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My Boyfriend Gave Me His Chain To Wear, But His Ex Also Wore It


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Posted (edited)

So, I (19F) started dating my boyfriend (19M) in January of this year. This is my first relationship and this is his third. He broke up with his most recent high school girlfriend due to distance and going in different directions for college, etc. (college stuff) in September 2020. Him and his girlfriend dated for a little over a year. 
I can’t stop thinking about his ex and I’m trying to stop. He’s even reassured me and I trust him, but it doesn’t help that they still kinda stay in contact and have the same friends lol :/.  However, whenever I was stalking his Instagram (which I know we all have done before!), I noticed a picture where she was wearing his chain when they were dating. This made me uncomfortable because it made me feel like it was a hand-me-down and kind of not as special. I expressed this to him and told him I appreciated it, but it made me feel weird. Am I overreacting or is that completely rational and normal? I feel naked without it now and I liked having something to help me remind of him since we are now long distance for summer. 
Also, since i’m planning on giving it back to him when I go visit in a couple weeks (unless someone on here tells me i should keep it), I want to put a charm or something on it with my name on it to remind him of me, but again, the ex have him something to put on his chain when they were together... is that me just being silly? Please help!!!

Edited by New at Love Girl
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1 hour ago, New at Love Girl said:

in January of this year. This is my first relationship and this is his third. He broke up with his most recent high school girlfriend due to distance and going in different directions for college, etc. (college stuff) in September 2020. Him and his girlfriend dated for a little over a year. 
I can’t stop thinking about his ex and I’m trying to stop. He’s even reassured me and I trust him, but it doesn’t help that they still kinda stay in contact and have the same friends

Okay, so a little over a year.. they were together.

He's on his 3rd and this is your first....

You two are both young, and just learning about relationships. ( Not sure I approve of his track record).

So, they split and you came along, so now he is with you... ( 4 mos after they split up).

Why do you have her necklace?

IMO, I don't know why he'd be giving some gal whom he's just started dating, a necklace?

Maybe if after a year - like to celebrate a one yr anniversary?  But it just being 4 months? 

 

1 hour ago, New at Love Girl said:

This made me uncomfortable because it made me feel like it was a hand-me-down and kind of not as special.

I guess it is supposed to be 'special' for you... but if this is how he rolls? 😕  - Is not so sentimental.

How about YOU start avoiding stuff like people's instragram?  Then you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

As for them being 'kinda friends still', they are in the same friends group, I guess not much can be done there?

Do they talk when just hanging out? or anytime (eg via phone?).

 

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44 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so a little over a year.. they were together.

He's on his 3rd and this is your first....

You two are both young, and just learning about relationships. ( Not sure I approve of his track record).

So, they split and you came along, so now he is with you... ( 4 mos after they split up).

Why do you have her necklace?

IMO, I don't know why he'd be giving some gal whom he's just started dating, a necklace?

Maybe if after a year - like to celebrate a one yr anniversary?  But it just being 4 months? 

 

I guess it is supposed to be 'special' for you... but if this is how he rolls? 😕  - Is not so sentimental.

How about YOU start avoiding stuff like people's instragram?  Then you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

As for them being 'kinda friends still', they are in the same friends group, I guess not much can be done there?

Do they talk when just hanging out? or anytime (eg via phone?).

 

We were friends the whole 4 months without talking at all, and then we realized we liked each other so. His track record isn’t too bad I don’t think.

So, he didn’t give me her necklace, he gave me his chain. He got his chain back, im assuming, not too long after he gave it to her. So he gave it to me because i was going through some stuff and we were talking about summer so he gave it to me so he’d always be with me.

Yeah im trying to get off social media and im reading things to help reassure myself and get me to stop thinking about her.

They still have a snapchat streak and she sometimes comments on his snapchat stories and she still likes his insta posts (which i don’t care about). 

A good thing he did was ask me if id be okay if they ended up hanging out (in a group setting) this summer since they do have the same group of friends.

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Your level of maturity is showing.  You have a long way to go and you are placing too much importance on things like a chain and his lack of texting as you said in your other post.  If you are that insecure perhaps you are not ready for the dating world if you get so upset.

If the chain bothers you that much, give it back.  

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

Your level of maturity is showing.  You have a long way to go and you are placing too much importance on things like a chain and his lack of texting as you said in your other post.  If you are that insecure perhaps you are not ready for the dating world if you get so upset.

