How much time are you alone with your friend's husband?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, beehiveabc said:

YES ~ my husband was 100% wrong, but if this happened to you with your friend, you would not sweep her actions under the rug, either

I don't see anyone suggesting you sweep her actions under the rug, but rather that your anger seemed to be aimed mostly at her when your husband was shady, too. 

And no, I would not at all be okay with my partner secretly spending time with my friend for years on end. She was wrong. He was wrong. After you told her not to contact him, she should have stopped- and he could and should have blocked her. 

Does her husband know about all of this? Did you ever manage to verify what sort of messges were exchanged between your husband and this woman, how frequently they met, and how long they spent doing handyman tasks? 

 

[dias]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

how long they spent doing handyman tasks? 

There is a good chance he is telling the truth when he says he did only handyman work. Now, many kind of tasks fall under the handyman work category from a guy's perspective....but strictly speaking he might told the truth!

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, dias said:

 Now, many kind of tasks fall under the handyman work category from a guy's perspective....but strictly speaking he might told the truth!

Then why keep it a secret for years? 

Doesn't quite add up. 

[redswim30]

20 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

Thank you, everyone.

My husband says it was innocent. I believe him, but I don't believe she viewed it as innocent.

I say as a married woman, you know what you are doing contacting another woman's husband and having him over. . . routinely. . .and never, ever mentioning it to the wife.

I just wanted confirmation that I am not unreasonable in my disgust towards her. 

 

 

 

 

A lot to unpack here.   First of all, if you are going to judge this woman for her past behavior and feel she's destined to repeat past mistakes and you disagree this strongly, then why are you friends with her in the first place?   Real friends don't do that.  

Honestly, you sound like you want moral superiority over her with your comment of "zero times in my lifetime"- again, friends don't do this to each other.  

I'm sorry, but you either trust your husband or you don't.  I hate when people say " I trust my spouse, but I don't trust the OM/OW", because that's a false statement.  If you REALLY trust your spouse, then it doesn't MATTER how much someone else comes onto them.  My husband has a job where women flirt with him all the time, but I don't care at ALL, because I TRUST that NO MATTER WHAT these women try and tempt him with, he will be faithful to me.  

No one cheats alone.  Read that again. You cannot cheat with an unwilling participant. 

Stop being friends with this woman. Because you aren't really her friend. 

As for your husband, why don't you trust him?  And remember, if he's doing anything- even if it's just that he's enjoying attention from another woman, he's not doing anything that HE doesn't want to.  Please stop *** shaming your friend.  

 

[dias]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then why keep it a secret for years? 

Doesn't quite add up. 

Sorry I didn't accentuate the right part

22 minutes ago, dias said:

from a guy's perspective

All I am saying is, it's not only the water pipe which needs the magic touch (hands only😁) so strictly speaking he is telling the truth 😎

 

Kidding aside, you can't never know, only the people who were involved know. If OP is the controlling type, he might be telling the truth and nothing happened indeed. If she is not, well, then the answer is quite obvious. 

[Lambert]

I think your right to not be friends with this woman. 

You seem to enjoy or at least get some pleasure from "her being after" your husband.

Maybe you blame her more than him because maybe you have the satisfication that you 'won'. 

I don't think it matters who believes your husband. Therapists or whoever. Psychopaths are great liars.  I think you should seek some therapy on your own.  you are directing a lot of the anger, thought and blame to this woman.  Why? because she was a friend? 

Your ego is not allowing you to fully accept the deception performed by your husband. frankly, that is the more painful aspect of this.

Whether anything physical  happened or not.  It's a betrayal and your excusing it by saying your husband is a little innocent puppy. he would help anyone. he just is too nice. 

I know plenty of great guys that will totally help anyone. stop on the highway for a stranger and the like. But I honestly cannot see them doing this for years and not mentioning it.

I don't care if the story hasn't changed.  Something is not right in your marriage. you're not a close as you think.  it's beyond an affair.

And your transferring all your bad feelings to her. You need to look at you. Somewhere in there you are not being honest with yourself. 

I know it's easy to accept bad behavior because you love a person and you don't want what happened to mean the end or that your love didn't love you.  But in many ways, that's putting the other person above yourself.  Which is very hazardous. 

The best thing you can do is get real with you. And then the solution will be crystal clear. 

Many times we are confused not because we don't know, but because we don't like what we know. 

[Andrina]

He had to have been doing something that he received some value from to have knowingly risked his marriage. Sex? Ego boost, intrigue, with an emotional affair?

As for your question, a married woman should be going to another woman for emotional support if she has problems. Of course it was inappropriate for her to confide and seek emotional support from your husband. That's entering emotional affair territory, which this might have been. 

