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Hello people. been reading on these forums for a long time now but this is my first time to post. My story is a little too long i hope you have the patience to read it through

 

Basically i dated this girl for many years and we were crazy in love, we were obsessed with each other and too attached. the biggest issue we had was many ons and offs through our time together, there was no doubt about our love to each other but we often had communication issues and brief periods of nc. then we would always get back together. some years later things reached a new low and she got fed up with me and left me forever, at the time i thought it was temporary like every other time and we would work it out and go on together, but long later i realized she had already processed the break up while we were together and only let me know about it when she was ready to move on, me unknowingly at the time tried like a fool for weeks to get her back, first started by asking her to talk about it and she was so uninterested, then she started responding less and less to my calls until she started ignoring me completely, i was confused as hell at the time coz i didnt realise at all she was gone for good. i sent her too many texts and some emails when she stopped returning my calls, it was so desperate and pathetic and i regret it everyday now. Anyway, she was done with me while i was still unsure what was happening, eventually i gave up and gave her space because really there was ntohing else i could do. only to find out she was already dating someone else (like a couple months after she ghosted me) and soon after she moved to a different state and got married to him. i have no idea how can some people move on so fast and start something new.

I never had any doubt she was the one for me and she used to say the same to me, i was so confused and devastated, the shock was beyond my emotional strength. but i never contacted her ever again since i saw she started seeing someone else.. even successfully stopped stalking her completely (she blocked me everywhere during the time i was crazy texting her). I never did any major mistake before the break up, like i didnt cheat or lie or anything of that sort, i guess she was just sick of our relationship or sick of me, and that other dude was there for her as a ((best friend)) or something like that. maybe i was a bit emotionally distant at the time for personal and work issues/stress but she never even talked to me about it, there were no warnings or signs or talks or anything like that, she just simply walked away when she was ready. 

you can imagine how tough that was on me, i doubted my own worth for a long time and asked myself everyday what i did wrong to not even deserve an explanation and closure, she denied me all that.

 

I started dreaming of her like every single night, writing her letters everyday and deleting them when im done, but could never get her out of my mind completely no matter how much i tried even after years of nc, got rid of everything that reminds me of her and all that, she was still haunting me, i thought it would take it time and go away as i heal, but that never happened, she was still on my mind at my best and worst times, she was still the first person to come to mind when I have good or bad news. but thats probably because she was also my best friend and the person i ever got closest too. shes also the only real relationship i ever had, we started dating in our late teenage years and got through college years together and were supposed to be married not long after the time she left. I still have no idea what happened to this day

 

today its been 3 years since she left and i still think of her almost everyday, i tried dating many times unsuccessfully, there just is no connection with all the women i meet. I thought a million times of sending her an email asking for closure, in case she doesnt realise what she did to me, or in case it was my fault and im unaware of something i did wrong, i also thought of sending an apology email for the mistakes i made through the years to let go of my guilt and move on. but i never sent anything, it always feels too pathetic when im done and i end up deleting it.

 

Now my problem is two things, one is being unable to process it completely without closure and move on. and two is being uninterested in dating someone new, none of the girls i met last 3 years sparked any sort of connection at all, and i moved a lot between states and other countries too so i've met different women,but it just never works for me.

my brain now plays horrible games with me in my sleep, quite to often i dream that we're back together and she loves me more than ever and i wake up feeling a lot worse, and every once in a while i get this false feeling of hope that she will somehow one day beg me to take her back and everything will go back to the way it was. I'm well aware this is all bull***, and even if it happened there will be alot of residual feelings of anger that wouldnt let it ever have a chance to work out. so i realise that wont happen but im still unable to get rid of these nostalgic and false hope feelings.

 

i dont know where to go on from here, tried everything on the moving on book, im well aware no good can come from contacting her (especially after 3 years, that will seem very pathetic and needy and will probably leave me feeling worse). Im open to suggestions, especially if someone went through the same scenario that would be greatly appreciated.

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10 minutes ago, mrfahrenheit said:

the biggest issue we had was many ons and offs through our time together,

Sorry to hear that.

What were all the on/offs about and why was there such extreme conflict and incompatibility?

This seems more like intensity and drama and not love. Reflect on all this turbulence. Breakups suck, but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What were all the on/offs about and why was there such extreme conflict and incompatibility?

 

Mostly miscommunication and lack of maturity that made us ignore each other sometimes instead of fixing things properly. They got much less as we both matured

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Posted (edited)

Comparing new women in your life to this imagined dream girl you lost is common.  Your biggest issue I would guess is that you still view her as this perfect girl for you.  Learning to accept things in life instead of ignoring them is the key for you.  You still think you were meant to be together and it was a good relationship but it wasn't.

