Jokes: How much is too much ?

[Heston]

Hi all ! 

I'm a 30 y/o male, she's 33. During these pandemic times, we first talked on Tinder. Personally, i'm not a huge fan of it and i need some sort of a decent connection with the person i'm talking to. Looking for something on the long run.

First 3 weeks were amazing. We dated and after 2 weeks we had sex. Talks were good, sex was good. We used to tease each other and making funny jokes but, one joke of hers really blew my mind and i just saw in my opinion a red flag.

Here it goes. English is not my main language so bare with me please.

First time at my place, i showed her some pictures i had on my fridge with my family and friends. She asked. 

On another day, she looked very close to a picture of me, my little brother, my older brother and my nephew altogether and said "mhm mhm, your older brother sure is cute" . I don't know how to describe exactly how she said it, but it wasn't that normal "hey, your brother is cute" -Thanks. It was something i felt girls share with other girls or something.. Anyway, i was thinking that my older brother indeed is an attractive men and i thank her for the compliment and moved the discussion to something else. Altough it kinda bothered me a little bit at that moment, after that we talked about smth else and it was all good.

Then, after 2 days or so, we were texting, talking sexual, having a good time. She saying she felt sorry for the neighbours because of the noises during sex. I laughed, i found it cute and funny and assured her that i'm not that worried about the neighbours and quote "Don't worry about that. So next time, i'd like to hear Pazuzu talking" (the exorcist movie reference we both knew, where that little girl was tied and screamed some nasty stuff. she dressed like that for halloween). She laughed, she asked me "Do you remember what that girl said during etc?" I remember and laughed as well, she told me "Well in that case i'll call your mom at 3 am" and i laughed again. And after that she continued with "I think you can get away if you invite John (my brother) so you can hold me both"

First thing i thought saying to her was simply "I know he is married right now but here's his number. Kiss you and take care :)" and that was it. But i couldn't. I sat there for 10 minutes, looking at that one line and thinking why on earth someone goes there, after we were so affectionate to each other. Of course we made fun of each other, teasing and all that, but not in that way for me. The night before, i made a silly comment about one of her tired eye, i thought it was mean and cute at the same time but i immediately saw it wasn't for her and i apologized and stopped ! I would never consider saying her joke to someone i like or don't like.

After her telling me that... joke, i said that "I think you went too far with that" and she continued mocking me on purpose because of the night before and what i said to her, with "ooh really ? c'mon, it was just a joke, nothing serious..cmon lets cheer up". When we talked about this after 2 days, she apologized and she realized that the joke was gross, but she was surprised why i stayed furious on her because she is not like that. I'm not furious, i'm simply confused on why the heck would someone say things like that. 

She is 33 y/o and hanging out with a group of 24-25 y/ods, barely alone or with a female friend. It's like she want's to be validated or some sort.. but damn she is partying now like a teenager, swear to god..it's confusing.

Question: My image of her is not the same anymore and i took that joke and her lifestyle as a reaaally big red flag, and no matter how much i know the good parts of her and want this joke to be erased from the back of my mind, i simply cannot ignore this. Who the hell and why in the world would you say a joke like that ?? She said it's her humour and she thinks it's fine, because she had no problem with this with her friends or others until she met me... Basically, i'm the one who annoys her. Jesus Christ, i'm so confused.. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Heston said:

We dated and after 2 weeks we had sex.  but, one joke of hers really blew my mind and i just saw in my opinion a red flag.

said "mhm mhm, your older brother sure is cute" She saying she felt sorry for the neighbours because of the noises during sex.

This sounds a lot like the kind of silly giddy banter that's very common when the sex is good and the relationship is new. Just enjoy it while it lasts.

It will probably fizzle out when the sex gets old since you two have quite differing ideas about humor and just about everything else.

[SooSad33]

Seems like you two hit it off quite fast.  

And that her 'joking' is not your type.  She still likes to party and that is okay.  Is her choice.

Maybe you are realizing now, her sense of humour and life style isn't for you.

