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Wife gets mad when I relax...


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I've been married to a woman I love since 2017. We have two daughters, which take a lot out of both of us, but we try to help each other as much as possible.

Well, the other day, our daughters both went down for a long nap and we finally had some time to do what we wanted. I chose to play one game of cards online while she was messing about on her phone. She finished with her phone and took a 15 minute nap herself. After that, she got up to be productive and do the dishes. My game of cards was still going.

I know I had things to do, but I always have things to do, but am almost always unable to do said things because of the kids. Also, I am unable to relax and have no free time.

The problem is my wife got really upset that I was "still just playing a game" instead of getting things done and being productive. But, I need relaxation time and quiet time comes once in a blue moon, so I was trying to enjoy it.

Am I wrong in wanting to relax? The way she gets angry, it's like she wants me to feel guilty about not working hard all the time. It seems like she can be productive all the time and doesn't mind like 10 minutes of relaxation time a day. But, I am exhausted, burned out, and need more time to relax.

Is there anything I can do to make her understand how I feel? Anyone in a similar situation? Thanks.

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It's not that she "doesn't want you to relax", it's that she's growing resentful that you're not helping out more than you do.

If you want peace and sex, best to ditch the games and help her with stuff if she's working around the house.

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Maybe make a to do list for each day of the week and if everything on the list gets done, then you can have all the free time you want. Seeing it in writing, instead of everything being up in the air, might calm everyone. Make sure you're also regularly doing something pleasurable with your wife--a date night, exchanging foot and back rubs, etc., so that you're not just worker bees and parents.

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5 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

I need relaxation time and quiet time comes once in a blue moon, so I was trying to enjoy it.

Am I wrong in wanting to relax?

 

5 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

I am exhausted, burned out, and need more time to relax.

 

5 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

always have things to do, but am almost always unable to do said things because of the kids. Also, I am unable to relax and have no free time.

There seems to be a serious amount of overwhelm going on here. The advice Andrina gives is good. 

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Andrina has good advice.  Also, have you heard the line - happy wife happy life?  Maybe make a deal that you will play your game, or whatever, for X amount of time, then when the time is up you go do something necessary to keep the house running smoothly.

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Posted (edited)

This is a communication issue.  Also not all time is created equal. So you can’t just carve out a specific period of time - with rare exception - where you get to relax - unless you’ve agreed  to that in advance. Communicate even if it’s awkward or hard.  Ask her “if the kids are napping do you feel resentful  if you choose to clean up right then and I choose to chill for awhile ? “. I mean even if she does then you might say “I’m sorry you feel that way and I would think that’s a good time for me to chill for awhile. “. If you like. But talk calmly.  Figure out where the resentment is coming from. Know that not all time is created equal.  When my husband sleeps in them twenty minutes later spends 15 minutes in the bathroom (meaning also taking extra me time )that 15 minutes is annoying to me in a way it wouldn’t be at another  time.

When he randomly goes on a long phone call I can feel resentful because I cannot do that typically -I first have to check in to make sure it’s ok given our son being home   But if he checked first an hour phone call wouldn’t be a big deal at all   I can choose passive aggressive like disappearing like he does or I can tell him how I feel   Former is easier  and latter is harder but healthier for us   Does that make sense ?

 One more example. as soon as he sees me taking out garbage he stops whatever he is doing to put in trash can liners so I can return and have that done. That two minutes is appreciated. Sometimes that’s all it takes.  Have those conversations.  
 

Edited by Batya33
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7 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

Anyone in a similar situation?

Well, no, OP.

 There is far bigger and heavier stuff going on in life/the world than "it's your/my turn" to roll out the refuse container. 

Likewise doing the dishes.  Maybe just me but I cannot bear having someone hovering beside me if I am washing a few cups and plates. LOL. 

Why is this stuff such a big deal, I ask. 

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Well, no, OP.

 There is far bigger and heavier stuff going on in life/the world than "it's your/my turn" to roll out the refuse container. 

Likewise doing the dishes.  Maybe just me but I cannot bear having someone hovering beside me if I am washing a few cups and plates. LOL. 

Why is this stuff such a big deal, I ask. 

It becomes a big deal because of cumulative stuff and lack of communication -just my educated guess.  

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Yup, stuff needs to be done, sometimes.. I suppose she is feeling the pressures 😕 .

I feel, maybe you two do need to communicate better as mentioned & be respectful.  Not bite each other's heads off.

Yes, you are entitled to your 'time out' as is she.  I can understand how you two took that downtime.

You could maybe work things like this out, like ways to each have your own down time.. 

1) get things done then have a decent break. ( I can't stand when someone is constantly cleaning something- clean freaks) 😕 

Some ppl just don't know 'how' to relax.

