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I've had quite a life thus far and not on a bragging note but on a I wish it was different or cleaner.

I'm in a relationship trying to honor and respect the wishes of my Lady Friend. She could get emotional easily in arguments we have or certain discussions and sometimes it makes me feel like an abusive guy. I thought I was sensitive as an individual but maybe I'm not as sensitive as I thought I was because sometimes or most of the time her emotions get to me and makes me think of my trash past.

We have this huge dilemma with me msging female friends Specifically female friends I've had a sexual past with. I understand that totally and how she feels about it but I struggle with ending friendship with one of them....My Dad's Ex....

She and I had a dark past involving sex, she's around 27 and the way it happened was that we were both single and at a vulnerable stage in life carpooling together to go to work..

So to make this long story short, aside from the sex which ceased way before my gf came in the picture. My dad's ex who's like my closest and best friend/sister has been a positive push in my life and also motivation one of the female friends who im being asked to cease conversations with now that she knows our history that I opened up and shared out of trying to be transparent....Not to mention this woman is also the mother of my baby brother....

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Were you a minor when she started having sex with you? If you were, she's the perpetrator here.

Moving forward though, you probably shouldn't have any contact (private messages) with anyone from your sexual past. That is just asking for an affair to happen. 

Messaging friends is fine, but women you have a past with looks very bad.

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Am I reading this correctly?  You had sex with your Dad's Ex??  The mother of your brother? And you're still in contact with her and messaging her?  I can understand why your girlfriend isn't too crazy about this.  I second the post above.

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7 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

 ....My Dad's Ex....She and I had a dark past involving sex, 

Was it a three-way or after your father and she ended things?

Are you, your father or she sure it's your "baby brother" and not your son?

Get a paternity test. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was it a three-way or after your father and she ended things?

Are you, your father or she sure it's your "baby brother" and not your son?

Get a paternity test. 

 

9 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Were you a minor when she started having sex with you? If you were, she's the perpetrator here.

Moving forward though, you probably shouldn't have any contact (private messages) with anyone from your sexual past. That is just asking for an affair to happen. 

Messaging friends is fine, but women you have a past with looks very bad.

No I wasn't a minor, I'm older than her. She was about 26 and I was probably 29 when this happened. When we stopped it was just good vibes since then. Nothing negative. Like she was the only person I talked to on the daily because I wasn't close to anyone else.

My mom barely communicates or wants company.

And my sisters are doing their own thing so it kinda sucks to not have those important female figures when you need them. 

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8 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Am I reading this correctly?  You had sex with your Dad's Ex??  The mother of your brother? And you're still in contact with her and messaging her?  I can understand why your girlfriend isn't too crazy about this.  I second the post above.

Yes that is correct.

My girlfriend actually is bothered by the whole thing and It bothers me because its not an Ex, its a good friend that i crossed lines with. So much fun, support, and good talks were in that friendship which makes it a pain to yield to what my gf is asking.

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I think you figure out, you should not tell current partners your old business.  Not that you should lie and keep this secret.  it is more than just unusual to have an ex that is also an immediate family member.

Why aren't you closer to your girlfriend? Why isn't she the woman (female figure) in your life? 

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13 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you figure out, you should not tell current partners your old business.  Not that you should lie and keep this secret.  it is more than just unusual to have an ex that is also an immediate family member.

Why aren't you closer to your girlfriend? Why isn't she the woman (female figure) in your life? 

I did it because I wanted to have that transparent relationship but I see that not all information can be shared because once it's out I can't change how it makes someone feel. I'm close but not as close as I should be and maybe it's because everyone I've ended communication with was to prevent more emotional outbreaks rather than love and respect.

Giving me the opportunity to make the right choices vs getting emotional and storming out of the place or getting in loud arguments.  

8 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Am I reading this correctly?  You had sex with your Dad's Ex??  The mother of your brother? And you're still in contact with her and messaging her?  I can understand why your girlfriend isn't too crazy about this.  I second the post above.

Yes that is correct.

My girlfriend actually is bothered by the whole thing and It bothers me because its not an Ex, its a good friend that i crossed lines with. So much fun, support, and good talks were in that friendship which makes it a pain to yield to what my gf is asking.

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55 minutes ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

Yes that is correct.

My girlfriend actually is bothered by the whole thing and It bothers me because its not an Ex, its a good friend that i crossed lines with.

Of course she's bothered by it!  This woman is your Dad's Ex!! I think the vast majority of people would be bothered by the whole thing. That's really crossing lines.  I can't get my head around the fact that you can't understand this and expect her to feel comfortable about the fact that you had sex with your Dad's Ex and still message her and stay in contact with her.  I can't even imagine what your Dad must feel/think.  It's all just too bizarre (imo).

