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How much time are you alone with your friend's husband? 


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How much time are you alone with your friend's husband? For me, 0 times in my lifetime, but. . .

A married woman friend of mine continued to text my husband for "help" after I explicitly told her not to simply because she is flirty and she doesn't need 24 hour private access to my husband. 

In addition, when she "needed" his in-person assistance in her home, it was always when I was at work and her husband was at work and while the kids were in school. This went on for years behind my back. I also don't know why she needed my husband's help when she has a capable husband of her own.

My husband thought he was doing nothing wrong as she was my friend. I believe him...

but she knew what she was doing. She was luring him over, in private, to see what he would do alone with her. She's cheated on her husband before. She's angry with me for questioning her continuance of texting him and her home-visit timing. She's insulted I am suspicious. Isn't this crossing a line? Just because we are friends, am I to share my husband with her, no questions asked?

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, beehiveabc said:

This went on for years behind my back.

My husband thought he was doing nothing wrong as she was my friend. I believe him...

She's insulted I am suspicious.

It seems like you know the problem is your husband and the attention he is getting/craving. This has nothing to do with her.

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Why is she your friend?

She is a cheater and this a liar. Also she has no boundaries.   Not very good friend material...

She clearly likes the attention and the challenge of trying to bed your husband.

It is long past time to fade away from this "friend"

Lost

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1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

Why is she your friend?

She is a cheater and this a liar. Also she has no boundaries.   Not very good friend material...

She clearly likes the attention and the challenge of trying to bed your husband.

It is long past time to fade away from this "friend"

Lost

Do we know for sure the husband is cheating with this woman?  It didnt specifically say that in the OP.  Men and women can be friends without having sex with each other.  I had men friends and my husband was ok with it because he trusted me and our friend.  

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Posted (edited)

All I can ask, OP, is WHY are you friends with this woman?  It doesn't make sense. 

I agree with Lost.

There are very poor boundaries here on all sides. 

What's so great about having a "friend" like this? I am puzzled. 

Edited by LaHermes
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Has nothing to do with having platonic friends who are opposite gender and married.  I've had countless meals and hang outs over the years with men who I am just friends with and are married/partnered.  No biggie.  The problem is even if she is friends with your husband -which is fine - she's behaving inappropriately by asking him to come over to her home to help her to the extent she is.  One or two times in a real emergency?  Fine.  As a regular thing no.  But the overarching issue is do you trust your husband?

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3 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Do we know for sure the husband is cheating with this woman?  It didnt specifically say that in the OP.  Men and women can be friends without having sex with each other.  I had men friends and my husband was ok with it because he trusted me and our friend.  

The OP stated her friend had cheated in the past, I wasn't implying her husband cheated and she stated her husband said nothing happened and she believes him. 

  This seems to be a territory thing and boundaries.

Lost

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Yeah, that's odd 😕 .

I would not  accept this behaviour - from either.

As mentioned, respectful boundaries.

Why is your husband doing that at all?  Did you talk with him about all of this? As to why he's even over there, when she's got a capable husband of her own?

Is not his problem if her husband is lazy etc.

She's got no respect, I'd avoid her and he should respect YOU more and your own relationship.  I hope he get's it.

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Thank you, everyone.

My husband says it was innocent. I believe him, but I don't believe she viewed it as innocent.

I say as a married woman, you know what you are doing contacting another woman's husband and having him over. . . routinely. . .and never, ever mentioning it to the wife.

I just wanted confirmation that I am not unreasonable in my disgust towards her. 

 

 

 

 

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29 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

WHY are you friends with this woman?  It doesn't make sense. 

I am asking again. Why?  Makes no sense to me. 

 

2 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I am not unreasonable in my disgust towards her. 

 

Do you intend to continue with this "friendship". 

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14 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

Thank you, everyone.

My husband says it was innocent. I believe him, but I don't believe she viewed it as innocent.

I say as a married woman, you know what you are doing contacting another woman's husband and having him over. . . routinely. . .and never, ever mentioning it to the wife.

I just wanted confirmation that I am not unreasonable in my disgust towards her. 

