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When i began dating my boyfriend 6 years ago, his ex was saved on his phone as the lying ling with no picture attached, i recently discovered she is now back to her name and he has attached her picture to her contact in his phone dressed as catwoman, so everytime she calls him her picture comes up, mine isnt attached to my contact. am i being paranoid, or is this a sign hes still in love with her?

 

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Sharing children, unless special needs, really doesn't require constant contact. In fact, there are plenty of parenting apps out there to help couples assert healthy boundaries - scheduling and most things outside of actual emergencies can be addressed through the app with limited interactions between the parents and zero need for constant calling.

Sending him pics of herself has nothing to do with childcare at all. Neither does him taking and using the pic in his phone. Pretty obvious that their interactions are stepping way outside of childcare and are inappropriate since he is in a long term relationship with you.

So, how is your relationship with him and have you talked to him about relationship boundaries? If he is not willing to assert better boundaries with his ex, I'd leave him, unless you are OK with this kind of behavior.

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I cant talk to him where shes concerned, he gets angry and tells me we are done. I sent a message a few weeks ago explaining how i felt but didn't address anything, he just said i was making him out to be a nasty man and i had problems with him having contact with her for his daughter. I am the one who watches his daughter constantly as his ex likes to be away on weekends and he works away, so im helping her out. Hes not understanding at all, he constantly borrows money from me , tells me i am a terrible mother as my daughter is a normal teen and his daughter doesnt know how to communicate and if we fight, he throws things, he slags my daughter off as shes over weight and i'm just at my witts end. I know what i need to do, its just making him see why i have to leave him

 

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....why does he need to see anything?

This isn't about him at all. It's about YOU needing to see that you are in an abusive relationship and that your own daughter is being abused as well and do what a mother needs to do - protect YOUR daughter from this loser by leaving him like yesterday. Who cares what he thinks or wants. You need to take care of you and your own child.

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I know, i am, i left him in March as he cant see how he is behaving. Worst part is, hes 50, his ex is 35, you would think he be grown up enough to have a real relationship. I have a restraining order from my ex husband as he abused me and our daughter, i was upfront and honest when i met my boyfriend and to start he was really supportive, now he still texts asking to talk but he has no idea how to discuss anything civil or what he is putting me through. He still owes me a lot of money also which i can pretty much kiss goodbye to. I guess i just needed someone else to confirm i wasnt paranoid, i have done more than i can to help him. 

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It's not that he can't see, it's that it works for him.

Think about it - you were his unpaid babysitter. You gave him tons of money. No doubt you did a whole lot of other things for him as well. It works for him.

How he is works for him just fine and so he continues to contact you and you still can't seem to cut him out of your life. Yes, kiss the money good bye, block and delete his contact info and never speak to him again. Consider that the price of your freedom from abuse. You owe him nothing and you will never talk him into being a better person.

You are not paranoid, but you do have a broken picker when it comes to men. Choosing one abuser is a mistake, but more than that is a pattern. Please take time out to heal and really really work out on how/why you are choosing and sticking around like that trying to please and gain approval from psychos. You deserve better than that, but you do have to fix that broken picker first.

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He wants his free babysitter and interest free bank back. It's not about love.

You've been in two abusive relationships. What are you doing to ensure you don't go back to him or get into a third abusive relationship? 

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1 hour ago, Desperate1 said:

When i began dating my boyfriend 6 years ago

Do you live together? After 6 years, do you feel there is any future?

How old is he? Do they have kids? Ask him what the nature of their situation is.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Desperate1 said:

i left him in March as he cant see how he is behaving. Worst part is, hes 50, his ex is 35, you would think he be grown up enough to have a real relationship.

And you think you would have learned by now that a relationship with him makes you miserable. 

You should have remained broken up, OP. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

He has a child with his ex 

Then it is normal to deal with an ex, if kids are involved.

Pics n stuff.. is not normal.

How did you know about all on his phone back then? 6 yrs ago..

 

2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

I cant talk to him where shes concerned, he gets angry and tells me we are done

Okay, so he is being overly defensive!

Then be done with his crap.