You're choosing to stay married to him, so the only thing you have to worry about is if he's doing the work he needs to do to save the marriage. If he doesn't see what he did is wrong, he will repeat the same indiscretions. Establish marital rules that don't give room for future emotional affairs. He will have to be very transparent to earn your trust.

I, myself, couldn't be with someone who valued another woman's needs over mine, since that would send a clear message to me that he didn't care enough about me. But there are couples who experience the near end of a relationship and see it as a wake up call, that they want to do the hard work to build a healthy marriage. Make sure he knows you're not a doormat, and the next time he does anything behind your back will be the marriage's demise. I wish you the best. 

[beehiveabc]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't see anyone suggesting you sweep her actions under the rug, but rather that your anger seemed to be aimed mostly at her when your husband was shady, too. 

And no, I would not at all be okay with my partner secretly spending time with my friend for years on end. She was wrong. He was wrong. After you told her not to contact him, she should have stopped- and he could and should have blocked her. 

Does her husband know about all of this? Did you ever manage to verify what sort of messges were exchanged between your husband and this woman, how frequently they met, and how long they spent doing handyman tasks? 

 

 

I do believe him. he said he'd be in and out in 2 minutes ~ her window was jammed or her sink was clogged. 

He knew she had a bad reputation so for me not wanting him alone with her in secret ~ is that being a controlling wife? No. If they both were OPEN and HONEST of his comings and goings and their texts, I'd have no problem with it. I'm not controlling. I WILL be controlling if you're being dishonest.

My question was ~ is it appropriate of her to keep going to him when she knew I didn't know? It's the principle. I say she's wrong and I'm not being jealous, catty, or morally superior. . . If I had her husband over, I'd say, "Please thank ___ again for me. My sink was clogged." I wouldn't secretly text and have him over in secret multiple times. I don't think I should overlook it because she's a friend or needy.

I answered my own question. She was 100% wrong and inappropriate and my husband was sneaky. I dumped her as did he and our marriage is stronger now than ever.

 

[DancingFool]

You can't find peace because you are being gaslighted to death.

You may want to believe your husband, but how can you? He can't say no to her, but he sure could say no to you, couldn't he? When you ended that friendship and asked him to stop going over there, he had no problem lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. Then he has the nerve to turn it around on you and blame you for his actions - he just didn't want to upset you. Yeah right. You know what wouldn't upset you? Him being loyal to his wife and not sneaking around with the other woman.

Realizing that you are married to a cheater is hard and you are in a lot of denial. Unfortunately, that's not bringing any sort of peace into your life. Asking a cheater if he cheated is an act of futility. Cheaters will deny what they did even when confronted with indisputable evidence. In your case, you have nothing but the obvious - nobody goes sneaking around for years to play innocent handyman.

[DancingFool]

6 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

 

I do believe him. he said he'd be in and out in 2 minutes ~ her window was jammed or her sink was clogged. 

 

 

You've got to be kidding. Poor damsel in distress has never heard of Drano and is too broke to go to Walmart and spend a couple dollars on that? Your hubs just haaad to run over there to unclog her pipe? He was cleaning a pipe alright, just not the one in the kitchen.

Anyway, it sounds like you are determined to "believe" so what can anyone say. Carry on. She was wrong, he was wrong, you are correct that nothing about this was appropriate. Now let it all go and turn a blind eye and believe away and tell yourself that you are closer than ever because yeah....nothing like years of cleaning another woman's pipe to bring a marriage together.....

[dias]

14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

He was cleaning a pipe alright, just not the one in the kitchen.

See... we all agree in the end

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

She was once my friend. I am looking for mental closure on our ENDED friendship. That is why I am on here. Do you agree that her continuance with him WAS WRONG even if it was "innocent" as my husband said?

YES ~ my husband was 100% wrong, but if this happened to you with your friend, you would not sweep her actions under the rug, either. You'd want to process it and understand it. That's why I am on here. I can't discuss it with people that know us.

Thank you!  🙂 

I keep doubting myself asking if it was really that big of a deal, but then I think it was because if it was innocent, I would have known. It was hidden for a reason but my husband said the reason was for this reason ~ I'd be suspicious.

It's probably still bothering you because you're with your husband, not sure if history will repeat itself. The friendship doesn't mean anything anymore. It's toast, away with the birds. 

Why do you live in such fear and anxiety on whether you did the right thing? Let go of this but be wary of what goes on under your own roof. Work on your marriage if you want to stay together.

[beehiveabc]

23 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's probably still bothering you because you're with your husband, not sure if history will repeat itself. The friendship doesn't mean anything anymore. It's toast, away with the birds. 

Why do you live in such fear and anxiety on whether you did the right thing? Let go of this but be wary of what goes on under your own roof. Work on your marriage if you want to stay together.