Then, just be honest and let her know, you don't feel it anymore. That you two should go your separate ways.

[DancingFool]

Sounds a bit like a case of you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

I mean is she immature? Sounds like it. But then so are you. Unlike you, though, she doesn't hold grudges when her feathers get ruffled. You do though and that's not a pretty character trait on your end. Something to think about OP.

Ultimately, if you've lost respect for her and it's not something you can deal with or get past, then move on. Not like this is some long term relationship. You've barely started dating and if there is already this kind of friction, then accept that you are not that compatible and part ways. Once you lose respect for your partner, it's kind of hard to get it back and without respect, you really don't have much of a chance at a good relationship.

[reinventmyself]

I think there are often hidden truths behind comments such as this.  You caught the first comment about your brother and likely gave it the benefit of the doubt.  Second time and it's very possible your intuition is telling you something.  Is she guilty?  Only time will tell.   It appears you are on the brink of finding out who she really is.  Will a couple weeks cost you anything?

[Heston]

21 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Sounds a bit like a case of you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

I mean is she immature? Sounds like it. But then so are you. Unlike you, though, she doesn't hold grudges when her feathers get ruffled. You do though and that's not a pretty character trait on your end. Something to think about OP.

Ultimately, if you've lost respect for her and it's not something you can deal with or get past, then move on. Not like this is some long term relationship. You've barely started dating and if there is already this kind of friction, then accept that you are not that compatible and part ways. Once you lose respect for your partner, it's kind of hard to get it back and without respect, you really don't have much of a chance at a good relationship.

You are right, i do have something to work on that. When i realized she might feel offended by how i apologized and told her that i don't want her to be anything else if she thinks that's the way to go. I appreciate that she at least said she's sorry, but it's something about her that makes me feel in constant..danger. Her weird jokes, her life choices etc, her words without no filter whatsoever. 

 

17 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I think there are often hidden truths behind comments such as this.  You caught the first comment about your brother and likely gave it the benefit of the doubt.  Second time and it's very possible your intuition is telling you something.  Is she guilty?  Only time will tell.   It appears you are on the brink of finding out who she really is.  Will a couple weeks cost you anything?

Indeed, i'm staying with one leg in and one leg out, figuring out who she is. Regarding those couple of weeks, she randomly sent me a snip with her discussion with one of her male friends, where he is basically annoyed that he talks his sufferings to her (in general) but she's all "hahaha". And after sending the snip she said "you guys can go to hell both, i'm fine, this is who i am".. I replied with a "huh" because i had no idea what this is all about, cause we were talking about food or something about that.. And she said "Well, don't you see? He has the same problem with the way i talk, just like you". And i.. just can't.. It's just weird.. i don't need these type of things like "go to hell both, i am who i am" and all kind of weird jokes and confusing random things where i have to ask myleft everytime "Why are you saying this/doing this". 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you two are very compatible. 

I would find her comments about your brother off-putting, yes, but also her party lifestyle is clearly not in line with your own. She is also very blunt and I personally think people who lack a filter are just not that mature or emotionally-intelligent. 

Up to you if you want to continue playing head-games with yourself, wondering if this is a match. It sure doesn't look like it from the outside. 

[East4]

It is possible that she gave you a "payback" for your insensitive joke and pushing your buttons to make you angry on purpose. This is why when you told her she went too far, she turned it all around on you and reminded you about what you said about her eyes. The difference is that while your joke was tasteless, you didn't do it on purpose to hurt her. While, her joking, I see it as intentional passive-aggressive attack. 

Given your difference in lifestyle, and how she acts to push your buttons, looks like your relationship can turn toxic pretty quickly.

[Wiseman2]

Once the sex get old, you'll both move on. If it's not worth it, just cut your losses sooner rather than later 

[Rose Mosse]

She doesn't sound very pleasant overall and you're both having trouble communicating or enjoying one another's company. 

