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Plans with friends making me insecure


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Posted (edited)

Right I know how this sounds, typical jealous gf problems. Well that’s sort of true. Disclaimer this isn’t about him potentially cheating, I trust him. 
 

Me and my bf (both 28) have been dating for 2 years and recently he got his own apartment for which I intend on moving into soon also. Currently I’m staying at my parents house. My parents don’t approve of him (yawn, typical ethnic parents) and this has somewhat strained my relationship with them. Home isn’t a terribly nice place right now. So in a nutshell I’m happy about his new place and getting to see him more but obviously struggling with issues at home.

My mood feels pretty up and down because I’ve been fighting battles within myself and at home because of my parents craziness. At the same time I’m happy and I love seeing my bf more and spending more time with him.
 

He about 2 weeks ago went on a uni trip with a mixed group of friends which he doesn’t really talk about much (I’m unsure if this is relevant as hes quite an introvert isn’t expressive generally). They recently all passed final year exams and they went on a day trip to another town. He says he doesn’t expect to be friends with them soon because naturally people drift after uni etc etc plus they aren’t his ‘friend friends’. Today he tells me next Sunday he’s going London this time with uni friends. Which left me confused because he downplays them yet he’s going on these city trips with them without hesitation especially because he went recently and said he doesn’t plan on seeing them again or often etc.

I’m trying to process why this is making me a little insecure. Either it’s because I don’t know them individually/their names , or because it’s a mixed group or the fact we recently haven’t done anything interesting like go away etc. Or maybe all of those things with the home issues in the background. I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk looking like a pathetic insecure gf or just let it pass. If someone has some good thoughts to help me process things please share. 
 

Thank you 🙂  

Edited by SuperSi
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Well, there isn't a lot of information here, but it does seem kind of odd that you don't even know their names after two years. Did he not talk about the first outing to you when he returned? Any reason why he didn't introduce you or take you along?

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He’s been at uni for 4 years and we started dating 2 years into his course. I’m not at university and I don’t know his course mates. When he returned from his outing he spoke about it a little bit just about which shops they went etc but not much in depth about conversations they’ve had. He does have other friends he talks about more frequently so I know he isn’t as close with his uni friends. I’m unsure if he himself doesn’t speak about them because they’re female which is weird because that makes me feel more insecure, i’d rather know a little about them. Also I think it’s just people on the course going and not really any +1 there. Although, I wouldn’t go along just because I would feel awkward because they all know each other and wouldn’t want to the weird clingy gf who just had to come. 

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Last outing he did mention some names and spoke about them using their names for the first time. That was after I asked some indirect questions skirting around the topic. 

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

He’s been at uni for 4 years and we started dating 2 years into his course.

I see. Based on his age, I'd assumed that he'd graduated years ago. I didn't realize these were his current classmates. I don't think it's weird at all to go out with classmates here and there. 

9 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

That was after I asked some indirect questions skirting around the topic. 

I think that if you're curious about something, you should save yourself some grief and ask a direct question. And if you want to go on a trip with him, say so.

Don't worry so much about how it makes you 'look.' If he's really into you, he'll love you warts and all. He shouldn't get scared off by a moment of insecurity, and you shouldn't feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner or erase yourself.

26 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk looking like a pathetic insecure gf

 

Edited by Jibralta
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He seems to want a social life apart from you. 

Do you work or go to school? Do you spend time with your friends?

It seems you are overinvesting and overinvolved.

He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to tell you. It's that simple.

It's odd that he never socializes with you, but is always with his university friends.

Have you met any of his people? Are you afraid he's ashamed of you?

You mentioned stress at home and "ethnic parents". What exactly do you mean by this?

It would be best to get your own place or a room or house share. 

Your BF does not seem to be on the same page as you and certainly isn't responsible for your family drama.

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Posted (edited)

Just to clarify, have you met any of his friends before?

You speak about knowing some names, but I'm not sure if you've actually met any of them or not. The problem here (reading between the lines) is that you don't seem to be very integrated into his life and you two don't spend the time together that you would like (for example, going on a day trip together) It sounds as though you're worried about him doing the sorts of things you two don't really do, in fear of upsetting your parents. 

Is that where your anxiety is stemming from?

Edited by MissCanuck
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How often do you socialize with your friends? What are your friends like? If you don't have many do you want more and if so what are you doing to enable that to happen?  When I was 28 I was dating my husband -round one - and it was a given that we each met each other's friends -even friends from other cities who came into town - at least, we tried to.  We never lived together until we were engaged (round one) and that was just because the (cancelled) wedding was right around the corner.  I never needed to live with him to feel completely integrated into his life as he was into mine.  Having said that we each socialized separately with our friends - especially for one on one stuff because neither of us is a fan of having the other person along if the purpose of meeting is personal conversations between the main friends -it ruins the dynamic.  

My sense is you don't have a life apart from him -whether that's a social life, or things you like to do, volunteer work, etc.  And that exacerbates things when he does.

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13 hours ago, SuperSi said:

Right I know how this sounds, typical jealous gf problems. Well that’s sort of true. Disclaimer this isn’t about him potentially cheating, I trust him. 
 

Me and my bf (both 28) have been dating for 2 years and recently he got his own apartment for which I intend on moving into soon also. Currently I’m staying at my parents house. My parents don’t approve of him (yawn, typical ethnic parents) and this has somewhat strained my relationship with them. Home isn’t a terribly nice place right now. So in a nutshell I’m happy about his new place and getting to see him more but obviously struggling with issues at home.

My mood feels pretty up and down because I’ve been fighting battles within myself and at home because of my parents craziness. At the same time I’m happy and I love seeing my bf more and spending more time with him.
 

He about 2 weeks ago went on a uni trip with a mixed group of friends which he doesn’t really talk about much (I’m unsure if this is relevant as hes quite an introvert isn’t expressive generally). They recently all passed final year exams and they went on a day trip to another town. He says he doesn’t expect to be friends with them soon because naturally people drift after uni etc etc plus they aren’t his ‘friend friends’. Today he tells me next Sunday he’s going London this time with uni friends. Which left me confused because he downplays them yet he’s going on these city trips with them without hesitation especially because he went recently and said he doesn’t plan on seeing them again or often etc.

I’m trying to process why this is making me a little insecure. Either it’s because I don’t know them individually/their names , or because it’s a mixed group or the fact we recently haven’t done anything interesting like go away etc. Or maybe all of those things with the home issues in the background. I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk looking like a pathetic insecure gf or just let it pass. If someone has some good thoughts to help me process things please share. 
 

Thank you 🙂  

I definitely wouldn't say that your wrong for feeling insecure because it seems to me that you have it a bit under control because you understand what you DONT want to look like and at the same time it's not what you bring up it's how you bring it up.

Surely if you went in that discussion with an attitude that sort of demands a tracker on him then it wouldn't be so good. I strongly agree that if this is actually what hes doing then you should have met them because hearing about Uni trips, and Uni Parties could put you on high alert especially when 1. you don't know the peoples names, 2. can't even put names to faces and 3. Your not around to physically feel these people (Women) out with YOUR best judgment. Us guys have a way of downplaying somethings that should make the Headlines in our relationshipTransparency is owed to you if he's truly for you. (Vice Versa)

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met any of his people? Are you afraid he's ashamed of you?

You mentioned stress at home and "ethnic parents". What exactly do you mean by this?

I ask the same. '

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Girl we can't give you any real answers, only he can. You can't sit there and let him dismiss it. Stop being a weak a$$, firmly put your foot down and ask for the truth. If he won't, tell him you can't continue on with this secrecy, and show him the door. YOU have to take action or none of this will change.

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