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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

Of course she's bothered by it!  This woman is your Dad's Ex!! I think the vast majority of people would be bothered by the whole thing. That's really crossing lines.  I can't get my head around the fact that you can't understand this and expect her to feel comfortable about the fact that you had sex with your Dad's Ex and still message her and stay in contact with her.  I can't even imagine what your Dad must feel/think.  It's all just too bizarre (imo).

I never forced her to be ok with it but im saying that it's tough to just drop her as a friend and pretend she doesn't exist.

I know the situation sounds pretty wild and it is. As for my dad he forgave me for it but I guess he felt he had no room to condemn me when he looked at the pain he's caused people (My mom being one of them)

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2 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

So much fun, support, and good talks were in that friendship which makes it a pain to yield to what my gf is asking.

End it with the GF .  You're resentful and feel she's raining on your parade with all your fun friends/lovers.

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4 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

And my sisters are doing their own thing so it kinda sucks to not have those important female figures when you need them. 

The important female now should be your girlfriend.

It's sad really, that you got involved with your dad's ex... 😕 .

Do you struggle with feeling good about yourself, where you tend to turn to women to try & feel better?

Because, IMO, once that ended (which sad it ever began), you really should have just gotten away from her.

How long have you been involved with your GF?

 

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4 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

 

4 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

I did it because I wanted to have that transparent relationship but I see that not all information can be shared because once it's out I can't change how it makes someone feel. I'm close but not as close as I should be and maybe it's because everyone I've ended communication with was to prevent more emotional outbreaks rather than love and respect.

Giving me the opportunity to make the right choices vs getting emotional and storming out of the place or getting in loud arguments.  

 

Omissions of truth and facts will flatter an individual for as long as the farce goes on but over time (years down the line) in longer term relationships, those veils come off.

By that time you have either wasted your time or your partner's time, realizing that you are not compatible. All that could have been saved by being transparent. No, you did not do the wrong thing being transparent. 

The dating phase is to find out whether you're compatible. You both are clearly not. 

Encourage each other to re-evaluate the whole relationship. You call her a Lady Friend. What is this exactly? Is she a girlfriend or partner you're committed to or do both of you have problems committing to one another because of aggression, resentment and alternate versions of the truth? Never compromise your peace of mind for someone else. 

If you prefer to have your exes as friends, you are entitled but not everyone will agree with you. Transparency and honesty is always best. There is nothing more disillusioned than thinking that your partner doesn't know or won't find out. 

 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

The important female now should be your girlfriend.

It's sad really, that you got involved with your dad's ex... 😕 . yeah I hate myself for it and my dad knows how I feel about it. It happened out of trying to help out and give her a ride to work with me since she got hired where I worked.

Do you struggle with feeling good about yourself, where you tend to turn to women to try & feel better? Honestly I believe I do, people say that your girlfriend is the only woman you'll ever need but I don't think I can believe that. I think my upbringing not having my mother when I needed her the most and the fact that she's still alive and is still sort of M.I.A bothers me deeply. Sisters whom I have no relationship with and no sort of communication as well gets to me low key. I strive not to make it a crutch to my life but after deeply evaluating myself I can see and feel that those are problems in my life.  Feeling unimportant and seeking validation. Seeking affection the same affection my mom showed until I was 7 right before she faced prison for almost my whole life.

Because, IMO, once that ended (which sad it ever began), you really should have just gotten away from her I really wish I could've done things different.

How long have you been involved with your GF? We have known each other almost 2years and been together a year and 3 months 

 

 

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Aww wow 😕 .. sorry about the issue's with mom.  That's difficult, for sure.

Have you done therapy at all thru your years?  That is helpful.. to regain composure & that, that's damaging behaviours, etc.

So, do you feel you can and should stop interacting with this.. woman?  Can you not let go? (as it seems you know you should) - Even to have different friendships.. how about guy friends?

I have friends of both kinds, but ONLY of decent friendships... they are kind, real and trustworthy.

 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Encourage each other to re-evaluate the whole relationship. You call her a Lady Friend. What is this exactly? Is she a girlfriend or partner you're committed to or do both of you have problems committing to one another because of aggression, resentment and alternate versions of the truth? Never compromise your peace of mind for someone else.  Yes she is my girlfriend, I don't think she has the issue committing to me as she's told me she's given up her male friends completely for me.  I guess that means sexual and non sexual, but I never asked her to surrender clean friendships I just said that I would want to meet them to make my own judgment. I don't have an issue committing to her either I guess I have to like you said reevaluate the relationship.

If you prefer to have your exes as friends, you are entitled but not everyone will agree with you. Transparency and honesty is always best. There is nothing more disillusioned than thinking that your partner doesn't know or won't find out. No I don't prefer to have my Exs as friends, and she's not my ex either we never dated.  That is what was avoiding, having that odd feeling of holding back something.

