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My boyfriend (19M) and I (19F) are now long distance due to going home for summer. We are used to not texting each other pretty much all day because we know we will see each other the next day in class, but now that we’re long distance, that isn’t working for me. I expressed to him that he needs to text me more or something because I get a text from him at 5pm and then we ft for a couple hours at night. I want to hear from him more in the day, so I told him that I would like him to text me in the morning. I do text first, A LOT, and if I don’t, I get the text at 5pm. Am I overrating? I don’t think I am because we are now long distance and I can’t just say “see you tomorrow,” it’s now, “see you in a couple weeks.” Whenever I have brought this up to him, he just brushes me off kind of or says that I’m saying he’s a bad boyfriend and not trying (which I’m not! I just want him to text me more! is that too much to ask ???) and says “so you want to text all day and then facetime for 5 hours at night?” and I’m like no, I never said that. But then, he says he’ll try harder. I feel like I shouldn’t be asking him to text me, I feel like it should be a given. If he wanted to text me, he would, so? He also says he’s really giving 100%, and I believe him, but his 100% cannot be the same as it was in school, things are different now. He also kind of has this high school relationship mindset where a relationship should come with no problems and if there are problems then he gets upset or doesn’t really want to hear it. I’ve told him that i’m not close to breaking up yet, not even close, but if this continues the whole damn summer, then it’ll be too hard....

So, Help! Please!

PS I don’t think he’s hiding anything from me or anything, I just wanna communicate with him more during the day. also i have some lowkey trust/abandonment issues because as a child i was abandoned then adopted so im going see someone about that lol but that is a factor i think

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So is texting just so you can keep tabs on him, feel reassured, check in?  I think you will push him away if you're obligating him to keep up that level of contact.  That's not healthy communication.  Don't you want him to talk to you when he feels like it? Not out of obligation? When my husband and I were long distance dating we spoke by phone every night around the same time for about 20-30 minutes give or take.  We exchanged emails during the day -a couple - just fun stuff usually - and we saw each other about every 11 days.  Why do you need to face time for hours every day?  I think you risk suffocating him and turning him off -let him be - giving 100% doesn't mean being in touch all the time. You're giving the impression that you need him as some sort of security blanket rather than actually being interested in what he has to say or having interesting things to share with him.  When you face time I bet a lot of the time you're doing your own thing, right?  

Give him space to explore his life where he is now, space to miss you, space to have more anecdotes and stories to share with you.  Space.  Space is communication -it's telling the person - I am setting you free- if you come back to me you're mine, if you don't you never were.  Don't set him free to date others -nor should you -but set him free to breathe, do his own thing. 

For example.  If my husband asked if he could come with me for my daily early morning outdoor workout (which he wouldn't -he'd never ever willingly get up at that hour) -I'd say no.  Why? Because that is my time.  It's only about 40 minutes but it's my time, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to accommodate anyone's different speed or where they'd like to walk/work out, etc. 

Another time of day? Sure.  But if he said "well you should want to be with me and give us 100% and why don't you want me to be by your side and work out with you?" I would look at him like he had two heads.  He loves me and he knows that is my time, he makes sacrifices so I can get that time, at times (because we have a child) - and none of that time involves being with him or communicating with him.  In fact it's the opposite.  Likewise when he goes on a business trip or out with a friend I do not text him unless it's a true emergency.  Ever.   It is his time, his time to be apart from me whether he's with coworkers, friends, alone.  I don't require him to check in with me or talk to me (other than if there's something going on with our child or something business related/time sensitive.)

Please don't make the mistake of thinking talking/typing nonstop makes you bond more, or closer or even will keep him loyal to you.  It may very well have the opposite effect.  
 

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15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So is texting just so you can keep tabs on him, feel reassured, check in?  I think you will push him away if you're obligating him to keep up that level of contact.  That's not healthy communication.  Don't you want him to talk to you when he feels like it? Not out of obligation? When my husband and I were long distance dating we spoke by phone every night around the same time for about 20-30 minutes give or take.  We exchanged emails during the day -a couple - just fun stuff usually - and we saw each other about every 11 days.  Why do you need to face time for hours every day?  I think you risk suffocating him and turning him off -let him be - giving 100% doesn't mean being in touch all the time. You're giving the impression that you need him as some sort of security blanket rather than actually being interested in what he has to say or having interesting things to share with him.  When you face time I bet a lot of the time you're doing your own thing, right?  

