Jump to content

How much time are you alone with your friend's husband? 


Message added by kamurj,

Topic has run its course, closed.

Recommended Posts

Absolutely wrong to both of your second points. Yes. Hiding most anything from your significant other is generally going to be wrong. If he knew you’d be upset… why do it? I mean I get wanting to be nice, but you could’ve come to? Then there would’ve been no complaining, especially if you were her friend. I can’t understand a situation where everything you said is true and there wasn’t something shady going on. Ie the deleted texts and lying… I hate to say not to believe your husband if you trust him but I’d be hard pressed to trust him in your shoes. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it was all so innocent and just neighborly, why on earth did he wipe all his chat records....even from cloud backup. That's going pretty far for such an "innocent" man don't you think. How on earth do you find this behavior convincing? 

His argument is that she is married, he is married so that's that? Really? Since when did that stop people from having affairs?

OP, when it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck...it's a duck. Reason people keep bringing up that your husband was inappropriately involved (cheating) is because there is no flipping way this was all innocent chatting, helping....and hiding it all from you because he didn't want to upset you. He is taking you for a proper fool claiming that.

Anyway, nothing about this is normal or acceptable. Your are not wrong, you are correct. Her behavior is not normal or just poor ditzy little woman who needs help. She doesn't need your help or your husband's and as you can see, now that your hubby is off limits, she spent no time replacing him with someone else....until that wife catches on that is.....

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, redswim30 said:

A lot to unpack here.   First of all, if you are going to judge this woman for her past behavior and feel she's destined to repeat past mistakes and you disagree this strongly, then why are you friends with her in the first place?   Real friends don't do that.  

Honestly, you sound like you want moral superiority over her with your comment of "zero times in my lifetime"- again, friends don't do this to each other.  

I'm sorry, but you either trust your husband or you don't.  I hate when people say " I trust my spouse, but I don't trust the OM/OW", because that's a false statement.  If you REALLY trust your spouse, then it doesn't MATTER how much someone else comes onto them.  My husband has a job where women flirt with him all the time, but I don't care at ALL, because I TRUST that NO MATTER WHAT these women try and tempt him with, he will be faithful to me.  

No one cheats alone.  Read that again. You cannot cheat with an unwilling participant. 

Stop being friends with this woman. Because you aren't really her friend. 

As for your husband, why don't you trust him?  And remember, if he's doing anything- even if it's just that he's enjoying attention from another woman, he's not doing anything that HE doesn't want to.  Please stop *** shaming your friend.  

 

I don't owe my friend an apology. She snuck around with my husband. She should be ashamed. I think you'd agree with me. As you said, "no one cheats alone." Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, Cutiebug123 said:

Absolutely wrong to both of your second points. Yes. Hiding most anything from your significant other is generally going to be wrong. If he knew you’d be upset… why do it? I mean I get wanting to be nice, but you could’ve come to? Then there would’ve been no complaining, especially if you were her friend. I can’t understand a situation where everything you said is true and there wasn’t something shady going on. Ie the deleted texts and lying… I hate to say not to believe your husband if you trust him but I’d be hard pressed to trust him in your shoes. 

Yeah, I had a computer problem and my neighbor is a guru on that. I asked for help. We arranged for him AND his wife and kids to come over on a Saturday. Wife and I sipped wine on the patio while he fixed the issues. Then we all had bbq by way of a thank you and enjoyed a nice afternoon socializing a bit.

This is what normal looks like OP. No texting behind wife's back. No coming over whenever. No hiding. No lies. No sneaking around. No constant damsel in distress bs.

Also, within my group of friends, sure we have various husband's numbers in case of any emergencies. Does anyone chat privately or go hang out one on one with anyone's husband? NO. It's not appropriate.

This isn't really complicated OP. 

To put it very simply, I've spent zero time alone "socializing" with anyone's husband.

Edited by DancingFool
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Cutiebug123 said:

Absolutely wrong to both of your second points. Yes. Hiding most anything from your significant other is generally going to be wrong. If he knew you’d be upset… why do it? I mean I get wanting to be nice, but you could’ve come to? Then there would’ve been no complaining, especially if you were her friend. I can’t understand a situation where everything you said is true and there wasn’t something shady going on. Ie the deleted texts and lying… I hate to say not to believe your husband if you trust him but I’d be hard pressed to trust him in your shoes. 