 

 

I wouldn't like it either.  It's kind of obvious she is behaving inappropriately.  Ask yourself why you need confirmation so badly.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

@LaHermes  NO! No, we are NOT friends because of this. My husband no longer talks to her either and he's fine with it.

@Batya33I want confirmation because I know she's a friendly, easy-going type woman, men love her, she's casual, funny, flaky. . . Am I supposed to chalk it up as my friend needing help and my husband was her go-to? My husband insists nothing happened and I believe him, but my gut doesn't trust her intentions.

I feel like she went through great lengths to hide this from me. It was years. My husband says there was no conspiracy. I believe, in her eyes, there was.

The million dollar question:  Am I supposed to accept it as her personality or am I right to believe she was after him?

Thanks!

Edited by beehiveabc
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37 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

husband and having him over. . . routinely. . .and never, ever mentioning it to the wife.

Why are you confronting her when your husband is the problem?

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Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

I haven't spoken to her in months.

Excellent. Remember it's your husband slinking over to her place, not the other way around.

 It's just easier to hate/blame her because you want your marriage to look/be a certain way... but deep down you know it's not.

Edited by Wiseman2
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36 minutes ago, beehiveabc said:

Am I supposed to accept it as her personality or am I right to believe she was after him?

You don't have to accept anything, OP.  Her personality is beside the point as are her intentions..  Why be "friends" with such a flaky individual in the first instance. 

Just be more careful about who you let into your circle, and/or in your door.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, beehiveabc said:

@LaHermes  NO! No, we are NOT friends because of this. My husband no longer talks to her either and he's fine with it.

@Batya33I want confirmation because I know she's a friendly, easy-going type woman, men love her, she's casual, funny, flaky. . . Am I supposed to chalk it up as my friend needing help and my husband was her go-to? My husband insists nothing happened and I believe him, but my gut doesn't trust her intentions.

I feel like she went through great lengths to hide this from me. It was years. My husband says there was no conspiracy. I believe, in her eyes, there was.

The million dollar question:  Am I supposed to accept it as her personality or am I right to believe she was after him?

Thanks!

Why do you need to be right ?  It’s a matter of opinion.  And it’s moot. You’re not friends anymore and he’s not dealing with her anymore plus you trust him.  We don’t always get to be right. We do get to make peace with ourselves that it’s ok to feel a certain way or have a certain opinion and not everyone will agree with you.  Are you jealous of her ? You know she’s never going to “confess “.  It’s like the old saying “god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ….”

Edited by Batya33
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3 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

when she "needed" his in-person assistance in her home, it was always when I was at work and her husband was at work and while the kids were in school. This went on for years behind my back.

 

3 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

My husband thought he was doing nothing wrong

Calling BS on your husband's oblivious act. 

He knew this wasn't right. It would not have a been years-long secret if he really thought it was all so innocent. 

So while your disgust with her is understandable, you are sweeping your husband's role in this under the rug. He was sneaky and was very much part of the problem. I know it's not what you want to hear, but this woman would not have been able to casue issues without your husband's participation. He hid this from you, too. Not just her. 

In short? You need to get real with yourself about his behaviour here as well. 

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Calling BS on your husband's oblivious act. 

He knew this wasn't right. It would not have a been years-long secret if he really thought it was all so innocent. 

So while your disgust with her is understandable, you are sweeping your husband's role in this under the rug. He was sneaky and was very much part of the problem. I know it's not what you want to hear, but this woman would not have been able to casue issues without your husband's participation. He hid this from you, too. Not just her. 

In short? You need to get real with yourself about his behaviour here as well. 

^ This.  All of the above were exactly my immediate thoughts too.  Of course he's never going to admit there was anything going on.  He was having his cake and eating it too .... behind your back for years.

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Posted (edited)

I hear exactly what you are all saying. Believe me, I was furious with him for a very long time and we are working on saving our marriage. We're in counseling. His story has never waivered. We've been to different counselors and they all believe him. My family believes him. . . He says she kept asking him for his help. It was easiest for him to help her and be done with it, not tell me, and hope she goes away. He didn't want to upset me. He is a good guy and he'd never say no to someone who needed his help. I was well aware that he helped her in the past and was fine with it. I put a stop to it when she admitted she had cheated on her husband. I thought her friendship with my husband ended, but it didn't apparently.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for this woman for having a lazy husband, knowing in my heart my husband isn't a cheat, and chalking it up to her being a needy dingbat which she is. And I believe my husband there was nothing going on.

