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Am i incompatible with my partner?


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Hello. So me (17M) and my partner (16F) are very different. We've been together for over a year and have had our issues but always manage to get through them strong. We communicate well and try our best to address anything that is wrong. The problem is that we are can be different sometimes. For example, im more of a laid back person and i try not to worry too much about the future and she gets very stressed and anxious about a lot of things. Her anxiety and overthinking may create a few problems at times, like her having a problem with pretty much every girl i come in contact with. Im not talking about female friends, because i have none. Im talking about like classmates who sit next to me or girls from 4 years ago which i've spoken to. They make her very insecure and she always says how she thinks im going to leave her for these girls. I always try my best to provide her with the reassurance but sometimes i feel like what i tell her just leaves her brain the next day. I asked her if she would wanna consider seeing a therapist to help her with her issues with anxiety, insecurities and other mental problems. She said no and she doesn't like the idea of talking to a therapist about her issues, she said she'd rather deal with her problems herself. I did ask her like a lot of times so consider and she got frustrated so i stopped trying. I know i can help her with these things but i cannot provide her with such a perception that may change her thinking, im not a psychologist or some god. It just feels like she projects her insecurities into so many things and sometimes creates issues in the relationship, which isnt her fault. She has made progress and i tell her that im proud of her but i just think she's not a very open minded person and just wants to do everything herself.

Another thing i do not understand is how she approaches certain problems when we are either talking about them or arguing etc. Its hard to explain but for example, when i talk to her about my worries in the relationship or how i think she treated me unfairly she just sits there and ignores me. Like a few days i spoke to her about me having a problem with her ignoring my messages and acting very clueless on text. She asked a lot of questions about something but when i asked her something she was just like "what" and didnt seem to reply to it, its not that big of a deal but when it happens again and again it gets kind of annoying because you feel like your invisible almost. Anyways, so i spoke to her about this and she was just sitting there like -_- , doesnt say anything and when i ask her " can you say something?" she just says im listening. She always says how shes listening and digesting everything im saying but it really doesn't seem that way. Obviously everything ive said on this post i pretty much told her but her approach on things just makes me feel like she cares more about herself than me.

Yesterday i was supposed to stay over at her house and i spent the day there but she had her friend come over and stay ( which she told me like a few days prior). So obviously when her friend came i went home and spent my time in my room. Everything was fine we spoke on text she told me how she felt anxious and i told her everything is going to be okay ill see you soon etc. The time i was at home that night i felt quite drained from everything, i dont wanna get into detail but i just didnt feel good. I then got the urge to go outside at like 12 am, i asked a friend if he wants to meet up and he said yeah. We went outside and we listened to music, smoked a joint and went home. When i told her that i was smoking she told me how much i dont care about her etc because i told her before that apparently promised i wasnt going to smoke until this party which in a few weeks. I know that i said that but i dont remember making a promise to her. So she obviously was upset and i understand. But what i dont get is how she tells me that i dont care about her, i choose weed over her and all these other things when she pretty much cancelled our day together to spend w her friend so i went out and smoke a little.? Regardless of what i would've done it would not have changed her night with her friend. My thinking is if its not harming anyone and im not high around her it shouldn't affect the relationship no? I dont smoke everyday, or every week. Maybe like once every few weeks.

 

What i need advice on is how do i deal with all these problems. I can't make her be as chill as i am or cure her anxiety or make all her problems disappear but what can i do in my situation? This is my first time in a relationship so if anyone has any experience or any advice i would really appreciate it. She's the best thing that every happened to me and i don't want this to crumble.

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Sorry this is happening. even though there's only a one year difference she seems quite immature for you. Jealous, tantrums etc.

Just tell her you both need to be single and focus on studies, summer sports, etc., right now.

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You are both very young and it is great being young and in love but it should above all else be fun. You have to be responsible to each other though in relationships that you allow each other to grow into adulthood in a good way- you might be laid back and your concerned girlfriend is trying to keep you on the straight and narrow but in turn she has to learn about herself. Tell her see a therapist to iron out her anxieties if she is seriously wanting to better your future together.

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My friend’s daughter got married and became a mom as a teenager.  Age matters to an extent but of course teenagers can be seriously involved.  My mom and dad were engaged as teenagers.  
I think putting age aside you two are not a good match. You don’t communicate well and you don’t feel comfortable or at home with her.  It’s her choice as to whether fo seek therapy and your choice as to whether her subjecting you to all her anxiety and insecurities is too draining.  It would be for me. 

