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How much time are you alone with your friend's husband? 


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I think her thing with your husband ran a lot deeper than you know. 

Her reaction is so over-the-top it makes me wonder what really went on between them, and why she's trying so hard to take you down now. 

She sounds unglued. However, I think your husband only confessed to what he could not plausibly deny. It's too bad he hid his tracks and deleted everything because I think the pieces of this bizarre story would slide together a lot more clearly if you knew the whole truth.  

He is not telling you everything.

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The only time I'm with my husband's friend or friends is during social settings when crowds and gatherings abound.  This is just my personality, choice and personal preference.  Most of his friends are married and there are a few single men.  None of them ask me anything improper.  Everyone is very decent and we keep things light 'n polite.  Everything is out in the open.  There is nothing to hide.  Same holds true regarding my husband and my friends.  We all practice common decency and common courtesy.  None of us do anything out of whack behind each others back.  We are very moral people.

It takes two to tango.  Your husband's friend doesn't have any enforced healthy boundaries and neither does your husband.  No one can control your husband's friend.  Your husband is the one who should politely decline her invitations and overtures.  This friend is taking advantage and doesn't have a moral compass.  Your husband needs to have red flags and learn to intelligently distance himself from this abnormal woman.  After multiple declining, this friend should take the hint and get his message. 

Don't blame the woman.  Your husband is the one who needs to have better choice of friends who know how to behave within common sense boundaries. 

You are correct.  You are his wife and you need to be treated as if you matter, as if you have feelings and treat you with utmost respect, love and consideration AUTOMATICALLY.  It's a no-brainer. 

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think her thing with your husband ran a lot deeper than you know. 

Her reaction is so over-the-top it makes me wonder what really went on between them, and why she's trying so hard to take you down now. 

She sounds unglued. However, I think your husband only confessed to what he could not plausibly deny. It's too bad he hid his tracks and deleted everything because I think the pieces of this bizarre story would slide together a lot more clearly if you knew the whole truth.  

He is not telling you everything.

I know and life is hard not knowing. As much as I try to forget, she lives right there amongst us.

On the one hand, I believe he had empathy for this woman and helped her. He had the time and he lied to me because he didn't want to hear me complain. I can see that because I wouldn't like it going on in private. I made it clear to them both to stop the private stuff. I wished he said to her he'd be over to help her when his wife came home, because he made a fool of me to this woman by loyalty to her over honesty with me. She saw that for years and that gave her power. Meanwhile, she pretended she was my friend.

Then I think about the lengths she is going to to destroy me ~ and this could only be out of fear of what I may know. If she had a phone full of innocent texts, she'd love nothing more than to prove me wrong.

Then I daydream of them having sex and him talking poorly about me to her ~ venting.

The only reason I think she is doing this is to scare me into silence. I never told her husband or anyone about the secret game. All I can think of is she is worried what my husband may have confessed to and that will be the straw that broke the camel's hump with her husband.

It just makes me so sad. I don't want to hate him. he's getting old with health problems and I don't want our final years to be this.

Thank you.

This was a friendly neighborhood. I am mad at my husband even though it seems like I am defending him, I'm not. He deleted everything, but she could have saved my marriage. She could have apologized for her part and have shown me her phone. She's not a stranger mistress. She's a neighbor who needs to face me daily. Why would she want me to be upset over this? And then bring me to court? I don't understand it.

Edited by beehiveabc
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How is it that a hearing is scheduled?  Courts don't schedule hearings just because some neighborhood woman says so.  They have to have something other than gossip and sour grapes.

What does your husband say about this pending court case?

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You have no idea if he was motivated by empathy.  Likely not because if his motives were pure he’d have had no issue telling you. Many years ago I got an email from a guy I met when I served on a jury. We’d connected after on LinkedIn. 
  Part of the email was 100% appropriate- he shared that he was getting a divorce and asked if I knew of a family law attorney - he recalled when we met that I knew a couple of attorneys.  But the rest of the email was sort of feeling me out - had i responded a certain way he might have gone down a flirtatious path.  Had he just asked for the lawyer name I’d have  supplied it and likely not told my husband - I’m sure he gets requests for business referrals too.

But I showed it to him and asked him if it would be ok if I supplied the attorney name given the rest.  He said sure and said if the guy then tried to pursue the personal part we’d deal with it.

These are the kinds of decisions married couples - committed couples make - it’s not an exact science but it requires empathy and putting yourself in your partner’s place - would he/she want to know.  And to me it’s best to err on the side of “yes he would “.  Empathy begins at home. 