Give him space to explore his life where he is now, space to miss you, space to have more anecdotes and stories to share with you.  Space.  Space is communication -it's telling the person - I am setting you free- if you come back to me you're mine, if you don't you never were.  Don't set him free to date others -nor should you -but set him free to breathe, do his own thing. 

For example.  If my husband asked if he could come with me for my daily early morning outdoor workout (which he wouldn't -he'd never ever willingly get up at that hour) -I'd say no.  Why? Because that is my time.  It's only about 40 minutes but it's my time, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to accommodate anyone's different speed or where they'd like to walk/work out, etc. 

Another time of day? Sure.  But if he said "well you should want to be with me and give us 100% and why don't you want me to be by your side and work out with you?" I would look at him like he had two heads.  He loves me and he knows that is my time, he makes sacrifices so I can get that time, at times (because we have a child) - and none of that time involves being with him or communicating with him.  In fact it's the opposite.  Likewise when he goes on a business trip or out with a friend I do not text him unless it's a true emergency.  Ever.   It is his time, his time to be apart from me whether he's with coworkers, friends, alone.  I don't require him to check in with me or talk to me (other than if there's something going on with our child or something business related/time sensitive.)

Please don't make the mistake of thinking talking/typing nonstop makes you bond more, or closer or even will keep him loyal to you.  It may very well have the opposite effect.  
 

Texting is to stay in contact because we dont talk on the phone often. He likes to snapchat me once a day and then maybe text me around 5pm. i dont require him to facetime me at night, he calls me. 

i just want him to text me more because since he’s been home he’s barely talked to me. at first, i got it because he was reconnecting with friends and family, but now it’s been a couple of weeks and he doesn’t even have a job yet. 

i told him that if he doesnt wanna text me he doesnt have to, but it would be nice to hear from him sometime before noon on some days. And then since it’s become such a routine to call at night, i kind of expect it, but if he tells me he doesnt feel like it or if he wants to go to sleep, i completely understand and we say goodnight in text. 

i just let him know that i would like to hear more from him a little more on text since we’re so used to seeing each other every day, to now nothing, so a little more effort on both ends needs to happen- especially since our whole relationship is now reliant on a cell phone.

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I think if you keep pushing him to text more you will push him right out of your life.  Some people just aren't into day-long texting with someone, anyone, ever.

What if you change your 5pm text to a phone call, would that make you feel better?  I think you are out of line here, not him. 

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I think you should try harder to accept he will contact you at sometime through the day and it will NOT be all day or what you want.

It is an adjustment is all.

You are working on accepting you do not see each other every day anymore.

And is not like you will never see him or hear from again.

As long as there is some sort of communication, should be okay.

Do not drill him repeatedly or pressure him too much.  He needs to have a life outside your relationship as well - as do you!

So, calm down and let it be.  

And good, that you are looking into some help with dealing with your past.. for sure, do that.

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2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

I think if you keep pushing him to text more you will push him right out of your life.  Some people just aren't into day-long texting with someone, anyone, ever.

What if you change your 5pm text to a phone call, would that make you feel better?  I think you are out of line here, not him. 

I personally don’t think im out of line. there is adjusting to be done on both ends. i think my feelings are valid and im allowed to want to hear more from him. again, i never told him he HAS to text me all the time or call me every night, but it would be nice to hear from him sometimes during the day if he has time, rather than nothing at all. i told him if he doesnt have time like if he’s busy, then he obviously doesnt have to, or if he just doesnt feel like talking to me. but i do think i can request a little more effort since ive been receiving none. 

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5 hours ago, Purple Heart said:

I feel like I shouldn’t be asking him to text me, I feel like it should be a given. If he wanted to text me, he would, so? He also says he’s really giving 100%, and I believe him, but his 100% cannot be the same as it was in school, things are different now.

I know I'm stating the obvious here, but I think this may be a difference in communication preferences. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's important because it's not arguable or negotiable. It just is. 

Your ideal relationship includes a guy who is communicative without being prompted. You don't have that here.

