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Having children. Really only want to hear from the ladies please.


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Posted (edited)
On 5/25/2021 at 12:16 PM, Batya33 said:

I’m not “just a mom”.  

And that's the greatest blessing every day when you live in a progressive country and as a woman, you don't have to limit yourself to just one or even two purposes in life. 

On 5/26/2021 at 6:26 AM, maritalbliss86 said:

I have to say... after picking up that toddler yesterday and cuddling him close, I would LOVE to have even more kids than our 4.  I think it's good we stopped and are done, but WOW, holding and cuddling babies/toddlers is just something so wonderful.

Its a wonderful feeling alright but I just don't get that fuzzy feeling to have one like some people would. I love to snuggle with my tiny human nieces and nephews too especially when we camp out. I give them kisses and hug them lots! I get asked all the time "Now do you want one? Aren't they precious?" I wish people would just understand not everyone want to have a baby just because they are so happy being around them. I am really one of those people who want to spend 1 hour with a cute kid and give them back to their parents. Then I hear "Oh when it's your baby, you will feel different." I wished people stop being presumptuous and not all women get that fuzzy feeling of wanting a baby. 

On 5/25/2021 at 7:22 PM, Fudgie said:

I was appalled to read that story here of the cousin who didn't have kids, only to have the dying relative grab their hand on their deathbed and tell them "I wish you had kids!" What a selfish, manipulative action, to jab someone like that over their personal lifestyle choices on the way out. P__s poor note to end one's life on, IMO. I feel badly for the cousin. 

I know people like this in my life who is like this dying relative. Instead of feeling bad for the ladies who want to have children, but can't, we feel bad for ladies who choose not to have children. Not sure if the cousin wanted to have kids or not, but still it is wrong of the dying person to say that.

Edited by LootieTootie
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3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Its a wonderful feeling alright but I just don't get that fuzzy feeling to have one like some people would. I love to snuggle with my tiny human nieces and nephews too especially when we camp out. I give them kisses and hug them lots! I get asked all the time "Now do you want one? Aren't they precious?" I wish people would just understand not everyone want to have a baby just because they are so happy being around them. I am really one of those people who want to spend 1 hour with a cute kid and give them back to their parents. Then I hear "Oh when it's your baby, you will feel different." I wished people stop being presumptuous and not all women get that fuzzy feeling of wanting a baby. 

My sister is a mom of four, grandmother of 4, one more on the way.  She always said she loved her own kids, always wanted kids, didn't connect with other peoples' kids just because she wanted her own -it depended on the child. I'm the same -I have to connect with a child -just the same as with a grownup - to want to be around the child.  I also dislike too much of a focus on what a child looks like or "how cute" as opposed to focusing on the child's personality//individuality (yes, even babies). It's one reason I can't stand when parents post multiple photos of their kids - tells me nothing about who they are as people.

 LOL I didn't just have fuzzy feelings - I had all sorts of feelings and thoughts about absolutely wanting to have a child and be a married mother.  

Your thoughts reminded me of a friend who claimed to want kids and one night she was at my apartment and my son was fussing in the playpen. I really had to pee and it was time to  take him out of the playpen where he typically was happy to be and play especially before bed.  So I just asked her to hold him on the couch while I ran to the restroom for - 3 minutes or so. 

First she said she was scared (no his head/neck did not need supporting) then I explained it would only be for a minute.  I put him next to her on the couch.  She wouldn't go near him and he almost fell off.  And she loved being around him, interacted when we went out to lunch, etc.  I had no clue why she couldn't help me out (but she also wanted me to leave him alone in the apartment when he was an infant so I could take the elevator to the lobby to meet her boyfriend - also sort of a disconnect I'd say).

Anyway, yes yes - you do you!  Try to ignore those silly presumptive comments.  I'll share that I never ever make them particularly since I was tortured with them when I was "still single".

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35 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I am really one of those people who want to spend 1 hour with a cute kid and give them back to their parents. 

I am like that, too. 

36 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Then I hear "Oh when it's your baby, you will feel different."

I actually believe that I would feel different if I had my own kids--and to me, that is yet another reason why I don't want to have kids!

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50 minutes ago, Anonmother said:

I think you would know if you did want one

Anon. I have news for you. 90% of people don't know what they want!  They think they know, but are often incapable of independent or critical thinking, and are operating on "remote" in line with "society" , trendy stuff and the latest sound bites. 

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Anon. I have news for you. 90% of people don't know what they want!  They think they know, but are often incapable of independent or critical thinking, and are operating on "remote" in line with "society" , trendy stuff and the latest sound bites. 

I know, I'm supposed to want to sit in a rocking chair and knit but I really want to get a van conversion and drive around the country eating local foods. I feel successful since my kids are off living their own lives, so I have a lot of "me" time before I become a grandma.

 

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Posted (edited)
On 5/26/2021 at 8:40 AM, Batya33 said:

I don't think a person has to slave away to be dedicated to a career.  (I hate that it's only "career woman" not "career man") - and some who slave away are actually not career women - they're not doing it for any reason other than the $ so to me that's not being focused on "career". 

That's a good point. And yes, I don't think that someone needs to be slaving away to be dedicated to their career. Sorry if I gave that impression. I am certainly dedicated to my career. However, I shy away from the "career woman" label simply because of the stigma that career women = slaving away, working crazy hours. Which is not me.