What else do you know about her? What are her aspirations overall? Hopes? Thoughts on everyday ongoings and approach to life in general? Do you know how she spends her free time? How are her relationships with her family? Do all her friends just tolerate her but find her equally abrasive or callous? 

[Tinydance]

If it was me personally, I probably wouldn't really be continuing to see this girl again. If she's seeing you and sleeping with you, then why does she keep saying how cute your brother is and talking about your brother? It's just disrespectful and inappropriate. Even if she thought your brother looked cute in the photo, she's with YOU, so she shouldn't say. I mean, who wants to hear that the person they're dating likes their brother? Even if she does, she needs to keep it to herself and not say anything.

What was the joke she made? Was it, she's the girl in the Exorcist and she's tied up in bed? And she said: "It's OK if you invite your brother John so you can both hold me down". I'm just checking what you said because you said English is not your first language. If I understood correctly, she wants both you and your brother to hold her down in bed? So, like some kind of threesome with your brother? Sorry but what the hell! I know she thinks your brother is cute but he's your BROTHER. Why does she think you want to hear about her, you and your brother in bed? This is incest. She definitely sounds like a very weird girl. Who cares if it's a joke. You're right, some jokes are not funny and are going too far.

Personally I'm not sure if I'd date someone who is in their 30's, but all their friends are 24-25 and they party together. I want to get married and have kids, so I need someone mature. That together with the brother comments would be a "no" from me.

[Heston]

I've decided to put an end to this a few days ago. The whole thing was sad and frustrating the whole time. I did it the next day she sent me a printscreen of a conversation with one of her male friends who was complaining that she is "all wise with you, never *heart emojis*". Before sending me the pic, she opened up the discussion with "Food for your soul" and the next thing she wrote after the pic was "So..screw you both, this is who i am". We were talking about our day, food, it was bizarre how it got to this to be honest, so i replied with "huh?". She then replied with "He has the same problem with my communication like you do". And i just stood there looking at my phone, with a mix of feelings coming through. Anger, i was jealous, frustrated that after all the talks, she continues saying things like "Screw you, this is who i am", altough mentioning it was food for my soul. I was questioning the whole thing between her and this guy which i don't know personally but she mentioned him. Even if it's just friendship and i believe it is, why in the world would you send me this kind of conversation ? Why pushing my buttons especially when we talked intimately about her type of communication: hurtful jokes and remarks, weird affirmations etc. (is this my problem feeling this way? That guy literally complains to her that she doesn't respond the way he likes and sends her hearts emojis, and somehow she decides that it's important for me to know that ? or the fact that he has the same issue with her, as me ? And replying with "So, go to hell both".) Is this my  problem that i find this communication simply weird ? Do i need to look further inside me and trully believe this is a normal approach when you hope (not even want) a serious relationship ? 

For me, what i described above and all the questionings down the road, really scared me and even made me angry. 

Sometime ago, she told me when we were discussing the joke matter, that i had a mental block, not being able to see past this, not being able to see the good things. And, altough there were cute acts of caring from her like bringing some food when i worked and haven't had the time to shop or when she gently touched my face, or when i ask her to see each other she is very responsive and accepts everytime, etc..  Altought it is pleasant, i guess that it's something more that connects two people. 

One more thing i find it weird is that altough she is having a great time with me, she doesn't want to move fast and she told me that multiple times. And it's not that i want to move in with her or ask her to marry me, jeesh hell no, it takes time to do that but.. i felt like she doesn't invest emotionally as i did. 

This whole experience was really confusing for me. She doesn't find anything wrong with anything. She did apologized for hurting my feelings, but in essence, she is very into "i am who i am". 

All the above now makes me question if i did the wrong thing breaking up with her. After our long talks before and hoping something would click and me being opened to leave aside my pre-judgements and try not to have expectations and in her words to "take it easy, that message with the print screen with one of her friends and her saying "you can go to hell both, this is who i am", make me so angry, helpless and powerless that i felt 100% that i deserve something better then this..

