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Girlfriend's (28F) past causing me (24M) distress


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Posted (edited)

My girlfriend and I have been with eachother for over a year now. she is a few years older than I am and we have known eachother as acquaintances practically our whole lives. I care for her deeply but I am unable to shake off the feelings of disgust, anger and jealousy when I think of her sexual past. However, during university when she was abroad, I don't care nor do I think of her sexual experiences. It is only an issue for me when I think about all the people she has had sex with in our home town alone (10) to my (1 her). Its even worse because I know all of them, see them around often and engage with atleast 2-3 of them on a regular basis.

I feel like a cuck. It sucks because where we come from sexual experiences outside marriage is rare. I feel like she is the girl all these didnt care for more past sex. I hate that feeling and I don't want to feel or think that way but I do. I feel like she f*cked all those guys then decided that I am a responsible good guy who will take care of her and wont say no to the relationship. So why not.

I love her deeply but I cant stop thinking about this. When she interacts with these guys or I think about it, I grow cold. I don't yell and her or fight about it I just become distant and cold due to my feelings on the issue.

I feel like it wouldn't be a big deal if I had the chance to also sleep. Instead, I was rushed into a relationship and feel I am in too deep to say I need to explore that side to balance the state of things. Will that help? Idk. But atleast I wont walk into a room and feel x amount of guys have been inside my girl one way or another while not having the numbers to reciprocate that feeling.

I love her but I hate how her past makes me feel. How should I go about this?

TL;DR : girlfriends past extensive with people I see regularly. Mine doesnt measure up. Makes me cold.

Edited by SoftProfessional7
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10 minutes ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

Makes me angry, bitter and cold.

You seem extremely insecure and jealous. Not to mention have horrible vulgar language.

You are too immature for this GF.

Sounds like anger bitter cold, comes from your cultural situation of sex before marriage being rare and watching way too much porn.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

I think if you really loved her you would not be so focused on her past and treat her with respect and kindness, please don't go making her feel guilty and ashamed.

 

 

Edited by mical
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It is time to break up with her and find a girl with no experience. People can’t change their past and it sounds like you resent her and are disgusted by her. Please break up , you can’t have a relationship with someone you don’t respect. 

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Posted (edited)

I agree how can you deeply love someone when you feel disgusted by them. This makes no sense. I can only say you need more time to gain more of a mature opinion of people...this will take a lot of time. Until then, you will never feel comfortable with her or anyone else with a sexual past. This girl is way too advanced for you. I'm assuming she's your first and despite her experience, you jumped at the opportunity. Now you are in an emotional pickle. She must be very attractive, and you have fallen into the infatuation trap that you now can't seem to get yourself out of. This is on you to work through...just don't punish her for it.

Edited by smackie9
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9 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

feel I am in too deep to say I need to explore that side to balance the state of things. Will that help?

Nope, that won't work. 

You need address your deep insecurity and self-loathing.

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10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

she is a few years older than I am and we have known eachother as acquaintances practically our whole lives. I care for her deeply but I am unable to shake off the feelings of disgust, anger and jealousy when I think of her sexual past.

This is not good.  For either of you 😕 .

Is like YOU are holding a grudge because she's had men.

 

10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

It sucks because where we come from sexual experiences outside marriage is rare. I feel like she is the girl all these didnt care for more past sex. I hate that feeling and I don't want to feel or think that way but I do. I feel like she f*cked all those guys then decided that I am a responsible good guy who will take care of her and wont say no to the relationship

Was HER choice to get involved with these guys.. Many do this. As they learn of themselves & explore.

How is it you see yourself as ' a responsible good guy who will take care of her'? That is an odd way of seeing this with her.

Good chance there will be another.

 

10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

I love her deeply but I cant stop thinking about this. When she interacts with these guys or I think about it, I grow cold.

No, I don't feel you love her... 'You care for her a lot'.

Love develops over time and one would not hold so much jealousy & negativity.

 

10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

I feel like it wouldn't be a big deal if I had the chance to also sleep. Instead, I was rushed into a relationship and feel I am in too deep to say I need to explore that side to balance the state of things. Will that help? Idk. But atleast I wont walk into a room and feel x amount of guys have been inside my girl

How were YOU rushed into a relationship?

If you want to go mess around as well, is up to you.  But, that will not change your feelings towards her.

You really should work on how you see her, but I doubt you'll be able to at this point. You already see her as tarnished goods.

......

None of this is a 'good' way of seeing any of this.

Whether it be her or someone else, everyone has a past.  You cannot control that.

She does not need your distant/cold attitude and you are just not happy with her.

Has only been a bout a year.. I suggest you just remove yourself from this relationship with her.

 

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

Instead, I was rushed into a relationship and feel I am in too deep to say I need to explore that side to balance the state of things. Will that help? Idk. But atleast I wont walk into a room and feel x amount of guys have been inside my girl one way or another while not having the numbers to reciprocate that feeling.

I love her but I hate how her past makes me feel. How should I go about this?

TL;DR : girlfriends past extensive with people I see regularly. Mine doesnt measure up. Makes me cold.

Sadly this is so common. There are about one or two new individuals a week on this forum alone that are jealous of their girlfriend's or partner's sexual history. You're not alone in this but it's also not acceptable and says a lot about your inherent insecurity (personal to you).

No amount of sleeping around is going to help because you will probably continue to compare yourself not just to the women you date but to your male peers or anyone else willing to throw out a number that is higher than yours. You see people as objects, not people.