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have no idea if he was motivated by empathy.  Likely not because if his motives were pure he’d have had no issue telling you. Many years ago I got an email from a guy I met when I served on a jury. We’d connected after on LinkedIn. 
  Part of the email was 100% appropriate- he shared that he was getting a divorce and asked if I knew of a family law attorney - he recalled when we met that I knew a couple of attorneys.  But the rest of the email was sort of feeling me out - had i responded a certain way he might have gone down a flirtatious path.  Had he just asked for the lawyer name I’d have  supplied it and likely not told my husband - I’m sure he gets requests for business referrals too.

But I showed it to him and asked him if it would be ok if I supplied the attorney name given the rest.  He said sure and said if the guy then tried to pursue the personal part we’d deal with it.

These are the kinds of decisions married couples - committed couples make - it’s not an exact science but it requires empathy and putting yourself in your partner’s place - would he/she want to know.  And to me it’s best to err on the side of “yes he would “.  Empathy begins at home. 

I agree with you.

I'm not happy with him.

There was a guy at the coffee shop who would constantly wink at me and purposefully bump in to me after work. I told my husband and I switched coffee shops.

It's weird that this woman gets a "free pass" in the neighborhood. Men swarm there like she's a queen bee. I don't get the attraction.

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30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is it that a hearing is scheduled?  Courts don't schedule hearings just because some neighborhood woman says so.  They have to have something other than gossip and sour grapes.

What does your husband say about this pending court case?

^ I was thinking the same thing.  🤔

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I was thinking the same thing.  🤔

Well they do here. @boltnrun  She called 911 over on street parking issues with my son's car. The police came out (they know her well). She started her lies then and told them that I threatened to beat her up. I haven't spoken to this woman in months. I don't make threats of violence, either. They knocked on my door and were snickering as they know this woman quite well. They said to just stay away. 

I told the police there's neighborhood strain between us since she had a "sneaky game going on with my husband" and she is retaliating that we stopped talking to her so she is causing issues and making up lies. The police wrote up the report of a "suspected affair with" my husband. I think when HER husband read the report, she escalated it to a restraining order. . . I never called it an affair. The police did.

Then she filed a restraining order against me due to "stalking, theft, internet hacking, sending hitmen to her house." She submitted the false police report as evidence 1. On her audio attestation, she said she has proof of stalking, theft, hacking and hitmen. I'm dying to see it.

I got a lawyer for $2000. I have my phone records and my reputation to bring to court where she has a criminal record.

 

Edited by beehiveabc
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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's sure not going to look good that your husband deleted all his messages to and from that woman.

What does your husband have to say about the court case?

He's not happy that this woman is putting me through hell, but my lawyer doesn't want my husband involved in the hearing. The hearing is about me "plotting to harm" her, not an affair. I have the text that told her to back off years ago, and then I have 100s of texts between them that continued listed on phone records (not the actual texts but dates/times).

She's not going to have  a leg to stand on. The judge will see I am the victim of their poor behavior.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

 

 

4 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

Then she filed a restraining order against me 

Ok. That means you can leave her alone. Why do you have to go to court? Do you want the restraining order lifted?

Be grateful you don't have to (and are legally barred from) having to deal with herlockquote widget

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

Then she filed a restraining order against me

And a judge granted it, based on zero evidence?

This story went from 0 to 60 extremely quickly. I can't help but think there are pieces missing, OP. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And a judge granted it, based on zero evidence?

This story went from 0 to 60 extremely quickly. I can't help but think there are pieces missing, OP. 

 

Right now it's a 10 day temporary restraining order.

Google "temporary restraining order." You don't need much evidence to get a hearing granted. She had the false police report. The hearing on Monday will be where we both plead our cases. On Monday, she needs her tangible evidence and she doesn't have any.

This is a hearing to determine if this will be a 1 year order. The evidence she has is the false police report. It is a hearing ~ not a law suit. I will file a law suit if her restraining order is granted as it would mean I can't even be outside of my own home if she is out. 

There would be no purpose to come on an anonymous message board and lie.

When she had the screaming match at my son over parking, I called her a few choice words to protect my son with whom she targeted as she is angry with us for losing her free handyman. I probably hurt her feelings but it doesn't warrant law enforcement. I never threatened to harm her. That's not even in my vocabulary. I don't think in terms of violence.

I feel much better about my situation because it appears that you, too, even say this is bizarre. 

I do think this woman is mentally ill. She doesn't work ~ she's just so odd.

She snuck my husband over (yes, I know he went over on his own free will), defied my wishes to stop texting, she was caught, and her husband knows she's a cheater. . . This is her way of saving her own marriage.

Writing this out makes it so clear for me, so this was helpful.

She knows her way around law enforcement and a court room as she is often in trouble.

Edited by beehiveabc
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Posted (edited)

I am not suggesting you are lying, but rather that you left out a lot of information when you first posted this. It went from a fairly typical tale of  former friend having a secret thing with your husband...to screaming matches, a temporary restraining order and a court case. 

Why she's doing it isn't even all that relevant. 

You need to focus on defending your innocence, and your own troubled marriage. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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