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53 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

i feel like what i tell her just leaves her brain the next day. I asked her if she would wanna consider seeing a therapist to help her with her issues with anxiety, insecurities and other mental problems. She said no and she doesn't like the idea of talking to a therapist about her issues, she said she'd rather deal with her problems herself.

And how is she doing this?  She can't exactly work on improving this while she's involved, obvious?

55 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

I know i can help her with these things but i cannot provide her with such a perception that may change her thinking

How is it you can do that?  YOU are the one she does not trust, and you said already, you've tried to reassure her..

 

58 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

The time i was at home that night i felt quite drained from everything, i

Yes, it is draining, with all the challenge & negativity.

 

59 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

i told her before that apparently promised i wasnt going to smoke until this party which in a few weeks. I know that i said that but i dont remember making a promise to her.

Is your choice & your life.. if this is how you roll, she cannot control this.

1 hour ago, lilwayne2015 said:

She's the best thing that every happened to me and i don't want this to crumble.

That's what you think ( imo).  You are just starting your life, so you have no previous experience.

But, you do have to sit back & look at all of this going on.  Her issue's will not change.  She does need ongoing support/assistance and until she gets the help and starts working on her issue's, this won't go away.

I was a challenged teen. I knew my issue's & I got some help through those times.

Her being involved with you will not 'help her'.  If anything, it can be setting her off more.

BUT, you cannot fix her & make her better.  This is how she is.

She will continue to pester you, forever, if you let her & continue this.

Are compatible, you asked.. Not really.

You both have some things to learn & experience.  And for you to stick around her will continue to 'drain you'. Not so good, is it? 😕 

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. even though there's only a one year difference she seems quite immature for you. Jealous, tantrums etc.

Just tell her you both need to be single and focus on studies, summer sports, etc., right now.

I told her i need some space for the next few days. Ill think about how i can improve everything.

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My friend’s daughter got married and became a mom as a teenager.  Age matters to an extent but of course teenagers can be seriously involved.  My mom and dad were engaged as teenagers.  
I think putting age aside you two are not a good match. You don’t communicate well and you don’t feel comfortable or at home with her.  It’s her choice as to whether fo seek therapy and your choice as to whether her subjecting you to all her anxiety and insecurities is too draining.  It would be for me. 

I do feel comfortable and at ease when im with her. But obviously not in all aspects. The relationship started very very rough and i was treated badly and i knew what type of person she was. She obviously changed but i knew what i was getting into at the start.

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

And how is she doing this?  She can't exactly work on improving this while she's involved, obvious?

How is it you can do that?  YOU are the one she does not trust, and you said already, you've tried to reassure her..

 

Yes, it is draining, with all the challenge & negativity.

 

Is your choice & your life.. if this is how you roll, she cannot control this.

That's what you think ( imo).  You are just starting your life, so you have no previous experience.

But, you do have to sit back & look at all of this going on.  Her issue's will not change.  She does need ongoing support/assistance and until she gets the help and starts working on her issue's, this won't go away.

I was a challenged teen. I knew my issue's & I got some help through those times.

Her being involved with you will not 'help her'.  If anything, it can be setting her off more.

BUT, you cannot fix her & make her better.  This is how she is.

She will continue to pester you, forever, if you let her & continue this.

Are compatible, you asked.. Not really.

You both have some things to learn & experience.  And for you to stick around her will continue to 'drain you'. Not so good, is it? 😕 

I agree. I wont be leaving her but i will see how things go and if things do not change i will need to tell her. The relationship started and i was treated very unfairly, she has changed but i guess i knew what i was getting into. Dont get me wrong there have been so many good things and positives but if there are serious issues like these then .. Aint that good

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7 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

I agree. I wont be leaving her but i will see how things go and if things do not change i will need to tell her.

Yeah, well do not let yourself get torn down by her.  You know how it is dealing with someone like this.  We can only take so much.

 

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14 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, well do not let yourself get torn down by her.  You know how it is dealing with someone like this.  We can only take so much.

 

Its very hard. Like if i tell her these things and how much they affect me, i feel guilty for saying that i wont be able to take it anymore etc. If i mention something about her and the way she acts, she always says how tired she is of being asked to change. 

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But that's the thing... she is tired of being asked to change. So, you can't keep doing that...

In ways, she gets to you and her, of you. 😕 

A partner is supposed to influence our life in a positive, not always ben miserable & expect to 'change'.

The thing is... neither of you are so happy around each other, right?

