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Came home from abroad for a visit in March 2020/ Got stuck in Canada due to Covid/ Met someone..now, do I leave or go back?


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Posted (edited)

Basically just what the title says.

I (40m) was living abroad in Asia for the last 5 years, with no plans to come home and live permanently in Canada. Last year, in March, the Canadian gov't called everyone back and I thought I would return home for a visit until Covid blew over. Cut to; 1 year later and Covid is still a major Bee in all our bonnets.

The plan was always to go back to Asia when air travel and border entry was allowed again. However, I met someone in February and he (39m) is the best thing to happen since sliced bread. He is kind and emotionally mature. He has a good sense of humor and treats me well. Our communication is stellar. Its really easy and healthy. He also has a newborn baby girl. (He paid a surrogate and she was born in Nov 2020). We are an instant little family and I am in love with them both.

I do however feel like I am getting kicked around by the universe like a soccer ball, emotionally speaking.

As much as I love this new relationship, I also need to tie up loose ends with the life I left abroad. I wasn't done it yet! Nor had I thought about giving it up. I have been feeling like I am trapped in Canada and had always intended to go back....Now I don't know.. Do I go back to finish it up and say goodbye and do one last walk around my neighborhood and and and..all goodbye to all the things I didn't know I was going to be leaving like I did.. I miss it over there. I miss the culture and freedom and the traveling and the lifestyle. It's just different..Nourishing on a soul level.

I love him I do. ( and her ). Its been only 3 months. I don't know if I am supposed to choose one or the other, or if I am supposed to be cool and just see how it unfolds? I am not exactly a spring chicken.. so maybe this is my only shot at love? am I ready to be a dad? am I ready to give up my life there? My friends? my job? My home?

HELP!

Edited by takewhatuwant
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  • takewhatuwant changed the title to Came home from abroad for a visit in March 2020/ Got stuck in Canada due to Covid/ Met someone..now, do I leave or go back?

What is left for you abroad?  What are those "loose ends"? 

Think it outloud or write it here. Figure out what being abroad means to you. You take the world with you wherever you go because you're a living, breathing being who's processing and interpreting everything around you, even at the local level. Nourishment is whatever you want it to be whether it's in your own living room, in your backyard, 10,000 km away on a white sand beach or back on the gravelly rocks of Canada. When you can learn to nourish your soul wherever you are, you've found total peace - contentment and joy in living on a day to day basis without the rat race and chasing after imaginary things or objects or material wealth.

You're wondering about this man and his daughter although it's only three months. It's limerence and infatuation now, not love. Love takes a longer time to develop through hard times and more challenges. While it's fun to date and meet new people, try figuring out what your life means to you and what else you have to do on your own. You alone get to unlock your own happiness. I think you spent a lot of time with your partner experiencing his happiness and forgot yours. So what is it?

 

 

 

 

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18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What is left for you abroad?  What are those "loose ends"? 

Think it outloud or write it here. Figure out what being abroad means to you. You take the world with you wherever you go because you're a living, breathing being who's processing and interpreting everything around you, even at the local level. Nourishment is whatever you want it to be whether it's in your own living room, in your backyard, 10,000 km away on a white sand beach or back on the gravelly rocks of Canada. When you can learn to nourish your soul wherever you are, you've found total peace - contentment and joy in living on a day to day basis without the rat race and chasing after imaginary things or objects or material wealth.

You're wondering about this man and his daughter although it's only three months. It's limerence and infatuation now, not love. Love takes a longer time to develop through hard times and more challenges. While it's fun to date and meet new people, try figuring out what your life means to you and what else you have to do on your own. You alone get to unlock your own happiness. I think you spent a lot of time with your partner experiencing his happiness and forgot yours. So what is it?

 

 

 

 

Love this. Thank you.

My happiness is there. It is effortless there. Here, it happens sometimes, but the knowing is not as strong. I am healthier and laugh more there. Here, it is all about the rate race and there it is all about living. Here, it all about getting rich through real estate and who has the best stroller...

Its not me.

 

 

 

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Well, there ya go... You admitted it!

Do not stop now, because you met up with a 'nice guy'.

You have stuff happening still back home.  Then do plan to go back to that.

