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New bf is developing the relationship too fast and I am freaking out.


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Hello. I am 28 years old (f) and I am dating a very nice 28 year old man. He is the sweetest and most kind person I have ever met, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months. He has told me that he has never felt this way and that he is in love for the first time after a long time (his last big relationship ended when he was 24), which is very nice and flattering. We are having a very good time together.

I have ptsd from past relationships. My first longterm (18-23) was with an abusive man got me in severe depression and insomniac episodes, an abortion, and a lot of violence (physical and verbal). When I got out of this I met my second relationship after a year, which was a very good person that I loved very much, but was very cold emotionally distant and made me feel unsure about our future together. He took care of me and loved me but I believe I just wasnt the "one" for him or he was to young to commit to something more serious (I could and I wanted to marry, even though he was not as emotional and sensitive I was). This relationship ended because of long distance that occured for the last year that could not be solved. I also started losing interest in him (sexual) and I saw him more than a best friend/brother. We did not end it on bad terms and we talk once a week (the most) for 10 minutes. (the relationship ended last year around June but lets say officially at september.

My new bf is nothing like I have ever seen. He is understanding and nice, he likes doing things for me all the time to keep me happy he is not hotheaded and I like him a lot. Sex is very good too. I just feel like I need more time emotionally to be able to express myself and I feel like he is on a rush. On the other hand I was exactly like that with my ex (fell too fast and he could not follow, but in the end he might never really felt that much) so I am worried now. Am I projecting? Am I becoming my past experiences of rejection? 

Last night I told him that I spoke with my ex (he asked if we still speak) and he got sad. He told me that he can understand that I want a friendly relationship with that man but that he thinks its too soon and it is making him uncomfortable. He also said that he wants me to tell my ex about him (something I dont feel ready to do yet, we discuss everything but not our sexual and romantic interest yet, even though I hope that we will get there.) I dont know what to do.

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46 minutes ago, shishi2 said:

I just feel like I need more time emotionally to be able to express myself and I feel like he is on a rush.

I think you'd better honor your feelings. 

Why are you keeping your current boyfriend a secret from your ex-boyfriend, though? That makes no sense to me. I can understand why your current boyfriend would be uncomfortable with this. 

Edited by Jibralta
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47 minutes ago, shishi2 said:

  I feel like he is on a rush.

Last night I told him that I spoke with my ex 

It's unclear how, after 3 mos dating at a normal pace is "rushing things".

It's equally unclear why you are sabotaging it.

It sounds like you would rather be with your ex and you are telling this new guy that.

 Make sure you have regular medical and psychiatric care and ongoing support from a qualified therapist to address the abusive relationships.

Overall you don't seem ready to date anyone. Focus on your physical and mental health first.

It's unclear why you are talking to and trying to get back together with the abusive ex .

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7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think you'd better honor your feelings. 

Why are you keeping your current boyfriend a secret from your ex-boyfriend, though? That makes no sense to me. I can understand why your current boyfriend would be uncomfortable with this. 

Because when we broke things of we agreed to stay friends and said not to talk about romantic and sexual experiences to each other (because of egoistic jealusy and things like that might ruin it) until we are both ready. He is in a medical situation for the past 2 months and he repeated to me that he wants to talk but he does not want to know if I have a new boyfriend or not he is not ready for this. And I respect this.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear how, after 3 mos dating at a normal pace is "rushing things".

It's equally unclear why you are sabotaging it.

It sounds like you would rather be with your ex and you are telling this new guy that.

 Make sure you have regular medical and psychiatric care and ongoing support from a qualified therapist to address the abusive relationships.

Overall you don't seem ready to date anyone. Focus on your physical and mental health first.

It's unclear why you are talking to and trying to get back together with the abusive ex .

I have not talked to the abusive one for years. I mean the second one. Most of my friends have stayed friends with their exes. He is really important to me as a person and I want him in my life.

Rushing things for me is: He is repeating how much he likes me and how I am his girlfriend he introduces me as that to everyone and he makes plans for us for the near future (three months from now). I dont know how to act. Nobody has ever been that expressive with me and I dont want him to feel rejected.

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2 minutes ago, shishi2 said:

He is really important to me as a person and I want him in my life.

So he's not an ex, he's an on/off BF and it seems you are using this new guy as filler.

Make sure your therapist and doctors are helping you to avoid this drama and unhealthy ways of using people in your triangles.

Set the new guy free and take your chances with on/off guy.

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12 minutes ago, shishi2 said:

Because when we broke things of we agreed to stay friends and said not to talk about romantic and sexual experiences to each other (because of egoistic jealusy and things like that might ruin it) until we are both ready. He is in a medical situation for the past 2 months and he repeated to me that he wants to talk but he does not want to know if I have a new boyfriend or not he is not ready for this. And I respect this.

Why? No, seriously asking why? Its fine that you talk(little weird because you are exes but OK) but not saying that you have somebody because he might go balistic over it or whatever? Your current boyfriend is right about that, you should tell him that you have a boyfriend. I mean, you do know that you are pulling back both of them like this? Current one for not commiting from some reason(maybe even that ex bf) and ex one because you still give him hope for something while in the relationship with another man. You should work that through because its a cycle that doesnt benefit neither of you 3. You make boyfriend think you still want the ex, you make ex think he still has the shot and you make you thorn up in between of them.