We need to be accepting of how our partners are, not 'expect' them to change.  We cannot change them, but accept who they are.. or not.

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8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

But that's the thing... she is tired of being asked to change. So, you can't keep doing that...

In ways, she gets to you and her, of you. 😕 

A partner is supposed to influence our life in a positive, not always ben miserable & expect to 'change'.

The thing is... neither of you are so happy around each other, right?

We need to be accepting of how our partners are, not 'expect' them to change.  We cannot change them, but accept who they are.. or not.

I accept her for who she is . But at the same time i dont want myself to get upset over the same issues. When i mean change i dont mean a massive change which would change her whole self. I mean the little things like actually trying to understand my problems and my issues with the relationship. Thats all i ever want. Her understanding. But yes i agree, asking her constantly wouldn't be ideal for her.

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I am assuming you two end up going there a lot?

Disagreements, issue's etc?  If so, that is a problem, right?

YOU want to feel understood, but you say she avoids it- goes silent, ignoring it? 

I guess, if you want to stick around, then I guess you don't go there, not be heard or understood and just move along...

BUT, communication is necessary in a relationship, as is trust.  And yes, it can take a lot out of you, as it takes energy.

So, I guess you can keep at it.

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I am assuming you two end up going there a lot?

Disagreements, issue's etc?  If so, that is a problem, right?

YOU want to feel understood, but you say she avoids it- goes silent, ignoring it? 

I guess, if you want to stick around, then I guess you don't go there, not be heard or understood and just move along...

BUT, communication is necessary in a relationship, as is trust.  And yes, it can take a lot out of you, as it takes energy.

So, I guess you can keep at it.

As i said ill see how it goes. I do not want to continue without having my problems be understood. Its just when i talk to her about these things she says that im moaning at her n ***. But thank you , whoever you are i appreciate your time and energy . I will update you on this thread in a few months time ! 

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1 hour ago, lilwayne2015 said:

I do feel comfortable and at ease when im with her. But obviously not in all aspects. The relationship started very very rough and i was treated badly and i knew what type of person she was. She obviously changed but i knew what i was getting into at the start.

No - my question is at bottom do you feel at home with her.  It's not about "aspects" -we all have our ups and downs, good and bad days - but at the very foundation at your core do you feel at home with her.  Look up the lyrics to Billy Joel's You're My Home.  That's what I'm talking about.  If at the start she treated you badly it's not going to get better.  

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No - my question is at bottom do you feel at home with her.  It's not about "aspects" -we all have our ups and downs, good and bad days - but at the very foundation at your core do you feel at home with her.  Look up the lyrics to Billy Joel's You're My Home.  That's what I'm talking about.  If at the start she treated you badly it's not going to get better.  

Yeah i get what youre saying. How she used to treat me and how she treats me now i night and day, she tells me how sorry she is and everything. But sometimes i feel like that person comes back on certain days

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1 minute ago, lilwayne2015 said:

Yeah i get what youre saying. How she used to treat me and how she treats me now i night and day, she tells me how sorry she is and everything. But sometimes i feel like that person comes back on certain days

No no it's not "that person". It is she.  She is the person.  She is sorry and her actions are not consistent with her words.  She has good intentions and is unwilling to put in the effort and change her actions to match her words.  What is it about her you like? Her looks? Do you feel like she's some kind of prize you have to win over?

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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No no it's not "that person". It is she.  She is the person.  She is sorry and her actions are not consistent with her words.  She has good intentions and is unwilling to put in the effort and change her actions to match her words.  What is it about her you like? Her looks? Do you feel like she's some kind of prize you have to win over?

I like her because she reminds me of me. Our energetic personalities and sense of humour match and we’re not just a couple but we’re bestfriends. I use to feel like that (that i have to win her over) maybe a year ago but not anymore as recently become less insecure and realised that she wants to be with me and not someone else. She did tell a boy how attractive he is  a week prior to us getting together lol. She also continued speaking to him until i said how it makes me feel but then she blocked him which i didnt ask but i guess thats her way of showing how little she cares about him? Sorry i went on a bit of a tangent here

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1 hour ago, lilwayne2015 said:

I accept her for who she is . But at the same time i dont want myself to get upset over the same issues. When i mean change i dont mean a massive change which would change her whole self. I mean the little things like actually trying to understand my problems and my issues with the relationship. Thats all i ever want. Her understanding. But yes i agree, asking her constantly wouldn't be ideal for her.

