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I know I sound crazy but I need opinions on my “dilemma”


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On 5/20/2021 at 9:39 PM, Bothered2021 said:

we don’t communicate well together.

This sounds like a far bigger issue than the pot drops.

When we are with a partner who makes us feel loved, we're more immune to insecure self talk.

So maybe this is a good prompter to consider why you're settling for a non-communicative relationship?

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Posted (edited)

ya this isn't about the female delivery person, this is a self esteem issue, and the fact your BF is contributing to it. Getting rid of the delivery girl or complaining about her isn't going to resolve this. She is not the problem. That is not where you start. Start taking a good look at your relationship. Ask yourself, when did this all start? what happened? Did he lose his job? Is it about being isolated because of Covid? Someone started talking to their ex? You suffer from depression? What made it so you two stopped talking? Things must have been good at one time. What changed?

Edited by smackie9
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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This sounds like a far bigger issue than the pot drops.

When we are with a partner who makes us feel loved, we're more immune to insecure self talk.

So maybe this is a good prompter to consider why you're settling for a non-communicative relationship?

I mean I guess I always knew we sucked at communicating and that he acts disrespectful when he’s mad. I guess I am stupid and didn’t realize how bad the lack of communication and disrespect was. And how it all undermines everything in this “relationship”

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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

ya this isn't about the female delivery person, this is a self esteem issue, and the fact your BF is contributing to it. Getting rid of the delivery girl or complaining about her isn't going to resolve this. She is not the problem. That is not where you start. Start taking a good look at your relationship. Ask yourself, when did this all start? what happened? Did he lose his job? Is it about being isolated because of Covid? Someone started talking to their ex? You suffer from depression? What made it so you two stopped talking? Things must have been good at one time. What changed?

Yeah I’m seeing that the issue is deeper. He didn’t lose his job, nobody talks to their ex except about kid stuff.Covid didn’t have an impact on it. 
I think we rushed into it. Had the honeymoon phase. I moved in with him 6 months later, (we have been together for 3.5 years). That’s when things changed. It’s his house, I get told to leave if he’s mad. I can’t move furniture around or buy it. I collect things, most are kept in a trunk because he doesn’t like the stuff I collect. Except I have a 4 tier shelf to display some stuff. Point is, he basically has an issue with who I am as a person which I didn’t realize somehow until I dug deep and reflected. I don’t do anything right, my accomplishments mean nothing to him. I’m not gonna keep going because I could go on for days. 
I guess I could answer your question about when it changed and why we stopped talking but I’d literally have to write a book

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20 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I personally wouldn't be with someone who makes nasty comments about my size or weight. I'm overweight myself but some guys had no problem with it. I still had some people into me being this size and they never said anything about my looks. If he doesn't like your size then he can date someone else. But to date someone and put them down for their appearance is UNACCEPTABLE.

Regarding the delivery woman or your boyfriend being around women in general. I think you really have to work on this because it's way too jealous and paranoid. If you have a boyfriend, he can't avoid being around women. Quite likely he would have some female colleagues or even friends. The fact that the delivery person is a woman literally doesn't mean anything. She's just doing her job and doing the delivery. What is your boyfriend meant to do, specifically request the dispensary that they don't send a woman? That would actually sound really sexist. And if he tells them it's because his girlfriend doesn't like it, that will sound pretty ridiculous.

I don’t think he did or does have a problem with my weight. He just realized I was really sensitive about it. And when we had an argument and he couldn’t get under my skin he resorted to that. Which got a reaction. So it’s a go to. 
And no, I wouldn’t want him to ask for them to only send a male. That would be embarrassing for both of us. And dramatic. Like I said, I don’t think I am anything out of a magazine but to me the woman isn’t attractive or even his type. She is a very nice woman, I did meet her once. So I feel bad that I keep saying that. So I’m not threatened by her appearance. I have realized with everyone’s advice it is deeper than that. It’s regarding my relationship issues. But I will say the two relationships I had before didn’t help and I brought all of that baggage with me. Without working on it 😞 

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23 hours ago, Debsterism said:

This problem is easily solved. Let me be blunt and tell you straight out - Get a new boyfriend. One who doesn't need to do drugs. One who doesn't talk to you like you have a tail and paws. This dude is stupid. You would be crazy to stay with him and continue to endure his crap. 

