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How much time are you alone with your friend's husband? 


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Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

It's funny, because she moved on to a different neighbor now. lol

Imagine!! Maybe all the neighbourhood ladies signed a petition that she should clear off. LOL.

Sorry. Misread that. So she has homed in on another neighbour. How did you find this out?  OP, I'd advise you not only to cut her off but also not to get involved in any news about her misdemeanours and adventures.

Edited by LaHermes
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Mr. Nice Guy doesn't seem to have a problem deceiving and lying to his own wife.

How again is this behavior supposed to be "nice"? 

If he was so "nice" he wouldn't be hiding this relationship from his own wife for years. Or having this secret relationship at all.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why isn't your marital therapist addressing your marriage, your husbands wandering eye, etc.? Why are you obsessed with her?

I'm not obsessed with her. . .

She's a neighbor and I was on the fence questioning the situation ~ was it okay or was it wrong.

The people on here have convinced me my gut is right. She was very wrong and my husband played into her.

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Imagine!! Maybe all the neighbourhood ladies signed a petition that she should clear off. LOL.

Sorry. Misread that. So she has homed in on another neighbour. How did you find this out?  OP, I'd advise you not only to cut her off but also not to get involved in any news about her misdemeanours and adventures.

I saw him entering her home when his wife wasn't home. . . I couldn't believe my eyes. She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why isn't your marital therapist addressing your marriage, your husbands wandering eye, etc.? Why are you obsessed with her?

He doesn't have a wandering eye.  

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2 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

I'm supposed to be compassionate, neighborly, and understanding of her needs. I'm supposed to trust her as a friend and neighbor 

Who exactly is making you think you are "supposed to" feel this way?

Who is saying these things?

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21 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I'm not obsessed with her. . .

She's a neighbor and I was on the fence questioning the situation ~ was it okay or was it wrong.

The people on here have convinced me my gut is right. She was very wrong and my husband played into her.

 

19 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I saw him entering her home when his wife wasn't home. . . I couldn't believe my eyes. She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women.

OP, you can't have it both ways.  Either she AND your husband were conniving together and had an affair- that he actively and willingly participated in together with her.   OR it really was innocent on his part AND hers. 

IMVHO, You seem to want to say " My poor naive husband got caught in her spider's web and it's all HER fault" as if your husband has no free will of his own.  And if you DO believe that, then he is your problem, not her.   If you cut her off and you aren't obsessed with her anymore, than why do you still care what she is doing- independent of your family? 

You say you aren't obsessed with her and then a post later make a statement like "She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women."- You are being really judgmental. Even assuming you are correct about her character-  If men cross boundaries that they shouldn't with her, that's on THEM if they are unfaithful.  

But if she's no longer seeing your husband or talking to you, then why do you care so much about continuing to bash her?  If you haven't forgiven your husband, then be mad at HIM, not her.  She's long gone, he isn't.  

You do not know for a fact what this woman is doing.  Maybe she really does have problems you don't know about, maybe she just likes talking to people- you are jumping to a lot of conclusions about her that you really have zero proof about.  

And finally, if you really believe and trust your husband that nothing happened and he doesn't have a wandering eye- then why are you even here, other than to solidify your belief about the character of this other woman, which again suggests you have an obsession with her.  

I'm advising you to search inwards and seek counseling.  Because for whatever reason, you clearly are not over this and have unresolved personal feelings about your marriage.   

 

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Posted (edited)
43 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm supposed to be compassionate, neighborly, and understanding of her needs.

I would ask the same?  You are not the Samaritans or any other charitable voluntary organization.  Who suggested to you that you should be "understanding of her needs"?

Taking a stab in the dark here OP. Are you all members of a parish perhaps or some such group where neighbourliness is part of the ethic?

Edited by LaHermes
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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Make it clear to him that if he so much as looks at her ever again...or any other "damsel in distress in need of pipe cleaning", he'll spend his retirement in a dank studio in a ghetto with a leaking roof and he needs to believe that to the very bottom of his soul.

You made my evening DF LOL. The image conjured up is beyond picturesque. LOL. 

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2 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

I'm supposed to be compassionate, neighborly, and understanding of her needs. I'm supposed to trust her as a friend and neighbor that she wouldn't cross a line with my husband although she has crossed lines with other women's husbands, but she gets to defy my wishes and continue to text him, override me, and "need" him at hours I would never know about ~ for years. Quite coincidental at her timing. I'm supposed to understand that she's financially strapped to hire someone and it's one small favor again and again and to just accept that there's no transparency from her ~ (let alone him. He's the problem here, I know). She's in a huff and offended. I think she was caught and her game is over and that's where her indignancy is coming from. I've been gaslighted thinking maybe I am wrong, but you are right, I don't have to accept it or tolerate it.

 

I’m baffled.  Where are these supposed tos coming from ?? You’re making up these hypothetical standards to then argue against them.  You’re allowed to have your own values and standards.  And couples work out what their individual standards and boundaries are.  It’s silly to use the neighborly and compassionate broad cliches.  Of course you should be. In general.  You know full well that there’s a broad spectrum of what neighbors should do for each other and compassion is subjective.  You’re just looking desperately for validation and reassurance.  Why ??

