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Is my boyfriend being honest about this?


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Posted (edited)

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years and we've been living together for about 6 months. We've had some issues, but we're working on it. We both moved to a new state from our home states. We love where we live and we're happy here. About 3 years ago, I dated a guy for six months and then we broke up and after that I messed around with another guy for about a month. We're still friends. Even though we don't live in the same state, we do text every now and then. My boyfriend is totally okay with us being friends. He's said this many times and I'm honest and transparent about our conversations. Occasionally my boyfriend says, "you're just with me until he gets his life together and then you'll leave me for him." He says that he's always joking when he says that or if he says anything like that. I worry that he really thinks that and he's masking his feelings with comedy. 

I always forget to add stuff. So, the guy I messed around with, I knew him for about 8 months before we we're "together." 

Edited by GageCh
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Just now, tattoobunnie said:

Don't texting with the other guy.  Period. He adds zero value to your current relationship.  I don't care if it's platonic.  It doesn't make your relationship stronger or better.

Should I stop talking to all of my friends then? I'm friends with my ex as well and I have several other guy friends. 

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I don't know why you need your bf to spell this out for you. No, he's not comfortable with it. Yes, he is masking it with comedy/humour. If you are unsettled by his method of communication but are torn whether or not to stop talking to this ex, reconsider whether you're on the same page. 

It sounds like your boyfriend fears your reactions or doesn't want to anger you. He's walking on eggshells around you.

It's completely up to you whether you want to keep your exes as friends. Others might be ok with it. 

I suggest talking more frankly with your boyfriend and sitting down with him. Be prepared for a heart to heart without getting upset or angry.

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

I don't know why you need your bf to spell this out for you. No, he's not comfortable with it. Yes, he is masking it with comedy/humour. If you are unsettled by his method of communication but are torn whether or not to stop talking to this ex, reconsider whether you're on the same page. 

It sounds like your boyfriend fears your reactions or doesn't want to anger you. He's walking on eggshells around you.

It's completely up to you whether you want to keep your exes as friends. Others might be ok with it. 

I suggest talking more frankly with your boyfriend and sitting down with him. Be prepared for a heart to heart without getting upset or angry.

We've had this conversation before though. He says he is okay with it. I've asked like several times. 

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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Have you discussed with your bf how you feel about this comment? 

I think that exs' can be friends, as long as there are no emotional connections on either side.

Yes, about a day after he said it, I asked him if he was serious or joking and he said joking and that he wasn't really worried. I guess from tons of outside views, now I'm not so sure that he's being honest. 

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2 minutes ago, GageCh said:

Yes, about a day after he said it, I asked him if he was serious or joking and he said joking and that he wasn't really worried. I guess from tons of outside views, now I'm not so sure that he's being honest. 

If that's the case, let him know that if it's not an issue you would appreciate he not make those comments because they're confusing and cause you to doubt what he says. Keep working on that communication together.

Until he can shoot straight and be a bit more straightforward without these insertions it's always going to be a moment of confusion when it comes to your exes.

If it doesn't bother him, he needs to follow through and not insert comments that can be interpreted as sarcastic/bitter/resentful (don't say this outloud). 

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I'm having trouble with trust right now because he lied to me about something important a month ago. That's what we're currently working on. We're rebuilding the trust and I've said this before, but I need time to trust him again, so when he says something I feel skeptical that he's not being totally honest. 

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In jest there is truth. So yes, I do think your bf is bluffing that he is OK and perhaps he wants to be OK with you chatting away with this guy, but deep down he is not actually OK with it.

Considering that this was a short lived fling.....it's kind of odd that you insist on remaining friends with this particular guy and it does come across like you might be carrying a torch for him. 

It really comes down to this - who is more important to you? Your long term bf and his feelings or some dude you had a short fling with. Please don't do the whataboutism regarding other guys you have as friends. He isn't taking issue with them, just this one, which means that he can sense some attachment there that is not quite kosher. Looking in from the outside, I tend to agree with that. You seem very determined to maintain contact when you should lose the number and should have done so long ago.

Realize also, that most people will have a problem with you pulling a train load of ex's turned friends and see that as toxic behavior. That's quite different from having genuinely platonic opposite sex friends.

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Just now, smackie9 said:

if you want some answers you can't be vague with "we are working on an issue about something that happened a month ago."

Details will help us out a lot.