 

2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

Hes not understanding at all, he constantly borrows money from me , tells me i am a terrible mother as my daughter is a normal teen and his daughter doesnt know how to communicate and if we fight, he throws things, he slags my daughter off as shes over weight and i'm just at my witts end.

Yeah, for sure- get away from this toxic man!

You do not need to explain yourself.  ( He has said he's done, already).  Then just get out of there.

 

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3 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

He has a child with his ex 

 

2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

I am the one who watches his daughter constantly

Ok, stay out of their co-parenting altogether, including babysitting. Let them figure that out.

Focus only on your own and your child's wellbeing.

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

Hes not understanding at all, he constantly borrows money from me , tells me i am a terrible mother as my daughter is a normal teen and his daughter doesnt know how to communicate and if we fight, he throws things, he slags my daughter off as shes over weight and i'm just at my witts end. I know what i need to do, its just making him see why i have to leave him

 

Bolded is the reason why you should dump this chump. Seriously this is the most of your issues, not a pic of his ex in a cat woman costume.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted (edited)

Get out of this situation.  This guy is an abusive, using creep!   This is a terrible environment for your child.  It is time to do what is right for your kid.

Have you sought help for your abuse?  You have gone from one bad relationship to another.   Stay single for a long while.  Live independently, and don't loan men money, or play free babysitter for their kids.

Edited by Hollyj
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Thanks for all your comments, it actually makes me understand just what i have put up with, I have now told him not to contact me again via anywhere or through friends as we have a lot of the same friends. i know he will struggle in life and every relationship, he is very good at manipulating people. I think i need to be single and enjoy my life again. I have a great support network through family and friends and my job keeps me very busy. Thanks again

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2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

Thanks for all your comments, it actually makes me understand just what i have put up with, I have now told him not to contact me again via anywhere or through friends as we have a lot of the same friends. i know he will struggle in life and every relationship, he is very good at manipulating people. I think i need to be single and enjoy my life again. I have a great support network through family and friends and my job keeps me very busy. Thanks again

It doesn't matter what he does anymore. Spend more time and care on your child. After the terrible treatment from this monster, she needs a positive role model and that person should be you. Teach her positive self-image and be the kind of woman she will be proud to grow into one day. She learns from you. Teach her the right thing and grow her confidence. You have such an important role to play as her mother. 

Forget this guy. Completely cut off any contact. You don't need him. Keep moving forwards.

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I’ve not read in any detail but if he or she has an iPhone, he may have chosen to sync the contact info with what she has in her profile. I noticed that with a recent update. My friend texted me and it asked if I wanted to update to her name and chosen photo. 
So, the changing of her contact info may not have been deliberate.

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I doubt that as my number isnt attached to his contact and i have a profile pic on my phone. The truth is i have known for a while as everywhere we have been together i have story regarding his ex for every place we visited. When i split with my ex husband i was single 3 years and when i met my current ex, he made me laugh again, gave me confidence and he was supportive as i was still being stalked by my ex husband who i eventually got a restraining order from, things just changed after 15 month and i guess by this time i felt trapped and humilated that i let someone else treat me badly. He is now out our lives and i am much happier.

 

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Well I am proud of you for getting rid of him and your ex. That takes strength.

Also, please never be embarrassed for being a normal, trusting, loving, kind person. All relationships start out wonderful and it takes time to see who the other person really is. Some people hide it better than others. The point is that when you do start to see problems, you walk away be it one date, three months, or even several years. This is why we date and why people always say to take your time before you move in or think about marriage and so on. It can take quite some time to see someone's true colors.

When someone flips the script and starts treating you badly, never ever be afraid or embarrassed to say "No, nope, not tolerating that. You are out."

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You're so right, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my money is mine without feeling the need to be careful about what i spend he case hes short. I have a busy life between work and my daughter so its not like a sit around moping or feeling sorry for myself that i didnt leave sooner. Thanks 

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Posted (edited)

I am curious who he unloaded his daughter on?

Do not give men anymore money.   

Glad you ended it with this creep.   Have you sought therapy for your abusive relationships.

Edited by Hollyj
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