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Unusually upset about a short term casual relationship ending. What to do and why do I feel like this?


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I suffered a bad breakup of a longterm relationship a couple of months ago. I was devastated, barely alive for two months.

Then, as I finally started to heal, I met someone. At first, I only planned for it to be on a purely physical level, but I somehow felt really nice around him and while I think I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship, I did want to see where it was going, get to know him a bit better and see if I like him. 

We defined things as completely casual and he did act like that when we weren't together. When we were, though, I kinda felt like we do like eachother on a personal level, not just physical. He said he was not looking for a relationship (also had a relationship that hurt him a lot, though much more time has passed from his breakup than from mine) and I really thought I wasn't looking for one either. It just felt good and I wanted it to feel good longer.

The last time we saw eachother he was very affectionate (I mean, I guess he just is an affectionate person) and said stuff like "I don't know why I'm complicating things, I like you and like being with you, I just don't see where it's going" and "this is like we're in a relationship". Then he sort of turned cold and when I invited him to hang out, he didn't answer. And that night I saw him with another girl. Now, he didn't do anything wrong, he told me honestly that he's seeing other people, he was very honest from the very beginning and I have nothing to blame him for.

It's just that I'm so scarred from my previous relationship that just the act of choosing to hang out with another girl when he could have been hanging out with me hurt much more than expected. So when he called to ask what I was doing, I told him we should stop seeing eachother. He agreed, saying that it's better to end it before anyone gets hurt, that he thinks it'll end badly anyway, so it's better to end it now. I told him honestly that I had a wonderful time and wanted to keep having a wonderful time, but that it does hurt to feel I care more than he does and that I wanted to protect myself. He said that he had a wonderful time too but that we didn't have anything "deep" and that he couldn't see where it was going. I answered that we only started to get to know each other and that it's normal that we don't have anything deep yet and that no one ever knows where something is going and that's normal. And I told him that I'm ending it because I'm afraid of me catching feelings in the future and him still not feeling anything. And asked if he's ending it because we don't have anything deep or because he got scared that we might someday. He said he has no answer to that qeustion.

What followed was a bunch of "it's not you, it's me" from his side, saying I'm great and whatnot. And the funny thing is, I believe it. I honestly do believe everything he said. We said our goodbyes and that's it.

 

And now I'm suffering post-breakup feelings about someone that I wasn't even in a relationship with. I mean, we barely started to get to know each other. Though I did like what I learned so far. But with that getting to know him, I felt good for the first time after my last breakup. It was exciting and it was affectionate and I did wanted to see where it was going. 
And now the "lying to myself so I feel better" part of my brain is telling me that he was actually scared of it developing into something real and that that's why  he "stood me up" and went and hooked up with someone else. Because that last time we saw each other it truly felt like a relationship. But my point is, I shouldn't even be thinking about it, let alone feeling this anxious about it. I have no idea why I feel like this and I have no idea what to do about it. And here I am, again, trying to tell myself it's totally over, yet there's that dumb hope of him starting to miss me and calling me. I shouldn't feel this way. 

Well, at least this time, unlike my last relationship, I was very dignified. Honest and open, yes, but dignified. So now, how do I:
1) stop hoping he'll call and say he does like me
2) stop myself from contacting him ever again 
3) stop feeling like *** over something that wasn't even a relationship

Thank you!

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Well, he knows you're into him so he can use that to his own advantage to get attention, sympathy, even sex. After all, he already told you he doesn't want more so if you choose to have sex with him o

Agree, a fling can make you feel alive again, but he doesn't want anything.  My advice about the LTR remains the same:  

If you feel the current therapist is not helping you out then perhaps seek out a different therapist.  

19 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I suffered a bad breakup of a longterm relationship a couple of months ago.

how do I:
1) stop hoping he'll call and say he does like me
2) stop myself from contacting him ever again 
3) stop feeling like *** over something that wasn't even a relationship

Sorry this happened. Why did your long term relationship end?

1. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

2. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

3. Realize this is about the LTR, not this recent guy.

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21 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

He said he was not looking for a relationship (also had a relationship that hurt him a lot, though much more time has passed from his breakup than from mine) and I really thought I wasn't looking for one either. It just felt good and I wanted it to feel good longer.

Yes, you were looking to 'feel good' again.. because you are yearning for that support.  Of which you could not get.

* due to your last relationship BU*

 

22 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I told him we should stop seeing eachother. He agreed, saying that it's better to end it before anyone gets hurt, that he thinks it'll end badly anyway, so it's better to end it now. I told him honestly that I had a wonderful time and wanted to keep having a wonderful time, but that it does hurt to feel I care more than he does and that I wanted to protect myself.