Okay, a month ago, I found out that my bf lied to me about money that his company supposedly owed him. Turns out they didn't owe him anything and he had quit his job almost 2 months ago without talking to me about it first, so basically for the last almost 2 months, I've had to pay our bills and we've were so backed up, but he has a new job now and we're slowly getting caught up. I'm working on moving on from this emotionally and mentally and learning to trust him again. 

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2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

In jest there is truth. So yes, I do think your bf is bluffing that he is OK and perhaps he wants to be OK with you chatting away with this guy, but deep down he is not actually OK with it.

Considering that this was a short lived fling.....it's kind of odd that you insist on remaining friends with this particular guy and it does come across like you might be carrying a torch for him. 

It really comes down to this - who is more important to you? Your long term bf and his feelings or some dude you had a short fling with. Please don't do the whataboutism regarding other guys you have as friends. He isn't taking issue with them, just this one, which means that he can sense some attachment there that is not quite kosher. Looking in from the outside, I tend to agree with that. You seem very determined to maintain contact when you should lose the number and should have done so long ago.

Realize also, that most people will have a problem with you pulling a train load of ex's turned friends and see that as toxic behavior. That's quite different from having genuinely platonic opposite sex friends.

I see your point. I was friends with him before our short fling. I chose to remain friends with him because we were friends before that happened. 

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1 minute ago, GageCh said:

Okay, a month ago, I found out that my bf lied to me about money that his company supposedly owed him. Turns out they didn't owe him anything and he had quit his job almost 2 months ago without talking to me about it first, so basically for the last almost 2 months, I've had to pay our bills and we've were so backed up, but he has a new job now and we're slowly getting caught up. I'm working on moving on from this emotionally and mentally and learning to trust him again. 

You'll have to figure out whether you are 100% invested in this relationship going forward. 

From the way I'm seeing this you have bigger fish to fry. Try not to overcomplicate matters with exes and third parties. Get your finances straightened out together and build more togetherness. To rebuild that trust you both can't have issues like this hanging between the both of you. Talk it out. Be willing to get rid of those third/fourth etc wheel exes hanging out in the picture. If you're not ready to let go of your old life, why are you building a new one with someone else? 

Can you pinpoint what this particular ex means to you? Does he remind you of a simpler time? More carefree? Is he a more responsible version of your boyfriend? What is he to you or what is he in reference to your past, present, future? If you can pinpoint his relevance in the big picture, you may be able to recognize why you're still attached having him as a friend. 

 

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2 minutes ago, GageCh said:

I see your point. I was friends with him before our short fling. I chose to remain friends with him because we were friends before that happened. 

I think having opposite sex friends is healthy and important even. However, those friendships do need to be genuinely platonic and mutually so 100%. The moment one or the other or you both cross into more than friendship, well....you aren't genuine friends anymore. It does become a bit of a sham friendship that can turn to become something else at any given moment.  So I hope you can see where anyone you date may take issue with that and become insecure about it or simply opt to walk away from you because they don't feel safe with you.

Given the other info about work, this guy is definitely super insecure and afraid to show it. When things happen, he opts to hide and pretend all is normal when it's not. That's consistent with his joking about your "friend" as well.

This is a situation where you both need to learn to trust each other. What I'm saying is that for him to learn to be honest about bad times and his genuine emotions, he needs to trust and feel safe disclosing them to you. Hope that makes sense for you.

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Can you pinpoint what this particular ex means to you? Does he remind you of a simpler time? More carefree? Is he a more responsible version of your boyfriend? What is he to you or what is he in reference to your past, present, future? If you can pinpoint his relevance in the big picture, you may be able to recognize why you're still attached having him as a friend. 

 

This is loaded question. I don't talk to him everyday. We talk maybe once or twice a month. He's in my home town. I don't know. Maybe it's that he's home. I moved about a month into our fling and maybe deep down I feel like we never got a chance to be anything. I don't have feelings for him like love, but it's sort of always in the back of my mind that we never got a chance. With that being said, I do love my boyfriend and I see how in so many ways, he's good for me. But I am scared that he's going to hurt me and it's not going to work out because I've had issues with that before. I was married for 12 years and that didn't end well. I was in an abusive relationship and because of that I have trust issues. If any of that makes sense. 

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, GageCh said:

. I moved about a month into our fling and maybe deep down I feel like we never got a chance to be anything. I don't have feelings for him like love, but it's sort of always in the back of my mind that we never got a chance.

I can bet you almost anything that your bf can absolutely sense this and this is unfair to him and your relationship. If you want a healthy relationship, stop bringing toxic behaviors into it and sabotaging what you have going. This has nothing to do with trust issues on your end. You are creating trust issues on his end and you are hurting him, which is ironic.