2)  Knowing the kids nap, maybe she feel that needs to be productive, so jumps up to do stuff.  You are not 'as willing/able'. - so, I think, because she did, so do you.

- compromise...

Maybe even say to her, I WILL get to it, please leave me to it.

3)  Couples 'need' their time (together & apart).  eventually this stuff can add up- exhasaution, frustrations with each other.

Does she get out, alone?  Do you?..Do you two have a 'date night' maybe once a month or so?

Is great when a couple can manage, working together... less stress.

So, don't forget 'self care', this is part of it. - Get your sleep, get some air- take walks, etc.. Be active.. eat well.. and get some 'down time'.

Expectations do arise, when you have kids. ( I had 4 and for a good amt of years, it was just me).  I was all over, so much - I did hit exhaustion, eventually 😕 .

So, just takes some effort, and attempt to work things out, together... and do make sure you two spend some time together w/ out kids around and for sure, make sure you two have a little time apart.

 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I can't stand when someone is constantly cleaning something- clean freaks

Yeh. That type of thing would drive me over the edge. LOL.

And this is a sensible approach SS. 

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You could maybe work things like this out, like ways to each have your own down time.. 

 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

The problem is my wife got really upset that I was "still just playing a game" instead of getting things done and being productive.

No one ever told you that helping her wash dishes, run errands, etc. is foreplay? You need to wake up.

Getting to the point of lists, nagging, etc. is when you can assume she'll generally be "too tired" for sex. Get off the couch.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Yeh. That type of thing would drive me over the edge. LOL.

And this is a sensible approach SS. 

Right! I know a cpl people like this... and it gets to be too much. A friend and my sister.. Place was always spotless. Like leave it alone, eh?  lol. ( Is not some type of 'norm'..and then to react at other's like they are messy or... omg, your cup dripped! 😮 ).

Is called 'lived in'.  To be pestering people because they made a spot, is not normal 😕 .

Am not saying his wifey's like this... I hope not, lol.  But, it happens.

Both are probably just tired & stressed.

 

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I guess I am the only person not understanding what it is you did wrong. You said you are both always on the go. Rarely do you get free time, and this was during a nap. I assume when your kids get up you take care of them and do things around the house. In my experience I can do dishes while my kids are awake?

Everyone needs me time. If this was your hour of alone time for the week, I don’t get what the problem is. By the sounds of it, you aren’t going out with your buddies to bars, you work and take care of your kids, you just want an hour out of the entire week to play a card game? Seems reasonable as hell to me. 

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Posted (edited)

So, OP, you are (I take it) still in Japan. I am reading some of your thread from late 2019. 

"If the dishes are left dirty in the sink when my wife gets up, she will be furious. If that keeps happening, it would not be at all good for our relationship."

You remarked back then that you had no family (I mean her family) close to you who might help our now and then. You added that there was no room in your small apartment for a dishwasher. 

You also mentioned hoping to return to the U.S.A. 

Gaming was also mentioned then.

And this a year earlier:

"Everything was going great, until we had our daughter.

I always hear other dad's saying they fell in love with their children the minute they saw them. And, even with all the difficulties of raising a child, their hearts are filled with joy from having a child. I don't know why, but I didn't feel any different when my baby girl was born, and I still feel no different a year later."

And you said (then):

"What's also nerve-racking is that my wife wants to have a second baby, since she thinks having an only child won't be so good for the kid. I'm ok with having another one, but that just means it'll take a few more years before I can do anything again. Ugh."

I understand you have MS, OP. And said then that you had not had a scan in years. 

Edited by LaHermes
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I remember your previous posts. You've expressed being burned out for quite a while now, even before baby #2. 

Has your wife gone back to work yet? Are you done growing your family now? 

Do you ever give each other breaks where you take turns giving the other me time that isn't open to criticism?

 

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Posted (edited)

OP. Since you mentioned this some time back, have you actually been looking after your health? Had a check-up recently as regards your MS?  

MS can cause tiredness.

You mentioned some dental problems too. The health of our teeth is important for the rest of our health.

Reinvent said this to you back then:

"MS is a neurological issue and arousal begins in the central nervous system. MS can impair sexual functioning."

Edited by LaHermes
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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

So, OP, you are (I take it) still in Japan. I am reading some of your thread from late 2019. 

"If the dishes are left dirty in the sink when my wife gets up, she will be furious. If that keeps happening, it would not be at all good for our relationship."

You remarked back then that you had no family (I mean her family) close to you who might help our now and then. You added that there was no room in your small apartment for a dishwasher. 

You also mentioned hoping to return to the U.S.A. 

Gaming was also mentioned then.

And this a year earlier:

"Everything was going great, until we had our daughter.