Good for you - yes, stop.. as there were 'No expectations" here.

 

24 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

And now I'm suffering post-breakup feelings about someone that I wasn't even in a relationship with. I mean, we barely started to get to know each other.

Right.  You are NOT able to be involved yet, in a healthy manner.

You reacted too quickly to some 'attention'.. BUT you are still steaming from your last broken relationship.

You simply cannot & should not be getting involved again, for a good while.

And now you need to work on your experience with this one and your last one.

26 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

And now the "lying to myself so I feel better" part of my brain is telling me that he was actually scared of it developing into something real and that that's why  he "stood me up" and went and hooked up with someone else.

Right.  You are lying to yourself.. Your mind is in overdrive with this 😕 ... He had NO feelings in this.  Is easy to just have sex... but to get emotionally invested takes much more time.

 

Now.. you stop everything with him.  No more contact.

You focus on YOU now.  You need to work through all you've experienced.  And you need to 'get back to good' again... On your own.

Neither one of you had anything to give.  You are still hurting .

So, remain on your own until you know you are doing better.. could be another year or more.

But, avoid looking for some guy to 'make you feel better'.

Takes time.. give yourself time... to heal & let go.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Why did your long term relationship end?

1. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

2. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

3. Realize this is about the LTR, not this recent guy.

It's such a long story. The longterm break up was dragging on for a year, we both did stupid stuff, I really don't want to talk about it.

I know that deleting and blocking is the best option and I know that I asked how to stop hoping, but I do still want to leave the door open. So I'll wait a bit with that blocking, even though I know that's not good for me. 

3. I know that. I'm painfully aware that it's hitting me so hard because I'm reliving the rejection and pain from my LT relationship. But it's also because with him, for the first time in a long time, I felt good, I felt carefree, I felt relaxed. I'm going to miss that feeling. And since that feeling came after my breakup depression, I think my brain went into "oh god, we lost the feelgood thing, that must mean we'll fall into that depression pit again". And, not gonna lie, today does feel a lot like my comfortable depression pit.

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6 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

3. I know that. I'm painfully aware that it's hitting me so hard because I'm reliving the rejection and pain from my LT relationship. 

Agree, a fling can make you feel alive again, but he doesn't want anything. 

My advice about the LTR remains the same:

 

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5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, you were looking to 'feel good' again.. because you are yearning for that support.  Of which you could not get.

* due to your last relationship BU*

 

Good for you - yes, stop.. as there were 'No expectations" here.

 

Right.  You are NOT able to be involved yet, in a healthy manner.

You reacted too quickly to some 'attention'.. BUT you are still steaming from your last broken relationship.

You simply cannot & should not be getting involved again, for a good while.

And now you need to work on your experience with this one and your last one.

Right.  You are lying to yourself.. Your mind is in overdrive with this 😕 ... He had NO feelings in this.  Is easy to just have sex... but to get emotionally invested takes much more time.

 

Now.. you stop everything with him.  No more contact.

You focus on YOU now.  You need to work through all you've experienced.  And you need to 'get back to good' again... On your own.

Neither one of you had anything to give.  You are still hurting .

So, remain on your own until you know you are doing better.. could be another year or more.

But, avoid looking for some guy to 'make you feel better'.

Takes time.. give yourself time... to heal & let go.

Thank you for such a well thought out answer.
And for that reality check about him not having feelings in this. Honestly, I don't know if I had feelings. I mean, it was too soon for any feelings FOR him, but I did feel great when I was around him.

Truth be told, it totally sucks that both him and I wanted to end it so soon, because the physical part of it was great, I was never that attracted to anyone before on a purely physical level. I think that if we both put some boundaries, it could have been a very nice casual physical thing. But we didn't. We agreed that it was not a relationship, yet when we were together it was much more talking and cuddling, much less of what we agreed it was - just satisfying physical desire. So it was inevitable for it to implode. Simply because it became confusing, at least for me.

I do still have a little hope that him and I could see each other again and explore the potential of whatever this was.

I know I shouldn't. But it just felt so good. After such a long time of feeling so bad. 

I know I must learn to be happy on my own. And the thing is, I never really thought of myself as of a person who has to be in a relationship in order to feel happy. It's just that the last couple of years have been so hard. Not the relationship stuff, just my mental state. That I guess I tend to cling onto stuff that make me feel good. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, a fling can make you feel alive again, but he doesn't want anything. 