I'm sure there were crude sex jokes. Yes, I'm furious with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Yeah, I had a computer problem and my neighbor is a guru on that. I asked for help. We arranged for him AND his wife and kids to come over on a Saturday. Wife and I sipped wine on the patio while he fixed the issues. Then we all had bbq by way of a thank you and enjoyed a nice afternoon socializing a bit.

This is what normal looks like OP. No texting behind wife's back. No coming over whenever. No hiding. No lies. No sneaking around. No constant damsel in distress bs.

Also, within my group of friends, sure we have various husband's numbers in case of any emergencies. Does anyone chat privately or go hang out one on one with anyone's husband? NO. It's not appropriate.

This isn't really complicated OP. 

BINGO! THANK YOU! I keep tricking myself into thinking that all of her friends are guys, she's a neighbor, she's cool, let it go. . . then I think not with my man. He's not your 2nd husband. Back off. Too bad you need help. Your husband pulls in at 6:00. I pull in at 4:00. Wait for your husband or Call my house phone and ask ME if my husband has a second to help you.

Yes, I agree. Totally wrong.

SHE SAID MY QUESTIONING OFFENDED HER! I am thinking ~ I beg your pardon? Your boldness and sneakiness OFFENDED ME! It takes 2 to tango. My husband was a clown and she was a poacher. She has no right to be offended. She is trying to SHAME ME!!!!!

Thank you for understanding!!!  🙂

Edited by beehiveabc
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Why didn't he just block her messages? 

How did she get his number?   

He had to encourage this. 

Not to mention deleting their messages.

He's acting like someone with something to hide. 

Like the saying goes, cats only come around if they're being fed. This friend/neighbor was being fed SOMETHING.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

BINGO! THANK YOU! I keep tricking myself into thinking that all of her friends are guys, she's a neighbor, she's cool, let it go. . . then I think not with my man. He's not your 2nd husband. Back off. Too bad you need help. Your husband pulls in at 6:00. I pull in at 4:00. Wait for your husband or Call my house phone and ask ME if my husband has a second to help you.

Yes, I agree. Totally wrong.

SHE SAID MY QUESTIONING OFFENDED HER! I am thinking ~ I beg your pardon? Your boldness and sneakiness OFFENDED ME! It takes 2 to tango. My husband was a clown and she was a poacher. She has no right to be offended. She is trying to SHAME ME!!!!!

Thank you for understanding!!!  🙂

 

Yes we all know your moral compass is far more superior than hers. But look at the prize for that? Your husband that claims innocent but wiped all his chat records. 

I think you are way too focus on being right and fail to see that your husband snuck behind your back and also erased his chat logs so you wouldn't see what was said. Re-direct that energy to what is really the problem... the lack of trust in your marriage.

When you start asking the right questions, you will start seeing what the marital issues are. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

He had all messages deleted. I tried DrFone but his Cloud was deleted, too.

 

8 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

She said, "It wasn't an affair" but the funny thing was ~ I didn't even think it was an affair so her choice of words were interesting.

I think it probably was

Sorry OP, but you are in deep denial about your husband. He's worse than her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

she's a neighbor people feel sorry for.

I am honestly not understanding this, OP.  Why do they feel sorry for her. Why? One could understand feeling sorry for someone who is starving, who has become injured, heading for hospital etc.

But sorry for her because she is flighty, casual and has no boundaries?  And she has a husband of her own.

And she has a strong manipulative streak.

My husband was a clown and she was a poacher. She has no right to be offended. She is trying to SHAME ME!!!!!

 

Edited by LaHermes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

BINGO! THANK YOU! SHE SAID MY QUESTIONING OFFENDED HER! OFFENDED ME!She is trying to SHAME ME!!!!!Thank you for understanding!!! 

Please stop using all caps and bolding to scream at everyone.

Tell your therapist what's going on, it's that simple.

Being  abusive on forums isn't going to save your bad marriage.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please stop using all caps and bolding to scream at everyone.

Tell your therapist what's going on, it's that simple.

Being  abusive on forums isn't going to save your bad marriage.

 

I deeply apologize. I was using that for emphasis. I have no anger towards anyone on this board. I deeply appreciate everyone's insight.

I was just happy that someone saw my side and agreed with my values in terms of opposite sex friendships. Thank you!

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow this is still being batted back and forth???

OP   You are no longer friends with this woman correct?  Then let it go.  You did the right thing, she was wrong and you were right to kick her to the curb.