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1 hour ago, beehiveabc said:

He doesn't have a wandering eye.  

He's sneaking over to another woman's home and lying to you about it and hiding it from you. For YEARS.

What do you call that?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's sneaking over to another woman's home and lying to you about it and hiding it from you. For YEARS.

What do you call that?

Wandering penis

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’m baffled.  Where are these supposed tos coming from ?? You’re making up these hypothetical standards to then argue against them.  You’re allowed to have your own values and standards.  And couples work out what their individual standards and boundaries are.  It’s silly to use the neighborly and compassionate broad cliches.  Of course you should be. In general.  You know full well that there’s a broad spectrum of what neighbors should do for each other and compassion is subjective.  You’re just looking desperately for validation and reassurance.  Why ??

 

Thank you everyone for the responses.

I am a kind person. If she legit needed help, if it was open and honest, I would have been fine with it. I have a problem with the secrecy. I am not wrong for that. That's the validation that I wanted because I feel sorry for this woman if she's in a bind. My husband hid it from me because the woman has a bad reputation (a self-proclaimed bad rep) and he didn't want me flipping out on him. he made it worse by hiding it from me because it does look suspicious.

Just because my husband helped her, does not mean he was having sex with her. I believe him.

It's odd, because many posts shift to he is having a love affair with her and I am mean to be calling her names.

My question is is it ever okay to text another woman's husband and have him over 1:1 when the wife said it made her uncomfortable. My moral compass says NO unless the wife knows and is fine with it. My doubt lies in the fact should I be understanding knowing she's a needy neighbor?  That's the issue at hand.

I recently became FB friends with an old high school friend. It was odd, because her husband friend requested me shortly after. I accepted. He private messaged me about us all getting together as couples. I said "great." But then he started messaging me small talk. . . I refused to answer him. It just felt WRONG.

I've had men over 1:1 to give me estimates on house work. When my husband is not home, it feels OFF to me. It feels WRONG.

I wanted validation that this woman burned her bridge with me for choosing to be a sneak about her communications with my husband. Just because she's a neighbor doesn't let her off the hook, right?

Would you like a woman texting your husband after you told her to please stop?

Edited by beehiveabc
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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He's sneaking over to another woman's home and lying to you about it and hiding it from you. For YEARS.

What do you call that?

I understand fully why he lied. She has a bad reputation and she called and texted him and he quickly helped her as neighbors and he didn't want me yelling at him.

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3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I would ask the same?  You are not the Samaritans or any other charitable voluntary organization.  Who suggested to you that you should be "understanding of her needs"?

Taking a stab in the dark here OP. Are you all members of a parish perhaps or some such group where neighbourliness is part of the ethic?

No, but she's a neighbor people feel sorry for. Does she get a free pass for disrespecting my wishes and continuing to text him and sneaking him over? Should I forgive and understand her position?

Do you feel it is wrong to text another woman's husband when she nicely told you not to?

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2 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I understand fully why he lied. She has a bad reputation and she called and texted him and he quickly helped her as neighbors and he didn't want me yelling at him.

So it was better to do it repeatedly and hide it from you for years, thereby risking even more of your wrath?

Right. 

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3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

 

OP, you can't have it both ways.  Either she AND your husband were conniving together and had an affair- that he actively and willingly participated in together with her.   OR it really was innocent on his part AND hers. 

IMVHO, You seem to want to say " My poor naive husband got caught in her spider's web and it's all HER fault" as if your husband has no free will of his own.  And if you DO believe that, then he is your problem, not her.   If you cut her off and you aren't obsessed with her anymore, than why do you still care what she is doing- independent of your family? 

You say you aren't obsessed with her and then a post later make a statement like "She has all the men wrapped around her finger. They must like weak women."- You are being really judgmental. Even assuming you are correct about her character-  If men cross boundaries that they shouldn't with her, that's on THEM if they are unfaithful.  

But if she's no longer seeing your husband or talking to you, then why do you care so much about continuing to bash her?  If you haven't forgiven your husband, then be mad at HIM, not her.  She's long gone, he isn't.  

You do not know for a fact what this woman is doing.  Maybe she really does have problems you don't know about, maybe she just likes talking to people- you are jumping to a lot of conclusions about her that you really have zero proof about.  

And finally, if you really believe and trust your husband that nothing happened and he doesn't have a wandering eye- then why are you even here, other than to solidify your belief about the character of this other woman, which again suggests you have an obsession with her.  

I'm advising you to search inwards and seek counseling.  Because for whatever reason, you clearly are not over this and have unresolved personal feelings about your marriage.   

 

It can't boil down to 100% innocence on her part because she was told to stop the private texting. Not only did she disregard my wishes, she had him over in private. My gut tells me this was to give him opportunities to flirt and make moves. he wouldn't do that to me. He isn't attracted to her.