My advice about the LTR remains the same:

 

I knew I did remember your username! 
I am proud to say I'm still in therapy. Since the last time I gave up too soon.
I'm not sure how my therapy is going, though, but I plan on keeping up with it.

I did think I was starting to heal right around the time I met this guy. Guess I wasn't ready after all.

I mean, I did want it to be just a physical thing (and I thought I was ready for that), but I guess for me it wasn't. Not saying I have feelings for him, it's way too early. It's more of:
1) It felt good and I wanted to keep that good thing
2) I became open to "seeing where it goes". He wasn't. Such is life.

 

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Its OK to feel something even if its not returned from the other side. But, you need to realize that he wanted to see other people, you wanted to be in the relationship after bad break up. In time you will find somebody for that, but the guy who says stuff like "this is like we are in a relationship", dodges you and you see him with other girls, is not a relationship material. Just forget about him and find somebody who will appreciate you enough to not escape at the first sign of things getting "like you are in a relationship".

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14 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

Truth be told, it totally sucks that both him and I wanted to end it so soon, because the physical part of it was great, I was never that attracted to anyone before on a purely physical level. I think that if we both put some boundaries, it could have been a very nice casual physical thing.

IMO, it would have NOT been a good, successful, casual thing.

Most often, is the woman who gets emotionally invested, too soon, but they don't - so would have ended up being one big mess, for you, still . 😕 

16 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

- just satisfying physical desire. So it was inevitable for it to implode. Simply because it became confusing, at least for me.

Yup, it would.... the thoughts, 'needs', etc.  But, this is not for you.. Not what you need.

 

17 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I do still have a little hope that him and I could see each other again and explore the potential of whatever this was.

Yah, I suggest you don't!  You are not in the right head space.. and he was not 'able' to give you something proper... so don't go there or expect anything more.  ( remember,, he's got a few).

19 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I know I shouldn't. But it just felt so good. After such a long time of feeling so bad. 

Okay, but you NEED to take that roller coaster, for a while.  you need to feel and work through both BU's now.  I do hope you get what I am saying.  You are in no way ready or able to be in something with healthy expectations.. 

are you not struggling a lot, internally?

 

20 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

Not the relationship stuff, just my mental state. That I guess I tend to cling onto stuff that make me feel good. 

Right.  You do need to learn to be happy on your own.

Do focus on YOU now and to work at NOT seeking that stuff to make you feel good.

This will only damage you more.

 

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8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its OK to feel something even if its not returned from the other side. But, you need to realize that he wanted to see other people, you wanted to be in the relationship after bad break up. In time you will find somebody for that, but the guy who says stuff like "this is like we are in a relationship", dodges you and you see him with other girls, is not a relationship material. Just forget about him and find somebody who will appreciate you enough to not escape at the first sign of things getting "like you are in a relationship".

I don't think I wanted that in general. Just that I thought since things were pretty good, I'd like to see where it goes. Obviously nowhere, lol. 

The thing is, thinking in terms of "he escaped because it felt like a relationship" is just sparking up some dumb hope. Which I don't know why I even have. I mean, we do barely know each other.

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10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, it would have NOT been a good, successful, casual thing.

Most often, is the woman who gets emotionally invested, too soon, but they don't - so would have ended up being one big mess, for you, still . 😕 

Yup, it would.... the thoughts, 'needs', etc.  But, this is not for you.. Not what you need.

 

Yah, I suggest you don't!  You are not in the right head space.. and he was not 'able' to give you something proper... so don't go there or expect anything more.  ( remember,, he's got a few).

Okay, but you NEED to take that roller coaster, for a while.  you need to feel and work through both BU's now.  I do hope you get what I am saying.  You are in no way ready or able to be in something with healthy expectations.. 

are you not struggling a lot, internally?

 

Right.  You do need to learn to be happy on your own.

Do focus on YOU now and to work at NOT seeking that stuff to make you feel good.

This will only damage you more.

 

I know that, rationally. Rationally, I'm completely aware that I should not be seeking stuff to make me feel good. 

It's just that last couple of years, I have no idea how to even feel good. It just happens occasionally, rarely, and when it does, I have trouble letting go. 

It's like I'm stuck in some bad mental state where I have no control over how I feel at all. I just feel bad or I feel good. But I feel like I can't make myself feel good. 

The last month was the best month I had in a year and a half. And I shouldn't have played with fire just yet. But I did. And now I feel like I did in January, when my LT relationship ended. Which I feel is just crazy and I know that it's not even about this particular guy, it's about that neverending "good things never last", "my life sucks" childish thoughts. 