 

 

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52 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Aww wow 😕 .. sorry about the issue's with mom.  That's difficult, for sure.

Have you done therapy at all thru your years?  That is helpful.. to regain composure & that, that's damaging behaviours, etc. I have not, I need to tackle that area of my life so that I can be a better man to her or anyone that I'm trying to build a future with. I've damaged others and myself in my pursuit of Happiness and it really sucks to think back on.

So, do you feel you can and should stop interacting with this.. woman?  Can you not let go? (as it seems you know you should) - Even to have different friendships.. how about guy friends? I feel that I can do it, but then I feel like once I do this, who can I talk to? I can have deep conversation with my gf but then theirs moments where I can't talk to her and so I shut down and just want silence.

I have friends of both kinds, but ONLY of decent friendships... they are kind, real and trustworthy.

likewise but I don't socialize with them often because I have no bond with them, I haven't opened up to them like I did to my best friend. . I've also opened up to my gf but the difference is that she can't handle too much of what I been through.

my dad's ex knows alot about me because she's dealt with similar problems and worst, I'm not attracted to her to date and all but she just became an outlet and good friend to me and supported me on my art and all so to drop her takes a strong substitution. simply for my girlfriend to listen and understand without a judgmental mind which makes me afraid  to open up 

 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

 

 So much fun, support, and good talks were in that friendship which makes it a pain to yield to what my gf is asking.

This says you have an unhealthy emotional attachment ... it's unfinished business if you have such strong feelings for this woman. These are feelings, joys and attachment, that should be reserved for your GF. I can see why this is casting a shadow over your relationship. Carrying on with intimate chats, / conversations is pretty much an extension of your affair....an emotional one.

Edited by smackie9
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1 hour ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

my dad's ex knows alot about me because she's dealt with similar problems and worst, I'm not attracted to her to date and all but she just became an outlet and good friend to me and supported me on my art and all so to drop her takes a strong substitution. simply for my girlfriend to listen and understand without a judgmental mind which makes me afraid  to open up 

I see... so you feel able to talk about all with her.

 

Have you explained this much to your GF?  That you are NOT into your dad's ex at all that way?

Is true.. does help if we are able to find someone out there who 'gets us'.

 

 

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17 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I see... so you feel able to talk about all with her.

I talk about somethings but not all things with my gf and it's out of fear.

Have you explained this much to your GF?  That you are NOT into your dad's ex at all that way? I believe I have, but she struggles with the part that we have had sex Or anyone that I liked and pursued even if I never engaged with them sexually.

Is true.. does help if we are able to find someone out there who 'gets us'.  Yes it is

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

talk about somethings but not all things with my gf and it's out of fear.

Ok, I meant dad's ex... of whom you do feel fine to talk to..

4 minutes ago, Onlyhuman90 said:

but she struggles with the part that we have had sex Or anyone that I liked and pursued even if I never engaged with them sexually.

So the gf has some insecurities 😕 .  I doubt YOU can cure that going on.

How is all between you two anyways?  is it okay?  You get along?

Or do YOU feel maybe this isn't going so well? - Has been 2 yrs?

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19 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This says you have an unhealthy emotional attachment ... it's unfinished business if you have such strong feelings for this woman. These are feelings, joys and attachment, that should be reserved for your GF. I can see why this is casting a shadow over your relationship. Carrying on with intimate chats, / conversations is pretty much an extension of your affair....an emotional one.

But I don't really want intimacy, I don't want private hangouts. I tried to basically bring everything to the light, and she reaches out to my gf to have girl talk and my gf dodges her.

One of my biggest concerns are when it comes to my brother like if I had to cut his hair or see him.. For now I can go through my dad but my dad isn't going to always be here 

 

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30 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ok, I meant dad's ex... of whom you do feel fine to talk to..it's not good and since my relationship I have not spoken to my dad's ex on anything I couldn't talk to my gf about. My dad's ex aka Stepmom knows alot about me and the mistakes I've made. She's had a pretty rough life even in dealing with my dad and what he's dropped in her life. so all of that has caused her to mature in how she handles things when hearing about the good bad and ugly. 

My gf is mature to certain things that doesn't involve stories of me socializing with a female. Over the phone or text.  

How is all between you two anyways? We are actually good for the most, we laugh and play around as well as talk. But when it comes down to women we are like enemies.   Specifically this topic to be direct

 

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Okay... well all you can do is hope she 'gets over it'.... and I am sure you don't constantly talk to women.. but to have gal friends, is fine!

Also, I am sure she has been re-assured that there's nothing between you and dads ex.

Hopefully, her insecurities don't get the best of her 😉 

That stuff can build and really affect a relationship.

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