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Almost over it, but still...


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I posted here a while ago when I fell very heavy for some girl a few states away from me. At some point I tried posting here again but then I abstained from it entirely.

My life is sort of back where it was before I took this month long back from programming and studying. Applying for jobs, doing interviews, studying DS algos. 

Basically a lot of hours in front of computers and books. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with my friend more and going to the gym a lot. I think I was getting really depressed from having been isolated for so long especially after tearing my quad muscle and that’s how I fell into this situation where I got tunnel vision for this girl.

I actually lost a lot of weight in the falling out losing close to 10 pounds from not eating and just working out everyday. I know now that I was acting crazy, and I spoke to my friend about going out to bars and meeting more mature women closer to my age with more successful careers then just playing video games and online chats with guys like the last girl...

I look at her picture now and realize she’s still attractive but not like when I was in love. Sometimes when I look back and read old conversations I realize geez I was a little obsessed. I think this is a pattern in a lot of my past relationships.

Doing the whole online thing sort of help me get over myself a little and stop being so self conscious about being rejected. I know I have a good life ahead of me, but do you guys ever think back sometimes and check on your ex’s to see how they are and what they turned out to be.

Why do I still have these lingering feelings. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over. I’ve mainly abstained from ever checking the app, but every now and then I’ll have a moment of boredom where my mind wanders and my feelings get the me better of me.

Edited by junebug123
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1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Sometimes when I look back and read old conversations I realize geez I was a little obsessed. I think this is a pattern in a lot of my past relationships.

Doing the whole online thing sort of help me get over myself a little and stop being so self conscious about being rejected. I know I have a good life ahead of me, but do you guys ever think back sometimes and check on your ex’s to see how they are and what they turned out to be.

- Yah, not too good to be acting out obessively 😕 .  maybe look into why you may be like this...

Do I check my ex's out... see how they are?  No.  I avoid it all to get over them and move on with life.

We all have ex's... break ups happen all the time.

Maybe you just need to work on how YOU handle things like this... like maybe you find other ways to vent it out... ways to cope.. and not be so 'stuck' on them.

Do you find you are always the one do get dumped?

Do you find you get involved way too much- with short relationships? - Could be reasons behind all of this, leading you to feel way too insecure.. not really ready to be involved, as it may be continuing to affect you too much in a negative aspect . 😕 

 

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Why do I still have these lingering feelings. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over. I’ve mainly abstained from ever checking the app, but every now and then I’ll have a moment of boredom where my mind wanders and my feelings get the me better of me.

- This is normal.. we are often curious.. as we try to 'wean' off them.

But, we also need to understand, in order to work on healing and moving ahead, we cannot reach out anymore,, less we know the better and cannot 'be friends'. - Is all too painful, and only way to heal.

Continue as you are with self care.. but do eat!  your body needs that energy & nutrients.  I know, in so many ways, we can falter 😕 .. But we also need to eventually pick ourselves back up & get back to 'life'. 

 

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Why do I still have these lingering feelings

I think you need to be more patient with yourself. 

Based on your other threads, and I mean no disrespect, you are rather impulsive with women and run on emotion. Your emotions seem intense and you appear to struggle in finding balance in order to pace yourself with a new love interest. 

So, it's going to take time to even out again. Until you find that true sense of inner calm, you will experience the ups-and-downs like this. Once you feel more emotionally-calibrated, you won't feel as inclined to see what this person is up to. But understand that it's a process you will need to continue working at, and it will require consistent effort from you to change old habits. 

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

do you guys ever think back sometimes and check on your ex’s to see how they are and what they turned out to be.

Sometimes when I am bored. In time you will meet somebody else and see how silly you was about some girl before. You even see it right now. My advice is that people who are in the past stay that way. Dont contact her. Again, you are working on yourself, going to gym etc. You will probably find somebody to occupy your attention soon. 

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6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you find you are always the one do get dumped?

Do you find you get involved way too much- with short relationships? - Could be reasons behind all of this, leading you to feel way too insecure.. not really ready to be involved, as it may be continuing to affect you too much in a negative aspect . 😕 

 

Usually I dump them because I get invested too early in the relationship and I feel it’s not reciprocated. I think I’m just co-dependent and no one can meet my emotional needs except for other co-dependent people.

The ones that dumped me I fall the hardest for, in this online situation I dumped the girl then regretted it. But looking back I realize it could never work because she was too needy and I couldn’t handle that.

My first real sexual relationship was with a women who was 9 years my senior and had an extremely high libido. Of course I was a horny guy at 20 and went along with it. Thinking back it was all very intense and happened very fast and I realize we were attracted to each other because with both had similar issues.

