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Vacation with my ex...or not!


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Quick story short...my ex and I were together for about 1 year and then on and off, but called it quits this time last year. We remained friends and keep in touch on a regular basis. Neither of us have had the chance to travel these past 12 months, something we both really enjoy and used to do together. I have been wanting to solo travel (at least) around the country we live in, but I am/was fearful as there have been a few high profile cases of sexual violence against women and difficult race relations in our region. So I had put off my travel plans for this reason. 

On a recent catch up call we had (he called to congratulate me on some news) he asked if I have had the chance to travel, and I explained that I've been wanting to, especially for my birthday that's coming up, but that I have some fears (as explained above). He said that if I wanted to go away somewhere that he would be happy to come along to provide "security". I ended up booking a weekend away in about a month's time, and told him that if he's free the dates I booked, that he was welcome to join. 

He confirmed that he was free that weekend, and that he would like to come. However, since then it feels like the mood has changed slightly. He has since gone cold. 

I'm really not sure why, or what to do now. Should I withdraw the invite? Or just leave it, not raise it again and just go solo?

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How have things changed between the two of you in the past year? In your thread a year ago you seemed to be reluctant to be "just friends". 

Are you hoping to reconcile? Honestly? If not, it shouldn't matter if he's "cold".

I vote for either going solo or inviting a friend to come along.

 

 

 

 

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No, it's not about a reconciliation. That hasn't come up at all nor did I think that that's where we were headed. We have transitioned into friendship, or at least that's what I thought. But this sudden change in mood has thrown me a little. 

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47 minutes ago, Darlington said:

But this sudden change in mood has thrown me a little. 

The fact that you can still be "thrown" by his demeanor makes it seem you still have lingering romantic feelings for him.  And if his moods "throw" you, it's probably a bad idea to travel together.

I mean, what if he goes "cold" while you're in a hotel room? Or out to dinner?  Would that ruin the trip for you?

 

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58 minutes ago, Darlington said:

But this sudden change in mood has thrown me a little. 

Can you describe this change of mood? What, exactly, has he done to give you a sense of his mood shifting? 

The reason I ask is because one big difference between a romantic interest and a genuine friend is that we're generally not so thrown when there is a shift in mood. Maybe they're a bit more lukewarm than usual, even cold, but it's not a big deal because we're secure in the friendship, the meat of it. 

Whatever the specifics of you two, maybe this is a good moment to check in with yourself, and ask how sincerely secure you are in the idea of you two being friends. 

 

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Nope.

I would refrain from unnecessary travel due to the pandemic.

But mostly i would not vacation with him. You can travel safely by being prepared (don't look like the lost tourist) and going with family or female friends who are likeminded and are not going for the purpose of letting loose.

 

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10 hours ago, Darlington said:

 I am/was fearful as there have been a few high profile cases of sexual violence against women and difficult race relations in our region. 

Go with other friends. Conflicted, incompatible on/off exes are not bodyguards.

If it's so dangerous racially and full of violent crimes, what is the appeal of that (for anyone, any ethnicity, any gender)?

Go with friends to decent places. It's that simple.

Exes are not your personal police and if you choose (for whatever crazy reason) to go to high crime areas, he could be a crime victim like anyone else.

Get better travel plans together. Save for a decent location and go with friends, family,etc.

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This sounds like a bad idea. 

Let's say he warms back up, you go, have a great weekend - and then he drifts away again. If you are uncomfortable that he's doing so now before you've even gone, you can be sure it's going to hurt when he does it again afterwards. 

I would not proceed with this plan. It's not wise. 

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12 hours ago, Darlington said:

but I am/was fearful as there have been a few high profile cases of sexual violence against women and difficult race relations in our region.

Well, D, unless there is open warfare going on throughout your entire country, there surely must be locations and venues which are perfectly safe, 

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11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

The fact that you can still be "thrown" by his demeanor makes it seem you still have lingering romantic feelings for him.  And if his moods "throw" you, it's probably a bad idea to travel together.

I agree. 

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Posted (edited)

certainly not , but there is a secret saying that goes like this - being a pandemic  - (ALWAYS) STAY AWAY FROM THE EX! 🙂, the impact of this pandemic is enough to rule out any adventure with any of the EXes

Edited by Spawn
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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Hello all! Thanks for the advice. I think I was a little naïve to think it would be fine, and actually this situation has shown me that it wouldn't be fine. I have retracted the invitation and will probably just woman up and go on my own. 

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5 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Well, D, unless there is open warfare going on throughout your entire country, there surely must be locations and venues which are perfectly safe, 

You're right...there's no open warfare and there are risks everywhere. So maybe something solo is what I need. 

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This sounds like a bad idea. 

Let's say he warms back up, you go, have a great weekend - and then he drifts away again. If you are uncomfortable that he's doing so now before you've even gone, you can be sure it's going to hurt when he does it again afterwards. 

I would not proceed with this plan. It's not wise. 

Such wisdom!! The fact that it's has bothered me enough to post about it now, is proof that it's not a good idea. 

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He responded to my retracted invitation with disappointment, said his offer was still open if I change my mind later, but that he understands and respects my decision if I go alone. 

He also mentioned that he has had an off week, so confirmed the change in mood I observed. 

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2 hours ago, Darlington said:

He responded to my retracted invitation with disappointment, said his offer was still open if I change my mind later, but that he understands and respects my decision if I go alone. 

He also mentioned that he has had an off week, so confirmed the change in mood I observed. 

You'll have fun on your own too. I think you're making the right decision going it alone. He's a figment of the past, an old skin you've yet to shed completely. Create new memories now and keep moving forwards. Stay safe and avoid sketchy or desolate areas. If you have questions ahead of time look it up and do some research. 

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2 hours ago, Darlington said:

He responded to my retracted invitation with disappointment, said his offer was still open if I change my mind later, but that he understands and respects my decision if I go alone. 

He also mentioned that he has had an off week, so confirmed the change in mood I observed. 

Great that you retracted the invitation! I agree with Rose, you will have fun. Especially now that you're not going to have to manage his baggage the whole time.

The fact that he volunteered that he was having an "off week" tells me that he was well aware of how he was acting. Does he have a history of manipulating you via moody behavior?

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He didn't volunteer the information, it was a response to me asking "how's your week going?". I have not observed him to be manipulative either to me or people in his life. I think there may still be feelings there on his part, which is probably a good another good reason not to go away together. 

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8 minutes ago, Darlington said:

I think there may still be feelings there on his part, which is probably a good another good reason not to go away together. 

Excellent. This also gives you an opportunity to take your time planning a fun (and safe) trip with friends, family, etc. 

You can also research travel tips for safely in the particular country/area you hope to vacation. For example covid restrictions, etc.

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47 minutes ago, Darlington said:

He didn't volunteer the information, it was a response to me asking "how's your week going?". I have not observed him to be manipulative either to me or people in his life. I think there may still be feelings there on his part, which is probably a good another good reason not to go away together. 

I hope you have the best time !!

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Darlington said:

He didn't volunteer the information, it was a response to me asking "how's your week going?". I have not observed him to be manipulative either to me or people in his life. I think there may still be feelings there on his part, which is probably a good another good reason not to go away together. 

Well, if this is the on-and-off guy you got back together with last year (against your better judgment), only to break up a few months later, then I think you DEFINITELY made the right move. Your questioning for a reason. 

Edited by Jibralta
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