Being taken for granted

[LoreliFinn]

I am finding from experience that being there for friends and even guys I'm dating causes them to take everything for granted.

The more favors and time listening to their issues, the more I get disrespected or dumped by men.

What is it about human nature that causes this?  Is it an ingrained tendency!

A friend I knew for many years started treating me poorly for no reason. Ignoring messages, criticizing my clothes, interrupting or plain old not responding to what you say about your day that happened. No fights, disagreements either.  I was always there to help.

I almost feel like avoiding friendships or dating men. I am always disappointed.  Perhaps I am too helpful, if there is such a thing.

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

Perhaps I am too helpful, if there is such a thing.

Yes, there is absolutely such a thing. 

It is important to identify our own boundaries, and not bend over backwards to please people who do not reciprocate. It's also important to recognize red flags when we see them. People who are overly critical are not friends. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

  Perhaps I am too helpful, if there is such a thing.

If you are the common denominator, then it's a thing.

Try not to worry about being liked this much. Respect and boundaries are more important than " like".

Don't do favors you don't want to, then resent it.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

What is it about human nature that causes this?

People are, in its nature, pretty selfish being. Ive had a friend that I helped a lot when he broke a leg. Took him to hospital, visit him, took him MP3 player so he could at least listen to music, visit at home later etc. Only for a while later when he recovered for him to get drunk and say how we are garbage friends. Point is, some people dont appreciate your friendship. Same in relationship. You can bend over backward and still be underappreciated. That is why in life you will have a very few people who will genuinly care and those are family, your SO probably and maybe a few friends. Rest are aquintances. They are there through your life but they come and go. So dont bend over backwards for those. 

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

Perhaps I am too helpful,

Yes, OP, that is probably the cause.

"The Disease to Please" (look it up). 

It is not your job to be an ad hoc counsellor, "listening ear" , or purveyor of favours. 

It is an unhealthy dynamic. 

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I am finding from experience that being there for friends and even guys I'm dating causes them to take everything for granted.

The more favors and time listening to their issues, the more I get disrespected or dumped by men.

What is it about human nature that causes this?  Is it an ingrained tendency!

A friend I knew for many years started treating me poorly for no reason. Ignoring messages, criticizing my clothes, interrupting or plain old not responding to what you say about your day that happened. No fights, disagreements either.  I was always there to help.

I almost feel like avoiding friendships or dating men. I am always disappointed.  Perhaps I am too helpful, if there is such a thing.

 

There are all kinds. I do not think it's an ingrained tendency. You may be attracting bad apples (sorry to say this) or you've collected disrespectful/unstable individuals in your journeys. Now you've got a repertoire of them.

That friend sounds like he's going through something and taking it out on you. That's where you start reminding the people close to you about your boundaries. If he ignores your messages, don't keep messaging. If he criticizes your clothing, remind him he's not the one wearing it. 

You don't have to keep sticking your neck out in unpleasant situations. He won't fall apart. Infact, he probably needs time to collect himself instead of you getting in the line of fire. Avoid abusive individuals and never stand up for someone criticizing your style, girl. Send that brother home.

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

People are, in its nature, pretty selfish being. Ive had a friend that I helped a lot when he broke a leg. Took him to hospital, visit him, took him MP3 player so he could at least listen to music, visit at home later etc. Only for a while later when he recovered for him to get drunk and say how we are garbage friends. Point is, some people dont appreciate your friendship. Same in relationship. You can bend over backward and still be underappreciated. That is why in life you will have a very few people who will genuinly care and those are family, your SO probably and maybe a few friends. Rest are aquintances. They are there through your life but they come and go. So dont bend over backwards for those. 

That's terrible.   What did you say?

[Hollyj]

If this is happening repeatedly, then you need to address what type of people you have gravitated to.  It sounds like you are choosing lousy people due to a lack of  boundaries and low self esteem.  

[SooSad33]

Like being taking advantage of?

Don't be afraid to stand your ground.  As mentioned, yes, people can be selfish... needy.. there's all kinds 😕 

But, you need to learn your limits.  IF you know when to just walk away - for your own well-being, good for you!

We can only take so much. Don't be ashamed of that.

Healthy boundaries.  We cannot 'fix' everyone.  We can 'help' a little, IF we feel we can.

If they're too much, too demanding/needy, disprespectful, etc. then yes, pull away & let them deal with it.

