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I joined this forum in April 2011 when my wife requested separation and it ended up with her coming back and forth over the best part of a year.  She would come back home and say everything was OK and we would go about trying to fix the hurt, then at a moments notice I would come home and she would be gone.  It happened repeatedly and it was nothing less than pure psychological trauma.

I haven't been on this forum since we got back together, which is bad on my part, but I didn't want to upset the apple-cart if she found out I was here and I happened to have a very nasty vertigo attack which has led to me having permanent neurological trauma - so, I'm permanently dizzy, have issues with my eyes, bad tinnitus and more aches an pains in my neck and upper back than I can count.  Oh, and it ended my career and any chance of me earning an income.

Apart from that, the past 10 years have been great since we got back together.  We had a little bit of counseling which helped and highlighted 2 things 1) She couldn't communicate and 2) I couldn't listen properly.  So we worked on that and have had a very good 10 years.

However, how did it all go so wrong so quickly?  Last weekend I brought up that I was concerned about some money coming through and that I would like to invest it the best I could so that we could have a nest egg built up, seeing as I can no longer work and she is the main bread winner (again).  She didn't want to speak about it and over that weekend I brought it up a few more times and nothing.  So it started a little thing, on my part, that I said that it looked like she was more interested in putting work first that concentrating on our future.  Then I spoke about our future and how making a good investment would be good as this money was unexpected.

Again she didn't say a lot which can be annoying.  However, it did highlight that we got our wires crossed and that she thought I was referring to something that I had mentioned the day before in relation to her work, that I had come across on the TV and she didn't want to talk about that, although that subject was harmless, but she had assumed that I was going to insist that she speak with her work colleagues, which is certainly far from fact.

Cutting a long story short, last week was weird.  She wanted to walk to work on her own (unless it rained and then she wanted a lift), she didn't chat like she usually did during the day and I put that down to her being extra busy seeing as she booked this week off as leave.

On Friday I had the distinct feeling that she was going to do exactly what she had done 10 years before and run out on me.  I asked her when she got home and she said "no".  I asked her again immediately afterwards and she repeated "no".  "Are you sure", I said, "coz a have a very horrible feeling".  Turns out that she was planning to disappear without telling me as she said that she needed a couple of days space to think - the same thing she said 10 years prior and disappeared for almost a year.

We sat and had a chat and she gave me the impression that all was ok.  Then while I was in the bath that evening, I heard rustling and later that night I found her hiding a bag full of clothes reading to put in he car.

Once again, my world collapsed.  All the same feeling came rushing back from 10 years prior.  She had lied to me again and now she has run out on me.  She says it will only be a couple of days, but she has booked the entire week off and I predict that she will do what she did before and extend that to longer now that she has left.

All this with no argument.  Just  a little heated discussion as we have done a few time over the past 10 years, but nothing ever serious.  However the enormity of this reaction is huge compared to the discussion we had.  I had apologised for getting a bit loud in places and said that I didn't know she was thinking I was referring to something else.  That conversation should have stopped and been completed there and then and it was, but her actions got strange.  One week later we are back at square one, back in April 2011.

How did it get to this?  Once again she has severed communication after she sent me a text message saying that she had made it to her hotel ok.  We use a messenger type programme on our phones that shows receipt and reading, so I know she has turned off her phone as it hasn't downloaded.  All I said was "Thanks for letting me know you're there ok" and I was going to leave it at that until she contacted me.  Prior to leaving I asked if she would call me to let me know she had arrived, as I hate using text because of my eyes.  She said she didn't know. It was obvious she didn't want to talk to me once she had left.

All of the feelings I had over the last week have proven to be right.  I cannot understand why she runs like this and makes a huge deal out of something so small.

I feel awful and the panic and emotional pressure makes my dizziness unbearable.  She know this and still went ahead.  My legs also collapsed as I was devastated and I felt head over heels down the stairs, hurting my neck.  I have been shaking ever since.

