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I know I sound crazy but I need opinions on my “dilemma”


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5 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

I have a good job. The rents up here are insane. Maybe everywhere but they have increased drastically here. I do have a friend I could stay with but she has two kids too and her apartment is small. 
He does watch them for me, spend time with them, play games, take them outside, we equally make meals for them. That’s not an issue at all. 
I agree with all the work I need to do on my own. I haven’t been on my own in 18 years so it makes sense I don’t know what that’s like. And to be honest, it’s scary to me 

It's hard to start over but it's worth it. He doesn't sound like the right guy for you.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Total emotional abuse and very controlling. You actually don't seem happy. You don't sound happy in your posts, I can feel it. You seem in denial and are defending your boyfriend and blaming it on the delivery woman issue. She is not the issue at all, it's how your boyfriend actually treats you. You're just protecting the issue onto the woman.

I am not projecting anything on her, it’s the situation. I have no animosity towards this woman. I am clearly just insecure and this is a recent thing that has played on it. And I defend some things about him, because he isn’t all bad. Just like I know I have issues myself. But I am aware, even more so from posting here, that he is emotionally abusive. I am not trying to say he isn’t. And you are right, I’m obviously not happy. 

Edited by Bothered2021
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4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Why are you with this guy if he is making comments about your appearance.  That's horrible. 

Have you tried to make some personal change for you?  A healthier lifestyle will make you feel better and improve your self esteem.  It sounds like you have miserable for some while

 

Ditch this guy as he also contributes to your lack of self worth.   

I agree. I have tried to make some personal changes. First by getting involved with a psychiatrist and taking meds. I am waiting to be able to get in with a therapist. I have been googling things I can do to improve as well as reading some self help info. The therapist part will help me immensely. 
I have lost weight, not nearly as much as I would like but 20 pounds since the middle of January. I have put emphasis on me time and trying to open up to my best friend who is also going through the same thing but due to worse circumstances her ex has no choice but to stay out of her life. But I have seen her go from being totally lost without him to being much happier. So I know that I would survive. It’s just a scary leap 

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9 minutes ago, Bothered2021 said:

I agree. I have tried to make some personal changes. First by getting involved with a psychiatrist and taking meds. I am waiting to be able to get in with a therapist. I have been googling things I can do to improve as well as reading some self help info. The therapist part will help me immensely. 
I have lost weight, not nearly as much as I would like but 20 pounds since the middle of January. I have put emphasis on me time and trying to open up to my best friend who is also going through the same thing but due to worse circumstances her ex has no choice but to stay out of her life. But I have seen her go from being totally lost without him to being much happier. So I know that I would survive. It’s just a scary leap 

You're doing well. Losing the weight is a great effort and the fact you're on medication and trying to see  therapist is definitely a step in the right direction. I know you've said you have issues but you are trying to work on them. You are a Mum of three and no doubt that is hard when you also suffer from depression and anxiety. But having issues or being a bit overweight doesn't actually mean that you're not worthy of being with a nice guy who treats you really well. A lot of people suffer from mental health issues, it's quite common. That doesn't mean they should just put up with an abusive partner and say: "Oh well, at least they accept my mental health issues, so it's OK". Having depression and anxiety also means you need someone good and supportive who doesn't exacerbate your symptoms.

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

I agree. I have tried to make some personal changes. First by getting involved with a psychiatrist and taking meds. I am waiting to be able to get in with a therapist. I have been googling things I can do to improve as well as reading some self help info. The therapist part will help me immensely. 
I have lost weight, not nearly as much as I would like but 20 pounds since the middle of January. I have put emphasis on me time and trying to open up to my best friend who is also going through the same thing but due to worse circumstances her ex has no choice but to stay out of her life. But I have seen her go from being totally lost without him to being much happier. So I know that I would survive. It’s just a scary leap 

A big part of the weight loss should be your bf.   He is horrible for your mental and physical health.   After you do leave this jerk, be single for a long time.  A lot of healing and self reflection needs to be done, due to your choices in men. 

Of course you would survive.  You also need to realize that all of this has a horrible effect on your kids.  Very toxic environment.  Get them out of there!

Edited by Hollyj
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7 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

I agree. I have tried to make some personal changes. First by getting involved with a psychiatrist and taking meds. I am waiting to be able to get in with a therapist. I have been googling things I can do to improve as well as reading some self help info. The therapist part will help me immensely. 
I have lost weight, not nearly as much as I would like but 20 pounds since the middle of January. I have put emphasis on me time and trying to open up to my best friend who is also going through the same thing but due to worse circumstances her ex has no choice but to stay out of her life. But I have seen her go from being totally lost without him to being much happier. So I know that I would survive. It’s just a scary leap 

Wow very impressive!! You must feel so much better energy-wise and internally too.  