I realise that I do not need a relationship and I do not need relationship advice, I actually need a different outlook on life itself, more hope for the future, more enjoying the little stuff, less fear of abandonement, less strict expectations of myself and others. But I feel like all that working with my therapist is still getting me nowhere. I feel like I know what I need to change, but don't know how. Like, all this isn't about guys, it's about me, my life, my depression. But for this short while, he was like a little antidepressant pill to me lol. I did quite like that feeling.

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7 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I actually need a different outlook on life itself, more hope for the future, more enjoying the little stuff, less fear of abandonement, less strict expectations of myself and others. But I feel like all that working with my therapist is still getting me nowhere. I feel like I know what I need to change, but don't know how.

Ahh, okay.

So keep working on it... when in therapy you do not 'feel great' in a month.. keep at that. ( I did, on & off through the yrs. last time, for 4 yrs, one on one and group).

Maybe you are kinda feeling lost 😕 ...

When you are down & out.. yeah, to seek something 'good' is understandable.

Yes, we do need to learn to  be okay on our own.  I have been for a good while and I feel that's best... Relationships of all kinds can drain you 😕 .  As they have expectations & take energy.

How about your friends.. have some.. do you hang out?  or hobby's/ crafts etc?  I've taken up crocheting 🙂 .  I get lost in my tunes now & then... Do you journal?  Is a good way to 'get it out' another way.

Are you taking anything for your depression?  Not all anti depr's work for people.. I went from anxiety meds (weaned off now), to a mood stablizer.  I can actually function better nowadays, thankfully.. But anxiety is always there.

 

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16 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

actually need a different outlook on life itself, more hope for the future, more enjoying the little stuff, less fear of abandonement,

If you feel the current therapist is not helping you out then perhaps seek out a different therapist.

 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh, okay.

So keep working on it... when in therapy you do not 'feel great' in a month.. keep at that. ( I did, on & off through the yrs. last time, for 4 yrs, one on one and group).

Maybe you are kinda feeling lost 😕 ...

When you are down & out.. yeah, to seek something 'good' is understandable.

Yes, we do need to learn to  be okay on our own.  I have been for a good while and I feel that's best... Relationships of all kinds can drain you 😕 .  As they have expectations & take energy.

How about your friends.. have some.. do you hang out?  or hobby's/ crafts etc?  I've taken up crocheting 🙂 .  I get lost in my tunes now & then... Do you journal?  Is a good way to 'get it out' another way.

Are you taking anything for your depression?  Not all anti depr's work for people.. I went from anxiety meds (weaned off now), to a mood stablizer.  I can actually function better nowadays, thankfully.. But anxiety is always there.

 

I've been in therapy for three months, so yeah, that's perhaps way too short to see any tangible improvement.

I'm glad you have been better, it gives me hope.

I have friends, though not so many. And I also fear I have driven them away by being so unhappy and so focused on my heartbreak and my insecurities and my depression so much. I hope I haven't really. But I do need to work on reestablishing those relationship by this time giving more time and attention to my friends. I don't think I've ever been a bad friend, though, just a bit needy at times. So I hope that will be forgiven.

I have hobbies. Way too much hobbies actually. I also work and am (still) in university (failed a bit when my depression, my anxiety and my chronic illness were bad, but it's normal to study longer in my country and especially in my uni; I'm overexplaining so you don't think I'm a failure lol). The thing is, when I feel bad about life, I neglect almost all my responsibilities. I have no desire to study now, for an example, and I'm soo close to finishing it's dumb not to study. I'm responsible about work, though. And the only hobbies that I can manage when depressed are reading and writing, which sometimes gets me to feel better, sometimes more depressed. 

I was on antidepressants for a year, now I'm not. I think I could use them, but at the same time, I want to tough it out and try to get better without them. (The thing is, I have a personality of an addict, I cling onto things that make me feel good and I think that if I only get better on ADs, I might feel I need them for the rest of my life.)

Actually, when you mentioned anxiety, I mostly feel anxious right now. And I hate that, since for the last six months or so, I've mostly been depressed, but less anxious. And if I have to choose between the two, I handle my depression better. Or at least, my depression feels "better" than my anxiety.

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2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

If you feel the current therapist is not helping you out then perhaps seek out a different therapist.

 

I don't know if it's the therapist or is it me. 

I think I'm way too close-minded about CBT for it to help me. For me, CBT sounds sort of like those "positive vibes" things. Changing your beliefs so they affect your emotions differently is a very strange, fix-it thing to me. It doesn't feel genuine.