Edited by DancingFool
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1 minute ago, GageCh said:

am scared that he's going to hurt me and it's not going to work out because I've had issues with that before. I was married for 12 years and that didn't end well. I was in an abusive relationship and because of that I have trust issues.

 

2 minutes ago, GageCh said:

I am scared that he's going to hurt me

Gage. Perhaps it would be best to address these issues first and foremost (outside any relationship I mean). Being scared is not a good foundation for a relationship. 

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43 minutes ago, GageCh said:

Occasionally my boyfriend says, "you're just with me until he gets his life together and then you'll leave me for him." He says that he's always joking when he says that or if he says anything like that. I worry that he really thinks that and he's masking his feelings with comedy. 

Like I have heard before.. there's always a little truth in 'joking'...

He sounds a little insecure 😕 .. ask him to stop that.. Omg, was only a month.. nothing real.

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6 minutes ago, GageCh said:

I don't have feelings for him like love, but it's sort of always in the back of my mind that we never got a chance. With that being said, I do love my boyfriend and I see how in so many ways, he's good for me. But I am scared that he's going to hurt me and it's not going to work out because I've had issues with that before. I was married for 12 years and that didn't end well. I was in an abusive relationship and because of that I have trust issues. If any of that makes sense. 

Yeah.. this is not good 😕 .

You have deep rooted issue's.. so do you feel this really isn't going to work out in the long run?

Is there a reason you actually agreed to move in with him?

Is maybe a good idea to look into some therapy - as not everyone is out 'to hurt you'.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Is maybe a good idea to look into some therapy - as not everyone is out 'to hurt you'.

I totally endorse this suggestion SS. I felt reluctant to say this. Glad you did. 

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, GageCh said:

Okay, a month ago, I found out that my bf lied to me about money that his company supposedly owed him. Turns out they didn't owe him anything and he had quit his job almost 2 months ago without talking to me about it first, so basically for the last almost 2 months, I've had to pay our bills and we've were so backed up, but he has a new job now and we're slowly getting caught up. I'm working on moving on from this emotionally and mentally and learning to trust him again. 

This is important information. He went to some length to hide this from you, so I'm guessing you think he's a serial liar and won't admit this guy friend doesn't bother him, am I right?

I wouldn't change things for him, but what about yourself? Is it really that important to be in touch with this person? What value does he have to your life? What benefit to you does he have?

Most people don't hang onto people like collecting a charms for a charm bracelet. What's wrong with moving on and eliminating people from your life? Do you feel kinda obligated to them in some way? Afraid that there might be some "emptiness"?

As I got older I realized the guys that wanted to hover around my life were just waiting for a dating opportunity, and no real "friendship" because of their intentions...keep that in mind, because I was like you. Had lots of guys "friends" but most turned out to be orbiters.

Edited by smackie9
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9 minutes ago, GageCh said:

This is loaded question. I don't talk to him everyday. We talk maybe once or twice a month. He's in my home town. I don't know. Maybe it's that he's home. I moved about a month into our fling and maybe deep down I feel like we never got a chance to be anything. I don't have feelings for him like love, but it's sort of always in the back of my mind that we never got a chance. With that being said, I do love my boyfriend and I see how in so many ways, he's good for me. But I am scared that he's going to hurt me and it's not going to work out because I've had issues with that before. I was married for 12 years and that didn't end well. I was in an abusive relationship and because of that I have trust issues. If any of that makes sense. 

If I was dating someone who had open-ended questions about romantic connections of the past and these were still active friendships, I would be prepared to end the relationship. This ex needs to go.

Additionally, your boyfriend's lying or hiding information from you about his work or what was owed to him has also caused cracks. I'm not sure a lot of people would see the person in the same way after lack of full disclosure. You may have lost respect for him but you are not able to say that or recognize that because of your loyalty in the relationship. 

You're with your boyfriend because you care about him genuinely but you've lost respect for him and you don't trust him. The ex is a mental/emotional cushion for "what if". What if I break up with my boyfriend? I won't fall as hard because I'll be able to fall back on an ex and monkey branch to another relationship. And you have fallen hard and flat because of issues in your past marriage. The ex is a backup plan in case your current relationship doesn't work. 

You're at a fork in the road where you can choose to work on your relationship or walk away from it, seeing that you lost respect for your boyfriend and don't feel the same way about him. Maybe this will take years and affairs in the process while you figure it out. The problem is you don't trust your boyfriend and I think the way you feel about him has changed.

 

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