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So I met this girl


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Howdy folks,

I'm a 25 year old guy and I've done e-dating in the past with friends I made online, usually other artists who are a part of bigger artist circles. My last relationship was 3 years ago with my ex-girlfriend who lived a few states away. She developed cancer, which rocked the boat. Don't freak out - she survived! However, I'm a FTM (female-to-male) transitioner and she identified as a lesbian. So, ultimately, it didn't work.

About a year after that time, I discovered I was bi-polar (as I was struggling heavily with depression) and sought therapy and medication for 2 years. I worked on myself as both a person and a budding young man for 3 years. I've been medicated for 5. I never quite felt I was ready for anything after my last relationship between then and now, as I was in a very rocky phase of transitioning. (Voice dropping, 2nd puberty... you know, the boring stuff.)

Now, around summer time last year, I started interacting with an old high-school friend who was using a gaming platform to chat with friends. I joined her gaming-group and started meeting everyone. I met another artist, 18, and we really hit it off. We had so much in common it was almost baffling. I didn't really think much about it because of the age gap at first, and we both categorized each other as a friend. However, I don't know how to explain it... it slowly started feeling different? I started noticing peculiar things about her more, and I would get more excited to talk to her each day. I wanted to know more about her. I genuinely liked her a lot, and some point I started to wonder in which way. (Now, for clarity, my high school friend travels a lot had already met her in person, so it wasn't like talking to a total stranger. We also have a texting group since the whole group is so close.)

Eventually, I told her I had a crush on her. She was shocked. Did NOT expect it at all. It was kind of hilarious, actually. This is the first time I started flirting with her, and she took it exceedingly well. From there, we started talking more and having longer, more in-depth calls. Nothing too out of the ordinary - we usually discuss deeper topics late at night - and open up to each other about obscure things we don't usually discuss with other people. But, we started talking about the topic of dating, stuff like that, her previous online art crush who was also FTM (but she had a falling out with). After about 6 months of talking and 3-4 weeks of discussing the possibility of a relationship, I flew out to see her. I know it was very soon but, in my defense, she told me in a call that it was the only open slot she might have for the rest of the year. So I took it. It wound up being a heck of a lot of fun since I was in Destin beforehand, so it was a huge travel adventure for me.

The night I arrived in 'Cago, we went on a date, held hands - no kissing - it didn't feel like we were at that level yet. Her friend was being silly and playing humorous romance music on the side while we were all walking to a romantic spot near the lake. Goofy, light, fun, adventurous, exciting, and eventful all around. SO freakin' cold, though. Eventually, her friend left us alone and I just listened to her talk. She has an amazing sense of humor and she showed me silly Snapchat videos. Then we compared hand sizes, and just kind of... explored hands? Squishing them, poking them, looking at them... or, in my case, noticing how wrinkly hers are! Hahaha. It got cold, so I wrapped her in my flannel and she went brain dead for a second. It was very cute. I felt so enamored! She's very inexperienced, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so we just parted with hug. It went well, and we hung around her other female friends for the rest of the trip. Later on, we talked about how we wished we had had more time alone together.

When I flew back home, we didn't talk for about 2 days and there was a lot of tension in the group. She sent me a rejection and told me she felt like things were moving too fast, and that she needed more time. We did a call later on talking about how we felt in different instances throughout the trip. It was an emotional roller coaster.

I brought up how, when I was holding her hand, it felt like how I felt with my first love. (I know, I know - that's a lot to lay out - but it didn't feel forced or overwhelming or weird. Just natural.) There were sparks going off in my hand when I held hers, like my skin was glowing... and, (I had to look this up on Reddit because I was so confused about the experience,) but I would get multiple... "affection erections"? It was so bizarre. In all my years of dating, I never felt so giddy and excited just to hold hands with someone. I felt like a kid again. The first time we locked eyes it was so... magnetic. There's really not enough words to explain how it felt to see her. Just pure magnetism on both ends. I really liked her in person. I felt like there were so many green flags. The communication was and has always been spectacular. The respect for boundaries? Extraordinary. The vulnerability? Superb. Doesn't mind me being FTM? Check. She really hit all of the right notes and I felt so much chemistry between us. We're both artists, and we connected on that level, as well.