Like, I might replace "being dumped means I am undeserving of love and affection and my life will forever be this sad and boring" with "I accept people's feelings change and that change of feelings doesn't measure my worth" and honestly, rationally I'm completely able to come up with these "healthy thought replacements". But somehow what I think is not that connected to how I feel. Saying the "healthy" option makes me feel more sane, but doesn't remove the anxiety, the restlessness, the numbness, the thightening in my chest, the nausea of pure feelings. 

So honestly, I don't know. I always thought that the thing with some new age psychology mumbo jumbo things is - it works for those who believe in it, like placebo. Like, people that think wearing crystals around their neck is helping them give out a better presentation at work will be more confident and actually give out a better presentation.
What sucks is that even though I don't consider CBT a total mumbo jumbo, I do think it only works for people who think it will work. And sadly, I don't think I do. But I also have no idea what else to look for. And my therapist is pretty good at diverging from CBT when she feels I'm resisting too much and trying some different approaches. So I like the therapist and I actually think I'm the problem. 

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11 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

The thing is, when I feel bad about life, I neglect almost all my responsibilities. I have no desire to study now, for an example, and I'm soo close to finishing it's dumb not to study. I'm responsible about work, though. And the only hobbies that I can manage when depressed are reading and writing, which sometimes gets me to feel better, sometimes more depressed. 

This is okay 🙂 .  We all falter... we all have pressures and we all feel like we fail, etc.  Life is full of challenges.

But, you keep on going!  Is fine that you have no desires and will fall back a bit.. BUT you keep at it, you're trying.

Reading & writing is good stuff!  No harm there.. I journal a lot as well, especially when a lot is going on up there.

13 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

I want to tough it out and try to get better without them. (The thing is, I have a personality of an addict, I cling onto things that make me feel good and I think that if I only get better on ADs, I might feel I need them for the rest of my life.)

If you NEED something, then is best you stay on it. imo

 

14 minutes ago, AnnaKarenina said:

Actually, when you mentioned anxiety, I mostly feel anxious right now. And I hate that, since for the last six months or so, I've mostly been depressed, but less anxious

Is something to consider. 🙂 

So, maybe consider talking with your doctor for help with something here also med change or dosage change.  I never felt Anti depr did me any good - but we are all wired differently.  I do find the mood stablizer has been most helpful.. after i went off the anxiety meds.

 

As for your friends.. is not not quantity is quality.  I have a small bubble and i like that.  I don't have fake friends, they are real and we all struggle with something.. though I do often spend most time on my own.. (introvert, lol).  

But.. One day at a time... remember your self care . ❤️ ... Eat good stuff, get your sleep.. have your down time, etc.

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4 hours ago, AnnaKarenina said:

. . . how do I:
1) stop hoping he'll call and say he does like me
2) stop myself from contacting him ever again 
3) stop feeling like *** over something that wasn't even a relationship

Real relationship or not real relationship, the heart doesn't know the difference.

I'm resisting the urge to say "you'll be fine" because it sounds so dismissive, but the way you're presenting yourself here you really seem to have your head on straight.  You WILL be fine.

What helped me with the questions you mentioned above, when I was in a similar situation not all that long ago (and these may or may not apply to you, they are my experience only) was to think of things about him that didn't work, things that you actually didn't like about him (if anything, but there's usually at least one or two things even if minor), or at least things that made him not entirely right for you.  In my case, I genuinely liked the guy in question but we were incompatible on so many levels that it didn't make sense to continue on no matter how much we liked each other's company.  Every time I wanted to reach out, or hoped he'd reach out and express some sort of desire to make things work after all or declare feelings for me, I asked myself what I hoped to achieve by any of that, because the facts remained the same--we were/are incompatible.  Being in contact again wouldn't solve anything or make any of that go away.

I keep a journal on my hard-drive so I work out all my feelings in that and when I was tempted to reach out, I'd simply open that and type away.  I didn't have to worry about sounding stupid or pathetic because it's only for me and I can be as needy and neurotic as I want, ha!  And no one else has to know.

I'm sure it sounds trite but it's a process, not some sort of sudden event that will just happen when it's convenient, and there may be setbacks.  Allow yourself the luxury of occasionally acknowledging the hopes that you had for this relationship, and your prior relationship, and think about what you would like going forward.

Again, you'll be fine. 🙂 

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8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

This is okay 🙂 .  We all falter... we all have pressures and we all feel like we fail, etc.  Life is full of challenges.

But, you keep on going!  Is fine that you have no desires and will fall back a bit.. BUT you keep at it, you're trying.

Reading & writing is good stuff!  No harm there.. I journal a lot as well, especially when a lot is going on up there.