Yet again, i am here, cracking my head open, feeling lonely, missing her, missing her touch, her smile and thinking if there's a problem with me.. Maybe i'm too sensitive ? Jealous ? I really want to work on myself but at the same time, something REALLY made me question her intentions, behavior and attitude that made me push her away in this manner...

 

[Heston]

Oh, i forgot to mention one time she had to shower at this guy's place because she didn't had warm water. She was open about this and plain blunt, and i don't know why i wasn't bothered at that moment. Now, connected with all above, it makes me question whether she has a toxic behaviour or not. It looks like she doesn't have an issue with these boys hoovering around them like a pack of sattellites lol. I don't know man, it's just..some things are really weird. I'm not doing that. I'm not like that. I don't find this normal. it's hard for me to consider this normal in this given circumstance with all the details mentioned.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Heston said:

I've decided to put an end to this a few days ago.

Excellent . She's much too flaky.

Just delete and block someone like this, who is nothing but headaches and heartaches.

She was not GF material, just put her in the "good for sex" pile.

[Heston]

Oh and one time i did a sexist joke, exagerated of course, she instantly slapped me. Like straight away. It wasn't hard, but not soft for sure! I wasn't mad about it, but i questioned her behaviour. The joke wasn't harsh or about her..

[Heston]

On 5/12/2021 at 12:38 AM, Rose Mosse said:

She doesn't sound very pleasant overall and you're both having trouble communicating or enjoying one another's company. 

What else do you know about her? What are her aspirations overall? Hopes? Thoughts on everyday ongoings and approach to life in general? Do you know how she spends her free time? How are her relationships with her family? Do all her friends just tolerate her but find her equally abrasive or callous? 

Rose, to be honest, i don't know. She finished art school and now she takes small projects but in general has a lot of free time. She's on the boy-sh side, showing some masculine traits, on her appearing, attitude and vocabulary. But frankly i liked that she wasn't poshy or anything like that in the beginning. She hasn't talked about her aspirations, hopes, dreams. She is somehow cynical around subjects i consider heart warming. All i know for sure is that she likes to gather and party with her group. Frankly, i envy her because most of my friends have families and i could enjoy a fun time or two when i can. I'm working on a US schedule, but i'm based in Romania so it's 3PM-12PM for me.

 One time we talked and she told me she's meeting an old friend of hers and i said to myself "finally, something normal happening, girls hanging out". After 4 hours i asked how was her day and she said Nice, we talked etc and then we called the boys and had a walk and day drinking in the park" and i was "oooof course you did". Talking to myself, not saying out loud.

But, basically, whenever we're not together, she hangs out with her group of younger friends and i have no idea what they're doing. She doesn't communicate, and when she does, it's just "we're here, how are you?" Or, one time she messaged me saying those friends put a 80's porno and she doesn't know what to do, to leave or jump out the window." And that was my first impression about her friends. I just don't "party" like this. I don't find that amusing. It's childish, and all i'm asking myself is "you are 33 yo, why do you do these things? am i too lazy or have an old soul"

I haven't met a friend of hers. After i got mad at her about that joke, she did tell me at the end that they wanted to meet me but she didn't because she wasn't sure how i respond to jokes like that..and i was laughing and being dissapointed at the same time. But yeah, her friends tolerate her and she seems like she's enjoying their company too.

[HeartGoesOn]

33, going on 13.   Time to change the channel.

Life is short, you can do better...

[Tinydance]

Well this woman sounds not suitable to you at all. It's true, "she is who she is". People don't change. Maybe 24-year-olds like those rude jokes and like her party personality. You are older, in your 30's so it's normal you want a more mature woman who doesn't act like this. If you don't like her behaviours then you don't need to date her. Why do you need to hear her talking about how cute your brother is all the time and about her male friends. I'm 36 and I mostly have friends in their 30's or older. I have one male friend who is 29 but he's my youngest friend. If someone is in their 30's but all their friends are ten years younger, it probably shows that their own maturity level is ten years younger.