If the chain bothers you that much, give it back.  

i dont think me feeling uncomfortable about wearing something his ex wore is grounds for saying my maturity is showing. im sure anyone would feel that way, whether it be someone 19 or 40. 

imagine your current s.o. was engaged to their then s.o. and gave them a ring, but then they broke up and they got the ring back. then fast forward, you are now engaged to your s.o. and he gives you that same ring... not so special now. would you say that person is being immature for not wanting that ring? sure this example is on a higher scale, but the feelings involved remain relatively the same.

my thoughts on the chain and him texting me are not based on insecurity, they’re based on feelings and communication. 

Edited by Purple Heart
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6 hours ago, Purple Heart said:

I noticed a picture where she was wearing his chain when they were dating. This made me uncomfortable because it made me feel like it was a hand-me-down and kind of not as special. I expressed this to him and told him I appreciated it, but it made me feel weird. Am I overreacting or is that completely rational and normal?

I get how it makes the necklace feel like a bit of a dog collar. But I also think that you have to rent less space in your head to his ex... Are they still in touch a lot?

 

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I get how it makes the necklace feel like a bit of a dog collar. But I also think that you have to rent less space in your head to his ex... Are they still in touch a lot?

 

Yeah, I am trying to not think so much about her. They snapchat each other regularly with pictures and chat in the app. She has texted him a couple times, facetimed him once, and she has asked him to go over to her house once. She also commented on one of his snapchat stories of him and I, but I don't know what was said- I just find that a little odd, but it might have been nice, I'm not sure.

Edited by Purple Heart
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2 minutes ago, Purple Heart said:

They snapchat each other regularly with pictures and chat in the app. She has texted him a couple times, facetimed him once, and she has asked him to go over to her house once. She also commented on one of his snapchat stories of him and I, but I don't know what was said- I just find that a little odd, but it might have been nice, I'm not sure.

That would bother me.

I'm not big on guys who stay in touch with their exes. In fact, I don't date them. It's just messy.

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That would bother me.

I'm not big on guys who stay in touch with their exes. In fact, I don't date them. It's just messy.

Yea, it bothers me a little, that's mainly why I've been thinking about her recently. Does not help that they live in the same neighborhood, too, so their distance is a lot closer than mine and his. He told me that there is nothing to worry about though and he always lets me know when she contacts him. I trust him completely and do not think he would do anything and he knows what would make me uncomfortable. He does not think she would try anything on him either, but I don't know her at all to judge that for myself. I'm just not a fan of her reaching out to him so often. He has yet to reach out to her first. 

So, do you think that him giving me the chain was sincere or do you think that he was just "giving it to the next girlfriend?" because I still love the thought he told me was behind it. I'm not sure if I would put it on again, but I do feel naked and weird without it on now since I wore it for so long and it reminded me of him and comforted me in a sense. Hell, I would sleep holding the cross lmaooo

Edited by Purple Heart
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I'm guessing he was sincere... but I don't know the guy so my opinion is really meaningless.

I just don't think it's good that he continues to do things that make you uncomfortable. If he knows he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable, why is he continuing to do it?

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I'm guessing he was sincere... but I don't know the guy so my opinion is really meaningless.

I just don't think it's good that he continues to do things that make you uncomfortable. If he knows he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable, why is he continuing to do it?

I think he was sincere, but I'm not sure if putting the necklace back on would make me feel better or not lol. My plan is still to give it back.

I think I am too much of a people pleaser. I tend to cater to other people's needs a whole lot without any regard for my feelings and I try to make sure the other person is happy. So, at the beginning of the relationship, I think I let some things slide that made me uncomfortable and I would brush it off as no big deal because I knew he didn't think it was a big deal and would think I'm overreacting, but now I think my uncomfortableness is starting to show.

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Posted (edited)

Him giving her the chain and then giving it to you, was in poor taste...what is this? A community chain?!?

He should have given you either a new chain or another present specifically just for you.

Either way, I would give it back to him and let him know that I would prefer something that wasn't given to his ex.

As for him still talking to the ex? That's not good, no.

An ending is an ending. No reason for them to continue talking.

I know others will argue that exe's can be friends, but I don't personally agree.

They weren't just friends, were they? They were romantic, possibly even intimate...that's not friends.

The only reason I can think of to have an ex still in your life, is if you share a child together, otherwise it's messy and it's disrespectful to the new partner (you).

You're still young, and still learning what you're able to accept or not accept.

It's more than fine if you don't want this person lurking in the background of his life.

However, you can't force him to stay away from her, it would be your choice to end the relationship if he still wants her in his life.

As for the chain? Give it back and let him know it doesn't feel special seeing as his ex wore it.

You have a right to what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't.

Don't ever apologize for having standards.

Edited by SherrySher
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10 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Him giving her the chain and then giving it to you, was in poor taste...what is this? A community chain?!?

He should have given you either a new chain or another present specifically just for you.

Either way, I would give it back to him and let him know that I would prefer something that wasn't given to his ex.