So when she turned me down, I told her exactly what I really thought in the moment - that that's the stupidest thing ever! I couldn't believe it. By the end of the call, and after telling her how ridiculous I thought it was (not angrily, for clarification! Just shocked), and she was suddenly re-thinking everything. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad or make her backtrack at all. I was just expressing myself honestly - like - "WHAAAAT"!? We have so much chemistry, it's insane! I didn't understand. But like... whaaaaat!? She still said she needed more time and I'm respecting it. I dropped the topic all together afterwards, and I'm following her pace! After a couple of more phone calls, we really found out how differently we think about things, and how we approach relationships all-together. I'm naturally more of an affectionate smother-er while she is more the avoidant type. She knew the guy she liked before for over a year before she confessed to him, which is actually how my past relationships with friends played out, too.

Since then, we've been having all-night calls where she and I just talk for hours on end, but it's different than it was before. She even brought up my first love one night, and talked about how she felt the same, bizarre, magnetic phenomenon, sparky-electric thing I did while we were holding hands which REALLY caught me off guard. Because, in my head I'm thinking - well, if this is the truth and she's not saying it out of some act of pity and really means it - is there still some kind of chance with her? Is the opportunity for a relationship still on the table? Does she really just need more time or is she just saying what she thinks I want to hear? I genuinely can't tell. I haven't had any semi-romantic relationship with a girl since 2016, so I'm totally lost on this kind of stuff. This is my first time ever having feelings for a girl and actively pursuing them as a man as well. She even brought up more recently how the things we did in person, like holding hands, going on a date, and the online stuff we talk about as well - aren't usually things she does or talks about with friends. We talk about embarrassing and vulnerable stuff a lot now. It's very intimate which, as you can imagine, gets confusing.

Now we (as a group) are discussing the possibility of all meeting up this summer. This ties in the possibility of seeing her again. I guess I just worry about getting my hopes up after a rejection like that? I think we could definitely be friends even if it never works out. But, I guess what I'm wondering the most is if I still have a chance. I really like her. I know it's dumb because, HELLO, age-gap. But we have so much of a spark, lots of healthy communication, and a natural chemistry. It's uncanny.

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1 hour ago, sphud said:

I know it's dumb because, HELLO, age-gap.

How old is she? You're 25 - but her?

I would be cautious here. She's a plane-ride away and seems really on-the-fence. You two talk a lot now but what is the logistic feasibility of this sort of relationship?

Personally, I would not make plans to see her this summer without first clarifying where her feelings are at. If she gives you a wishy-washy answer or tells you she just wants to be friend, I would not waste any time or money planning a visit. 

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40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How old is she? You're 25 - but her?

I would be cautious here. She's a plane-ride away and seems really on-the-fence. You two talk a lot now but what is the logistic feasibility of this sort of relationship?

Personally, I would not make plans to see her this summer without first clarifying where her feelings are at. If she gives you a wishy-washy answer or tells you she just wants to be friend, I would not waste any time or money planning a visit. 

Eighteen. I was very aware of how difficult it would be going in based on my previous relationship a few years back. I've been following my heart more on this one. Before I went to see her, she told me she felt the same way. So I was surprised when she rejected me after I came back.

That's a very good idea.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, sphud said:

Eighteen. I was very aware of how difficult it would be going in based on my previous relationship a few years back. I've been following my heart more on this one. Before I went to see her, she told me she felt the same way. So I was surprised when she rejected me after I came back.

That's a very good idea.

She's very young. 

She's legal, yes, but very few 18-year-olds are going to be ready for any sort of serious relationship. They're still figuring out life and finding themselves. You've already seen this with her quick change-of-heart after you met her. 18-year-olds are fickle. That is going to become even more of a challenge due to the distance. 