If you NEED something, then is best you stay on it. imo

 

Is something to consider. 🙂 

So, maybe consider talking with your doctor for help with something here also med change or dosage change.  I never felt Anti depr did me any good - but we are all wired differently.  I do find the mood stablizer has been most helpful.. after i went off the anxiety meds.

 

As for your friends.. is not not quantity is quality.  I have a small bubble and i like that.  I don't have fake friends, they are real and we all struggle with something.. though I do often spend most time on my own.. (introvert, lol).  

But.. One day at a time... remember your self care . ❤️ ... Eat good stuff, get your sleep.. have your down time, etc.

I thought about it. Asking for meds, that is. But I feel like it's too soon. Like since I know what I'm anxious and depressed about, I should be able to deal with it on my own.

I also have a very negative relationship with my body and the last time ADs made me gain weight (not the pill itself, of course, no one gains weight from one pill, it's just that my appetite went crazy and I almost couldn't control the cravings, I felt hungry all the time).

But I will talk with my therapist about it, see what she thinks. For a while she thought I needed the meds, then she thought I'm getting a bit better. And I'm so dependant on various kinds of praise that I like being told "look at you, coping without meds, good job". (I do realise that being dependant on praise is also a problem)

Thank you for your answers.

Do you have any advice on journaling? In terms of how I should journal, like a diary, or a dialogue with my future/past self, or something else? I always feel silly when I journal, so I could use some advice.

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7 hours ago, waffle said:

Real relationship or not real relationship, the heart doesn't know the difference.

I'm resisting the urge to say "you'll be fine" because it sounds so dismissive, but the way you're presenting yourself here you really seem to have your head on straight.  You WILL be fine.

What helped me with the questions you mentioned above, when I was in a similar situation not all that long ago (and these may or may not apply to you, they are my experience only) was to think of things about him that didn't work, things that you actually didn't like about him (if anything, but there's usually at least one or two things even if minor), or at least things that made him not entirely right for you.  In my case, I genuinely liked the guy in question but we were incompatible on so many levels that it didn't make sense to continue on no matter how much we liked each other's company.  Every time I wanted to reach out, or hoped he'd reach out and express some sort of desire to make things work after all or declare feelings for me, I asked myself what I hoped to achieve by any of that, because the facts remained the same--we were/are incompatible.  Being in contact again wouldn't solve anything or make any of that go away.

I keep a journal on my hard-drive so I work out all my feelings in that and when I was tempted to reach out, I'd simply open that and type away.  I didn't have to worry about sounding stupid or pathetic because it's only for me and I can be as needy and neurotic as I want, ha!  And no one else has to know.

I'm sure it sounds trite but it's a process, not some sort of sudden event that will just happen when it's convenient, and there may be setbacks.  Allow yourself the luxury of occasionally acknowledging the hopes that you had for this relationship, and your prior relationship, and think about what you would like going forward.

Again, you'll be fine. 🙂 

Thank you! 

I do know that I will be fine regarding this person, I just think that the fact that it hit me so hard must mean I'm not that fine in general.

Which sucks. Since I haven't truly been fine in about a year and a half and then, when we met it was just as I started feeling better and talking to him and well, being physical with him made me more relaxed. For the first time in a long time, I was just enjoying the moments, not worrying too much about the future or the past. 

But I guess I just couldn't completely keep my feelings in check, so I was sad when I saw him with someone else and realized the only thing I can do is end it. Because I think he's one of the good ones, there was no lies, no fake promises, he did exactly what he said he'd do and that's great (even if it's seeing other people), since I felt so lied to and betrayed in my LT relationship. So it was nice to be in something open and honest even when it was the honesty that was hurting me. 

I did really enjoy his company, but I do realise that telling him that I'm fine with all that other girls, completely no commitment stuff would actually be me lying and making fake promises. So I was also honest about what I want and our wants were not the same.

What I wished to say with this is - we do have one major incompatibility - we want different things. It just sucks that he did make me feel really good and it sucks that my brain keeps playing those "it seemed real so he got scared" games when I should just tell myself "he's just not that into you" and that's it.

I will ask you too on advice about journaling. I often start but feel silly and leave it. How do you journal? I often write little poems to express my feelings, but ever since my LT relationship ended, I can't write. I hate my ex for it lol. I feel like he "ruined my writing" or whatever. I know it isn't realistic, but I haven't written almost at all since that breakup. So about journaling - what is it you do? Since I'm always bothered by it being "good", like good writing and don't know how to relax into it and just write whatever comes to mind. 