I mean I appreciate your advice. And although weed is technically a drug I don’t view it in a negative way. I have to take meds for mental illness so I guess technically I’m on drugs? 
but the other part I can see where you are coming from. And I have even said that he talks to me like I’m an animal or worse than an animal because he loves animals and would never treat them like he does me. I am far far far from perfect or even a good partner so I have my fair share of faults in the relationship. I guess we are just insanely toxic and even though I knew/know that I have an issue with letting go. I am 34 and have been in back to back relationships since I was 16. My first serious relation I was 16-23. Took a month to “reflect”. Hopped right into a relationship at 23 with an abusive man that lasted until I was 30. Took two months off and have been in this one from 30-now. And I should add I had my oldest child at 17. So I guess I never gave myself any time to grow mentally and emotionally from adolescence to becoming an adult. And I had issues as a teen with serious depression and self harm. But my parents didn’t believe in mental health issues so that went untreated until I was 24. Sorry for my life history. Just trying to connect some dots 

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On 5/20/2021 at 9:09 PM, CarolineAC said:

I think it's ok to feel bothered. You probably need to have a conversation about it. Talk about what specifically bothers you and why, even of the why isnt so clear. Also consider some things that may help you feel better, maybe ordering more at a time so she won't be over so often. Or agreeing to talk about what they talked about outside even if it was only for a couple of minutes. Even asking what he considers their relationship, friends, acquaintances, or maybe just a stranger who delivers things. Just be sure not to interrogate or unnecessarily accuse. He should be respectful of your feeling uncomfortable in this situation even if he doesn't 100% understand. If he doesn't understand, try to stay calm and explain how you are feeling and how his reaction is making you feel. 

I'm no expert, but I hope you can get this figured out.

I think everyone was extremely helpful on this thread even if some were trying to be snarky. I expected that. But I truly appreciate how, although you think I am overreacting, you validated that is ok for me to have feelings that are not “normal”. And some possible solutions if we communicated to try and work this out. The others opened my eyes to bigger issues. I just wanted to thank you for taking an approach that didn’t make me feel bad or judged and acknowledged that as a person, I can have uncomfortable feelings about things that others find silly ♥️ 

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On 5/21/2021 at 4:28 AM, Wiseman2 said:

 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Why does he need these deliveries? Is he homebound?

 Isn't this her job? What is being delivered?  You can pout and create drama but doesn't that have more to do with attention seeking?

It seems like you have a bad relationship and you're choosing this non-issue to fuss and pout about because you won't address whatever the real issues are.

What is the real issue?

Idk if I responded already. Anyway:

3.5 years

35

the deliveries are because the product is good and affordable and they only deliver. Not home bound 

yes it’s her job. My pouting is not for attention because I don’t pout in front of him or follow him around whining about it. I guess pout may have been the incorrect term. I just kind of shut down. I disengage. I am absolutely not looking for attention 

And I agree. I didn’t realize this is a much deeper problem 

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On 5/21/2021 at 9:55 AM, LaHermes said:

That is a very unpleasant trait, and most unkind. Stooping to the personal in an argument. 

 

Yeah. I have actually never experienced this type of behavior except as a kid in school. So it caught me off guard. Now I expect it. It still bothers me but I know it’s coming so it hurts less

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On 5/21/2021 at 11:03 AM, abitbroken said:

its such a shame that women can't be supportive of other women. She is just trying to do her job and make a living.  She is not coming in and hanging out - she is there for as long as a pizza delivery driver would be. 

Why not seek some counseling, or volunteer for something (pet rescue, something that helps children or seniors or housebound people who really need help) and you may start to feel good about yourself.

But you can always dump the guy who sits and smokes pot all day and is so lazy he has to have it delivered instead of actually going out and also puts you down. He doesn't exactly sound like a winner.

He can’t go it, they are strictly delivery. Most are up here. And he doesn’t smoke all day, he works a full time job. And, I am not knocking her for doing her job. It’s not like I see her and say “oh no the dumb *** or life ruiner is here” 😂 she’s actually very nice and I don’t think she is stepping on my toes. It just makes me uncomfortable. I’m not sitting around hoping she loses her job at all. 
I do have a psychiatrist but she obviously can’t help me in the therapy department. I am on a wait list for a therapist. I have invested in some self help books as of yesterday in relation to jealousy, anxiety, insecurity and how relationships impact it etc. I know books can’t really give me the support a therapist can. I have trouble opening up and find myself sugar coating things when I have talked to therapists in the past. Which isn’t helpful. This forum has been the most open and honest I have been when talking about my issues, which makes no sense why I can do it here but not face to face with a licensed therapist. 

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On 5/21/2021 at 11:23 AM, Lynda79 said:

Your feelings are valid, but instead of saying yes or no if you should feel bothered, I would ask yourself some hard questions. 1. Do you trust him? 2. Has he ever gave you reason to think he might look outside the relationship? Trust is 100% key in any relationship. If he's giving you reason, always ordering the same day around the same time, making sure he "looks good" for the delivery, etc then yeah I would feel bothered. Other than that, you may be overthinking it. 

No actual things that make me feel like he has cheated or lied about something serious. Just dumb things that we addressed and haven’t been an issue. I don’t think he needs to tell me everything he does like I’m the warden or whatever but I mention things to him. Like oh I did this today or I have to go pick this up. He rarely does that. Like he could say I have to order today or I did order and I would expect it instead of looking out the window and she’s just there. And no he doesn’t try to look good when she’s coming, and he doesn’t know who it will be anyway. 