Now if this is still bothering you because of another reason then being honest with yourself is the best thing to do.  Like maybe you are mad at your husband and are turning that anger at this ex friend because it is easier.  I know you said you trust him and believe him when he states nothing happened but that doesn't mean you are not harboring resentment and anger for being left in the dark all that time and made to look like a fool.

  Is there something still driving your anger other than this ex friend?

 

Lost

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's OK to vent. No need to apologize. It's pretty obvious that you are carrying and suppressing a great deal of frustration and confusion inside of you and it does need to come out.

Your moral compass is exactly where it should be. This woman is what a predator looks like in real life. They don't wear a sign that tells you who you are dealing with. Instead, you end up feeling like you are the crazy person around them even though you.are.not. Call it gaslighting, call it manipulation, call it whatever you want, but the end result is the same - these are people you need to stay away from. Far away. Think impenetrable fortress complete with moats full of snakes and barbed wire kind of far away.

The problem that you are having is that you are projecting your values and your kindness to people who don't have that and don't share that with you. You've got to start wrapping your mind around the idea that people who are completely different from you and who operated on a different plane from you exist. So what do you do when you encounter that? See above - trust your instincts, your values, your morals and step far away from those who don't share it. Trust yourself and seek out your own tribe so to speak - people who do share your values, your morals, your kindness.

Manipulators will manipulate and she is trying to shame you because she sees your kindness as weakness. As something she can attack and use against you. Step away from this bimbo. Who cares what she thinks. She is not your friend, she is not the kind of company you need to keep or please. This goes for anyone orbiting around her as well. Not your tribe and therefore not your problem.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You are no longer friends with this woman correct?  Then let it go. Is there something still driving your anger other than this ex friend?

The voice of reason. Agree. Perhaps individual therapy could help you sort out and unpack all this rage and hatred in privacy, without your husband sitting there playing mr innocent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Is there something still driving your anger other than this ex friend?

Very shrewd Lost.

And I am still at a loss why the entire neighbourhood/community there is feeling so sorry for this bimbo.  And jumping to attention at her beck and call. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Very shrewd Lost.

And I am still at a loss why the entire neighbourhood/community there is feeling so sorry for this bimbo.  And jumping to attention at her beck and call. 

Sociopathic and narcissistic types are very very good at playing a likeable victim that people trip over to support and feel sorry for. Of course not everyone, but many people are highly susceptible to the manipulative act because most people do not see and understand what these people look like.

It's the same as people in abusive relationships always say "but he/she isn't always....and they do x nice things so they cannot be an abuser." It's very black and white thinking that has no basis in reality and gets people in a lot of trouble. A predator can save a drowning dog and be a hero and go rape and kill a woman and feel no remorse and sadly most people cannot reconcile the two acts because of the black and white thinking that a predator must be all bad to be a predator.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are absolutely right there DF.  I bet that underneath the ditzy and dizzy outside there is a tough unpleasant core.  Amazing that the entire neighbourhood is so sorry for her as if she were helpless and hopeless.

And the saying: "no good deed goes unpunished" comes to mind, in this case. L.

3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

most people do not see and understand what these people look like.

There is very little understanding of this type of individual and how they operate. Worse, many don't want to hear about it or have it explained to them.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

It can't boil down to 100% innocence on her part because she was told to stop the private texting. Not only did she disregard my wishes, she had him over in private. My gut tells me this was to give him opportunities to flirt and make moves. he wouldn't do that to me. He isn't attracted to her.

I am here because I am asking ~ do I understand that it's a neighbor who needed help and maybe we can move on in peace as a neighborhood, or do I believe she tried to get him alone? If she needed help, she could have called me or texted me ~ it was always him in private. Is what she did forgivable or did she stab me in the back?

I think you and I are thinking a lot of the same things. Thank you.

My question back to you OP is, WHY do you care about what her intentions were that much if you believe your husband didn't respond to her, in your OWN words "isn't attracted to her" and neither of you SPEAK to her anymore?  

Then what does it matter to you what her intentions were? You want to think she's a horrible person- go for it.  Let's say for the sake of argument everything you think about her (let's be honest- it's just your opinion and not fact) but let's say she DID want him to flirt and make moves on her.  If your husband didn't respond to it, then why does it matter to you?  No matter her intentions, it doesn't change anything.  IMVHO, you should be MUCH more worried about your husband's deceptions than hers.  But it's common tale to blame " the devil you don't know" rather than "the devil you do".  All the opinions on this woman and her morals doesn't fix your marriage, OP. 

