurisdiction.

The more time you waste on nonproductive activity and guessing games the more difficult you'll make it on yourself. Legal shopping, psychologist shopping, etc., etc. 

Don't you have trustworthy local people who could at least steer you in the right direction to get started?

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17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wait. Is she filing for divorce or not? If so why not wait to hear from her attorney then figure out where you stand.

She said that she would probably file for divorce under "unreasonable behaviour", as previously mentioned.  She is going to get her representative to write me a letter about what her intentions are, as per her email.  I will be reply to email later saying:

"Thank you for the update.

I'll wait to hear from Kira then, with your thoughts on how you want to petition for divorce, together with your plan going ahead, so that I can get an idea of what you are intending and your ideas of how you envisage the arrangements would look like on the financial side, as you mention.

Like you, I would prefer less formality and legal costs are a concern at this current time.

Take care"

She has also said I have to option to petition under Adultery, which apparently is easier, but I get all the costs and have to drive it.

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your pension agency can not give you legal advice, including whether hiding martial assets in contemplation of divorce is ok in your jurisdiction.

I haven't asked them to and neither am I hiding any assets, let's be clear.  As per the conversation flow, I have not got access to any money to pay lawyers, etc.  The only option was to cash in my pension to gain access to funds.  I called them today and there is another option to release 25% and keep the rest there.  Therefore, I will then have access to funds!  It is all I have.

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The more time you waste on nonproductive activity and guessing games the more difficult you'll make it on yourself. Legal shopping, psychologist shopping, etc., etc.

Why is what I am doing unproductive?  I am not guessing, I am trying to collate information as I cannot talk to the right people as I do not have any funds.  I have reached out to a couple of places, as mentioned, and they haven't returned my calls.

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't you have trustworthy local people who could at least steer you in the right direction to get started?

Apart from Citizens Advice, no, not that I know of anyway.

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Smilie: it is absolutely vital you get professional legal advice in a legal matter. A divorce is a lawsuit. If you were arrested for a crime you wouldn't just sit in jail waiting for trial and decide you're not going to get legal representation until you see how the trial goes.

Please utilize the links provided to find a paralegal or other legal professional who can review the documents sent by your wife's attorney.

And please stop the detailed communication with her. Do not tell her what your plans are or what resources you intend to use, particularly financial resources. She will be the plaintiff in a lawsuit against you and needs to be regarded as such.

She is not looking out for your best interests. Only you can.

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Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Smilie: it is absolutely vital you get professional legal advice in a legal matter. A divorce is a lawsuit. If you were arrested for a crime you wouldn't just sit in jail waiting for trial and decide you're not going to get legal representation until you see how the trial goes.

I fully understand.  I seem to be having a hard time explaining that I do not have the money to pay for legal representation.  I have paid for an hour advice last week so I know where I stand and how things go.  I cannot find anybody who does any form of legal aid, as it's not available since 2013.  Yesterday I had a partner of a reputable law firm tell me to do it myself on the government website, as I haven't got and income and that it's quite "easy".  I won't be doing that.

I haven't decided that I won't be getting representation, I just can't pay to have it.  I have been trying solid for days to find a solution to this.

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please utilize the links provided to find a paralegal or other legal professional who can review the documents sent by your wife's attorney.

I shall and I have the list given, however, they will need to be paid.  I cannot get why you don't get that I have no money to pay people, hence the need to take some of my pension.  There's a timescale on that of 6-8 weeks.  Then I should have the funds.  I haven't received anything as yet anyhow, which is why I have been trying to get things lined up for when I do.  I just wish I had the money to employ some bigshot lawyer in the city that will fight my corner, coz quite frankly, I feel beaten down by all of this and I'm trying my damnedest..

Is there is something I am missing or a way to employ people without paying them....?  I'm so frustrated that I have no money.  I've not had any money for years as I haven't got an income and the wife took the savings out of the joint account, otherwise I would have been able to make a start.

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And please stop the detailed communication with her. Do not tell her what your plans are or what resources you intend to use, particularly financial resources. She will be the plaintiff in a lawsuit against you and needs to be regarded as such.

I am just responding to her email in the shortest way I can.  Should I ignore it?  I am not telling her any plans or anything.  Yes, plaintiff, I agree and she has already proven that I can't trust her, hasn't she?