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Posted (edited)

Hey Anna,

I read your post yesterday, and I logged in to comment. I also recently just left an abusive ex, and all the posters here know my story and know that I need a break for at least a year to recover. Nonetheless, I met this man a few weeks ago with whom I clicked. He asked for us to be more than friends, and I declined as I'm still grieving over the ex, but we dicided to be friends with benefits. So just friends and sex. And well, it's so good it hurts 😞 he's amazing, caring, affectionate, giving, and is really sweet. Some signs however are making me feel that he's doing this for us to be more than fwb with time, unlike your man who left.

Well, your man really gave you a service by leaving you. I'm leaving mine this week too-despite the fact that he's great and he wants to stay with me. I think it's too much for us to handle at the time being. We are both hurt and vulnerable, and these men add to the situation. Not saying it's bad, cause thanks to them, we know we deserve and can find better! A real man to look after us and make us feel special.

But before that, I need to be my own woman. I need to be in a better headspace to be able to go out with anyone. And, so should you my friend. And now look at us, it's as if we're dealing with two breakups! Double the challenge 😕

We will come out of this situation and be fine Anna. Take this man as a reminder that you can WHEN you are ready to find someone like him who will give you even more than what he did. I believe people come in our lives for a reason, and now you know it. For now, we need to work on fixing our car and driving it by ourselves before we invite anyone in. Anyone in it will distract us (cause we're vulnerable) and lead us to crash.

I hope that helps. I'm with you!!

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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3 hours ago, AnnaKarenina said:

 the last time ADs made me gain weight 

Make sure you get an appointment with a psychiatrist who can pinpoint issues better and review what works for you and which type of treatment can be tailored to you including side effects.

Also discuss eating disorders and body image disorders.

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12 hours ago, AnnaKarenina said:

the thing with some new age psychology mumbo jumbo things is - it works for those who believe in it, like placebo

Well, if you think your therapist is only working mumbo jumbo on you then it sure is time to seek a new psychologist who provides different therapy. 

Just as an aside, merely to say CBT is not some "new agey" thing. 

Two of the earliest forms of Cognitive behavioral Therapy were Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), developed by Albert Ellis in the 1950s, and Cognitive Therapy, developed by Aaron T. Beck in the 1960s.

"According to Ellis, these are other common irrational assumptions (on the part of patients):

• The idea that one should be thoroughly competent at everything.

• The idea that is it catastrophic when things are not the way you want them to be.

• The idea that people have no control over their happiness.

• The idea that you need someone stronger than yourself to be dependent on.

• The idea that your past history greatly influences your present life.

• The idea that there is a perfect solution to human problems, and it’s a disaster if you don’t find it."

So, my advice is to seek out a new psychologist, and tell him/her at the outset that you do not wish to engage in CBT. 

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3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Hey Anna,

I read your post yesterday, and I logged in to comment. I also recently just left an abusive ex, and all the posters here know my story and know that I need a break for at least a year to recover. Nonetheless, I met this man a few weeks ago with whom I clicked. He asked for us to be more than friends, and I declined as I'm still grieving over the ex, but we dicided to be friends with benefits. So just friends and sex. And well, it's so good it hurts 😞 he's amazing, caring, affectionate, giving, and is really sweet. Some signs however are making me feel that he's doing this for us to be more than fwb with time, unlike your man who left.

Well, your man really gave you a service by leaving you. I'm leaving mine this week too-despite the fact that he's great and he wants to stay with me. I think it's too much for us to handle at the time being. We are both hurt and vulnerable, and these men add to the situation. Not saying it's bad, cause thanks to them, we know we deserve and can find better! A real man to look after us and make us feel special.

But before that, I need to be my own woman. I need to be in a better headspace to be able to go out with anyone. And, so should you my friend. And now look at us, it's as if we're dealing with two breakups! Double the challenge 😕

We will come out of this situation and be fine Anna. Take this man as a reminder that you can WHEN you are ready to find someone like him who will give you even more than what he did. I believe people come in our lives for a reason, and now you know it. For now, we need to work on fixing our car and driving it by ourselves before we invite anyone in. Anyone in it will distract us (cause we're vulnerable) and lead us to crash.

I hope that helps. I'm with you!!

Good for you for leaving an abusive ex and taking your time to heal! I really think that is the mature course to go and applaud you for that.

The thing is, I am really confused by the fact that he was affectionate and caring. And he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and I thought I was fine with that. Turns out, I'm fine with not labeling anything as a relationship, but not fine with us seeing other people, especially seeing other people during time we could have been seeing each other. He was really sweet, though. And well, I really didn't want it to be over yet, because I was enjoying it so much. But I couldn't keep it this way, and he didn't want to continue it anyway, and I guess I'm proud we ended it as maturely and as honestly as we did. 