How is it possible for this to once again happen "Out of the Blue", exactly as before?

I wish that I could end this.  I never expected to have to deal with this again, with the lies and deceit for virtually no reason.

Sorry about the waffle and thanks for reading.

(I have to limit my time at the computer now because of my eyes, so I may not be able to interact that quickly.)

Best wishes to you all,

🙂

 

 

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6 minutes ago, smilieman said:

my wife requested separation and it ended up with her coming back and forth over the best part of a year.  She would come back home and say everything was OK and we would go about trying to fix the hurt, then at a moments notice I would come home and she would be gone.  It happened repeatedly and it was nothing less than pure psychological trauma.

That it is.. the push/ pull. (trauma bonding).  You were so into her, that you accepted it all . And in the end, it deeply affected you, almost left in a 'fear' of losing her...

(sadly, it did happen again 😞 ).

 

12 minutes ago, smilieman said:

  Last weekend I brought up that I was concerned about some money coming through and that I would like to invest it the best I could so that we could have a nest egg built up, seeing as I can no longer work and she is the main bread winner (again).  She didn't want to speak about it and over that weekend I brought it up a few more times and nothing.  So it started a little thing, on my part, that I said that it looked like she was more interested in putting work first that concentrating on our future. 

Do you really think, that this caused her to split, again?

This could have been well-planned long before your 'discussion' re: that money...

 

15 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I feel awful and the panic and emotional pressure makes my dizziness unbearable.  She know this and still went ahead.  My legs also collapsed as I was devastated and I felt head over heels down the stairs, hurting my neck.  I have been shaking ever since.

So sorry to hear about your fall 😕 .. Is anyone close to you there to help you out?

I do suggest you reach out.. speak to your Dr about something for your anxiety, if possible?

AND, It may have to be that you work on accepting, this may be it... As I don't think you should have to keep accepting HER actions with your relationship... She may just be done, at this point.

 

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you really think, that this caused her to split, again?

This could have been well-planned long before your 'discussion' re: that money...

Thanks for taking time to reply.

If it had been planned, then I am sure I wold have picked up on it.  I found out last time that she did it on a whim because she felt pressured.  I spoke to her Dad back then and he told me that if she feels too pressured then she will run like that.  The annoying thing is that she will never communicate or speak about those feelings, so I would never know, until it's too late of course.

I may be making excuses, but I think that this 'pandemic' situation has put extra pressure on, both for her at work and generally, but it's still no way to treat somebody without explanation.

I do think is suspect that she booked a week off work.  Apparently she did tell me a while ago, but I can't remember if she did.  Nevertheless, I was unaware she had booked it, which seems fairly suspect and I agree that she may have planned it prior to our discussion.  However this wouldn't ring true for he telling me that she needed to think about what we had spoken about, unless it is an excuse of course.

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12 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

So sorry to hear about your fall 😕 .. Is anyone close to you there to help you out?

I do suggest you reach out.. speak to your Dr about something for your anxiety, if possible?

AND, It may have to be that you work on accepting, this may be it... As I don't think you should have to keep accepting HER actions with your relationship... She may just be done, at this point.

No, I have nobody here. We moved December 2019 to be near her new job which she is now in the process of going for promotion.  We had only been here for a short while before the lockdown rubbish started, so haven't been able to build any sort of friendships.  No family.

I really don't trust Doctors due to bad experiences and no longer take any drugs. Anxiety is awful and I have never been good at relationship problems.

As far as accepting this could be it, well I have already laid that down.  She stated that she would be back Tuesday and I have drawn a line in the sand and communicated it firmly.  But given the way she has been acting again, she will likely go back on her word and I will therefore need to stick with my "line".

How I go about this I do not know, as I have no income, no family, so I don't know how I would work that one out.

However, me being a fool, I live in hope that this can once again be resolved.  But I fear that I will always then be waiting for the next time....

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3 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Anxiety is awful and I have never been good at relationship problems.

OP. Here you have the heart of the matter.