  She left for a very good reason but you just will not allow yourself to accept that she was right to leave.  You were not good for each other and the history of the 3 years proves that.

 Stop looking back at that relationship with love goggles on and see it for what it really was.  Then you can begin to work on yourself on the things you contributed to that dysfunction during the relationship and when you begin to feel like you are ready to be in a healthy relationship try dating again.  You see you only have one frame of reference in your mind and I would guess it was your only relationship so you think it was the best you can do.  You can do better trust me.  Read your post and you will see words like obsessed with each other, on and off frequently, crazy in love but it wasn't the good kind of crazy.

  You haven't accepted that that relationship was not good and still believe you could fix it so you hang onto to it.  See it for what it really was and you should be able to move on.

Lost

PS  I just noticed that your title of your thread even tells a tale.  It isn't a separation, it is 3 years after a BREAKUP. 

Edited by lostandhurt
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Well, to be honest I don't really think you need closure from her. It's not like she just ghosted you without any explanation at all. She did actually break up with you and let you know it was over. Then you continued contacting her and I know she wasn't replying. But you already knew it was over so the only closure left to get really was from within yourself. I don't think there is any point contacting her and trying to ask what could have gone differently. Even if something could have gone differently, it actually didn't happen that way. It happened exactly the way it was and the outcome was that she didn't want to be with you. You can see that she was serious about her decision because she found someone else and now she's been with him for three years already.

I guess you can't help how you feel about your ex but I think maybe you're actually doing things that are preventing you from moving on. I think you should block her on all social media and don't look at her social media. Don't write her any more letters. I think after three years you've probably already gotten everything off your chest that you needed to. I understand that you weren't actually sending her the letters, but to continue writing them is only making you think of your ex more.

Just because you haven't met any women you connected with yet doesn't mean it won't happen. We have about 80-90 years to live unless we die of unnatural causes. I guarantee you that in that time you can love someone more than once. Of course it's hard to forget your first love. It's still special but you can love many people in your lifetime.

I'm a huge romantic but even I don't believe in "the one". I believe in "a one". So I believe there are many "ones" out there for us. I think you just need to keep working on your goal of getting over your ex. Just live your life and do things you enjoy. Be with your friends and family. Maybe get a pet if you like pets. Keep yourself busy. When you're ready you'll love someone again.

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4 hours ago, mrfahrenheit said:

soon after she moved to a different state and got married to him. i have no idea how can some people move on so fast and start something new.

Because, as you said, she well on her way out, before you even knew she was done..is often how it is 😕 - always last to know.

4 hours ago, mrfahrenheit said:

no doubt about our love to each other but we often had communication issues and brief periods of nc. then we would always get back together. some years later things reached a new low and she got fed up with me and left me forever,

When a couple has issues.. and they are repeated.. hard times then a split, each time it weakens the relationship.. Things just aren't the same anymore.

You have the issue's that caused the split... then the split itself- all adding to the negatives in the relationship.

 

4 hours ago, mrfahrenheit said:

. I thought a million times of sending her an email asking for closure, in case she doesnt realise what she did to me, or in case it was my fault and im unaware of something i did wrong, i also thought of sending an apology email for the mistakes i made through the years to let go of my guilt and move on.

That's fine- but do it for your own sake.  Get a journal.. write it all out, like you're talking to her.. just don't send.. It's now up to you, to work on accepting & healing = closure.

 

It sounds like end result was a trauma on you.  Unable to get over this effect/experience.

Do not date, instead look into some therapy, to help you work through all of this.. I did, ongoing for abt 4 years.

 

I am sorry it has caused such hurt in you... I have heard that often our first relationships does cause an effect in us.

You are young, in time, I believe this will eventually ease off for you and you will feel okay to move on again, just not yet.

Do consider therapy.. maybe even talk to your Dr about something for anxiety, if you feel is hard to 'function' properly.

TC

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If this is all you know, it's natural you're having a hard time. You're a young person though with a lot to look forward to. She meant a lot to you in your earlier part of your life but don't you think you deserve a lot better than what your relationship together was? 

Surely you realize on/off is no way to be with someone. Are you employed now after college and doing well/on your way? Romance and relationships fall into place whenever you're busy doing something else or engrossed in your own life, doing what you love best. Keep your eye on the ball and go out and pursue all your other goals. I think you are too fixated on her and it's an escape from other areas of life. 

Closure isn't going to come from her or anywhere else. It'll come from inside you when you realize you deserve a lot more than what that past had to offer.

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3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I just noticed that your title of your thread even tells a tale.  It isn't a separation, it is 3 years after a BREAKUP. 

Ok, in that case agree you need to see a physician about the chronic depression, ruminating, anxiety etc., as well as get a referral to a good therapist.

You are stuck because of you, not because of her/that relationship. You have the power to change all that. 

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