Thank you. She lives diagonally across the street. She's ditsy and can't get out of her own way. Many people help her. She's wacky and needy. All he has to do is walk across the street. It's not that he drove there. he wasn't inconvenienced. he's retired and sitting home. I believe him that it was innocent on his part as I saw him do odd jobs for her in the past. he didn't tell me the odd jobs continued because he knew my feelings changed for her when I found out she had cheated on her husband.

I just can't figure out if she purposefully deceived me and she was playing games with my husband or if her behavior was an innocent oversight.

 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

Thank you. She lives diagonally across the street. She's ditsy and can't get out of her own way. Many people help her. She's wacky and needy. All he has to do is walk across the street. It's not that he drove there. he wasn't inconvenienced. he's retired and sitting home. I believe him that it was innocent on his part as I saw him do odd jobs for her in the past. he didn't tell me the odd jobs continued because he knew my feelings changed for her when I found out she had cheated on her husband.

I just can't figure out if she purposefully deceived me and she was playing games with my husband or if her behavior was an innocent oversight.

 

 

This is someone you referred to as a friend and you have these hostile opinions about her? Perhaps your husband can volunteer where he can help people as he seems to like that role.

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

Thank you. She lives diagonally across the street. She's ditsy and can't get out of her own way. Many people help her. She's wacky and needy. All he has to do is walk across the street. It's not that he drove there. he wasn't inconvenienced. he's retired and sitting home. I believe him that it was innocent on his part as I saw him do odd jobs for her in the past. he didn't tell me the odd jobs continued because he knew my feelings changed for her when I found out she had cheated on her husband.

I just can't figure out if she purposefully deceived me and she was playing games with my husband or if her behavior was an innocent oversight.

I don't think it's innocent. Have more faith in the intelligence of your female brethren. None of of this would be causing you so much grief if you sensed it was all above board. Trust your instincts. 

As I said earlier, keep working on your marriage. The only person you're going to get affirmation or confirmation or lack thereof that the marriage is working is from your partner. You're wasting precious time and energy looking for signs from the wrong person on the street. The person to look at is under your own roof. Take a closer look at your marriage. Then do what you have to do if it's finished.

[beehiveabc]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

This is someone you referred to as a friend and you have these hostile opinions about her? Perhaps your husband can volunteer where he can help people as he seems to like that role.

I'm not hostile at all...?  She is a little wacky. She says it herself.

Yes, my husband is a kind soul.

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I'm not hostile at all...?  She is a little wacky. She says it herself.

Yes, my husband is a kind soul.

 

Not hostile perhaps but highly critical of someone you describe as a friend.  As you wrote she was mad at you for accusing her -she doesn't think she was being needy -she wanted your husband to come over and he did. Being kind is wonderful as long as the person isn't also being a doormat.  Perhaps if he is "sitting home" he needs to find productive -helpful -stuff to occupy his time.

[Batya33]

On 5/23/2021 at 11:16 AM, beehiveabc said:

She's angry with me for questioning her continuance of texting him and her home-visit timing. She's insulted I am suspicious

That's what you wrote -doesn't sound like she thought she was being needy or wacky at all with respect to her asking your husband for favors.

[DancingFool]

Just now, beehiveabc said:

I'm not hostile at all...?  She is a little wacky. She says it herself.

Yes, my husband is a kind soul.

 

Not very kind to sneak around behind your back and against your wishes.....for years no less....

There is literally nothing right or kosher about this entire situation. Yes, women like her exist and they will screw every and any man they can. The helpless hapless damsel in distress is actually part of the attraction. Just keep in mind that said man is an active participant, not an innocent, kind victim who just couldn't say no.

He is retired and bored? Get a hobby that doesn't involve sneaking across the street to clean pipes for the neighborhood ho ho ho.

Look, my father is retired and super handy. There is almost nothing he can't fix or figure out. My parents have some long standing friends, some women who are single now and do you know how many times over the years he's been asked to help out with something for them? You can count it on one hand and still have room left over. Also, it was such a "secret" that even I know about it. That and the fact that no, you don't have things break all.the.time.

Your husband is not 20 years old. He knows very well what he was doing and you know that too deep down. It's why this is all eating at you. No matter how desperately you want to believe, you can't because you are not that naive.

[beehiveabc]

13 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Not very kind to sneak around behind your back and against your wishes.....for years no less....

There is literally nothing right or kosher about this entire situation. Yes, women like her exist and they will screw every and any man they can. The helpless hapless damsel in distress is actually part of the attraction. Just keep in mind that said man is an active participant, not an innocent, kind victim who just couldn't say no.

He is retired and bored? Get a hobby that doesn't involve sneaking across the street to clean pipes for the neighborhood ho ho ho.

