Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

For years I have been dating and a lot of times we’ll have great chemistry and enjoy each other’s company. There’s been a pattern for the longest time where obviously my feelings intensify as time goes, I start getting my walls down and I become a bit more forward and make myself more available.

 

I never ‘play games’, so to speak. How necessary is this in dating life? I’m wondering if the fact that I never do this prevents people from really “falling for me” or crushing on me. Because we all know the psychology of the chase.

 

I know it’s important to have a full filling life and everything. But sometimes I do wanna see the person in question over the other stuff I could do. Regardless of how social, active, fulfilled I am.

 

In order to be successful in dating, do i really have to intentionally pull myself back a bit so they can “chase” and wonder if i’m interested etc. Has being too transparent been a silly move on my part?

Edited by Jack
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Jack said:

I never ‘play games’, so to speak. How necessary is this in dating life? I’m wondering if the fact that I never do this prevents people from really “falling for me” or crushing on me.

Playing games belongs to the immature and high school. Any adult who's into playing games will never have a successful, healthy relationship with anyone (imo).

People will "fall for you" or crush on you and "chase" you if they feel any attraction to you.  Intentionally pulling back would give me the message that you are not interested. Playing games is not going to draw them to you - (for me it has the opposite effect, it's off-putting). You either have it or you don't.  What one person finds attractive, another one doesn't.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Playing games belongs to the immature and high school. Any adult who's into playing games will never have a successful, healthy relationship with anyone (imo).

People will "fall for you" or crush on you and "chase" you if they feel any attraction to you.  Intentionally pulling back would give me the message that you are not interested. Playing games is not going to draw them to you - (for me it has the opposite effect, it's off-putting). You either have it or you don't.  What one person finds attractive, another one doesn't.

I feel the same way! For this reason I never bothered to do this. But I wonder if that’s how the majority feels? Because unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect  world and human psychology is weird.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The minute I sense a guy "playing games", he is history. It shows some one is terribly insecure. Intermittent reinforcement, hot and cold, gas lighting, insinuation are all easily spotted in my books.

No one is interested I dating an adolescent.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Going on for you, for years? 😕 

Yeah.. for those who play you, are kinda inconsiderate, but of course, they won't pass up that chance of getting something..

Maybe .it's the age gap you are in?  Where way too many are not in the right head space 😕 (eg. so much baggage)..etc

So, I say, on top of all of that.. challenge, by time do hit the 'older gen', it can very much become harder to find one that is of the right mind.. and 'able' to give themselves whole heartedly.

I've given up with all of that, lol.

Mentally & emotionally spent now . 😕 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I feel like the more honest I am about the way I feel, the more people lose interest. And honestly i’m not talking about clinginess.

 

I’m sorry you feel that way SooSad33. I hope things improve for you in no time. 🙂

Link to post
Share on other sites

This pick-up artist nonsense is brainwashing you.

If you have to play games to get or keep someone, you're only fooling yourself.

It seems more like you are a bit clingy and women feel suffocated.

Be yourself, strive to be more confident and independent.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you even make the assumption that i’m clingy? You literally don’t know me. Please stop putting people down when they’re asking for advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Jack said:

I know it’s important to have a full filling life and everything. But sometimes I do wanna see the person in question over the other stuff I could do. Regardless of how social, active, fulfilled I am.

Well, yeah, of course. That's bascially how relationships work - the desire to prioritize and share our time with someone special. 

There's a difference between actually having a fulfilling a life and pretending you're busy in an attempt to make the other person more interested in you.. The latter has no place in a healthy relationship. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, yeah, of course. That's bascially how relationships work - the desire to prioritize and share our time with someone special. 

There's a difference between actually having a fulfilling a life and pretending you're busy in an attempt to make the other person more interested in you.. The latter has no place in a healthy relationship. 

I think being overeager and clingy won't work especially as a first impression -and consider that even a teensy weensy bit overeager can easily overwhelm a new person.  I did play games sometimes. 

When I was dating especially in the 1980s and 1990s (stopped dating around in 2005 when I started dating my future husband) - a woman didn't accept a date for a weekend night -prime dating time -if he called after wednesday -and that meant reaching me on a landline or a work landline - no email for a lot of that time, no cell.  So yes I would say I had plans even if the plans were with myself - because a date with myself was far more important than being an afterthought to someone.

  I almost never ever missed out on dating anyone with my rule (this was before the book the rules was published).  I know this because the guys who really wanted to date me -made a plan with me right then for the following week or called before wednesday the following week.  Most of the time I had all my weekend plans way before Wednesday -I had a busy and fun and fulfilling social life including dating up a storm - dating men who put in time and effort to make a plan with me in advance. 

I put in the same time and effort albeit in different ways (yes, in the old days women typically didn't ask men out in the very beginning -I did when I just wanted a casual date or vacation romance - not when I was looking for a potential long term partner because the men I dated were flattered by being asked out and most often didn't end up getting serious with the ladies who did so -I wasn't taking those risks).  I made sure he knew I was interested in dating him despite letting him do most of the asking out in the beginning.  Worked for me (but again I dated more traditional men - and I was a traditional woman -normal for that time period- maybe more conservative now?? - I had my intense career hat that I had no issue taking off and letting the man take the lead in these specific ways, and also on the dance floor.  Sexist?  Sure I guess so - that was my romantic life, my future marital life, not my professional life which was based on equality and still is.

I would say have a life where you don't need to play any games -you are available for the right person, you don't need to text/talk 24/7 especially to a new person and you let the person get to know you at a reasonable pace over time like unwrapping multiple layers of a special package.

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think being overeager and clingy won't work especially as a first impression -and consider that even a teensy weensy bit overeager can easily overwhelm a new person. 