As mentioned.. this has only been going on for 3 months.. that's they 'honeymoon phase'.. things will change.

You two barely know each other.. as it's always great in the beginning, but don't avoid back home because you met up with this guy....

In ways, I also feel for him.. that he may be 'acting' nice & all.. BUT, he may also be feeling some pressures, as he's got his little one and now someone new as well.. Imagine what's going on in his mind.. Maybe just a tad overwhelmed?

So, I suggest you carry on as planned.  Go back.

You two can plan to continue on with chats etc.. and see IF it continues well, while you're gone.

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4 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

. I miss it over there. I miss the culture and freedom and the traveling and the lifestyle. It's just different..Nourishing on a soul level.

 am I ready to be a dad? am I ready to give up my life there? My friends? my job? My home?

You don't sound even remotely ready to give up your life in Asia (imo).  Only 3 short months with this guy, so no, I wouldn't say you're ready to be a dad either.  I say go back. You clearly have a much stronger pull there.

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Posted (edited)

I agree with the others in that you should go back to your life in Asia, but although it has only been 3 months, every long term couple was once at that stage too and then, with time, it turned out to be their person.

He might be your person too, so I would definitely keep on with the relationship and see if it develops further with time. If he’s your person then he will always be your person regardless of where you are and the challenges you face. You can reevaluate further down the track if things get more serious. Who knows, he may end up relocating to Asia or spending several months there for a trial time if you become more serious. 

It doesn’t necessarily have to be one or the other if you are the right people for each other. It may be slightly more complicated logistically at the moment, but you have nothing to lose by giving it a try. Also, the separation will be a good opportunity for you and he to adjust to him being a father without the whole instant family aspect. He can do his dad thing and you can do your boyfriend thing and develop slowly that way. If things don’t work out then you haven’t lost the life you spent the last 5 years building.

Edited by LotusBlack
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Posted (edited)

Well, whether or not you're ready to be a Dad only you can answer really...Can I suggest though to be careful and not rush this relationship and not get too attached too soon, especially to the baby. My old housemate is a lesbian and back in the day she began dating a woman with a baby/toddler girl as well. They were together about 2.5 years or so. So my housemate brought up the child basically like her own and the girl was even calling her "Mum". I'm pretty sure the woman had bad mental health issues and was some kind of compulsive liar. Anyway, when they broke up, it wasn't on good terms. They never spoke again and she never saw the little girl again. The reason why I'm saying don't get too attached is because you aren't her  Dad, not just not biologically but even in general. It's only been three months and that's not very long. I don't think you should be thinking if you want to be a father because you don't know how this relationship is going to go yet. If you want to be with this man then you could stay in Canada and see how the relationship goes. No offence though but you are not this girl's Dad or father figure because you haven't actually been around that long.

Edited by Tinydance
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17 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

Love this. Thank you.

My happiness is there. It is effortless there. Here, it happens sometimes, but the knowing is not as strong. I am healthier and laugh more there. Here, it is all about the rate race and there it is all about living. Here, it all about getting rich through real estate and who has the best stroller...

Its not me.

It's all perspective. I did chuckle reading that. It sounds like Kitsilano here in Vancouver. I hope you find happiness. Life is too short. 

 

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18 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

I am not exactly a spring chicken.. so maybe this is my only shot at love?

Mostly everything has been said as far as good opinions, so I'll just address this. Nope, this will very unlikely be your only shot. In my case and so many others I know, mostly with first marriages that ended, so many people meet their forever partners in mid-life, and also in their elderly years.

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16 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You don't sound even remotely ready to give up your life in Asia (imo).  Only 3 short months with this guy, so no, I wouldn't say you're ready to be a dad either.  I say go back. You clearly have a much stronger pull there.

I agree with this.  You aren't ready to stay here in Canada.  Not yet.

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15 minutes ago, takewhatuwant said:

How to have both? Hmmm

Well you can't unfortunately lol Is it urgent to return to Asia? If it's not super urgent, maybe give your relationship more time. See how everything is going. If in six months it's still going strong, maybe that's a good sign and he could be "the one". But if you break up then you'll have your answer to go back to Asia.

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