---

Please, I feel frustrated that you (in the community sense) keep telling me to get legal representation and at the moment I cannot because they want to have money on client account (min. £500), or be paid on an ad-hoc basis immediately.  How can I magic up money?

I'm not being rude and I may be coming across abrupt (which I'm not intending), but I need access to money BEFORE I can employ anybody.  If like the old days I could pay after, then that would be brilliant!

What do I do?

Edited by smilieman
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A few of us mentioned a paralegal. @LaHermes even provided links. A paralegal does not cost 500 and can review documents your wife's attorney sends over. You do not have to have the paralegal or an attorney represent you in the court case. It would be simply to review documents and draft some of your own if needed.

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Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A few of us mentioned a paralegal. @LaHermes even provided links. A paralegal does not cost 500 and can review documents your wife's attorney sends over. You do not have to have the paralegal or an attorney represent you in the court case. It would be simply to review documents and draft some of your own if needed.

Yes, I fully understand this and I have the list ready.  Regardless of them not charging as much as a lawyer, I would still need to pay them what they are asking.  I have a little bit so I can get started, but then that's my food money gone depending on how much time they spend doing it, then that's it.

This situation is terrible and I am really badly hurting because of all this, but I'm pushing through as best I can and not giving up.  This entire thing is killing me...

Edited by smilieman
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1 minute ago, smilieman said:

Yes, I fully understand this and I have the list ready.  Regardless of them not charging as much as a lawyer, I would still need to pay them what they are asking.  I have a little bit so I can get started, but then that's my food money gone depending on how much time they spend doing it, then that's it.

This situation is terrible and I am really badly hurting because of all this, but I'm pushing through as best I can and not giving up.

That's fine. Your wife's attorney will take some time to draft documents for your review.

I don't know about the UK, but in the US the respondent (you) has 90 days to respond to the filing. So you should have your funds within that time frame if you are allotted a similar amount of time to respond.

Whatever you do, do not agree to anything verbally or in writing until you can have a paralegal review the documents.

That should also give you time to get programs set up as far as food, housing allowance and medical care.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know about the UK, but in the US the respondent (you) has 90 days to respond to the filing. So you should have your funds within that time frame if you are allotted a similar amount of time to respond.

I'm not fully sure, but I think I will have 14 days or something.  I'll need to check.

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Whatever you do, do not agree to anything verbally or in writing until you can have a paralegal review the documents.

I won't and I will do that. Thank you 🙂

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That should also give you time to get programs set up as far as food, housing allowance and medical care.

The first lot of money I get from the system is at the beginning of July so not far away, but that will only do my groceries for the entire month, if that.  Hopefully that little bit of my pension fund will then be released and I'll have more options.

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56 minutes ago, smilieman said:
1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know about the UK, but in the US the respondent (you) has 90 days to respond to the filing. So you should have your funds within that time frame if you are allotted a similar amount of time to respond.

I'm not fully sure, but I think I will have 14 days or something.  I'll need to check.

So yes, it is usually 14 days, however, timescales have been extended:

https://www.divorcenegotiator.co.uk/divorce-timescales-4-stage-process/

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Ok. So when you get the paperwork, you can take it to whatever legal advocate you decide on and come up with a response.

It's weird you are unable to get a loan or credit to mount a legal defense then pay it off when you get a settlement.

It's also weird you have to dig into your retirement account. 

You seem to be making one bad choice after another. 

You also claimed your estranged wife is covering all your housing costs.

It sounds like you are being penny wise pound foolish.

Sadly you are spending more time reading articles, links, making lists,etc than you are doing anything productive.

Much of your activity seems random and aimless.

Sadly the irony is she's divorcing you because of chronic unemployment and financial problems. 

The same poor me I can't afford food or a doctor or a lawyer etc. stuff.

Even the attorney you contacted told you this. If you are too broke to pay for advice you'll have to defend yourself. 

Yet you refuse to find ways to finance your own existence and whatever things you need to address.

And that is precisely her grounds for divorce.

 

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. So when you get the paperwork, you can take it to whatever legal advocate you decide on and come up with a response.

It's weird you are unable to get a loan or credit to mount a legal defense then pay it off when you get a settlement.

It's also weird you have to dig into your retirement account. 

You seem to be making one bad choice after another. 

You also claimed your estranged wife is covering all your housing costs.