Yes, I am very angry with him regardless as he lied to me for years.

He says she was never sexual or flirty with him so I question myself for being angry at her, too. I am angry at him for sure. The trust in our marriage is forever tainted.

I ask myself did she deliberately deceive me? SHE WAS THE INITIATOR OF ALL OF THE CONTACT WITH HIM. Some days I 100% say YES. She and I talked ALL the time and my husband never came up in conversation. She only needed him when they were both home alone. She continued to text him when I specifically told her to stop.

Then I think maybe I am overreacting. . .but then I feel stabbed in the back and betrayed and I have every RIGHT to hate her guts as I would know having HER husband over (or ANY man) repeatedly and texting other men is wrong. She disrespected me and my marriage, and I am MAD at my husband. . .

I can't help but feel she was stringing him along, curious if he's make a move on her in the privacy of her home. That's the type of woman she is. . .but then she was my friend. I am confused.

Edited by beehiveabc
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You’re assuming she has a lazy husband. And that your husband doesn’t say no to anyone.  So if a woman said she was lonely and wanted him to take her on a date he wouldn’t be able to say no?  She could have hired a handyman. That’s what they do if the person can’t do it herself. His excuse makes zero sense. One time sure.  Go over there fix the lightbulb leave and one and done. After that it’s bizarre. 

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7 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

Then I think maybe I am overreacting. . .but then I feel stabbed in the back and betrayed and I have every RIGHT to hate her guts

You have a right to feel however you feel, OP. 

I don't really get what having a bunch of internet strangers validate that feeling does for you, though. And I mean that sincerely. She is not in your life anymore. What difference does it make it make if we agree that you have a right to hate her? It's not like you're going to present her with a list of all the posters here who agree that she sucks, right? 

My sense is that this anger is still boiling away because your gut is feeling is that your husband is not being honest with you about all of this, and you don't want to listen to those doubts. So you project more of your pain onto her rather than him and get all pissed off at her when he's just as bad.  You feel sorry for her for having a lazy husband, but maybe her husband feels sorry for you for having a sneaky one. 

I don't think he's anywhere near as innocent as you want to believe and I think that's where your real hurt is. Not her betrayal, but his, and the battle in your mind against wanting desperately to believe him but at the same time not really buying his story. I am not saying he was necessarily cheating with her, but I don't believe he didn't know this was shady. Of course he did. He's some naive bumpkin. 

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9 hours ago, beehiveabc said:

 we are working on saving our marriage. We're in counseling. 

Exactly. The issue is your husband, his wandering eye and your unhappy marriage.

It has nothing to do with the friend. The extreme cattiness, jealousy and hatred you feel are displaced.

You're afraid to leave a horrible marriage so you're obsessing on this outside imaginary enemy.

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Posted (edited)

No, it's not like that at all. 

Deep inside, I feel sorry for this woman because she is in a bad financial situation and I know her husband doesn't help her, but I know she's cheated on him. There was a time my husband openly texted and helped her and I was fine with it, but then she cheated on her husband so then her texting to my husband and her home visit requests made me uncomfortable hence I asked it to stop and I thought it did but I was wrong.

So you all agree this whole situation was wrong behind my back? It's not okay for you husband and friend to be together without you knowing?

She was once my friend. I am looking for mental closure on our ENDED friendship. That is why I am on here. Do you agree that her continuance with him WAS WRONG even if it was "innocent" as my husband said?

YES ~ my husband was 100% wrong, but if this happened to you with your friend, you would not sweep her actions under the rug, either. You'd want to process it and understand it. That's why I am on here. I can't discuss it with people that know us.

Thank you!  🙂 

I keep doubting myself asking if it was really that big of a deal, but then I think it was because if it was innocent, I would have known. It was hidden for a reason but my husband said the reason was for this reason ~ I'd be suspicious.

 

 

 

Edited by beehiveabc
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