Be very specific with yourself (no need to share here) what me time looks like to you and be really flexible about that - because depending on moods, weather, whatever me time might look very different day to day even. 

For example, to me me time includes I have to do my daily outdoor workout (going back indoors when it's covid-safer), sitting with coffee for 5-10 minutes, reading a book after I clean up the kitchen at night, before I go to bed -around 20 minutes, talking to a friend (but with a disclaimer -i find sometimes I want to, sometimes not -this was very different pre-covid -covid has done a number on my "wants and needs" for sure, eating a meal alone without interruption (again 20 minutes but once I serve my son who is now home 24/7 because of the pandemic, I want uninterrupted time to eat at a reasonable pace and look at my phone or computer).  When it's safe  I want to go to a movie alone and there's one friend I can't wait to meet in person for lunch.

  It's ok if me time seems trivial or even selfish (like, I know I'm supposed to have and want family dinners where we talk together - um no thanks, but I do like my one on one reading/chatting time with my son before his bedtime, I do like taking him around when we travel and going on walks with him).  Don't get caught up in planning a spa day or mani-pedi or some woo woo treatment unless you truly want that.  If you do -go for it if possible but me time/self care actually can involve some even soul searching to figure out.  You've been giving so much as a mom for example you might not even know!

Good luck!!

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16 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

I mean I guess I always knew we sucked at communicating and that he acts disrespectful when he’s mad. I guess I am stupid and didn’t realize how bad the lack of communication and disrespect was. And how it all undermines everything in this “relationship”

There's nothing you've written that comes off as 'stupid'. 

While there's nothing you can do to control how your BF speaks to you or treats you, you DO own the power to consider why you stay with him. From there you can decide whether that serves your best interests.

You've done a terrific job in this thread of 'connecting the dots' to recognize that the pot girl is hardly the problem--she's a distraction from the larger problem.

You described yourself as leap-frogging from one relationship to the next with little time in between to teach yourself how to stabilize solo. But what if learning how to reach that place would build for you a better foundation from which to select a better and more deserving partner in the future?

Even if that future partner turns out to be the guy you're with now, maybe some time away from one another would give you both the opportunity to grow and reach your own private higher ground. From there, you'll have a whole new perspective on what is acceptable, desirable and healthy, and you'll be able to hold out for a partner that values RESPECT because you'll have learned first and foremost how to give that respect to Your Self.

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OK so now you know your reaction to this delivery girl is because your fear ending up on the street abandoned, nowhere to go. That feeling of hopelessness is what's scary. Time to push that aside and have a game plan. Your kid is 16. They are old enough to get a part time job to contribute, or pay for some of their expenses, babysit, take on family responsibilities, etc. You could approach your friend to move into a bigger place that would be more suitable, and with you two sharing rent would make it possible. Asking for a raise, work on getting a promotion, work extra hours, or work a part time job can increase family income. Doing house cleaning can earn you $25 an hour. 2-4 hours a week, that 50-100 tax free bucks in your pocket.

You have options...just have to be confident in yourself that you can make a different in your life, and go for it.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Wow very impressive!! You must feel so much better energy-wise and internally too.  

Be very specific with yourself (no need to share here) what me time looks like to you and be really flexible about that - because depending on moods, weather, whatever me time might look very different day to day even. 

For example, to me me time includes I have to do my daily outdoor workout (going back indoors when it's covid-safer), sitting with coffee for 5-10 minutes, reading a book after I clean up the kitchen at night, before I go to bed -around 20 minutes, talking to a friend (but with a disclaimer -i find sometimes I want to, sometimes not -this was very different pre-covid -covid has done a number on my "wants and needs" for sure, eating a meal alone without interruption (again 20 minutes but once I serve my son who is now home 24/7 because of the pandemic, I want uninterrupted time to eat at a reasonable pace and look at my phone or computer).  When it's safe  I want to go to a movie alone and there's one friend I can't wait to meet in person for lunch.

  It's ok if me time seems trivial or even selfish (like, I know I'm supposed to have and want family dinners where we talk together - um no thanks, but I do like my one on one reading/chatting time with my son before his bedtime, I do like taking him around when we travel and going on walks with him).  Don't get caught up in planning a spa day or mani-pedi or some woo woo treatment unless you truly want that.  If you do -go for it if possible but me time/self care actually can involve some even soul searching to figure out.  You've been giving so much as a mom for example you might not even know!

Good luck!!

Thanks for all your advice ♥️ 

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20 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

I have actually never experienced this type of behavior except as a kid in school. So it caught me off guard. Now I expect it. It still bothers me but I know it’s coming so it hurts less

This is a huge problem, in and of itself. 

You've become so used to this that you've normalized it and don't really even recognize how bad it is. The whole situation is sad, but at least your insecurity over this delivery woman sparked an important conversation within yourself about what is really going on in your relationship. 

She isn't the probem. 

Your crappy boyfriend is. 

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