I always hear other dad's saying they fell in love with their children the minute they saw them. And, even with all the difficulties of raising a child, their hearts are filled with joy from having a child. I don't know why, but I didn't feel any different when my baby girl was born, and I still feel no different a year later."

And you said (then):

"What's also nerve-racking is that my wife wants to have a second baby, since she thinks having an only child won't be so good for the kid. I'm ok with having another one, but that just means it'll take a few more years before I can do anything again. Ugh."

I understand you have MS, OP. And said then that you had not had a scan in years. 

Well this brings more context. 

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I shouldn't have mentioned the dishes. It just so happened that she went to clean some dishes, but that is mostly irrelevant to what I was trying to say.

There were only a few dishes, and we'd usually keep them until later, when I would usually do them with all the others.

That is not the point. 😋 I was saying that my wife feels that spending time relaxing or doing things that are not productive is just wasting time that could be used moving and getting stuff done. She will even make up stuff to do, if there is nothing to do (like "maybe we should move all these books from here to over there and sort them by color" or something like that).

Relaxation is important for my mental health, but my wife seems to be content with like 15 minutes of relaxation a day; she'll do some yoga or something and then go right back to work.

It probably has to do with how she was raised, but it's very difficult to me sometimes.

Also, my previous posts aren't really important to this topic as well, especially when taken second hand and out of context. It's a bit annoying that a simple question like "does anyone else experience this?" becomes a "look at this ***. Here's something he said before" and the original topic is ignored. 😋

Thank you to those that legitimately tried to help. I don't have time to write everyone individually.

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Is this a cultural thing?

Are you from different cultures? Some women in certain cultures don't relax they just do a little less as relaxation.

Compromise isn't all that bad. She could lighten up a little and you could help out a little more. Even better get the dishes done while she is napping and then play video cards.  When she wakes up you will have taken the wind out of her sails because you beat her to the punch.

  Lost

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8 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

Relaxation is important for my mental health, but my wife seems to be content with like 15 minutes of relaxation a day; she'll do some yoga or something and then go right back to work.

In my opinion, she sounds like she probably has anxiety and is one of those women who, "can't," relax.  Then she sees her husband relaxing and it makes her (unreasonably) angry at you for relaxing when she literally doesn't allow herself to.  It's very controlling, micromanaging and disrespectful to you as a person.

If you can figure out a way to tell her that, stand up for yourself in a polite way, ask her to respect your time you need alone, that would be helpful.  Allowing her to control you and micromanage your off time is bad for your health.

.... And no we don't experience this.  Yesterday my husband and I both relaxed basically all day, doing chores off and on, but neither of us feels the need or drive to control the other and harass them when they're relaxing.  And he relaxes for hours doing his own thing, yet we're both peaceful and the kids are happy ❤️ 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Mr.Mister said:

That is not the point. 😋 I was saying that my wife feels that spending time relaxing or doing things that are not productive is just wasting time that could be used moving and getting stuff done. She will even make up stuff to do, if there is nothing to do (like "maybe we should move all these books from here to over there and sort them by color" or something like that).

Communication.  I am type A married to type B.  I'm more like your wife.  Tell your wife in a mature adult communicative way that you are different people -she "relaxes" by getting stuff done and you need down time such as (give examples).  That way you feel reenergized to help more later.  Also tell her it's awesome for the kids to see you taking downtime at times.  I sat on the couch yesterday for a half hour with a good book. My phone was nearby but I was reading.  I love reading.  Fiction and sometimes non-fiction but not work-related or "self help" related.  Nothing "productive" but "productive" for me.  My son sees that happening.  Meanwhile we had classical music playing too.  Not "productive" - it's relaxing.  My child saw me sitting and doing something for myself while classical music played. Ironically my dad used to do the same thing certain evenings. No TV -classical music and we read books.  In the 1970s lol.  Tell her it's ok to be two different people and no you're not going to be like her and run around doing projects. If that is what she wants to do that's cool.  And at the same time you will help as always with the daily chores etc as before.

 

Edited to add. I read maritalbliss's excellent and insightful post after I wrote mine.  We seem to be on the same page -I totally agree with her and feel even better about sharing my opinion!

Edited by Batya33
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Right....

If I come in and see he's doing a hobby or relaxing and I really need help, I just simply ask 🤷‍♀️

and not in a demanding, or critical way, or a way in which he feels like I resent him doing his own stuff.  That's the adult thing to do... not getting mad and having an adult tantrum.

You can try to tell her to just simply ask you what she really needs done each day (from you) or in the course of a week or so, that way you can feel like you're helping.  But then she has to respect that if you've done the tasks she requested, she needs to back off and leave you alone, respect you as a separate person from her.

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