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On 5/21/2021 at 11:54 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, he's abusive. You need to dump him. No matter how you feel, there's no reason to put up with verbal abuse.

 At 33 y/o you need to decide that, no matter how you feel about your fitness level, being with an abusive jerk will make matters worse.

You can fix the health, fitness and nutrition issues with appropriate healthcare and support from weight loss groups, fitness groups, etc.

 However you can not fix and abusive jerk.

Fair enough. I thought these things would stop. Because he wasn’t always like this. But clearly not 

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On 5/21/2021 at 12:55 PM, Rose Mosse said:

How feasible is it for you to live on your own and support your three kids on your own? Does he help with childcare or help look after them? You need so much more therapy and loving kindness being on your own and finding your independence again. Your marriage was so destructive to you and I can't imagine what your kids have been through also. 

The last thing you need is for you to constantly feel threatened and on-guard about a delivery person from a dispensary and ruminating thoughts that your partner is about to cheat on you or is cheating on you. You don't trust him because you don't trust and respect yourself either. The disease grows outwards and his verbal abuse adds to the toxic dynamic you both have. 

If you're not happy with him, make up your mind. Going back and forth like isn't good for you or your children. They are depending on you to be emotionally and mentally stable. 

I have a good job. The rents up here are insane. Maybe everywhere but they have increased drastically here. I do have a friend I could stay with but she has two kids too and her apartment is small. 
He does watch them for me, spend time with them, play games, take them outside, we equally make meals for them. That’s not an issue at all. 
I agree with all the work I need to do on my own. I haven’t been on my own in 18 years so it makes sense I don’t know what that’s like. And to be honest, it’s scary to me 

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On 5/21/2021 at 12:58 PM, DancingFool said:

Don't you think it would be a million times healthier for you to actually be single and work out those issues rather than in a relationship that's slightly less bad than the worst of the worst of abuse?

The problem with trying to control what you can't is that you are setting yourself up to fail and that does nothing to build your self confidence. Every time you fail, you just end up feeling worse and more out of control and weak and it's just a vicious cycle you are setting up for yourself.

The only person you control is yourself and your life. So when you choose to be single, live solo, achieve your personal goals by yourself, reach a place in life where you feel fulfilled and happy on your own - that's what builds confidence that you can do it, you are capable, you are not dependent on anyone. This also leads you to making healthier decisions about relationships. When you have a lot going for you and you've worked hard to get there, you won't be very open to some schmucky the clown messing it all up for you. You don't need him and you don't need his shaite.

Also, give yourself credit where credit is due - you left a violent abuser and that takes strength. Maybe this new guy is not the best choice of a relationship, but guess what - if you leave him, you'll be just fine. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It sounds like you need to build more on that, build your life up and deal with the ptsd from your past before you date or get involved with anyone. You can do this and you do deserve to give yourself a better quality life.

 

Thank you! You are right. I went from living with my parents to living with my first boyfriend. We both worked but I had that person to depend on. Then the same in the next two relationships. I have never been on my own so maybe that is why I am in the predicament I’m in

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You say you haven't been on your own but you are.  You're not in a real partnership with him.  Is he stoned when he watches your children? Are his drugs kept safely away from your children? Are they subjected to his second hand smoke? I would get them out of this situation including how demeaning he is to you -not good for them to be around. I know it's hard.  Good luck!!

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22 minutes ago, Bothered2021 said:

Thank you! You are right. I went from living with my parents to living with my first boyfriend. We both worked but I had that person to depend on. Then the same in the next two relationships. I have never been on my own so maybe that is why I am in the predicament I’m in

Well no -you're in the situation because you are choosing it and making all sorts of excuses like comparing pot to prescription meds.  I was never on my own till I was 28 and moved out of my parents' house -you make a choice and you implement.  It's not easy to implement but it's that simple.  You're not a passive bystander- you are in control of your choices.  

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23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You say you haven't been on your own but you are.  You're not in a real partnership with him.  Is he stoned when he watches your children? Are his drugs kept safely away from your children? Are they subjected to his second hand smoke? I would get them out of this situation including how demeaning he is to you -not good for them to be around. I know it's hard.  Good luck!!

Number one, no he isn’t stoned watching kids. My kids are 10,13 and 16 also. He smokes at night after work/before bed. Once again, it’s weed. I don’t smoke it, maybe twice a year if that. I don’t see it as something terrible. But yes, he actually locks it a small safe. And he smokes it outside just like he does cigarettes. He doesn’t smoke near me or the kids and never in the house even if we are not around 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no -you're in the situation because you are choosing it and making all sorts of excuses like comparing pot to prescription meds.  I was never on my own till I was 28 and moved out of my parents' house -you make a choice and you implement.  It's not easy to implement but it's that simple.  You're not a passive bystander- you are in control of your choices.  