We need to learn what we will/ won't tolerate. - So, make sure you don't lose yoruself.. Remember, self care.. your own down time, on your own, etc.

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

That's terrible.   What did you say?

Eh, just that he is out of the line  and drunk, he yelled more and left. Its an old friendship too, we know each other from 1st grade elementary. He kinda settled now, drinks less, found a really good girl etc. But we dont hang out anymore aside of "Hi" when I see him on the street. Good ridance. 

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Eh, just that he is out of the line  and drunk, he yelled more and left. Its an old friendship too, we know each other from 1st grade elementary. He kinda settled now, drinks less, found a really good girl etc. But we dont hang out anymore aside of "Hi" when I see him on the street. Good ridance. 

I don't blame you.  That stings.

[LoreliFinn]

Thanks so much for all your feedback.  It provides some clarity and direction.

I suspect my self esteem is low.  I tend to look for the good in people rather than  negative which is not healthy.  I always thought part of being a good friend is listening, supporting and helping when necessary.  I still believe this to be true.

At what point though do I say no?  If I'm available, I will help.  If not, I have made it known I'm already tied up.  Should I put limits on how often I say yes?

Do people generally view you as a doormat if you say yes too often?

I need a way to vett people more accurately before spending so much time being their "friend".

 

 

 

 

[LoreliFinn]

Rose Mosse.  You are so right.  I must be attracting the bad apples.  Perhaps my willingness to be a good listener and help sits on the top of my head with a neon sign, saying "open to being taken advantage of".

I used to be labelled many years ago as "cold and aloof". Over the years, with therapy, I tried to overcome the label.  However, the transformation obviously backfired.    I think now I'm a people pleaser, although I do say no at times when requests are inconvenient.

I feel like retreating from the world of friends for awhile.  Steps to raising self esteem appears to be the first viable step. 

Oh my, therapy is exhausting.  It's been a lifetime visiting counselor after counselor.  

Yet life is a journey ....as  popular forklore suggests.  I'm still on board for that. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Take a break from all the therapists. Just say "no". It's that simple.

If you do a favor, don't resent it.

For example I hate picking people up at airports, but have done it many times. 

If I really couldn't do it or really didn't want to I would just say "sorry won't be able to"

You don't really make or keep friends beind a doormat . So it's best to say no, or just do the favor if it's not a big deal.

[LaHermes]

10 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I tend to look for the good in people rather than  negative which is not healthy. 

Loreli.  There is nothing "unhealthy" about looking for the good in people, while at the same time having your own healthy boundaries. 

You, and you alone, are your first priority. Be sparing with the time you give others. It is amazingly simple.

[Hollyj]

15 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

Thanks so much for all your feedback.  It provides some clarity and direction.

I suspect my self esteem is low.  I tend to look for the good in people rather than  negative which is not healthy.  I always thought part of being a good friend is listening, supporting and helping when necessary.  I still believe this to be true.

At what point though do I say no?  If I'm available, I will help.  If not, I have made it known I'm already tied up.  Should I put limits on how often I say yes?

Do people generally view you as a doormat if you say yes too often?

I need a way to vett people more accurately before spending so much time being their "friend".

 

 

 

 

If the friendship is one-sided or you feel you are becoming someone's free therapist, it is not healthy.  Is the relationship reciprocal?  There is nothing wrong with saying no.  

[LoreliFinn]

The friendship used to be more reciprocal in that she provided support when I was going through a divorce.  That was many years ago.  I have always done her favors, she never did any for me.  I noticed more recently she was blowing me off when in contact between get togethers.  E.g, saying she's watching TV a lot when I want to talk.  Interrupting me, not answering or changing subject entirely.  It all went downhill as far as respect from her.

It's obvious the relationship ran it's course.  I need to stop posting about this stuff.  Look for friends who share more common interests, etc.

Banging head against the wall!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Hollyj]

8 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

The friendship used to be more reciprocal in that she provided support when I was going through a divorce.  That was many years ago.  I have always done her favors, she never did any for me.  I noticed more recently she was blowing me off when in contact between get togethers.  E.g, saying she's watching TV a lot when I want to talk.  Interrupting me, not answering or changing subject entirely.  It all went downhill as far as respect from her.

It's obvious the relationship ran it's course.  I need to stop posting about this stuff.  Look for friends who share more common interests, etc.

Banging head against the wall!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a good moment.   Look for people with similar interests and values.