I guess the thing I've always kind of resented is this idea that when you're a woman, if you don't have kids, then it's assumed that you're probably super focused on your career or some other thing that "fills your time". If I worked a good amount of overtime like my coworkers (I don't, I decline), I could make 6 figures but I just don't want to. I've been asked by colleagues "wow if I were you, single/no kids, I'd be working x y z, have a second job, etc."  I kind of get the feeling that some of think I'm wasting time by not "filling" my time with stuff that they deam worthwhile...relationship/kids, working OT to make killer $$, etc. It's just a feeling I get, from some of the comments they make to me, etc. I mean, I don't really care much anymore because at the end of the day, I'm not going to give a f__k what Mrs. So-And-So BusyBody who I see only a couple times a week thinks about my awesome life. Who knows, maybe when she's run ragged from being "bizzy bizzy bizzy bizzy" all the time, maybe she wishes she were able to have more leisure time. 

Damn, I don't want to slave for anything. I work hard when I have to but I'm not killing myself over anything. In my mind, I get this one life. I just want to enjoy it as much as I can before it ends. And I'm finding that living my life as I do now has brought me closer to that goal than I have ever been in my life. 

Edited by Fudgie
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14 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I know people like this in my life who is like this dying relative. Instead of feeling bad for the ladies who want to have children, but can't, we feel bad for ladies who choose not to have children. Not sure if the cousin wanted to have kids or not, but still it is wrong of the dying person to say that.

Yep, and it's a waste of pity. I feel badly for people who BADLY want to be parents but can't make it happen. They are deserving of sympathy and help - not people like myself, I'm doing just fine. 

If I end up regretting it (highly doubtful, given that I'm in my 30s already) then I'll just have to cope with it like an adult. We all make choices in our lives, some are irreversible, and we have to live with the consequences. I feel badly for those who have not made such choices and want children so badly but cannot due to factors long out of their control. People like me, who have made the choice permanent and are resolute, well, I made my bed so to speak. 

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9 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

That's a good point. And yes, I don't think that someone needs to be slaving away to be dedicated to their career. Sorry if I gave that impression. I am certainly dedicated to my career. However, I shy away from the "career woman" label simply because of the stigma that career women = slaving away, working crazy hours. Which is not me.

I guess the thing I've always kind of resented is this idea that when you're a woman, if you don't have kids, then it's assumed that you're probably super focused on your career or some other thing that "fills your time". If I worked a good amount of overtime like my coworkers (I don't, I decline), I could make 6 figures but I just don't want to. I've been asked by colleagues "wow if I were you, single/no kids, I'd be working x y z, have a second job, etc."  I kind of get the feeling that some of think I'm wasting time by not "filling" my time with stuff that they deam worthwhile...relationship/kids, working OT to make killer $$, etc. It's just a feeling I get, from some of the comments they make to me, etc. I mean, I don't really care much anymore because at the end of the day, I'm not going to give a f__k what Mrs. So-And-So BusyBody who I see only a couple times a week thinks about my awesome life. Who knows, maybe when she's run ragged from being "bizzy bizzy bizzy bizzy" all the time, maybe she wishes she were able to have more leisure time. 

Damn, I don't want to slave for anything. I work hard when I have to but I'm not killing myself over anything. In my mind, I get this one life. I just want to enjoy it as much as I can before it ends. And I'm finding that living my life as I do now has brought me closer to that goal than I have ever been in my life. 

When people make comments like that, you can almost guarantee they are also making judgemental as hell comments to other parents. "if I only had one kid, I'd be Martha Stewart too". "if I made the money you did, I would never be tired". 

It's like yeah, well you aren't, so don't worry about it. 😂

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20 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

When people make comments like that, you can almost guarantee they are also making judgemental as hell comments to other parents. "if I only had one kid, I'd be Martha Stewart too". "if I made the money you did, I would never be tired". 

It's like yeah, well you aren't, so don't worry about it. 😂

Haha, totally. They definitely would be slinging dirty diapers in the infamous "Mommy Wars". BTW, it appalls me to see how some women treat each other when it comes to child-rearing, the judgements, etc. Makes me glad I opted out.

My favorite is when a coworker says to me "It must be nice being by yourself, having free time and sleep!" and I just smile and say "Yes, it's fantastic." 

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5 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

When people make comments like that, you can almost guarantee they are also making judgemental as hell comments to other parents. "if I only had one kid, I'd be Martha Stewart too". "if I made the money you did, I would never be tired". 

It's like yeah, well you aren't, so don't worry about it. 😂

When I was 40 and  trying to conceive with my boyfriend/future husband a high school friend who I'd stayed in touch with -married with kids -asked me how the crazy single life was going.  I would never ever make comparisons like that - you don't know what people really have going on in their lives so stay in your lane and hopefully that lane doesn't include ridiculous over the top crafts that you pass off as your kids' winter themed second grade school project.  Sorry Not Sorry.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/27/2021 at 3:09 PM, LaHermes said:

Anon. I have news for you. 90% of people don't know what they want!  They think they know, but are often incapable of independent or critical thinking, and are operating on "remote" in line with "society" , trendy stuff and the latest sound bites. 

I can attest to this. If you'd asked me 10 years ago if I planned to get married and have children, I would have said yes. Yet for 33 years, I hadn't taken a single step in that direction.

Then, in year 34, I got together with a guy who told me, "I don't want kids." I thought, "Sounds good to me." And that's when I realized that I never really wanted kids!

It took me 34 years to realize that about myself. Until then, I had assumed that I wanted to be married and have children because that's what I'd always been told that I wanted. It was a really weird thing to realize.

Edited by Jibralta
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