It's just that dumb voice in my head that keeps saying that it felt real and maybe that's why he got cold and choose to spend the night with someone else - to prove to himself that he doesn't care if he was starting to care and it freaked him out.
And it sounds to me like I'm some dumb 15 year old again, telling myself what I want to hear because I want to feel special. 

In a way, I think of myself as of a broken person. And there's nothing broken people like more than feeling like they can fix other people. So I guess that when he said he didn't want a relationship because he's been hurt in the past, that dumb broken part of my brain took it as a challenge to become more to him than just a warm body.
I really need to stop doing that.

And you're right, I do need to fix my own car and drive it. It's just exhausting to feel like it's unfixable, to feel miserable all the time (due to other stuff not relating to relationships) and to then finally feel good around someone and have to let that go. Like I said in one of my previous posts, seeing him was like taking some happy pill, I felt good around him. And for me, that's so rare. I worry so much, I rarely feel good around most people and feeling so relaxed and open around him almost right away was just crazy. I was so comfortable until that night. And he seemed like he really enjoys my company too. So I do think it's plausible that he did feel we got too close too soon and wanted to end it because he's not ready for more. But I also think that it isn't good for me to think about it like that. Because it keeps me in some wishful thinking.

Funny thing is - I also have no idea what I want. Like, I'm not sure I want a relationship either. More than that, I'm sure I'm not ready for one. I guess I wanted it to continue as it is, just without seeing other people and then see if it spontaneously develops into something more. 
And I know that right now I'm better off single, but there's a part of me that wishes I just kept my mouth shut, didn't tell him I mind him seeing other people and kept having a good time. I just know that it would hurt more in the long run.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure you get an appointment with a psychiatrist who can pinpoint issues better and review what works for you and which type of treatment can be tailored to you including side effects.

Also discuss eating disorders and body image disorders.

I can't go back to meds. I really can't. I'll start completely depending on them to make me feel better. Last time I did. Last time I was on meds I felt good, but did nothing to fix my life and so it was a weird situation of watching my life go down the drain while being somewhat okay with it. 
And you live in an idealized world if you think most psychiatrists care about a person gaining 10 pounds on ADs. They say that it's a small price to pay to not feel suicidal lol. And I agree with them, ADs saved me that time, but they were just a crutch and I should have been learning how to walk again and I didn't. And for me, 2 pounds is too much, I don't want to risk it at all. 
And my disordered eating (I wouldn't call it eating disorder, it's very mild) is actually one of the rare things that makes me feel in control. I'm nowhere near ready to give it up and it isn't hurting my health at all, since my "target weight" is a completely healthy and normal weight for my height. So, at this moment in my life, counting calories and watching my weight brings me more good than harm. Like I said, I wouldn't even call it an ED, and the control I have now is comforting. I hated feeling hungry and craving food on ADs.

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30 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well, if you think your therapist is only working mumbo jumbo on you then it sure is time to seek a new psychologist who provides different therapy. 

Just as an aside, merely to say CBT is not some "new agey" thing. 

Two of the earliest forms of Cognitive behavioral Therapy were Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), developed by Albert Ellis in the 1950s, and Cognitive Therapy, developed by Aaron T. Beck in the 1960s.

"According to Ellis, these are other common irrational assumptions (on the part of patients):

• The idea that one should be thoroughly competent at everything.

• The idea that is it catastrophic when things are not the way you want them to be.

• The idea that people have no control over their happiness.

• The idea that you need someone stronger than yourself to be dependent on.

• The idea that your past history greatly influences your present life.

• The idea that there is a perfect solution to human problems, and it’s a disaster if you don’t find it."

So, my advice is to seek out a new psychologist, and tell him/her at the outset that you do not wish to engage in CBT. 

I didn't call CBT a new agey stuff and I didn't say my therapist is working mumbo jumbo. I just said that I feel like if a person has an aversion to CBT, then it's hard for it to help that particular person.

And I do believe that my therapist is quite good and I just need to open up to CBT more. 

I just can't get my head around all that "people can control their emotions" thing. In most part, because I don't feel like I can control mine most of the time. And because replacing an irrational assumption with a rational one doesn't mean you instantly start believing that rational assumption. At least, I don't. I can say to myself all the rational stuff all the time and still feel very strong emotions that arise from irrational assumptions. It's like I know that the rational stuff is true, but my "core" or whatever, something inside of me, believes the irrational stuff and no amount of logic can persuade it.

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