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1 hour ago, shishi2 said:

I have not talked to the abusive one for years. I mean the second one. Most of my friends have stayed friends with their exes. He is really important to me as a person and I want him in my life.

Rushing things for me is: He is repeating how much he likes me and how I am his girlfriend he introduces me as that to everyone and he makes plans for us for the near future (three months from now). I dont know how to act. Nobody has ever been that expressive with me and I dont want him to feel rejected.

Nothing to do with how "expressive" he is -which is quite a clinical term to use about someone you're in a relationship with.  It's because you're not that into him, he senses this and is responding by being needy and clingy -what you call "nice" - but he's not being nice because he's reacting to his insecurities -the more you pull away the more he repeats how much he likes you because he's looking for reassurance, the more he keeps announcing to the world you are his girlfriend since somehow he hopes that will bond you to him. It does the opposite.  Of course you know how to act -you're afraid of being alone but you're still into your ex. So instead of being honest and telling him nicely "this is too much for me, too fast, please back off a bit" you are telling yourself you "don't know" how to act and he is "so nice". 

Nice is a confident person interacting with another person in a way that makes the other person comfortable -which might mean giving the other person space.  The confident person is able to be in tune with that because he is confident of the other person's reciprocal interest and that if there is no interest he will be ok.  This guy is being self absorbed and wanting you to react to his constant "I like you/I am falling in love with you" by reciprocating.  The more you pull away the needier he gets.  That's not nice at all.

Please do let him go and find someone who is into him.  I think it's awesome to be friends with exes as long as it's truly over, you've both moved on and current partners are ok with it.  

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5 hours ago, shishi2 said:

I have ptsd from past relationships. My first longterm (18-23) was with an abusive man got me in severe depression and insomniac episodes, an abortion, and a lot of violence (physical and verbal). When I got out of this I met my second relationship after a year, which was a very good person that I loved very much, but was very cold emotionally distant and made me feel unsure about our future together.

I feel YOU are moving along way too fast, while still deeply affected by your past relationship.. and to be involved again, is not such a good idea.

 

5 hours ago, shishi2 said:

Last night I told him that I spoke with my ex (he asked if we still speak) and he got sad. He told me that he can understand that I want a friendly relationship with that man but that he thinks its too soon and it is making him uncomfortable.

What you choose to do at your end is your choice, as he is just your friend..

BUT, I still say you admit to your bf now, that you are just not 'ready' to be involved again...

Take some serious down time to focus on YOU only.

No more involvements.. and look into some prof help to help you work through your damages.. so, eventually you will ne be so scarred and affected when you get involved again... You can't be dragging your damages on into your other relationships..

Take your time.. work on YOU for now . ❤️ 

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5 hours ago, shishi2 said:

Because when we broke things of we agreed to stay friends and said not to talk about romantic and sexual experiences to each other (because of egoistic jealusy and things like that might ruin it) until we are both ready. He is in a medical situation for the past 2 months and he repeated to me that he wants to talk but he does not want to know if I have a new boyfriend or not he is not ready for this. And I respect this.

Then you should end things with the current guy. You are still too involved with your ex to be involved with another person. It's not fair to the current guy.

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You remind me of how I was a few years ago. I was emotionally unavailable and would always find ppl expressing feelings as annoying and suffocating. You shouldn't be talking to your ex regularly and not telling him u have a new bf isn't cool. 

 

Be single. 

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4 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

He's not actually rushing anything. I think you're emotionally unavailable and need to stay single. You are using your bf and it's not nice nor fair. 

I agree with the above statement that you are not emotionally available.  You're sabotaging this relationship - it seems like you're not used to being treated well (after an abusive relationship) and don't know how to handle it.  Perhaps some counseling/therapy may help you to understand where all this is coming from and why.

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Maybe you are having a hard time to accept the love because of the pattern that you have been through in your previous relationships. Perhaps you wanted the kind of love and affection from your ex/previous boyfriend, that your current boyfriend is showing already showing you. deep down you are still talking or in touch with your ex because to a certain extent the feelings are still there, and they are never going to completely disappear, and the fact that you are dating someone new in a short span of time is making it harder for you to process what you really want to need in a relationship, and the kind of a guy that YOU really want to be with. 

I would suggest you keep getting to know the current man in your life at your own pace, take some space and time if you need to clear your head, and maybe not get too close with your ex, especially if you see no future or whatsoever in that relationship, because it can affect the longevity and the future of your current relationship ❤️ 

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20 hours ago, shishi2 said:

 he repeated to me that he wants to talk but he does not want to know if I have a new boyfriend or not he is not ready for this. And I respect this.

This makes no sense, and I can absolutely understand why your boyfriend is not happy anout it. You're prioritizing an ex's feelings above your boyfriend's. 

This man is an ex. If he is not "ready" to hear you're dating someone else, you two should not be in contact. That is not a friend but someone who is still holding out hope and has feelings for you. 

Sorry, shishi, but I don't think you are ready for a relationship yet. 

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2 hours ago, ap20 said:

Maybe you are having a hard time to accept the love because of the pattern that you have been through in your previous relationships.

I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This man is an ex. If he is not "ready" to hear you're dating someone else, you two should not be in contact. That is not a friend but someone who is still holding out hope and has feelings for you. 

I agree. You are blurring the lines in your relationships, Shishi. If you don't strengthen your personal boundaries, you will continue to find dysfunction. 

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