As for him still talking to the ex? That's not good, no.

An ending is an ending. No reason for them to continue talking.

I know others will argue that exe's can be friends, but I don't personally agree.

They weren't just friends, were they? They were romantic, possibly even intimate...that's not friends.

The only reason I can think of to have an ex still in your life, is if you share a child together, otherwise it's messy and it's disrespectful to the new partner (you).

You're still young, and still learning what you're able to accept or not accept.

It's more than fine if you don't want this person lurking in the background of his life.

However, you can't force him to stay away from her, it would be your choice to end the relationship if he still wants her in his life.

As for the chain? Give it back and let him know it doesn't feel special seeing as his ex wore it.

You have a right to what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't.

Don't ever apologize for having standards.

I LOVED THIS ! THANK YOU !!

The only reason I am not extremelyyy pissed that he still talks to his ex, is because they were good friends before and apparently their relationship was mainly just friends who kiss... I'm not sure how that worked for over a year, but okayyy. 

Since this is my first relationship, I am definitely still learning the do's and don'ts and what are reasonable things to accept and not. 

I did express to him what I am and am not comfortable with when it comes to them two, so he is aware. I am very grateful that he asked me what I am comfortable with before a situation has even come up. I think that was thoughtful of him.

I'm trying to find a way to hint to him that I want him to buy me something... NOTHING BIG!!! I went on ebay and saw these $15 necklaces *wink* *wink* Is it bad to ask for something straight up or is hinting the way to go?

 

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe suggest buying matching chains together. That way he has something from you and you have something from him that was specifically chosen together. 

I like this idea !! Thank you!

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I think it's fine to stay in touch with exes. I'm married, first marriage for both of us. It depends on many factors including why, what the relationship was and is and if you get involved with someone new then the standard that worked for me was - does the ex (or any platonic female friend) respect the new relationship and does the new girlfriend have the opportunity if she likes to meet the ex? Also no going on dates or something that gives the strong impression of a date like a one on one dinner at a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night - no playing with fire.    

In your situation I think your boyfriend is allowing her to cross lines/boundaries that are inappropriate and not consistent with being in a committed relationship. 

I do like the idea of matching chains!

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18 hours ago, Purple Heart said:

i dont think me feeling uncomfortable about wearing something his ex wore is grounds for saying my maturity is showing. im sure anyone would feel that way, whether it be someone 19 or 40. 

imagine your current s.o. was engaged to their then s.o. and gave them a ring, but then they broke up and they got the ring back. then fast forward, you are now engaged to your s.o. and he gives you that same ring... not so special now. would you say that person is being immature for not wanting that ring? sure this example is on a higher scale, but the feelings involved remain relatively the same.

my thoughts on the chain and him texting me are not based on insecurity, they’re based on feelings and communication. 

Then tell him exactly how you feel about a used chain!  Make it clear you don't want it and would rather have something new.

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7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's fine to stay in touch with exes. I'm married, first marriage for both of us. It depends on many factors including why, what the relationship was and is and if you get involved with someone new then the standard that worked for me was - does the ex (or any platonic female friend) respect the new relationship and does the new girlfriend have the opportunity if she likes to meet the ex? Also no going on dates or something that gives the strong impression of a date like a one on one dinner at a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night - no playing with fire.    

In your situation I think your boyfriend is allowing her to cross lines/boundaries that are inappropriate and not consistent with being in a committed relationship. 

I do like the idea of matching chains!

I agree. I think he may not think of it as a big deal since they have the same friends and were good friends before their relationship started. He also believes that she won't try anything so I trust his instincts, it's just not something I would prefer. If she asks him to hang one-on-one or do anything like you said like a romantic dinner, then that is not just crossing the line... it's jumping over the line and running and I will have to speak more on the matter. 

Not too long ago I did bring up his ex briefly when asking a question and he asked me not to do that because he said he doesn't want to talk about her with me and doesn't think I would be comfortable with it and doesn't want me thinking about him with any other girl but me. I thought that was very nice of him. 

I'm going to bring up the matching chains together when I go up to visit him in a little over a week! I think he'll like the idea a lot!

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Posted (edited)

Unfortunately you seem overinvested and overinvolved. Talk to trusted adults about this.

Do not buy matching anything. This is not going to last.

You can return it and you can believe he's not into his local GF, but all this symbolism won't change his real real feelings or make you more secure.

That's where your mother and doctors and therapists come in.

Buying matching jewelry together is you forcing and pushing things forward as if you two were ready to pick out wedding rings. That's really overdoing it. Even suggesting this to him is creepy.

Sadly the level of clinginess and obsessing is what will ultimately drive him away.

Edited by Wiseman2
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