It sounds like you are being penny wise pound foolish.

Sadly you are spending more time reading articles, links, making lists,etc than you are doing anything productive.

Much of your activity seems random and aimless.

Sadly the irony is she's divorcing you because of chronic unemployment and financial problems. 

The same poor me I can't afford food or a doctor or a lawyer etc. stuff.

Even the attorney you contacted told you this. If you are too broke to pay for advice you'll have to defend yourself. 

Yet you refuse to find ways to finance your own existence and whatever things you need to address.

And that is precisely her grounds for divorce.

 

 

 

I really don't know what your beef is with me.  You keep accusing me of the same stuff that I keep saying is wrong.

- I cannot get a loan from anywhere, as I do not have an income to pay it back.

- My pension fund IS the ONLY money I have available to me to fund this stuff

- What choices have I made that are bad?  I don't feel like I have any choices.

- I cannot get legal aid

- Penny wise/pound foolish - how?  If I do not have any money, how can I spend anything?

- How can you say that I'm spending more time reading articles than doing productive things?  Like what?  How do you know?  I have read a couple of articles, that's all, and spent ALL DAY yesterday sorting out stuff on the phone and discussing option for pension.  You are just assuming and you are incorrect.

- What activity is random and pointless?  Trying to find a lawyer and legal advice that will work for me without having money on account and wait for settlement - pointless? Random?  Discussion options with the pension company and arranging telephone consultations, random?  Pointless?  Looking after the garden here - because somebody has to as she bolted!  Pointless? Random?  That was my day yesterday, along with talking with a friend on a video call for 25 minutes for emotional support.

- You don't know why she is divorcing me AND you keep referring to my 'chronic unemployment' without any reference to my 'chronic condition' (vestibular migraine).  Yes she probably got fed up with that, granted.  But it's hardly my fault, is it?  It's certainly to something that I can control.  You try waking up dizzy every day and having to struggle through.

- The same poor me.........  If you haven't got an income, how can you afford these things and why is it a "Poor Me?"  It is fact AND I am doing absolutely everything that I can to sort this with my pension payments AND I was going to do this anyway to invest in me and my wife's future - she knew that, we had spoken about that and therefore, I would have been putting in financially to the relationship and building in some form of resilience.

- WHEN have I EVER REFUSED to  finance my own Existence?  When?  I have never done that.  I have always put money into this relationship when I have had it and £19,000 over the past 1.5 years has gone into supporting my wife's income, paying debts off and buying things for the house and our lives..  So don't tell me that I refused to support my own existence - I never have and never will.

Don't you think that this has been on my mind for years?  Don't you think I have felt useless enough myself without others pushing the knife in just because I have no control over a situation.    I am trying to take that control.  How else do you suggest I do things then, knowing my position?

It's like she has purposely used this savings money and been saving her salary in order to finance her move.  It's been planned and organised, that much is certain now.  She obviously doesn't need any clothes that are here, which points to my suspicion that she has got a new wardrobe, a new house, probably a new car and a new man.

Thank you for making me feel so crap.  Perhaps I should just end it now, eh?

Edited by smilieman
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It's ok. Just wait for the legal paperwork and take it from there. 

Of course you can't get legal aid. Don't be a jerk to me about bad advice you're getting elsewhere.

Hopefully she'll come back like last time and you can carry on. Maybe cross your fingers?

Edited by Wiseman2
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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully she'll come back like last time and you can carry on. Maybe cross your fingers?

No.  I won't be doing that again, that's for sure and certainly not something that I'm hoping for.  She has after all admitted to Adultery - something I would never forgive.

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OP, you’re doing the right thing accessing whatever funds you have to pay for a lawyer. You need competent legal advice to ensure you get a fair outcome from the divorce. Also, what income do you live on now? If your ex was fully supporting you financially, you now have to work on getting an income. If you cannot do paid employment, you need to see a doctor for your condition and, if is diagnosed as a disability that prevents you from working, you need to apply for government assistance. If your condition cannot be classified as a disability, you need to look for paid employment of any kind and start supporting yourself. You can do this. Good luck!

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

OP, you’re doing the right thing accessing whatever funds you have to pay for a lawyer. You need competent legal advice to ensure you get a fair outcome from the divorce.

Thank you.  Although these funds will take over 6 weeks minimum to release and I cannot find a lawyer that would work for payment after - they all want money up-front.

