I need help!!! Is this going somewhere?

[LDR_1988]

Ok folks, hear me out!

I have started seeing this guy end of last year. We live in different cities (5h apart) but I knew him from work and when he knew I was in his city, he asked to whether we should go out. From then on I kept it VERY minimal from my side so he was always the one reaching out first, calling me, asking me to see him etc. He was also the one asking me whether I want to be his GF after about 3-4 months. We saw each other every 3-4 weeks roughly.

Now, being in the relationship for a few months, it is still him calling me almost everyday, texting throughout the day, even telling his parents about me, introducing me to his friends etc. We already went on a few trips together and always had a great time. BUT I want to see him as often as possible and he is more or less fine seeing me once a month. I even feel like he his putting a lot of pressure on the time we spent together because he always wants to “entertain me” - so he always asks me “what should we do?” a week before I come and I feel like it really stresses him out when I say that we can also just stay in and chill. We both work a lot, also on the weekends and I think he hates it when he has to work and we can’t really spent quality time together. Sometimes I feel like he sees me as something so special that he always wants to make sure he can give me full attention when we spend time together and sometimes I feel like I am the only one in this relationship who wants to just be together. But then again he is so proactive with communicating, calling a lot and just telling me about random things currently going through his head etc., texting me throughout the day, sending pictures..

Maybe I am overcomplicating this but I think there is a big gap in expectation right now. I want to see him und just be around him more and he wants to be close via communication but is fine with seeing me less because it always puts him under pressure to “perform”. 
 

Anyone who has experience with this kind of situation? I don’t really know what to do... 😞

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, seem like a normal long distance to me. You are both busy people so you make time when you can and hear from each other through the day. Sounds like that he trully does likes you a lot. I dont really see a problem. At least not a problem that cant be solved with conversation. Say that you want to see him more and that he doesnt have to bend over backwards and that you can just chill tohether and try to work it out. 

[Wiseman2]

How far apart are you? Is he married?

Unfortunately he seems to want more of a LDR than you do. Focusing on no-brainer, no-cost, no-effort texting. 

Texting is not dating, no less a relationship. It's not surprising you're frustrated.

Does he visit you? Has he met your friends, family etc.?

He seems to be busy with someone/something else. At some level you know that.

Decide if a part-time relationship is what you want to stay stuck in.

[LDR_1988]

No, someone else is for sure not the problem. He is not married, his parents know about me, I have met all his friends and he has met mine.
And we talk pretty much daily for 1-2 hours, sometimes he also calls me over lunch just to have a quick chat but usually we talk long hours in the evening. And when we see each other it is always for a week or so, we both have full visibility into each other’s life.

But what I fear is that we just have different expectations when it comes to LDR. And that he always thinks he has to have a full schedule planned out for when I come. But all I want is just be around him, nothing fancy but more often!

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, LDR_1988 said:

No, someone else is for sure not the problem. He is not married, his parents know about me, I have met all his friends and he has met mine.
And we talk pretty much daily for 1-2 hours, sometimes he also calls me over lunch just to have a quick chat but usually we talk long hours in the evening. And when we see each other it is always for a week or so, we both have full visibility into each other’s life.

But what I fear is that we just have different expectations when it comes to LDR. And that he always thinks he has to have a full schedule planned out for when I come. But all I want is just be around him, nothing fancy but more often!

What is wrong with him asking what you would like to do? 

Just hanging around at his place gets very boring very fast. Try to participate other than just showing up and making him do all the hosting, planning, etc.

"Just want to be with you" seems a bit clingy. Try to research his area and come up with a thing or two to do.

Besides visiting and texting what would you like to see happening with this? 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, LDR_1988 said:

And we talk pretty much daily for 1-2 hours, sometimes he also calls me over lunch just to have a quick chat but usually we talk long hours in the evening.

I agree, this is a bit much!  What's wrong with a cpl texts thru the day and maybe one, 2 calls a week?  Is he maybe a little needy?

 

5 hours ago, LDR_1988 said:

But all I want is just be around him, nothing fancy but more often!

I get it.. so speak up & mean it.  Nothing wrong with just laying back & enjoying each others company... so again, speak up and IF he doesn't 'get it', maybe pull away.. As I feel he isn't 'meeting your needs' here. 😕 

[DancingFool]

Sounds like he is very focused on putting on a performance and is therefore not being genuine with you at all. When someone isn't genuine....that is quite a red flag. I think your own intuition is telling you correctly that this "performance" is not sustainable for the long term. It's also the sort of a thing that often leads to an abrupt break up as the "performer" burns himself out or you see their clay feet.

All you can really do is stop going along with it and actually put your foot down firmly on wanting to netflix and chill rather than run around. You actually do need to see what is behind this performance mask he insists on wearing around you. Basically, do speak up AND follow through with your actions and see what happens. Do not let him bulldoze you with plans. If he won't budge or respect your wishes to slow down, I'd politely exit this situation. A man who ignores your wishes and bulldozes you is an even bigger red flag, it's actually a total deal breaker.

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just hanging around at his place gets very boring very fast. Try to participate

Yes. Absolutely. 

I cannot imagine anything more boring than non-stop Netflix and "chilling". 

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Yes. Absolutely. 

I cannot imagine anything more boring than non-stop Netflix and "chilling". 

Who said anything about nonstop?

This guy is refusing to see her but for once a month because he refuses to relax and just be and will only see her when he can devote time to a whirlwind performance. 

A couple SHOULD be able to do both - chill when needed and relax around each other as well as go out and do fun things. Everything in balance. The point OP is making is that he'd rather not see her than relax and chill. That is not good and quite frankly, not normal.

[LaHermes]

Hey DF. Lol.  I said "non-stop".  Freedom of speech and all that, you know!

[LaHermes]

9 hours ago, LDR_1988 said:

BUT I want to see him as often as possible and he is more or less fine seeing me once a month.

That is the heart of the matter, OP.  Regardless of whether you have a wild social whirl or deep relaxation when you do meet, if once a month is not sufficient for you, then perhaps the relationships needs re-thinking.  or

[Rose Mosse]

13 hours ago, LDR_1988 said:

Sometimes I feel like he sees me as something so special that he always wants to make sure he can give me full attention when we spend time together and sometimes I feel like I am the only one in this relationship who wants to just be together. But then again he is so proactive with communicating, calling a lot and just telling me about random things currently going through his head etc., texting me throughout the day, sending pictures..

Maybe I am overcomplicating this but I think there is a big gap in expectation right now. I want to see him und just be around him more and he wants to be close via communication but is fine with seeing me less because it always puts him under pressure to “perform”. 
 

Anyone who has experience with this kind of situation? I don’t really know what to do... 😞

LDR might not be for you. You're going over to see him and he stays put at his place. He gets to hang out at his own house all the time. For you it's like an airbnb and you just want to put your feet up. You both would do better if you could date properly locally and spend time equally at each others' places. The situation is stagnating pretty bad if you're feeling uncomfortable and uneasy at this early stage. 

It's exhausting to keep up with constant texts throughout the day. This screams to me someone who isn't comfortable with quiet and silences or doesn't find is own company pleasant. He needs constant company and that's a red flag to me. I don't care how sociable a person is. If he/she isn't able to be at rest or at peace with their own thoughts for 6 or 12 hour stretches at a time for ie, that person sounds like he's looking for a distraction more than anything. No one wants to feel like a constant sidekick or a distraction for someone else's boredom. 

You'll see if this lasts in the coming months. He seems very anxious overall if he's doing all the initiating. Where do you see yourself in all this long term or is this a time pass for you?