I agree, but that's also not what I said nor what I suggested to OP. 

There's a pretty wide margin between being happy to share your time with someone and prioritize them, and being overeager and clingy with a new person. 

 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So if you are not getting the results you wish to have, do the opposite of whatever you are doing. See what gives you better results, and stick with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Jack said:

For years I have been dating and a lot of times we’ll have great chemistry and enjoy each other’s company. There’s been a pattern for the longest time where obviously my feelings intensify as time goes, I start getting my walls down and I become a bit more forward and make myself more available.

 

I never ‘play games’, so to speak. How necessary is this in dating life? I’m wondering if the fact that I never do this prevents people from really “falling for me” or crushing on me. Because we all know the psychology of the chase.

 

I know it’s important to have a full filling life and everything. But sometimes I do wanna see the person in question over the other stuff I could do. Regardless of how social, active, fulfilled I am.

 

In order to be successful in dating, do i really have to intentionally pull myself back a bit so they can “chase” and wonder if i’m interested etc. Has being too transparent been a silly move on my part?

No one should chase.  Give people space to get to know you so if you question whether you’re too full on choose giving the person space rather than choosing the self absorbed option of asking the person to spend time with you when you sense that less is more. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciate everyone’s opinions. But just to clarify, I was talking about cases where I have other things I can and would otherwise do (a full, active life) but the person I met takes priority cause I like them a lot. What to do in those cases, is it so bad to prioritize them?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 Share your life with someone, participate fully, share friends and activities. But you also need to have friends and do activities outside the relationship to keep things fresh and balanced.

Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, Jack said:

I appreciate everyone’s opinions. But just to clarify, I was talking about cases where I have other things I can and would otherwise do (a full, active life) but the person I met takes priority cause I like them a lot. What to do in those cases, is it so bad to prioritize them?

But who are you prioritizing? Yourself because you want to see the person or the other person who wants to see you?  Two very different things.  "Because I like you a lot" is a reason to see someone but if you're getting to know someone then prioritize both of you -so if you just saw the person yesterday and you asked the person out don't make a plan for the very next day just because "I like her a lot" -make a plan if the other person wants to see you again so soon as well. 

Otherwise err on the side of letting a person get to know you at a reasonable pace over time.  If the person asks to see you and you feel like it's not too much/too soon then yes you are prioritizing the other person.  But if you like the person a lot, feel insecure whether she feels the same so you "prioritize" seeing her -you are prioritizing your need for reassurance. Not the other person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Very valid points Batya. I’m honestly not one to keep pinging them and asking to see them everyday! That would be clingy in my book. 🙂

From what I understand based on the responses, it’s bad to intentionally play games, but it’s fair to let things brew over a slower period of time. I live in a part of the world that I won’t divulge here but people are much too cold and what’s clingy here is normal in most other places, even in relationships. So that doesn’t help my case 🙂
 

 

Edited by Jack
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are looking for some sort of strategy to get women to fall for you. Just be yourself, no games.  When you're busy, do your stuff and then get in touch when you want to see women.  It's not complicated.  Unfortunately some dating coaches advocate strategizing, aka, playing games.

In the end, people pick up the vibe of these techniques and back off.

 

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
On 5/16/2021 at 5:06 AM, Wiseman2 said:

This pick-up artist nonsense is brainwashing you.

If you have to play games to get or keep someone, you're only fooling yourself.

It seems more like you are a bit clingy and women feel suffocated.

Be yourself, strive to be more confident and independent.

I kind of have to agree with this here. If your the type of person who needs someone in their life to feel fulfilled then probably you are a clinger and not realizing it. 

I've noticed that when I date older women, they are generally more serious about what they want and are more willing to invest in the relationship early on and throughout. Sometimes, when women pull away it can be because they could be dating other people on the side or have an active social life.

Forcing them to choose between that and you is a difficult thing for many of them to do, especially if they are attractive and get a lot of attention. However, if you are also dating other people or have an active life style then you are more likely to have an abundance mindset and not worry so much when they pull away.

You see the idea of someone 'pulling away' from you is sort of egotistical. It implies that they are obligated to spend time with you and when they pull their attention away (they are playing games). Its not like that at all, its more like your just not a priority in their life at the moment and you can win them over by showing your best self. Accept the decisions they make and be fine if they do decide to pull away, because they weren't that interested and its their lost instead.

Its sort of like running a business, if you have many clients, you are likely to continue to work with clients which are interested and meet you needs. If you have only 1 client, then you are more likely to deal with late payments or bad behavior. Open yourself up to dealing with multiple clients so this doesn't become your reality.

Edited by junebug123
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Jack said:

Very valid points Batya. I’m honestly not one to keep pinging them and asking to see them everyday! That would be clingy in my book. 🙂

From what I understand based on the responses, it’s bad to intentionally play games, but it’s fair to let things brew over a slower period of time. I live in a part of the world that I won’t divulge here but people are much too cold and what’s clingy here is normal in most other places, even in relationships. So that doesn’t help my case 🙂
 

 

It doesn't matter where you live.  Treat people like individuals especially those you want to get to know better.  Letting someone get to know you over a period of time -not slowly, not fast- normal pace - is how you show someone you respect them, respect their need for space, etc -it's other-centered.  That's not playing games.  It's being a person who genuinely respects other people and wants the other person to feel comfortable around them and, if appropriate, sharing/opening up.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Jack, you have to watch the company you keep too. Create more filters when you filter through your dates and potential partners or even in your platonic relationships. 

If you feel you deserve more, go ahead and ask for it. No, demand it. You will find it. Reciprocity will come easily that way.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

However, if you are also dating other people or have an active life style then you are more likely to have an abundance mindset and not worry so much when they pull away.

 I agree with this!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...