I am here because I am asking ~ do I understand that it's a neighbor who needed help and maybe we can move on in peace as a neighborhood, or do I believe she tried to get him alone? If she needed help, she could have called me or texted me ~ it was always him in private. Is what she did forgivable or did she stab me in the back?

I think you and I are thinking a lot of the same things. Thank you.

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So it was better to do it repeatedly and hide it from you for years, thereby risking even more of your wrath?

Right. 

That's exactly what I said to him! Believe me. he made it 1 million times worse.

It made me feel like he valued secrecy with her over honesty with me. He insists that wasn't the case. It was a ditsy neighbor he helped. Two minutes here and there. It meant nothing to him. She's married, he's married, she was a friend and neighbor. What was he to do?

Again, I believe him. I question her motivation. Was it to get him alone? Was it to get him to open up? Or was she simply getting chores done and if she was simply getting chores done, he is my husband and if he wasn't going to tell me, she should have told me. You don't do that to another woman. Then I ask ~ am I supposed to overlook it because she's a neighbor?

Edited by beehiveabc
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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

That's exactly what I said to him! Believe me. he made it 1 million times worse.

Yes, he did. 

You need to ask yourself why he did that. It wasn't just because he was being a good neighbour. And she was not just a neighbour who needed help. Sounds like he enjoyed her attention and the attraction was mutual. 

Did you ever actually investigate what happened between them? Or did you not really want to find out the whole truth? 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Just now, beehiveabc said:

That's exactly what I said to him! Believe me. he made it 1 million times worse.

 

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, he did. 

You need to ask yourself why he did that. It wasn't just because he was being a good neighbour. Sounds like he enjoyed her attention and the attraction was mutual. 

Did you ever really investigate what happened between them? Or did you not really want to find out the whole truth?

He had all messages deleted. I tried DrFone but his Cloud was deleted, too.

I texted her and asked her if everything was okay ~ that I saw all the phone records and saw all the texting that had gone on. She ignored me. I stayed calm and cool. I confronted her and asked her if everything was okay and she said my question was most insulting and she wouldn't dignify it with an answer. She said, "It wasn't an affair" but the funny thing was ~ I didn't even think it was an affair so her choice of words were interesting.

She then proceeded to avoid us/hide from us ever since. She's acting scared. All I can think of is her husband would be furious if he knew, but I never told him. It's been months of silence.

I would of thought an innocent woman would have share the text messages with me, but instead, she wants me to wonder. I think that in and of itself is disrespectful OR the texts were sexual.

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My husband's version is convincing.

Her actions are confusing.

I know she's a person in need of help, but she wanted his help without me knowing. . .

I want to be a good person and a good neighbor.

It's confusing.

 

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I hate to say it but it sounds like your husband is a major part of this issue. How was he going to a woman’s house with no one there and not even mentioning it to you for years? Probably because he knew you’d be upset and more likely because he was going something wrong… I mean why else would it be a secret? And did you never tell your husband you didn’t like how much this woman texted him or anything? If you ever mentioned that she made you uncomfortable and he continued to give her time and attention, she is definitely not the issue. You need to talk to your husband and figure out what he was thinking. 

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, Cutiebug123 said:

I hate to say it but it sounds like your husband is a major part of this issue. How was he going to a woman’s house with no one there and not even mentioning it to you for years? Probably because he knew you’d be upset and more likely because he was going something wrong… I mean why else would it be a secret? And did you never tell your husband you didn’t like how much this woman texted him or anything? If you ever mentioned that she made you uncomfortable and he continued to give her time and attention, she is definitely not the issue. You need to talk to your husband and figure out what he was thinking. 

Yes, I agree.

He said she was a friend and he knew she had a bad reputation (she admitted that to me) but he says I should believe him (even though he lied for years) that it was strictly neighborly, just likes he helps other neighbors. he said knowing how I felt about her, the LAST thing he wanted was to hear me complain that he was over her house alone because I'd get the wrong idea. I keep saying:  I am getting the wrong idea that you did this for years and LIED about it! He says he understands but the past is the past and move on.

I feel guilty because this woman was my friend and neighbor and if it was him helping her, I would understand. I don't understand why they both hid it from me.

*  Do you agree it is wrong to be 1:1 in a home of someone of the opposite sex with neither spouse knowing?  EVEN if it was a neighbor you were friendly with.

* It is wrong to have a texting relationship with someone of the opposite sex without either spouse knowing? EVEN if it was a neighbor and it was about chores.

I keep saying to myself "But it's HER and that's the way she is and all men help her and her husband can't/won't help her" but then I think it was a SECRET! Am I supposed to overlook it because of who she is?

Edited by beehiveabc
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So he snuck over there and lied about it and covered it up for YEARS and he deleted their messages...and SHE'S the problem?

She didn't stand up and make vows to you. He did. So he owes you honesty and loyalty. But instead he chose to lie, deceive and conceal.

You can get her out of your life but you still have a husband who behaved poorly, to put it mildly.

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