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7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I know I'm stating the obvious here, but I think this may be a difference in communication preferences. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's important because it's not arguable or negotiable. It just is. 

Your ideal relationship includes a guy who is communicative without being prompted. You don't have that here.

His communication skills and mine are basically the same whenever we are back on campus and in school. I think that is because we see a lot of each other, especially since we have the same major. But, transitioning to fully communicating over the phone and being far from each other has been hard because, as you said, we have different communication preferences.

I don't think this is grounds for break-up, do you? I think this is just learning to adapt to each other's preferences and finding a common ground, and me understanding that he just doesn't text as much, which I am well-aware of. I guess I just thought things might change going to long distance, and they didn't.

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15 minutes ago, Purple Heart said:

They snapchat each other regularly with pictures and chat in the app. She has texted him a couple times, facetimed him once, and she has asked him to go over to her house once. 

Sorry this is happening. How far apart are you now?

It seems like you are trying to text tether him because at some level you know he's back home with his highschool GF.

Unfortunately the more you cling and complain the less attractive you become and the more attractive she looks to him.

Break things off. You're too insecure and jealous for distance.

Get busy with real life. Play sports. Get a summer job. Join some clubs and groups. Get together with your local friends.

Take some courses. Prep for next semester.

Obsessing about him all day and night is something you need to discuss with a trusted adult.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How far apart are you now?

It seems like you are trying to text tether him because at some level you know he's back home with his highschool GF.

Unfortunately the more you cling and complain the less attractive you become and the more attractive she looks to him.

Break things off. You're too insecure and jealous for distance.

Get busy with real life. Play sports. Get a summer job. Join some clubs and groups. Get together with your local friends.

Take some courses. Prep for next semester.

Obsessing about him all day and night is something you need to discuss with a trusted adult.

We are about 7 hours apart. I think, like you said, one of my main things is I need to get busy. I have two jobs this summer, but this week, I've been thinking about him a whole lot more than I had before because I had a surgery and had been bedridden up until just the other day. So, I am slowly starting to get back into my normal routine. He also is about to start a job, so I know he will be busy. I don't think this is grounds to break up on because I think there is a whole lot more trust than jealousy, which I not really expressing since it's kind of hard for me to express how much I trust this guy. I'm going to let it play out, especially since I'm going visit him in a little over a week. But, if it becomes too much, then I will have to break it off. Like I also said earlier, I do believe I have some underlying issues (not sadness or low-self esteem) that stem from childhood that have nothing to do with him and all with me, and I expressed my feelings with my mom today and I am going see someone who specializes in my particular situation. He is also fully aware of these "issues" and wants me to go see someone.

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3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Not in and of itself, but it's probably not going to get better. It will likely remain a point of contention. 

Do you think me just letting it all play out a little longer, especially after each of us get back into a normal routine (since I just had a surgery and have had A LOT- and maybe too much- me time), and seeing how things work is a good idea? Then, evaluating my happiness vs. "stress" later down the road and coming to a consensus at that time?

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I don't think it would hurt.... But check in with yourself frequently, and be honest with yourself in your evaluation of your happiness versus stress in this relationship. You do have to stay vigilant about these things. Unhappiness can creep up on you slowly, a little at a time, until one day you find yourself miserable and feeling trapped.

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think it would hurt.... But check in with yourself frequently, and be honest with yourself in your evaluation of your happiness versus stress in this relationship. You do have to stay vigilant about these things. Unhappiness can creep up on you slowly, a little at a time, until one day you find yourself miserable and feeling trapped.

Thank you so much! You have been a lot of help!

I will definitely take your advice. My happiness is the most important thing ❤️

 

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It's not that you're asking for too much - it's just that you and he have very different expectations regarding how frequently you communicate. 

Just as you can't make him want to text you more, he can't make you fine with not hearing from him until later in the day. 

Only you can decide if this is a deal-breaker. Be honest with yourself about where your limit is, but remember that trying to push someone to do something they're not intrinsically motivated to do (in this case, for him to reach out to you more) is likely to do more harm than good. That will breed resentment in both of you. There's always room for compromise, but if you've spoken to him about it and it's hasn't changed, then you're looking at who he truly is. This is where I would ask myself if we're really compatible long-term, and if it's the hill I'm ready to die on. 

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