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Posted (edited)

Hi,

I have been with this guy for 3 years now and I think he's female friend has feeling for him. I wouldn't care about this but I recently found out that my partner has been giving his some of his company benefits to her for some time now. I love him and I don't want to be controlling, but this seems to make me feel some kind of way. I don't know how to approach this situation. I can't talk to my friends about it because they will obviously give a biased opinion about the situation. Need some advice. Please help.

 

Edited by Joyjo
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4 hours ago, Joyjo said:

I recently found out that my partner has been giving his some of his company benefits to her for some time now.

^ Could you elaborate on the above please?  What company benefits is he giving her?

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Well we get free cable and internet... and gave his to her... It's not a lot but I already spoke to him about how I don't feel comfortable with the messages she sent him in the past . So I thought the boundaries were already set because he did not speak to her for a whole year.

 

 

 

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Just now, Joyjo said:

I don't feel comfortable with the messages she sent him in the past . So I thought the boundaries were already set because he did not speak to her for a whole year.

What messages? Is she flirting with him?  How long have they been friends?  Do you trust your boyfriend, or suspect he's interested in her?

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13 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Could you elaborate on the above please?  What company benefits is he giving her?

Well we get free cable and internet... and gave his to her... It's not a lot but I already spoke to him about how I don't feel comfortable with the messages she sent him in the past . So I thought the boundaries were already set because he did not speak to her for a whole year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

What messages? Is she flirting with him?  How long have they been friends?  Do you trust your boyfriend, or suspect he's interested in her?

They went to the same high school and college, so I'd say it has been more than 15 years. She was complaining about him basically ignoring her for weeks ( those were the first weeks of our relationship). And said told him that her child (from her ex) hated him. He doesn't flirt but he did have some real deep conversations with her in the past.

Edited by Joyjo
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13 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

So I thought the boundaries were already set because he did not speak to her for a whole year.

And how and when did they get back in touch?

There seem to be some missing pieces here. You were under the impression they hadn't spoken for a long time, and now it turns out he's giving his company benefits to her. There has clearly been a reconnection somewhere along the way.

How did you find out she was enjoying these benefits?

 

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5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how and when did they get back in touch?

There seem to be some missing pieces here. You were under the impression they hadn't spoken for a long time, and now it turns out he's giving his company benefits to her. There has clearly been a reconnection somewhere along the way.

How did you find out she was enjoying these benefits?

 

Just a few weeks ago she messaged him and told him that the months internet service subscription wasn't renewed when I had his phone. I just slid down the notification panel so the message won't show as read. I'm not sure how long this has been going on because he got me a separate internet service subscription a year ago when I asked if I can use his. He said he will be using his own and he was so I left it at that.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Joyjo said:

 my partner has been giving his some of his company benefits to her for some time now. 

How did you come across this info?

What type of benefits? Do they live together as domestic partners or are they in a sham marriage?

How exactly does someone "give company benefits" away?.

It seems like they are a lot more than friends and much closer than you and he are.

Is he ripping the company off?  Make sure you keep everything separate from him. Get your own accounts. 

Everything he is getting through his work, is something they have access to and can monitor.

Edited by Wiseman2
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36 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

Just a few weeks ago she messaged him and told him that the months internet service subscription wasn't renewed

I think this is your cue that they've been in contact a lot longer than you know. 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you come across this info?

What type of benefits? Do they live together as domestic partners or are they in a sham marriage?

How exactly does someone "give company benefits" away?.

It seems like they are a lot more than friends and much closer than you and he are.

I came across all the information from his phone.. yes I saw the messages and started looking through (I understand that's wrong). 

We have been living together for three years now.

To give the internet and cable service away he just needs to put down the residence he wants it to go to.

 

I was afraid they may have been more than friends. And I just don't know how to bring it back up when we have already had this conversation.

 

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3 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

To give the internet and cable service away he just needs to put down the residence he wants it to go to.

How can he use your and her address?

Get your own internet/cable.

If the company owns the account, they have full access to it, including your posts here.

Your BF seems much shadier than you think he is.

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think this is your cue that they've been in contact a lot longer than you know. 

I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to bring it up without causing a big fight. I'm hesitant to leave because aside from the above issue, he does everything and anything for me.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How can he use your and her address?