However, I remembered that I had some crypto currency that I bought a while back and the value of this is currently set at around £2,500.  So, if I can work out how to withdraw (shame I have to do it), then I can use this for the lawyer.  So that this weekend's job to work that out.  I shan't withdraw until I need it though as it looks like it's going up a bit - completely forgot about that.  I can't find a UK lawyer that accepts crypto as payment, which is a shame as that would have been easier.

8 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

Also, what income do you live on now?

My ex empties the joint saving account and she said she put half in mine.  In actuality, I found out that she put 1/3 in mine and kept the rest.  I have used this money for legal advice, groceries, fuel and counseling for a couple of sessions - I may need more.  The rest has to last me a few more weeks until my state benefits are due (if they decided I'm eligible) so I don't want that to go to zero.

8 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

If your ex was fully supporting you financially, you now have to work on getting an income. If you cannot do paid employment, you need to see a doctor for your condition and, if is diagnosed as a disability that prevents you from working, you need to apply for government assistance.

I cannot do paid employment and yes I am already going down the route of disability.  I am waiting for medical records that I requested to supplement my claim and I have an appointment with Citizens Advice to help fill in the forms.  I will be making extensive notes this coming week for the application.  However, this can take many months to process, so is not a quick thing.

8 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

If your condition cannot be classified as a disability, you need to look for paid employment of any kind and start supporting yourself. You can do this. Good luck!

I'm really concerned about this, but I do also have a couple of things that I have been thinking about that may be able to create income for me on my terms, i.e. working for me as and when I can to create income, rather than an employer relying on me and I keep letting them down.

 

 

Edited by smilieman
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Posted (edited)

So, I checked the savings account today and found that only £8,000 of £15,534 got transferred over to it.  So £7,534 seems to have gone awry from her account.

My bank statement shows that I transferred all my Dental Claim money totalling £19,034, in 3 separate amounts as soon as I received them from the lawyers who were dealing with my claim.  The idea was for the wife to put it in the "savings pot" part that was linked to her current account.  That was all done in Nov.'19, Dec.'19 & Feb.'20.  £2,550 was for the house deposit and first month rent.

So a total of £8,484 went unaccounted for in her account prior to the shared savings account being opened between Feb.'20 and Aug.'20. Rent would have totalled £6,300 for that period, so what went missing was more than the rent for here.  So, £16,484 should have gone into the Shared savings account when in was opened in August.

No wonder my log in information was never received by me - thrown out I suppose!

We spent about £4,000 which was accounted for of the money in the savings, leaving £4,000 (which should have been £12,484). 

She said she left £50 in the account - She left £10

She said she split it up and gave me half - I got £1,500 - she withdrew £4,227.32 (50% - £2,113.66)

When I challenged her initially when she told me she split it 50/50, I said that I only got £1,500 and should drew over £4,000 out of the account - "Did I?" she said.

Now wonder all of her clothes and everything are still here.  She has got new ones - walked out of her old life and straight into here new one.

I feel like I've been played like a fiddle - so much for putting your trust in somebody you love, your wife, 19 years of building a relationship and I get exploited.

No it is understandable why she wants a divorce.  She has been waiting.  She knows the cash values of my pension and she wants to cash in to support her new life and her new man.

I married a really nice person then, didn't I?

Edited by smilieman
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Unfortunately, you chose to put your trust in someone you knew for a fact was deceitful.  I presume at the time you didn't care, you just wanted her.  But from the beginning she showed you who she was.

My good friend got divorced a few years ago.  Her husband pursued her strongly when they first met, but once the years started to go by he decided he didn't want an "old" wife (she is 10 years older than him).  So he chose to have affairs with much younger women.  She didn't want to divorce him but finally had to when he became so blatant about his multiple girlfriends she was shamed into doing so.  She also had clues in the beginning but she really, really wanted a boyfriend and to be married (told me so multiple times) so she chose to ignore the warning signs.

My brother also chose to ignore huge flapping red flags because he wanted a particular woman so badly.  She is now putting him through an agonizing divorce.  And she also pursued him strongly in the beginning.  Now apparently he is Satan.

I hope you'll be your own best advocate from now on.  Don't ignore signs or be so excited over a woman that you override your own moral code just to get her.  If you want to have a loving and supportive marriage do not choose someone who's shown you they are capable of deceit.

