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I have been dating my guy for almost 2 yrs and we recently moved in together.  He is insecure and has admitted it himself.  He goes through my email and phoned every now and then.  I’ve never cheated on him nor have I had any desire to.  I’m very attracted to him and in love him.  I haven’t always been up front with him but it’s more out of trying to avoid conflict and his reaction like being on social media (he doesn’t like it) or being an outlet, for someone that I’ve known since childhood, going through an extramarital affair and she was confiding in me over text.  So I guess a few times of me not being 100% open with him equates to lying by non-disclosure in his eyes.  It might be true and I understand where he’s coming from but I also have my own views like he shouldn’t be going through my phone in the first place.  I give in because I love him and want to show that I really have nothing to hide.  I would never cheat on him.  I would break up for being unhappy first before I ever cheated.  

In any case, the above was for context.  So yesterday morning, he asked me for my phone and he started to go through my texts and emails as he does.  So I decided to go through his phone as well.  Yes, I have done this with him too but only because he does this with me.  I have never ever done this with anyone in my past.  For the most part, I am a pretty secure person in all my relationships from my past and including the one I’m in now.  As far as I know, I have never been cheated on nor do I believe my guy now would cheat on me.  He does put me on a pedestal and showers me with affection.  
In any case, as I was going through his phone, I found a couple of old sex videos of him with two women from different time in his past.  I know it’s from his past but I can’t unsee it now.  😢. The horror of seeing and hearing your guy going at it with 2 other women was like a knife in my heart.  I’m disgusted, I’m broken and I’m emotional.  How does one get over that?  I’m having a hard time.

He is trying his best to be understanding and apologetic that I saw that.  He said he forgot those were still in his phone.  He assures me that he loves me so much and he would never cheat on me.  Those videos were from his past.  I’m trying to get over it, it’s just still so fresh in my mind.  As he is trying to be understanding that I am hurting, his affections aren’t really being reciprocated my me and I can see his growing frustrations and impatience with me.  I just can’t turn it off like a light switch.  I wish I could.  😰

He realizes this is a wake up call for him too and admits going through my phone is wrong.  He knows he has a lot of self-reflection to do as this is what will kill a relationship.  We also both agree to going to couples counseling.

Thoughts?

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53 minutes ago, Baps said:

 I’m very attracted to him and in love him.  I haven’t always been up front with him but it’s more out of trying to avoid conflict and his reaction like being on social media (he doesn’t like it) or being an outlet, for someone that I’ve known since childhood, going through an extramarital affair and she was confiding in me over text.  So I guess a few times of me not being 100% open with him equates to lying by non-disclosure in his eyes.  It might be true and I understand where he’s coming from but I also have my own views like he shouldn’t be going through my phone in the first place

Exactly!  he shows no respect... not acceptable behaviour.

What you do is YOUR choice.  You ARE allowed!

He is controlling you by acting this way.

 

55 minutes ago, Baps said:

 I give in because I love him and want to show that I really have nothing to hide.  I would never cheat on him.  I would break up for being unhappy first before I ever cheated.  

Right & that's the right & sensible way of things.. but this, with him is NOT simple.  he is complicating things with you due to HIS inscurities/ inability to trust.

 

57 minutes ago, Baps said:

 So yesterday morning, he asked me for my phone and he started to go through my texts and emails as he does.  So I decided to go through his phone as well.  Yes, I have done this with him too but only because he does this with me.

Yeah, this is just silly behaviour.. wow you two 😕 

 

Sadly, now you've come across something you realize you can't habdle 😕 .

You just do your best to work your way thru that - if possible.

See IF it passes.

1 hour ago, Baps said:

 He knows he has a lot of self-reflection to do as this is what will kill a relationship.  We also both agree to going to couples counseling.

Yeah, good.  Because what you two are both doing, is driving each other apart.

make sure he admits his insecurities & what he does to you!

 

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1 hour ago, Baps said:

Thoughts?

I think you have very unhealthy relationship with this guy. Going through your phone? You going through his? Are you both 16? Relationships are build on trust. Which at least he doesnt have.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Baps said:

We also both agree to going to couples counseling. Thoughts?

Agree  scrolling through each other's phones is controlling and indicates serious issues.

It would be best to invest in looking for a new place, setting up movers and talking to trusted friends and family about this abusive situation. 

If you need couples therapy after dating two years, you need to reflect on why it's so bad. 

Don't waste your time money or energy on trying to change him and his lack of integrity. "Couples therapy"  sounds good on paper, but this won't help deeply flawed situations such as patrolling and policing each other's phones.

Did you move in with him out of economic  necessity? You knew he was cheating, lying, distrustful and untrustworthy before moving in, no?