Speaking realistically, I would not hold out too much hope here. There's just too much working against you. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Your descriptions sound more like a lot of overthinking/over analysis where you miss the basic points.  She doesn’t want a relationship with you - long distance is hard enough but being on the fence - then it’s a non starter.  If she thought there was a chance at a relationship and wanted one of course she wouldn’t sabotage it.  Feeling incredible chemistry doesn’t mean the person wants a relationship with you.  My sense is that she sees all the incompatibilities and then the age gap plus geography and the downsides outweigh the upsides.  Whether she’s 18 or 38.  You’re making it more complicated so you can rationalize rather than accept simple truths.  Long distance is hard - I know that firsthand- but hard logistically - stressful logistically- but if both people are 100% invested of course it can work.  She’s not and she’s told you so. Accept this and back off - your sexual orientation has nothing to do with my opinion. 

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Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She's legal, yes, but very few 18-year-olds are going to be ready for any sort of serious relationship. They're still figuring out life and finding themselves. You've already seen this with her quick change-of-heart after you met her. 18-year-olds are fickle.

I agree. I'd definitely move on. And don't read too much into things like this:

On 5/15/2021 at 7:00 AM, sphud said:

In all my years of dating, I never felt so giddy and excited just to hold hands with someone.

The fact that you're feeling something for the first time doesn't make it prophetic. It's just a new experience, and you will have many of these as life goes on.

Remember what Shakespeare said, "Life.... is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Edited by Jibralta
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5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

 "Life.... is a tale told by an idiot,signifying nothing."

That's a bit insulting, very judgmental fellow this Shakespeare guy lol

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Well, I think to be honest that there's not really much point in having a relationship unless you can spend more time together in person. Even though you really liked her, you shouldn't be pushy if she's not sure about having a relationship. There are two people in a relationship so it has to be not just on your side. If she wants to see you again in person, you could go and visit her again. And just see how it goes. But really just because you talked online and connected well, doesn't mean there is that chemistry in person though. There needs to be that spark and physical attraction as well in real life. Otherwise it's just a friendship. 

To be honest I think this girl is not really a good candidate for a serious relationship. I understand you have transitioned and you want to be with a woman who likes transgender men. I think you can still find that on dating websites and in GLBTIQ Meetup groups and those kinds of events. I think you may have more success if you date a girl your own age and in your area, or at least not as far away. Having a long distance relationship is really hard.

This girl is very young and you said yourself she's inexperienced. It doesn't really sound like she knows what she wants. At least not yet because you haven't spent much time in person yet.

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Posted (edited)

Hey everyone,

Thank you for your responses! I certainly appreciate the feedback.

The girl and I are still very good friends - we talk nearly every day in our friend group. I agree that it would work more in my favor to find someone locally and closer to my age. I'm realizing I've been receiving poor advice from my friends, and I suppose I'm feeling as though I've been misguided. No one is to blame, but I wish I had received more realistic advice from the get-go opposed to figuring all of this out now.

Thank you for the help, again. Have a blessed day.

Edited by sphud
typo
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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why aren't you seeking a local relationship where can actually interact with people.  

 

1) I don't know anyone. I'm in a military family that has moved around the entire state my whole life.

2) I've been without a car for nearly 2 years since my sibling totaled my car.

3) I take online college courses which I get paid for, so my job is my schoolwork.

4) This is why I'm at home all the time.

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On 5/17/2021 at 11:04 AM, Hollyj said:

You never leave your home?  Is there public transport or people in your area?

"Never" is overdoing it. I do leave the house, and there are Ubers. However, the Ubers aren't very consistent.

I don't live in the city. I live in a boring, small town where you need a car to get anywhere fun with people. I just went to a bar recently and met some new contacts there. I used to have a job in New Orleans where I worked fine dining all the time, and now I've been living back home in this town where I don't know anyone. Covid happened around the same time that I moved, so it was just terrible timing.

I also have two drug addicts for siblings, so most of my past year has been spent watching them to make sure they don't commit suicide. My sister overdosed last year (almost died from a muscle disease) and my brother overdosed twice this year. Neither of them have sought help. My mother is an alcoholic buying drugs from my brother and my father is emotionally unavailable. I'm the only one in the family trying to find a solution. It's been hard to make friends with everything that's been going on.

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