Take care of yourself.

Edited by boltnrun
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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately, you chose to put your trust in someone you knew for a fact was deceitful.

Yes, I did.  However, I didn't see this as a warning sign.  How silly I was.  Ignored it? Yes.  Consciously? No.

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you want to have a loving and supportive marriage do not choose someone who's shown you they are capable of deceit.

I wish somebody had told me that 12 years back.  It's obvious now.  I don't know why I'm so stupid.  But she also always 'wants' to deal with the bills and bank accounts, etc.  Ultimate control then isn't it.

What I can't get, is after 19 years, why is she acting like she really hates me.  I don't get that at all.

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Yeah 😕 .. You will be reeling over this for a while.. as you work through things..

I do hope you've now got your own acct? (separate).

When I split from my ex, only thing remaining was our joint Visa.  had to pay that off.

It all takes time... with a lot of 'emotions'.

In time, you will be all done going through the 'grief'. And be well on your way with 'acceptance'.

Be easy on yourself.  Takes time.

Do what you can in a day.. sounds like you are taking the right steps.  you're trying!

 

 

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5 minutes ago, smilieman said:

What I can't get, is after 19 years, why is she acting like she really hates me.  I don't get that at all.

People and experiences.

When emotions are involved, we can do some awful things 😕 . Vengeful actions, deceit, cheating...

All depends on their mentality.

She's acting out for reasons.. her reason's.

Could be her 'loss of control over things'... Could be because she's not getting her own way.. or she's just trying to keep a distance.  Only you know her best.

Even I acted out, trying to get my ex to leave me alone.. he'd be hounding me continously via emails, I'd ignore them all.. he got to me.  I wanted to be left alone.

We ended, for reason's.. I was done with him. Simple. ( and wanted to be left alone).

 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

When emotions are involved, we can do some awful things 😕 . Vengeful actions, deceit, cheating...

All depends on their mentality.

She's acting out for reasons.. her reason's.

Could be her 'loss of control over things'... Could be because she's not getting her own way.. or she's just trying to keep a distance.  Only you know her best.

I'm not so sure any more.  I have seen a different side - a callous, cold and calculating side.  She never wants to be on her own though, always from one to the next, ad infinitum.  I do know though, that she wants to be left alone also.  I have done that and am trying to accept that I will never know...

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Even I acted out, trying to get my ex to leave me alone.. he'd be hounding me continously via emails, I'd ignore them all.. he got to me

Just like she does.  It seems like just a game to her and I've decided that I'm no longer playing.

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14 minutes ago, smilieman said:

What I can't get, is after 19 years, why is she acting like she really hates me.  I don't get that at all.

Well, similar to my friend whose husband decided after 10 years that he didn't want an "old" wife, even though he knew how much older she was when he married her, or my brother's wife who decided she wanted a man with a bigger bank account (although she knew his income [which is actually substantial] when she married him) or my dad who didn't want to be married to my mom when she got ill, your wife probably got tired of caring for you.  Now, I'm not saying it's the right thing to do or that it's nice or loving, but she probably wanted someone who could pull their own weight financially.  No "in sickness and in health" for her, apparently.

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Just now, boltnrun said:

Well, similar to my friend whose husband decided after 10 years that he didn't want an "old" wife, even though he knew how much older she was when he married her, or my brother's wife who decided she wanted a man with a bigger bank account (although she knew his income [which is actually substantial] when she married him) or my dad who didn't want to be married to my mom when she got ill, your wife probably got tired of caring for you.  Now, I'm not saying it's the right thing to do or that it's nice or loving, but she probably wanted someone who could pull their own weight financially.  No "in sickness and in health" for her, apparently.

Yeah, I get that, but be honest, not conniving, deceitful and dishonest.  It's not the right or equittable way to treat people at any stage, let alone the ones you're married to and have relationships with.  I'm 10 years older than her also.  So that's interesting.  Even though as you say, she knew at the time.

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1 hour ago, smilieman said:

I transferred all my Dental Claim money totalling £19,034, in 3 separate amounts as soon as I received them from the lawyers who were dealing with my claim. 

Isn't income jointly owned while married in your jurisdiction?

Why are you detailing you bank account here from years ago? No one is going to send you money or act as your forensic accountant.

 

 

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