Asking Friend to Live with Him

[Juno456]

I (M26) am depressed and having bad thoughts. My friend (M26) is the only thing that has kept me alive over the last year. Background: he saved my life last summer and I have spent a significant amount of time with him lifting weights, gaming, etc. We talked to each other every single day through text from August 2020-April 2021.

 

in recent weeks we have grown more distant after I reacted poorly to some very bad news that I received earlier this month. The living situation in my house has become untenable and I am having bad thoughts again. Spending time with this friend is the only thing that give me solace and I desperately have been wanting if it is ok to move in with him on a semi-permanent basis. I want to offer to sleep on his basement or living room and spend more time at his house as I feel safe there. However, I don’t want to impose or put him on the spot. 

 

I need advice on what to say and how to say it. He’s married with a wife and I don’t want to put a strain on them. I would obviously pay rent, eat my own food, etc. and I would also leave the house whenever he wants me to. Essentially I want to spend most of my time at his house but switch between my other house as well  

 

Thanks for any advice 

[MissCanuck]

37 minutes ago, Juno456 said:

I need advice on what to say and how to say it. He’s married with a wife and I don’t want to put a strain on them.

I'm sorry Juno, but this would absolutely put a strain on them and it would absolutely be imposing on them. 

You can't expect him to put you up, nor to be your emotional lifeline. It's too much, and to be very honest, no married couple is likely to want a roommate - especially not on a semi-permanent basis. It's not a healthy way to manage your emotional state. Don't put him in the very awkward position of having to say no to you. 

You need to find an alternative. 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Juno456 said:

The living situation in my house has become untenable and I am having bad thoughts again.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, this will significantly strain your friendship. Check with other friends, family, house share options, rooms, apts., etc.

 If you have issues at home keep busy working one or two jobs, sports, clubs, groups, interests hobbies, etc. You need to stand on your own two feet. Couch surfing is going to strain whatever support you have left. 

 If you have other issues contact social services for housing options as well as help with food, employment assistance, and mental and medical health care. 

 If you are having 'bad thoughts' call a suicide hotline just to talk to someone as well as getting help steering you in the right direction.

[Batya33]

Agree with Wiseman in particular as far as available resources.  And completely agree that even asking is inappropriate.  Also it's so one sided as far as friendship -you're using him as a security blanket and you not only want to crash there you want to be around him/spend time with him in his own home and space and you are not stable right now.  It's far too big an ask IMO.  

I'm sorry you're struggling and I hope you get the help you need.

[Lambert]

I'm sorry but I have to agree with Miss Canuck and Wiseman2. The idea of asking them to move in is completely inappropriate. 

You cannot use another person, married or not, as a solution to your mental health issues.

Not only is that too much pressure on the other person and expecting way too much, it's not a long term solution.

You really need to work with a professional. Focus in your issues, how to manage them and ultimately feel more in control of yourself, so that you don't need anyone else in order to be OK. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Juno456 said:

in recent weeks we have grown more distant after I reacted poorly to some very bad news that I received earlier this month. The living situation in my house has become untenable and I am having bad thoughts again. Spending time with this friend is the only thing that give me solace and I desperately have been wanting if it is ok to move in with him on a semi-permanent basis. I want to offer to sleep on his basement or living room and spend more time at his house as I feel safe there. However, I don’t want to impose or put him on the spot. 

Is there a financial issue involved? What is the bad news? Why has the situation at your house become untenable?

You have to be more specific if you intend to propose (or impose) on someone like this. Your friend has to know the full scope of it before this is remotely feasible and also then, you should realize that this is not a long term solution. This solution may not be a solution either and drive you further into a depressed state. Someone's living room is not a home. Because other people may be doing it may not mean that it's right for you. It would be good to find a home of your own or start planning. Do some research around your area. The extra work will be worth it and you'll maintain your own privacy and confidence also while you get back on your feet.

It seems you've placed a lot of attachment on this friend and the nature of your relationship appears very heavily burdened already. I don't recommend proposing this idea as it's negative mentally and emotionally to you in the long term. 

 

[Tinydance]

Are you getting therapy? I'm sorry but it sounds like you're actually relying on your friend too much. I think you're really attached to him but a bit in an unhealthy way. You said things like "he saved my life". That's actually a bit too much pressure to put on someone, that they're the only person responsible for keeping you alive and for your happiness. He sounds like a really nice guy and good friend but even talking to him every day for like eight months doesn't sound exactly healthy. I have a few really close friends but I don't talk to them every day. I think you're making this one friend your whole world and relying on him too much.

Can you try to make more friends? Could you join some support groups for mental illness?

I don't think you should ask to move in with your friend and his wife. They're a married couple and they need their privacy. You would be imposing on them. Also it would make your unhealthy attachment to your friend worse. It's totally fine to have friends but it's not good to be too clingy to a friend and make that friend the only source of your happiness. Especially as your friend is actually married and as a husband, his wife should be his number one in his life.

If you want to move out, could you apply for an ad to live in a sharehouse?