I agree I can make the choice. I just think I need a lot of help/guidance because it is hard and I know I play a part in some issues. 
and I can compare the weed to prescription meds. There is no difference in mY opinion. My doctor has even mentioned writing a script for medical marijuana for ptsd/anxiety if I wanted instead of the meds. I don’t enjoy smoking so I passed on that. Marijuana has therapeutic aspects. It’s not like Coke or meth 

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1 hour ago, Bothered2021 said:

I agree I can make the choice. I just think I need a lot of help/guidance because it is hard and I know I play a part in some issues. 
and I can compare the weed to prescription meds. There is no difference in mY opinion. My doctor has even mentioned writing a script for medical marijuana for ptsd/anxiety if I wanted instead of the meds. I don’t enjoy smoking so I passed on that. Marijuana has therapeutic aspects. It’s not like Coke or meth 

The difference is you’re being supervised by a doctor.  He is self medicating.  With pot that easily could be laced with other stuff. Huge difference.  I disagree with your assessment in this situation and he seems to smoke regularly. Without medical prescription or supervision. 

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1 hour ago, Bothered2021 said:

I agree I can make the choice. I just think I need a lot of help/guidance because it is hard and I know I play a part in some issues. 
and I can compare the weed to prescription meds. There is no difference in mY opinion. My doctor has even mentioned writing a script for medical marijuana for ptsd/anxiety if I wanted instead of the meds. I don’t enjoy smoking so I passed on that. Marijuana has therapeutic aspects. It’s not like Coke or meth 

So what is your plan as far as getting help or guidance?  What step will you take tomorrow towards getting the help and guidance you say you need ?

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1 hour ago, Bothered2021 said:

Number one, no he isn’t stoned watching kids. My kids are 10,13 and 16 also. He smokes at night after work/before bed. Once again, it’s weed. I don’t smoke it, maybe twice a year if that. I don’t see it as something terrible. But yes, he actually locks it a small safe. And he smokes it outside just like he does cigarettes. He doesn’t smoke near me or the kids and never in the house even if we are not around 

Oh good.  Your kids are not adults and I’m glad he’s not stoned around them. I understand you have certain opinions about the risks of marijuana. 

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Posted (edited)

Why are you with this guy if he is making comments about your appearance.  That's horrible. 

Have you tried to make some personal change for you?  A healthier lifestyle will make you feel better and improve your self esteem.  It sounds like you have miserable for some while

 

Ditch this guy as he also contributes to your lack of self worth.   

Edited by Hollyj
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3 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

Yeah I’m seeing that the issue is deeper. He didn’t lose his job, nobody talks to their ex except about kid stuff.Covid didn’t have an impact on it. 
I think we rushed into it. Had the honeymoon phase. I moved in with him 6 months later, (we have been together for 3.5 years). That’s when things changed. It’s his house, I get told to leave if he’s mad. I can’t move furniture around or buy it. I collect things, most are kept in a trunk because he doesn’t like the stuff I collect. Except I have a 4 tier shelf to display some stuff. Point is, he basically has an issue with who I am as a person which I didn’t realize somehow until I dug deep and reflected. I don’t do anything right, my accomplishments mean nothing to him. I’m not gonna keep going because I could go on for days. 
I guess I could answer your question about when it changed and why we stopped talking but I’d literally have to write a book

What do you get out of this?  it sounds miserable.

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I think pot and all that aside, your boyfriend is actually emotionally abusive. You seem to be in denial about that and you're defending him. He puts your appearance down because he knows it hurts you. That's emotional abuse. I know you say you've been with an abusive guy before too and it caused some PTSD and other issues. But your boyfriend is actually making those insecurities worse.

Of course we can't help our feelings but the fact that you feel so uncomfortable about this delivery woman seems like a sign that you don't feel secure with your boyfriend. You're scared he's looking at other women and that's probably because you don't feel secure that he actually loves you and is loyal to you. Most of the time we actually have feelings and thoughts for some kind of reason. That's why therapists sometimes work with psychoanalysis, to explore someone's subconscious and what is actually hidden in there. 

It's probably not that bad for you to actually be single for once. I mean, you wouldn't be alone actually because you have your children with you. You have a family. Being in a relationship should be because your partner makes you happy and good. It's not just for the sake of being in a relationship so as not to be single.

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4 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

What do you get out of this?  it sounds miserable.

Total emotional abuse and very controlling. You actually don't seem happy. You don't sound happy in your posts, I can feel it. You seem in denial and are defending your boyfriend and blaming it on the delivery woman issue. She is not the issue at all, it's how your boyfriend actually treats you. You're just protecting the issue onto the woman.

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