I didn’t get to learn the type of person I was in a relationship, even thou I’ve had past relationships that were non sexual. Pretty much took that experience and let it set the tone for future relationships and felt scorned that future girlfriends couldn’t ever meet the level of intensity that she brought.

Looking back at a lot of the relationships now, I realize I might have never truly got over that girl and never gave people a chance. Stupidly, thinking that a few weeks or a month is enough time for people to fall madly in love with me and resenting them the entire time because they could never dedicate themselves to me the way she did.

Sometimes I hate myself because I compared too many of my partners to her sexual experience and how dominate she was. I have found a few women that were close to her level of aggressiveness but I think I just never moved on and never admitted it to myself.

That entire relationship only lasted 8 months were we lived with each other and regularly had sex 2-3 times a day, usually 5-6 days out of the week. She would regularly give me oral when I was just sleeping or relaxing, thinking back I don’t think she respected my boundaries much. 

Most of my relationships would go for 2-3 months and be mainly causal in nature. Girls would realize that I wasn’t that invested and to be honest I wasn’t really. I took a lot of time to work on myself, and I’m only admitting to myself now what a number this women did to me. Crazy thing is that was 15 years ago. 

Does this even make any sense for someone to be so dumb as me to have never moved on and to never realize it.

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The thing you had when you were 20 was not a relationship, it was just sex.  You basically have no reference on what a healthy relationship looks like or how one starts. 

  You sound like you get rushed and force things to go faster than they need to go instead of allowing the relationship to grow by itself.  When people start dating often times they both are on a different speed. Sex for example.  Many times the guy is good to go right off the bat but the woman needs time to get to know him and develop feelings of trust so the guy is patient.  You need to learn to be patient when dating and not rush anything including yourself.  many incompatibilities are missed or ignored when people rush into a relationship.

  Why is the thing that happened 15 years ago still affecting you still?  Could it be because that is your only frame of reference?  Breaking habits or changing our impulse control is not easy but it is totally possible.  You have to work hard at it and have a plan on how to go about it.  Perhaps that should be your next thread...

  Lost

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46 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Why is the thing that happened 15 years ago still affecting you still?  Could it be because that is your only frame of reference?  Breaking habits or changing our impulse control is not easy but it is totally possible.  You have to work hard at it and have a plan on how to go about it.  Perhaps that should be your next thread...

  Lost

I feel like it’s hard to secure a relationship with a girl when sex isn’t involved. The faster I have it, the safer I feel and the more comfortable I feel around the person.

Sometimes I don’t like to invest too much energy in dating someone who might not be into me romantically. This has happened to me a lot in the past, and it traumatizing to me every time I know a girl is dating several people at once.

I hate having to compete for attention and if turning it physical means there’s less competition for me down the road, then I feel compelled to go there. I realize what your saying or correct, but my insecurities always get the best of me.

I guess I don’t feel worthy enough for people to want to be with just me and not my body. Do other men struggle with this too, why do I feel like I sound like a female?

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men AND women have those feelings and emotions. You will work through it. You acknowledge your mistakes and taking steps to go forward. Everything will fall into place.

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4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

my insecurities always get the best of me.

This is what lies at the heart of the matter.  What do you think is the cause of your insecurities?  Something in the past, and adverse event maybe. Have you discussed these insecurities in a professional setting?  I think at one time you also remarked that you suffer from anxiety. 

 

13 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I realize geez I was a little obsessed. I think this is a pattern in a lot of my past relationships.

 

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Yes men and women both feel the way you do from time to time.  Everyone is insecure and I mean EVERYONE.  To what level is the difference.  I have been fortunate enough to date some really stunning women and they were insecure too about how they looked or what they said or did.  Until you are in a committed and healthy relationship where you can totally relax some insecurity is normal.

  I am a guy and I can tell you that for myself I get pretty stupid once things turn physical.  I am a pretty smart guy but once sex is involved I start missing signs, red and orange flags and very obvious things I normally would see.  Of course in time I come to my senses but then I am in to deep to easily extricate myself without hurting someone.

  If a woman likes you then she likes you but it has to be the real you.  Being brave and accepting that some women will like you but like someone else more is a fact of life and dating.  If you have to trick someone into dating you then how long do you really think it will last?  How healthy could it be?

 Slow everything down and cut your instincts in half and double the length of time before moving to the next step of a relationship. 

  Look back at mistakes and identify why you did what you did then learn from it.  If the same thing keeps happening then focus on that and the genesis.

  Lost

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20 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Slow everything down and cut your instincts in half and double the length of time before moving to the next step of a relationship. 

Alright thanks brother. I’m going to try this moving forward. Much love and thanks for the support.

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