For your own sake get help for the anxiety. What kind of bad experiences did you have with doctors? (How many doctors?)

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11 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I spoke to her Dad back then and he told me that if she feels too pressured then she will run like that.  The annoying thing is that she will never communicate or speak about those feelings, so I would never know, until it's too late of course.

Right, her communication problem, and this is NOT the solution.

I get the feeling she's gone - for a few reasons 😕 .

 

5 minutes ago, smilieman said:

However, me being a fool, I live in hope that this can once again be resolved.  But I fear that I will always then be waiting for the next time....

Yeah, so how many times will YOU accept this?  Accepting too much of HER issue's/ her solutions?

 

Re: moneys.. see IF she shows up by mid-week.  If not, look into some financial assistance, since you are not able to support yourself.

I've had some wicked anxiety issue's in my day.  I ended up on something for that.. was VERY hard to function 😕 .  I hope you will consider something to help you out with this...

Can you maybe move again.. back home for some support (family/friends?).

Get away from this woman, who's choices are NOT to your best interest ( mentally/financially, etc).

 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

so how many times will YOU accept this? 

 

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Get away from this woman, who's choices are NOT to your best interest ( mentally/financially, etc).

What's it going to be, OP?

 

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7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

OP. Here you have the heart of the matter.

For your own sake get help for the anxiety. What kind of bad experiences did you have with doctors? (How many doctors?)

Funny enough it was for anxiety.  I was on an anti-depressant due to work pressures, then I lost my job but the drs told me I should stay on the tablets.  I did for a while, but seeing as I didn't have the work pressure anymore, I suffered badly from CFS and felt extremely depressed. I came off under a different doctor and 2 weeks after I started coming off as when my wife left the first time.

Additionally, I have seen loads of doctors over the past 7 years in relation to vestibular migraine - all hopeless and nobody knows - about 27 of them!! 😕

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2 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I was on an anti-depressant due to work pressures, then I lost my job but the drs told me I should stay on the tablets.  I did for a while, but seeing as I didn't have the work pressure anymore, I suffered badly from CFS and felt extremely depressed.

Okay, but this is NOT for anxiety and often Depr meds do not work 😕 .  Been there.  I weaned off my meds and went only something for my anxiety, only.  ( Over time i weaned off that, then onto  a 'mood stablizer".. which has actually helped.

We're all wired differently.  But, the anti depr's did not work for you.

 

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9 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Can you maybe move again.. back home for some support (family/friends?).

No my home town is gone down the pan and is dreadful now.  I have no family - all dead - and I have drifted away from my friends over the years, or they have died or gone elsewhere (I'm 55).  I seem to have made myself a bit of a loner, I'm afraid.

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10 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

What's it going to be, OP?

 

Tough choices eh? I really wish I could stay true to my decisions, but feel that I have no options due to having no income, or savings.

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No my home town is gone down the pan and is dreadful now.  I have no family - all dead - and I have drifted away from my friends over the years, or they have died or gone elsewhere (I'm 55).  I seem to have made myself a bit of a loner, I'm afraid.

Aww, wow 😕 .. so sorry for your loss(es).

Do you think you can work at making a life okay, where you are?

Believe it or not, does not have to be with her. 

You can do this...

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57 minutes ago, smilieman said:

I feel awful and the panic and emotional pressure makes my dizziness unbearable.  She know this and still went ahead.  My legs also collapsed as I was devastated and I felt head over heels down the stairs, hurting my neck.  I have been shaking ever since.

None of this is her fault, OP.  And btw it isn't the various doctors' fault either. 

There is help on this link

https://www.nationalmigrainecentre.org.uk/

I understand you are in the U.K.

And see a psychologist for your anxiety problems. You have to start somewhere on addressing your health problems.

 

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but this is NOT for anxiety and often Depr meds do not work 😕 .  Been there.  I weaned off my meds and went only something for my anxiety, only.  ( Over time i weaned off that, then onto  a 'mood stablizer".. which has actually helped.

