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I hate who I’ve become.


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Ive been in a relationship for 9 years, it was everything I wanted. Until it wasn’t? 
The past couple of years I’ve done things that risk everything and I don’t understand why or feel guilty at the time. 
I like attention basically, I like to make people like me and when it becomes too much or they get to close I block them from my life, and phone. This can be people I’ve met or those I’ve been talking to online. 
I know I need to stop and be a good person but I really don’t know how..

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Are you saying that you have cheated on your partner, OP?

I would reflect and ask yourself if it's time to be single. Are you bored or unhappy in your relationship? Wondering what else is out there? 

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, IthinkIMokay said:

I like attention basically, I like to make people like me and when it becomes too much or they get to close I block them from my life, and phone. 

This may be a moral problem or psychological problem.

Start with an evaluation from a physician and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You seem to lack insight, coping techniques and appropriate satisfaction in life through accomplishments, work, sports, friends, family,etc.

Get away from the screen and stop catfishing. 🐟

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, IthinkIMokay said:

I like attention basically, I like to make people like me and when it becomes too much or they get to close I block them from my life, and phone.

Okay, what does this have to do with you being involved for 9 yrs?  I gather that relationship is.. no more?

First off.. maybe don't add them to your phone - if you know you will push them all away.

So, you have issue's with letting people into your life, at a personal level?

Maybe consider therapy, if this is how you are.... can help you work through what's going on internally.

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OP- some questions for you.

What, in your opinion, is now missing from your relationship?

Why do you think you push people away?  What do you consider to be "too much"?  Are you afraid of being vulnerable?  Or being rejected? So it's easier to keep things at the surface. 

IMVHO, I can see two potential things at play here.   1. You have an " if only" mindset, which can be dangerous, especially the older we get.  We see happiness as something to achieve by getting SOME thing- IE- That JOB, that PERSON, that LOOK, that SIZE, that IMAGE, that HOUSE, that A, B, C, D-   and that we will only be HAPPY once we HAVE A, B, C, D.  The problem is as humans we have insatiable desires.  There will always be something ELSE we also want.  Happiness has to be found in the now, as much as we possibly can, because the now is all that is guaranteed.  SIDEBAR- I'm referring to general ennui- this does NOT apply to getting out of something abusive, etc. 

2.  You're afraid of being who you really are.   Sometimes when we push people away, it says a lot about us. What we are worried about ourselves.  Sometimes people try to live an image of who they THINK they should be and in turn reject who they really are.  Sometimes it's because they are afraid of how others will perceive the real them.  Sometimes it's fear of rejection in general.  " I don't want to date that person I really like, so I'll push them away".  Sometimes it's fear of being vulnerable, of falling apart, or having to face less than perfect parts of ourselves or others.  So, we keep things light and surface and don't let anyone care "too much".  That way you can always be someone's "perfect image" rather than an imperfect human being. 

Maybe these are your issues, maybe they aren't- it's hard to know without more specifics.  But these are some things I have seen over the years in others that have been in similar mindsets to yours. 

 

 

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You can't undo the past.  However, it's not too late to change starting today.  If you want to become a better person, then be that better person by evolving and transforming yourself into a decent human being and a person of high integrity. 

Think of people whom you admire.  If you wish to become an admirable person, then do whatever it takes to be the type of person whom you can look in the mirror everyday. 

Follow "The Golden Rule."  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Treat people with respect and consideration.  Treat people the way you wish to be treated.

Know what the word "commitment" means when it comes to friendships or relationships.  If you're the type who will grow easily distant or disinterested, then treat people as acquaintances or less than acquaintances.  In other words, don't get close nor too personal.  Enforce healthier boundaries for yourself and this way, no one will get hurt and you won't become disappointed in yourself.

If you feel that people start to get too close to you and they're too  high maintenance for you, instead of abruptly blocking them, let go of them with kind courtesy.  Give them the "it's not you, it's me" explanation before going your separate ways.  At least show respect before you cut people off.  Better yet, don't get involved if you'll hurt the other person.  You're just wasting everyone's time and energy. 

Or, take a break from people until you're ready to take baby steps in friendships or relationships.  Tell the other person about your anxiety and fears so both of you can work on your issues and insecurity.  This way, you can work on yourself and the other person will be prepared for your mental state. 

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Quote

I hate who I’ve become.

Very painful place to be. I was there once. I don't know the details of what you're writing about but if you have a chance to change things around and find a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you it is worth making the journey. 

Keep the faith and have a plan for yourself. Make sure your actions align with your thoughts and values. Things will fall into place, slowly but surely. Life will get brighter.

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