OP, ^ THIS is what you're in for as long as you stay with her.  This is who she is.  She can't, and won't change.  It's in her make-up.  Add to that, definitely being very young and immature has a lot to do with it too.  She still has a lot of growing up to do, but right now, she just doesn't seem to be capable of a mature relationship.

As to your question: "Am I incompatible with my partner?"  -  YES.  100% Yes.  This is going to be one those constant up and down, eventually dysfunctional relationships which in time will just suck the life out of you (imo).  I agree with Wiseman's post:  You both need to be single for a while, focus on your studies, sports etc etc. 

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18 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, ^ THIS is what you're in for as long as you stay with her.  This is who she is.  She can't, and won't change.  It's in her make-up.  Add to that, definitely being very young and immature has a lot to do with it too.  She still has a lot of growing up to do, but right now, she just doesn't seem to be capable of a mature relationship.

As to your question: "Am I incompatible with my partner?"  -  YES.  100% Yes.  This is going to be one those constant up and down, eventually dysfunctional relationships which in time will just suck the life out of you (imo).  I agree with Wiseman's post:  You both need to be single for a while, focus on your studies, sports etc etc. 

I appreciate you and the advice. At the end of the day i agree with what you’re saying but the idea of being single is all that appealing . The thing is neither of us know how a normal relationship should work and what is considered unhealthy or healthy. Both of ur parents are not together and even a lot of her friends r n ***ty unhappy relationships. Ill see how things are and will try to do everything in my power for things to get better, but i can only do so much. 

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Just now, lilwayne2015 said:

I appreciate you and the advice. At the end of the day i agree with what you’re saying but the idea of being single is all that appealing . The thing is neither of us know how a normal relationship should work and what is considered unhealthy or healthy. Both of ur parents are not together and even a lot of her friends r n ***ty unhappy relationships. Ill see how things are and will try to do everything in my power for things to get better, but i can only do so much. 

isnt* 

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7 minutes ago, lilwayne2015 said:

 At the end of the day i agree with what you’re saying but the idea of being single is all that appealing . The thing is neither of us know how a normal relationship should work and what is considered unhealthy or healthy. Both of ur parents are not together and even a lot of her friends r n ***ty unhappy relationships. Ill see how things are and will try to do everything in my power for things to get better, but i can only do so much. 

Well, going by what you have shared with us, this relationship is leaning towards the unhealthy side.  Jealousy, tantrums etc - not good.  I understand you are both very young but if she's already displaying that jealousy streak in her, believe me, it won't magically disappear as she gets older - usually it only increases over time and gets worse.

It's very admiral of you to try and work things out, but never stay in a relationship just because you don't want to be single. That's setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache in your future if that's the road you choose to go down.

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55 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

It's very admiral of you to try and work things out, but never stay in a relationship just because you don't want to be single. That's setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache in your future if that's the road you choose to go down.

I agree. It's cray-cray or nothing?

Choose nothing, then learn what can happen for you down the road.

If you hem yourself into the crazy, you'll deprive yourself of a reasonable adolescence and an alternate course toward the kind of real growth you deserve. That means you'll also deprive yourself of the kind of healthy and FUN relationships, including friendships, that can develop from that.

Too serious, too early, spells a stunting of normal development that you can never get back.

These are still formative years for you. Why sink them into someone else's toxicity?

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

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10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I agree. It's cray-cray or nothing?

Choose nothing, then learn what can happen for you down the road.

If you hem yourself into the crazy, you'll deprive yourself of a reasonable adolescence and an alternate course toward the kind of real growth you deserve. That means you'll also deprive yourself of the kind of healthy and FUN relationships, including friendships, that can develop from that.

Too serious, too early, spells a stunting of normal development that you can never get back.

These are still formative years for you. Why sink them into someone else's toxicity?

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

Ill give it a month and see how things are. Hard decisions lead to an easy life .

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, lilwayne2015 said:

I appreciate you and the advice. At the end of the day i agree with what you’re saying but the idea of being single is all that appealing . The thing is neither of us know how a normal relationship should work and what is considered unhealthy or healthy. Both of ur parents are not together and even a lot of her friends r n ***ty unhappy relationships. Ill see how things are and will try to do everything in my power for things to get better, but i can only do so much. 

You do not need to know how a normal relationship should work in this particular, extreme situation.  Are you feeling content, at peace and/or happy the majority of the time? Just like with anything in life that is the basic common sense measure.  Be honest with yourself.  You call her your best friend and yet you say she has treated you badly and she hasn't taken the appropriate actions to change her behavior.  She apologized but her actions don't match her words.

Edited by Batya33
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