Get your own internet/cable.

If the company owns the account, they have full access to it, including your posts here.

Your BF seems much shadier than you think he is.

Thanks will get my own internet. 

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6 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

I'm hesitant to leave because aside from the above issue, he does everything and anything for me.

Then I guess you have to decide what you want more:

A) a relationship where you can openly discuss things that are important to you, and where both of your actions are transparent -OR-

B) a partner who does everything and anything for you -OR-

C) all of the above. 

Options A and C may not be possible with your current boyfriend, but don't let that stop you.

It's actually a very simple, practical decision. You just have to be honest with yourself.

 

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Just now, Capricorn3 said:

If you're living together, don't you already have internet?  (sorry, just a little confusing).

I'll stop using the internet he got me and will get my own from a different service provider or something. 

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9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Then I guess you have to decide what you want more:

A) a relationship where you can openly discuss things that are important to you, and where both of your actions are transparent -OR-

B) a partner who does everything and anything for you -OR-

C) all of the above. 

Options A and C may not be possible with your current boyfriend, but don't let that stop you.

It's actually a very simple, practical decision. You just have to be honest with yourself.

 

So what do you think about this.. ( since I'm alone I need another opinion on my action plan) ...

Steps: 

1. I'll talk to him about the issue that I'm having and try to keep it as cool as possible. Resolve the issue at hand and hopefully come to a compromise and agree to transparency.

If option 1 fails

2. Suggest some time off from each other to think about things. Maybe a few days or weeks.

3. Attempt step 1 again.

 

4. Time to move on because it will bother me to live like this.

 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

1. I'll talk to him about the issue that I'm having and try to keep it as cool as possible. Resolve the issue at hand and hopefully come to a compromise and agree to transparency.

I think you should definitely do this.... but what are you willing to compromise? Will you agree to him paying for half her internet and cable? Or just her internet? Or just her cable? Or do you want him to stop paying for all of it and stop talking to her altogether? 

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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

3. Attempt step 1 again.

4. Time to move on because it will bother me to live like this.

Go with #5. Start looking for a place (or get him out), or move back home.

Get your own utilities and internet and TV and rent and all bills etc in your own name.

It's ridiculous to live together and threaten a faux breakup and space, which is of course a thinly veiled manipulation to express your jealousy.

Just leave. You can't and don't trust him.

Repeatedly talking at someone then repeating  talking at someone when talking at someone isn't working makes no sense. 

What is he going to say? Don't snoop through my phone, stop using my internet? How is snooping "transparency"?

In the meantime, go to friends or family to use the internet and change all the passwords on all your accounts.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I think you should definitely do this.... but what are you willing to compromise? Will you agree to him paying for half her internet and cable? Or just her internet? Or just her cable? Or do you want him to stop paying for all of it and stop talking to her altogether? 

If I really think about it, I don't mind him giving his internet and cable benefits to her. She's a single mom and she may need it. I just want him to at least tell me that things are happening. Or if they are talking tell me so I can be at ease. 

I hope that is not too much ask of him.

 

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go with #5. Start looking for a place (or get him out), or move back home.

Get your own utilities and internet and TV and rent and all bills etc in your own name.

It's ridiculous to live together and threaten a faux breakup and space, which is of course a thinly veiled manipulation to express your jealousy.

Just leave. You can't and don't trust him.

Repeatedly talking at someone then repeating  talking at someone when talking at someone isn't working makes no sense. 

What is he going to say? Don't snoop through my phone, stop using my internet? How is snooping "transparency"?

In the meantime, go to friends or family to use the internet and change all the passwords on all your accounts.

Straight to the point... Cool makes everything simple. Thanks

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19 minutes ago, Joyjo said:

If I really think about it, I don't mind him giving his internet and cable benefits to her. She's a single mom and she may need it. I just want him to at least tell me that things are happening. Or if they are talking tell me so I can be at ease. 

I hope that is not too much ask of him.

I don't think that's too much to ask. But I wonder why he didn't tell you what he was doing in the first place.

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think that's too much to ask. But I wonder why he didn't tell you what he was doing in the first place.

 

I wonder about it also. Well I hope I can have some transparency if I get into a new relationship...

 

 

 

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