Look, my father is retired and super handy. There is almost nothing he can't fix or figure out. My parents have some long standing friends, some women who are single now and do you know how many times over the years he's been asked to help out with something for them? You can count it on one hand and still have room left over. Also, it was such a "secret" that even I know about it. That and the fact that no, you don't have things break all.the.time.

Your husband is not 20 years old. He knows very well what he was doing and you know that too deep down. It's why this is all eating at you. No matter how desperately you want to believe, you can't because you are not that naive.

THANK YOU. I agree with you 100%. It IRKS me that according to this woman and my husband, I'm supposed to chalk it up as being neighborly and she's helpless.

I understand neighborly, but as a wife, I get to draw a line n the sand. I asked her to stop years ago. She didn't, and now she plays the innocent dumb card and can't I be "compassionate and neighborly" ~ that I am the JERK!  I am the insecure clown.

He could help her EVERY DAY for all I cared ~ just be HONEST. She and HE kept it a secret. THAT's what angers me. It was a secret and I get ANGRY that they both pull it off as I am insane ~ that it was simply 2 innocent friends being neighborly and fixing a drain isn't worth a dinner conversation topic. . .

For years I spoke to this woman. She never, ever mentioned she texted and/or he came over and neither did he. He kept it a secret for his own personal reasons but SO DID SHE so they both were in on it and I am the victim.

Thank you because he and I both blocked her and ignore her. It's awkward now, but I know it was deception and I didn't deserve it. She played with my marriage as a willing participant as did he, but she can't play the "I am so offended you would think that of me" card. SHE IS ACTING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY. I would give her the benefit of the doubt has she TOLD ME! If she actually texted ME and said, "Can you send your husband over to look at my sink real quick?" I'd say, "Of course!"

The texts were about 4x/week. The home visits 10x/year according to my husband, but even that is too much when you add it all up and I never knew.

 

 

[LaHermes]

23 hours ago, LaHermes said:

You don't have to accept anything, OP.  Her personality is beside the point as are her intentions..  Why be "friends" with such a flaky individual in the first instance. 

Just be more careful about who you let into your circle, and/or in your door.

Just repeating what I said in a previous post. 

 

5 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

She was once my friend. I am looking for mental closure on our ENDED friendship.

It really is simple, OP.  Just cut her off, and keep her away from your door. 

I can be casual, funny and easygoing too, but I sure don't hit on neighbour's husbands to do odd jobs for me. 

Basically, it is all and solely about good boundaries OP. 

[beehiveabc]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Just repeating what I said in a previous post. 

 

It really is simple, OP.  Just cut her off, and keep her away from your door. 

I can be casual, funny and easygoing too, but I sure don't hit on neighbour's husbands to do odd jobs for me. 

Basically, it is all and solely about good boundaries OP. 

Exactly. Once in a blue moon, yes, but 10x/year that my husband has admitted to (there could be more), it's to entice him and I'm sure he enjoyed the flattery and attention she gave him.

It's funny, because she moved on to a different neighbor now. lol

[beehiveabc]

I'm supposed to be compassionate, neighborly, and understanding of her needs. I'm supposed to trust her as a friend and neighbor that she wouldn't cross a line with my husband although she has crossed lines with other women's husbands, but she gets to defy my wishes and continue to text him, override me, and "need" him at hours I would never know about ~ for years. Quite coincidental at her timing. I'm supposed to understand that she's financially strapped to hire someone and it's one small favor again and again and to just accept that there's no transparency from her ~ (let alone him. He's the problem here, I know). She's in a huff and offended. I think she was caught and her game is over and that's where her indignancy is coming from. I've been gaslighted thinking maybe I am wrong, but you are right, I don't have to accept it or tolerate it.

 

[Wiseman2]

Why isn't your marital therapist addressing your marriage, your husbands wandering eye, etc.? Why are you obsessed with her?

[DancingFool]

You have every right to be angry and disgusted with both of them. They conspired and deceived you together.

No, she doesn't get to play all righteous and holier than thou, but she will because that's what these types of people do. All you can do is roll your eyes and move on with your life and IGNORE her completely. She'd love to engage you in a fight, but it's like the old saying "don't wrestle with pigs as you'll both get muddy, but the pig will enjoy it." She is the pig here, so you do not wrestle with her. To you, she is an empty space and that will infuriate her because she thrives on attention. So starve her of that. Give nothing because that's your greatest power over her - she is less than an empty space to you. This goes double for your hubby.

Make it clear to him that if he so much as looks at her ever again...or any other "damsel in distress in need of pipe cleaning", he'll spend his retirement in a dank studio in a ghetto with a leaking roof and he needs to believe that to the very bottom of his soul. That is IF you choose to forgive him and let this go. If you can't find peace, kicking his arse out of your life is always an option. YOU deserve peace and happiness and don't you ever forget that. Don't let people around you suck that out of you.