Have you had healthy relationships in the past? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Attraction is a powerful thing. It makes us justify things that we otherwise know are unacceptable and would not allow.

You are not being respected. You are being emotionally abused. 

This guy's issues can not be fixed by you.  You are actually enabling his toxic behavior and essentially proving to him (over & over) his needs are more important than yours. 

I know in my own past, I have enabled people, been a people pleaser, put others ahead of me.  And like you,  I always thought it was ok because I was strong, confident, no big deal, I can let things slide to keep the peace. Not just in romantic relationships but with friends, famiIy, colleagues.... 

But in every relationship,  eventually I would hit a point where my needs were not being met. The people that I was giving so earnestly to, did not reciprocate the same to me. 

Was it their fault? mine? It actually doesn't matter. because I had to learn.  if someone doesn't meet my needs, I need to find the people that do.  And how do I do that?  boundaries. I have to be strong and hold my boundaries.

Things may be over with this guy because you can't unsee that. But if you do decide to try to stick it out, you have to figure out what you will and will not accept and then stick to it.

That may mean 'no. you cannot look at my phone. I said I would not cheat and you have to trust that. if you don't trust that, what is our relationship based on?"

You're at a real crossroads right now. You've seen something that is lowering your attraction. I would jump on that and use it to get away from this guy. He's a loser and you can do better. 

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How old are you both?

  Is he controlling in other ways like how you dress?  Who you can have as friends?  When and how long you can go out with out him?

  I know your thread isn't about his insecurities but I thought I would ask.

So onto your question.  No you cannot unsee or unhear what you did. You knew subconsciously that he had sex with other girls before you but actually seeing is a whole different matter.  He has a lot to work on as do you.

  His falls completely on his shoulders since he brought his insecurities to the relationship.  Yours is mostly on you but some of it falls on him.  He needs to be supportive and understanding and above all patient.  If he is that insecure could you imagine if he saw a video of you going at it with some other guy?  What if the guy was built better than he is?  

  You can get over this but the shock takes some time to fade.  The images will take longer but they will fade from your memory too.  Think of it like a cut.  It scabs over and you pick at it which slows healing until you finally leave it alone and it starts to heal properly.  Eventually the scab turn into a scar and then slowly fades.  Once in a while something will cause the scar to be visible again and then fade away again.  This isn't like a switch like you said, it takes time.

 Your mind knows it was long before you but your heart feels like you walked in on him banging some side chick.  Your mind will win in the end but your heart will keep the hurt in the forefront for a while.

  Therapy to learn how to be in a healthy relationship sounds like a great idea. 

Let us know how it goes

  Lost

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So I think you like the dynamic -at least in part- you like that he is controlling because it gives you an excuse not to be your own person -I bet you've told friends no to invitations with the "my boyfriend" excuse.  And you like being put on a pedestal so you're willing to put up with the controlling part. Ever hear the saying:

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”― Albert Camus

You like him taking the lead -you see this as masculine - while he puts you on a pedestal but then also dictates what you are allowed to do in exchange for being his princess.  Examine what you are getting out of this.  It's really unhealthy behavior to have someone going through your phone -and to tolerate it - and I understand how shocking it was for you to see his old videos.  Couples counseling might help -but only if you're honest with yourself about why you've chosen to tolerate this -and it's not because you love him.  It's because you don't love yourself enough and you're being dishonest with yourself, IMO.

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Couples counseling might help -but only if you're honest with yourself about why you've chosen to tolerate this -and it's not because you love him.  It's because you don't love yourself enough and you're being dishonest with yourself,

I have to agree with the above, OP. 

You realize that in couple's counselling you two are going to need to honest with the therapist about the screwy dynamic between you and your boyfriend. Seeing him having sex with an ex is not the main problem here, and the therapist will spot that right away. They cannot treat issues like the sex videos in a vacuum. 

Are you prepared to be honest with yourself about the underlying problems with your relationship?

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Going through the phone is pretty unacceptable. Especially as you've always been pretty honest with him and never cheated or did anything wrong. I personally wouldn't date someone who goes through my phone and my E-mail. I think it's a violation of privacy and respect.

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18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Going through the phone is pretty unacceptable. Especially as you've always been pretty honest with him and never cheated or did anything wrong. I personally wouldn't date someone who goes through my phone and my E-mail. I think it's a violation of privacy and respect.

I agree but she is and is tolerating it and her main issue was that when the tables were turned and she did the same to him she was sickened by what she saw.  I think the more significant question is why she tolerates it.  As I wrote I think the clue is partly that she likes being put on a pedestal and she's willing to put up with the control -and/or it gives her an excuse to say no to things she doesn't want to do "my boyfriend won't/wouldn't let me."

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