Loving someone means that you accept that entire person. You don't accept this about your girlfriend so why should you keep telling yourself that you love her? Her past is hers, not yours. It doesn't make you anything. 

You do have a choice to be honest about not feeling comfortable with the way you feel about yourself and how you go about treating others going forward.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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10 hours ago, SoftProfessional7 said:

I don't yell and her or fight about it I just become distant and cold due to my feelings on the issue.

You already knew this about her when you began dating her, so I don't understand why you put her through dating a man who has all these horrific thoughts about her?

I know that when my husband says "my wife" to someone, he says it with pride and love in his voice. I'm a good partner and deserve someone like that.

She's a good partner, otherwise you would've mentioned something she's done within the relationship, present day, to warrant being thought of so negatively.

Do her a favor and let her go. She doesn't deserve to be badmouthed within your thoughts or to anybody who's there to listen to these insults. And she doesn't deserve the cold shoulder when she hasn't done anything ethically wrong to you. In this day and age, if you want to date a virgin your pool will be far smaller, so set your expectations accordingly.

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If you want to be promiscuous yourself, break up with her and go do that. 

If you don't want to be with someone who you see as promiscuous, you don't have to date or be in a relationship with someone whose past you aren't comfy with. 

You are making this all more difficult than it really is. No one is forcing you to do anything. 

You two aren't a match. Let her find her person, and you go do what it is that's going to make you happy. Maybe you need to be single for a while and figure a few things out through your own experiences before being in a serious relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, but it is wrong to stay with someone you don't respect. 

 

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Posted (edited)

I actually get the sense that it's not even about that your girlfriend slept with those guys, but that YOU haven't slept with any women except for her. You actually said this yourself. You said something like: "It wouldn't be a problem if I also had opportunities to sleep with women. But I was rushed into this relationship". Rushed by whom? By YOU? If you don't want to be in this relationship, then simply don't be in it. If it's so important to you to sleep with other women then why don't you just do it? There is no law or obligation for you to be with your girlfriend. Being in a relationship is a choice. If you want to be single then be single, sleep with girls. Who is stopping you?

Your argument doesn't really make much sense to be honest. You're saying your girlfriend slept with some guys but them decided You're a nice, good guy who would treat her well, so she chose you for a relationship. Why is that bad she chose you over them? OK, she had fun, she slept with some guys, but she didn't take them seriously. She takes you seriously, you're the one she wants to be her boyfriend. This sounds normal. She wanted to experiment with some guys but you're the one she actually truly likes, so you're the one she's dating. Also just because some guys had sex with her doesn't straight away mean they were bad and treated her bad. Unless someone is raped, sex is given with consent and both people want to have sex. It doesn't mean those guys were jerks. Maybe they were both just enjoying having sex with each other.

Are you saying if you slept with ten women, it would be fine that your girlfriend slept with ten guys also? So basically the fact she slept with ten guys is not actually a problem. The problem is that you feel like sex is a competition and you lost that competition. That's why you're jealous and angry. Sex is not a competition. Just because someone had sex with more or less people than someone else, doesn't make them better or worse. Let's say I slept with twenty people and my friend slept with five people. It actually means nothing in terms of us as a person. It's simply a fact. I'm not worse or better than my friend. It's not a competition and nobody is winning or losing. You sound pretty immature and jealous to be honest.

Also you did say your girlfriend is a few years older than you. Let's say you have someone who is 25 and someone who is 20. It might be likely the 25-year-old slept with more people than 20-year-old simply because they're older and been around longer. Also the number people slept with can be considered acceptable based on age. If you have a 15-year-old that slept with ten people, that's probably alarming. If you have a 25-30-year-old that slept with ten, it sounds OK. If you've slept with only her, that's actually your own issue. It's not her fault that you haven't been sleeping with people.

Sure, some people prefer someone who is a virgin or slept with not many. No problem if they prefer it or you prefer it. In that case don't date your girlfriend and just find a virgin girl. Then you can be better because you would win, since you're not a virgin.

Edited by Tinydance
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I have come across others like yourself. You put virginity/sex up on a pedestal for years...having the concept that the first time is supposed to be fairytale magical experience, all rainbows, and cloud 9s. And to see your GF with her experience and attention she gets, is emasculating you.

Sex is just sex. It's the emotional connection you have with your GF or anyone you are in love with is the most important thing that should be cherished. I get a sense you feel this but since she can chat up a storm with all the boys she's slept with you have your doubts she's on that same emotional plane as you. I agree with the above post this happens because you put her up on a pedestal and have low self worth. You need to switch that around, Stop worshiping her, and feel confident about your worth. Remember this all in your head, and not caused from the environment/relationship.

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If you live in a small town and go in the same crowd of people its not that uncommon to hook up with the girl that was with one of your friends or acquaintances before. It happens. Its not that weird occurance as you think especially with young people. And if you love her you will need to get over that. She is not with them, she is with you. You are doing her now. Just go with that and run with it. Also in order for you to be "a cuck" she would have to be unfaitfull. Since she only slept with them probably years before you I will say you are safe from that classification. What I am trying to say is, work on those insecurities if you want to be with her. Also, you do know that sexual experience doesnt matter as long as you are compatible there? You dont need to sleep around with more women. If you really feel the need for that then please do break up, you dont do yourself a favor by staying with her if you really regret for that. Its one way ticket for infidelity later down the line.

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You do not love her.  You knew of her past and so I am confused why you would want a relationship?  

This is about you and your own insecurities and self loathing.   Do her a favor and break up, she deserves some who does not feel "disgust, anger, and jealousy."

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