We're all wired differently.  But, the anti depr's did not work for you.

 

i can't take anything now though as it causes vertigo issues, even a vitamin tablet!  I wish I could though as this feels terrible.  It's the not knowing.

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1 minute ago, smilieman said:

i can't take anything now though as it causes vertigo issues, even a vitamin tablet!  I wish I could though as this feels terrible.  It's the not knowing.

How about some natural ways?

Wow.. not even vitamins.  😕 

 

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

https://www.nationalmigrainecentre.org.uk/

I understand you are in the U.K.

And see a psychologist for your anxiety problems. You have to start somewhere on addressing your health problems.

 

Yeah, in the UK.  Thanks for the link.  However it doesn't seem that there is a solution for vestibular migraine.  There are literally thousands of people on other groups not finding solutions.  Doctors are next to useless.  I woldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Re: Your income.

You can look into some income support.  Many have gone that way.

Do you not receive any financial support (gov't wise). ?

 

No.  The wife has a good income - senior lawyer.

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

It's the not knowing.

What does that mean OP? 

You cannot continue in this vacuum. You can surely get some kind of benefits given that you are unemployed and also disabled by your various conditions. 

And you are 55, not 85!!

So you are not impoverished as your high earning wife will, presumably, keep you. Is that what you are saying. 

Look, according to you everyone and everything is "useless". You need to get out of this mindset and stand on your own two feet. 

You know as well as I do that you can apply for benefits.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

How about some natural ways?

Wow.. not even vitamins.  😕 

 

Looked at most things including Limbic System work.  It is a nightmare, really ruined mine and probably the wife's life.  One multi-vitamin tablet and I was literally spinning for about 2 weeks.

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1 minute ago, smilieman said:

No.  The wife has a good income - senior lawyer.

I see.

But, if you are to leave.. ( if she hasn't , already).. I am sure you can get some assistance.

Get out there... get a life of your own. I know, sounds scary.. but maybe you can do this?

As I see it, she has traumatized you due to HER actions 😕 .

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

What does that mean OP? 

You cannot continue in this vacuum. You can surely get some kind of benefits given that you are unemployed and also disabled by your various conditions. 

And you are 55, not 85!!

The not knowing why the wife ran out (or if she'll be back) - creates instant anxiety and dizziness.

PS. What is OP please? 🙂

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Original poster!!!

1 minute ago, smilieman said:

The not knowing why the wife ran out (or if she'll be back) - creates instant anxiety and dizziness.

Well, well, we've found a cause for the anxiety and the dizziness!!  So such is your dependency that your wife is the medication and soother for your mental problems.  

Again I urge you to see a psychologist to address these matters. 

You can, and must, carve out a life for yourself without your wife. Stand on your own two feet. 

It is highly unhealthy that you are SO dependent on her. 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

But, if you are to leave.. ( if she hasn't , already).. I am sure you can get some assistance.

Get out there... get a life of your own. I know, sounds scary.. but maybe you can do this?

As I see it, she has traumatized you due to HER actions 😕 .

Hopefully I should be able to, but I really didn't want to get stuck in the bloomin' system.

I had a life of my own before, I was an IT Consultant, but this vertigo put paid to that.  I literally can't work, but Vestibular Migraine isn't classed as a disabiity.  Just typing on here with reading glasses on is making me spin, plus the woozey feelings from lack of sleep for nearly a week, and definately last night.

Yes, it is emotional trauma caused by her, but I feel I also have part of the responsibility to take also.

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, smilieman said:

Yes, it is emotional trauma caused by her, but I feel I also have part of the responsibility to take also.

Ohh , k .. so, what did you do?

Seems to me that she is always the one to take off.  And she's done it again.  This is not acceptable, nor is it a 'solution'.

She's affecting you - because in the end, you're allowing her to. 😕 

 

Yes, one can seek help from the system.. but, combined, your health, you cannot work, correct?  The vertigo?  This should all be noted in your files.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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