Uncertainty

[xoxoc]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your obsession with trying to hang onto this toxic relationship is unhealthy. 

I just don’t want to believe that. It used to be so amazing. But then again he’s my first boyfriend, first love, first everything so I don’t really have anything healthy to compare it to.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, xoxoc said:

I just don’t want to believe that. It used to be so amazing. But then again he’s my first boyfriend, first love, first everything so I don’t really have anything healthy to compare it to.

And you never will as long as you keep clinging to toxicity.

[xoxoc]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And you never will as long as you keep clinging to toxicity.

When I left the guilt killed me though. I felt like it wasn’t fair to him and I was betraying him. And I literally just talked to him about relationship therapy a day ago. So what do I do now???

[xoxoc]

Just to update everyone, I finally left. It was rough but I did it and it’s been more than two weeks of absolutely zero contact. I’m in therapy, I’m reading books, I’m trying to mature in my friendships and family relationships. Things are getting better, slowly but surely. I know the pain will come back but I’m handling it well. I want to thank all of you so much for giving me a safe space to discuss these things without judgment and for giving me your advice.

[MissCanuck]

Good for you, OP. 

So many times we people stick around for far too long in unhealthy, dead-end relationships. Especially at your young age, it's hard to see around corners and know this wasn't the great love of your life. 

You're going to be much happier in the long-run now that you're putting this behind you. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, xoxoc said:

I know the pain will come back but I’m handling it well.

The pain may come back briefly, once or twice. But if you stay the course it will fade completely.

[smackie9]

Sounds like you are learning some valuable life's lessons. Good for you. This is a start to a great new beginning for you. 🙂

[Batya33]

On 5/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, xoxoc said:

Another thing I’ve worried about is that maybe my relationship isn’t even toxic and I’m just self-sabotaging. I cant get over the thought that maybe it’s just me pushing away something healthy because due to trauma I expect everything to be toxic in some way and can’t realize that something healthy is good for me. It’s a lot of back-and-forth thoughts inside my mind, wondering if it’s toxic or healthy, if it’s me or him, if I’m genuinely unhappy or if I’m scared, if I’m self-sabotaging or protecting myself…. I’m really not sure. I know that I need to go back to therapy but I don’t want to leave him forever and then realize later that I pushed someone who was good for me away.

It doesn't matter why.  Basic common sense is if you two are fighting this much and in this way it's not healthy, the end.  After you end things if you want to seek professional counseling of course do so.  It doesn't matter if it's because you're unhappy, scared, PMSing. 

If you wanted to choose different behavior when you feel angry you would - you would find ways and tools and mantras to stop, pause, breathe, and make better choices. Over and over again you choose to participate in these escalating arguments.  I don't think it's an age thing - my friend's daughter married when she was younger than you and was a mom by age 19, now almost a mom of three 6 years later with her husband.  They've been together since they were young, I'm sure they have disagreements and they don't fight as you describe and have never broken up.  Another friend of mine met her future husband at age 16, they married in their early 20s, married 34 years.  It depends on the people.

I don't think this is worth working on and I think you can choose to work on yourself after you move on.