Jump to content

Have you stopped loving an unrequited love?


Recommended Posts

I'm in love with my ex from a decade ago. Let’s call him Harry.

 

We met online through a mutual interest. We had a strong, intense connection, but it wasn't until a few years later that we met in person. During this time, we weren't in a relationship (my insistence) and I was kind of a *** to him so I figured that's why he ghosted me and I haven't heard from him for seven years.

 

I started dating, met someone new (let’s call him Lucas) and managed to put Harry out of my head for a few years. Now I’m engaged to Lucas, but I can’t stop thinking about Harry. This was prompted by a strange incident last year, but perhaps the finality of marriage has also brought home the reality that I’m not marrying the person I love.

 

So things go a bit sour with Lucas and me. I told him that our relationship is loveless and I don’t feel the deep connection to him that I did with my ex. I’m snapping at him for little things, and realise that I’m just angry at him because he’s not Harry. Lucas and I break up for about two months but now we’re trying to patch things up again.

 

Before we broke up, I went behind Lucas’ back and emailed Harry. I get a rather vicious reply which confirms that he pretty much hates me. He also thinks I cheated on him when we were together. So getting back with him is a definite no-go.

 

Yet still, I love him. I‘m obsessively thinking about Harry and the life I want to have with him. I want to make him happy. I want to subsidise him to do a web design course. I want to come home to him every night, cook vegetarian meals for him, help him develop life skills and experience meaningful physical intimacy again. I wasn’t very good at sex when Harry and I met, but now I know I could satisfy him properly.

 

This love has lasted a decade. Harry was the most I have ever loved, and been loved. I wonder will this feeling ever go away? Will I be thinking of Harry on my wedding day? When I have my first child?

 

Have you ever gotten over an unrequited love? If so, how?

 

I’ve even sought help from a professional hypnotist who advised that they don’t really do that sort of thing, and I’d be better off talking to a relationship counsellor.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Roseblud said:

Now I’m engaged to Lucas, but I can’t stop thinking about Harry. I’m not marrying the person I love.

things go a bit sour with Lucas and me. I told him that our relationship is loveless

 emailed Harry. I get a rather vicious reply which confirms that he pretty much hates me.

Is this an arranged marriage? Why are you engaged to someone you don't live...or even like? 

This has nothing to do with a  fantasy from a decade ago. Leave him alone.

Talk to your parents about  this marriage and also seeing a doctor about the obsessions and stalking.

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? Why are you engaged to someone you don't live...or even like? 

This has nothing to do with a  fantasy from a decade ago. Leave him alone.

Talk to your parents about  this marriage and also seeing a doctor about the obsessions and stalking.

It's not arranged. Apart from Harry, Lucas is the guy I like best. I just don't love him, and I'm not sure I'll ever love someone apart from Harry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

How selfish to continue with Lucas.   Let him go.  

Get some therapy for your obsession with Harry, not a hypnotist.  UGH!.   You are choosing not to let this go.   It is not reality.

Edited by Hollyj
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

This was prompted by a strange incident last year, but perhaps the finality of marriage has also brought home the reality that I’m not marrying the person I love.

Umm... not a good thing.

 

1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

I’m snapping at him for little things, and realise that I’m just angry at him because he’s not Harry. Lucas and I break up for about two months but now we’re trying to patch things up again.

You know you are not 'in love' with him.. why are you trying to patch things up?

 

1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

Yet still, I love him. I‘m obsessively thinking about Harry and the life I want to have with him. I want to make him happy.

I feel you are thinking other thoughts, due to what was never dealt with when involved with Harry?  So, you're looking BACK.  Don't do that, because of what you're lacking with Lucas.

 

1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

Will I be thinking of Harry on my wedding day? When I have my first child?

I really hope it is NOT Lucas you are talking about?  You don't love him!

1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

but it wasn't until a few years later that we met in person. During this time, we weren't in a relationship (my insistence) and I was kind of a *** to him so I figured that's why he ghosted me and I haven't heard from him for seven years.

Sorry - but you seem really lost & confused 😕 .

YOU pushed Harry away, he stopped dealing with you.. and now your thoughts are trailing back to this guy.... regrets maybe...

But, do not marry someone you don't love.. WHY would you?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Roseblud said:

It's not arranged. Apart from Harry, Lucas is the guy I like best. I just don't love him, and I'm not sure I'll ever love someone apart from Harry.

Then why are you marrying him? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Psychologically you need 3 componets for relationship: passion, intimacy and commitment. Usually its a mix of some of them, ideally all 3. You probably had just passion with that first guy that you dont with second and that is OK. With second you probably have commitment and maybe intimacy. Its not unusual that passion is missing or fades away in time, you can still base relationship on other two, even marriage one. Its not even unusual to think fondly about past passions. However, you are actively longing about first guy. Guy that wasnt even in a relationship with you btw. While rejecting second because passion is not there. You need to forget about first, and find out can you stay with second without passion or just let him go and find somebody where you will have passion component. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Unrequited love is an affection for someone who doesn't feel the same about you but I think it speaks more to that period of a person's life and not being able to let go of a time in the past. You're still hooked to that part of the past that had nothing to do with Lucas in it. I don't think this has to do with Harry. It has to do with Lucas not being in your life and wishing you weren't engaged at all to the wrong person.

Have you considered not marrying Lucas and never speaking to Harry again? 

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...