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Boyfriend spending to much time with male cousins


Anonymous_1
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Ok im not sure how to start so here goes nothing...So my boyfriend is spending to much time with his cousin he continues to have him in our place spending the whole night till the next day playing video games. Im not sure if its sexual tension is what I feel or its just me being traumatic because of my past having to deal with weird behavior in my past relationship with my partner being to sexual with both genders. He was in prison for ten years so it wasn’t much of a surprise when I had suspicions of him and another male esp. when they would get really high together after dark. So after being traumatized knowing I might have been with a guy who was dl, I also got in my head that anyone is capable of weird stuff like that. So fast forwarding to my bf now. Were still fairly fresh and now we live together. His cousin been here every other day. Im sure he wants to do guy things peacefully but he takes him out on dates with us so were three wheelin it then I feel left out. And now he just always here. Granted hes going through his own situation now that hes been sleeping in hotels and moving around place to place, me and my bf talk and agree hes a grown man able to make his own decisions we talked about how we should negotiate his cousin being here on a day off from work, I dont wanna be controlling or seem like im being a hater, I can be  slightly jealous of their relationship also because I miss mine with my family. How do I get over these gnawing thoughts that may not be true?  

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I can understand your past trauma is affecting your rationality now a days, and it's perfectly understandable.

However, it can be the case where your boyfriend feels sorry for the cousin and also enjoys time with him, in a totally non-sexual way.

As for the jealousy, that's something you'll need to work on, as it's important for your boyfriend to have other relationships in his life that add to his life and bring him happiness, other than the relationship you share.

Yours and his relationship is very important, but he also needs other relationships (particularly family) in order for his life to be fulfilled. Try to come to acceptance with it and to see that when you really love someone, you want them to be happy in everyway possible, even with having happy times with other people in his life.

As for the amount of time together, see if maybe your boyfriend can dial back the time with the cousin so it's not becoming too much.

Unfortunately, if the cousin keeps showing up, it does make things a bit more complicated and he will have to speak to him about it without hurting his feelings.

Edited by SherrySher
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That scenario is nuts.   The cousin should not be over there so often.  Put your foot down, or get out.  

Whose home is it?   Do you split bills?   Does your bf have a job? Does the cousin?   How old is everyone?

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, Anonymous_1 said:

Were still fairly fresh and now we live together. His cousin been here every other day. Im sure he wants to do guy things peacefully but he takes him out on dates with us so were three wheelin it then I feel left out. And now he just always here. Granted hes going through his own situation now that hes been sleeping in hotels and moving around place to place,

Why do you two live together when still 'fairly fresh'?  A little too much too soon, maybe?

He is allowed to hang with/have his cousin over - but is a little much.. But, I can also understand why.

As for YOUR past, now affecting your present.. Maybe you should either back out of this and work on yourself - or at least seek some professional help... As not everyone is like your ex 😕 .

Who knows.. your Bf may want his cousin to end up moving in, to help him out for a while?

In the end, I do feel you two should talk and arrange your own 'date nights', alone.

What has happened with you & your own family  - that you're missing?

 

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3 hours ago, Anonymous_1 said:

He was in prison for ten years

Apparently it was a felony conviction if he served that much time.

If this relationship isn't working for you, you can choose to end it rather than hoping or expecting him to "change".

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You get over it by creating some healthy boundaries. 

First of, this guy is not your ex. Him and his cousin spending all night gaming is just that.

Second is be clear to your bf, that his cousin tagging along on dates with you is not OK. That doesn't make you controlling, it makes you a person who is clear about what is and isn't appropriate. Basically, carve out some time where it's just you and your bf and no excuses or third parties. If he doesn't agree to that, then you dump him on the spot and walk away. Any sane person would agree without batting an eye that relationships need one on one time.

Third is agree to when, how often, how long this cousin can keep crashing at your place and have some basic house rules about it. Helping him out so he doesn't have to go around hotels is all good, but do put some rules and boundaries in place like he needs to contribute, clean up, make himself scarce x number of nights so you can have some privacy, etc. This is all doable through communication.

Most importantly, please understand that asserting some boundaries so you can be happy does not mean you are controlling. When you assert boundaries, those who yell the loudest that you are being controlling are the ones who want to manipulate you and trample over your boundaries to serve themselves at your expense.

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