I want to know why you are SO focused on HER intentions (who you no longer see) and NOT your husband's (since he is STILL your husband and someone with a wandering eye will always find another person to wander with, even if it isn't THIS woman anymore) 

I worry just for you, OP.  Please remember, put blame where it squarely belongs- on your husband.  There's no such thing as "stealing someone's partner"- no one can be "stolen" that doesn't want to be.  No one "accidentally cheats".  They either do or don't.   And no matter how much someone FLIRTS with your spouse, it's up to your SPOUSE to draw the lines and if they don't- it's THEIR fault.  Your husband could have stopped or said NO at any time.  Stop worrying about her and start worrying about why HE didn't do that. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, beehiveabc said:

I was just happy that someone saw my side and agreed with my values in terms of opposite sex friendships.

The best thing to do is individual (private) therapy in addition to marriage therapy.

Catty name calling "bimbo", etc. isn't helping your marriage either.

Also she is not a 'narcissist', 'seductress', 'manipulator', etc., etc., etc. either. 

Your husband eagerly and willingly went there. That's on him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

I deeply apologize. I was using that for emphasis. I have no anger towards anyone on this board. I deeply appreciate everyone's insight.

I was just happy that someone saw my side and agreed with my values in terms of opposite sex friendships. Thank you!

This has nothing to do with opposite sex friendships. It has to do with a woman continuing to ask your husband to come over and help her for free after you asked her to stop plus your husband  lying to you about it. Even if they also were friends this situation is not related to any friendship but relates to her asking him for favors which she likely would have done whether they were friends or not. This has to do with values about honesty and integrity.  Not opposite sex friendships. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing to do is individual (private) therapy in addition to marriage therapy.

Catty name calling "bimbo", etc. isn't helping your marriage either.

Also she is not a 'narcissist', 'seductress', 'manipulator', etc., etc., etc. either. 

Your husband eagerly and willingly went there. That's on him.

I'm sorry but I never called her a bimbo or seductress. I don't say those words.

I am not catty at all. I am a victim here seeking advice. . . You seem very upset with me with all of your responses to me and I am curious why.

This woman calls herself a "ditz" ~ that's how she gets people to help her. That's the role she plays.

She did me wrong so obviously I am hurt. You will say it's my husband's fault and I will agree with you 100%, but I was also a kind person to this woman and she stabbed me in the back.

Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I'm sorry but I never called her a bimbo or seductress. You will say it's my husband's fault and I will agree with you 100%

Absolutely. This why a confidential professional place for you to unpack and sort all this out privately  would be great for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Here's the issue. . .

I am hearing from neighbors that she is telling them "her side." I don't even know why neighbors are even involved as I am pleasant to everyone in the neighborhood and this is a personal matter, but my next-door neighbor warned me that she is targeting me to "get me back." I asked, "for what?" and she said, "theft and stalking and internet hacking and hiring hitmen that are ringing her doorbell at midnight." None of this is true at all. I work for a Catholic Church. I am an older woman! After my hurt, I had sympathy for this woman. I have a sick child. I am not after this woman ~ I have bigger fish to fry in my life. I didn't want to even give her the satisfaction that this secret was eating me up inside.

This is libel. I told my neighbor about her secrets with my husband and my neighbor was shocked. She said that that's not the tale she's telling people. She's telling people that after being cordial neighbors for 20 years, you snapped.

I keep wracking my brain why she is doing this to me. Is she in love with my husband? I keep asking myself if it was as innocent as my husband said, and she is on thin ice for cheating, she could have showed me the innocent texts. 

I am wondering if she is conjuring up this tale for fear I will tell her husband? In which case I ask myself if the texts were so innocent, then that's her evidence for her husband. She doesn't need to drag me through the mud with lies.

I have a lawyer and all my evidence. This woman is evil and my husband finally sees it.

She has a bad reputation so the neighbors are seeing that. Anyone who knows me knows she's full of it. I just don't know why she is doing this to me. Is she embarrassed/ashamed she was caught? If so, I would accept her apology or is it  a full blown affair and she's silencing me? Bullying me into silence?

Edited by beehiveabc
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • kamurj locked this topic
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share


×
×
  • Create New...