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Hello,

 

I've been dating a girl for about a month and our relationship is building up nicely.

She hasn't had a great deal of previous partners, likewise nor have I. It's kind of meant that in my mind I don't feel threatened with being inadequate or anything and I have nothing to be jealous or fearful of.

My ex though, she had a lot more partners than me. Of which she said came from a time in her life where she had left an abusive relationship and was desperately searching for someone to find her attractive, or want her. When we got together she referenced how she was no longer like this and regrets how she was.

 

For some reason I keep thinking about her past and how, even though we were together for 2 years, I was just another guy and that to her, sex was just something you did regardless of how connected you were to the person.

 

Now I'm really into the new girl I'm dating and her past doesn't bother me in the slightest. She has kids, has been married and obviously had sexual partners. However the ex with more partners still bothers me.

 

Can anyone give insight into why I am thinking like this? It's really annoying me that I can spend time breaking down in my head things that the ex did and said in relation to her sexual past where as with this current girl and anyone else I've been with doesn't bother me at all.

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42 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

Can anyone give insight into why I am thinking like this?

You said it yourself:

42 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

It's kind of meant that in my mind I don't feel threatened with being inadequate or anything and I have nothing to be jealous or fearful of.

It has to do with your own sense of inadequacy, fear, and jealousy. Certain situations (like a girlfriend's sexual history) make that insecurity more or less obvious to you. But the issue is in you, and it will follow you around and influence your relationships unless you decide to address it head-on. 

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You have only been dating for a month and you are obsessing about your ex?  That is not a good sign and doesn't bode well for this relationship.  I agree you aren't over your ex.

How long ago did you break up?  Did you break up with her or the other way around?

This early on you would think this new girl would be all you think about and yet your ex fills your thoughts.

  Some people bring out the best in us and some people bring out the worst. your ex brought out your insecurities and fears whereas the others (including this new girl) do not.  You don't need to know intricacies of why it happened only that it did and she is no longer in your life so don't fuss over it and focus on the good you have right now.

  There are a lot of threads on here similar to yours where a guy is all messed up over the number of guys their new gf has been with.  I always ask them what is the correct number?  2? 6? 11?  One less than you?  This is all a form of judging unfairly because how you feel about yourself, not what type of person they are. 

You need to stop thinking about this as no good will come from it.  Each time you find yourself thinking about your ex switch to the things that are good in your life.  She is an ex and should be in your past, not your present.

  Lost

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4 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

Can anyone give insight into why I am thinking like this? It's really annoying me that I can spend time breaking down in my head things that the ex did and said in relation to her sexual past where as with this current girl and anyone else I've been with doesn't bother me at all.

Why is this coming up now when you're with your new gf.. Be thankful and grateful that you have found a partner who accepts you as well. You're trying too hard to make sense of your insecurities and creating more issues. Heal. Learn. Play.

Learn to appreciate what you do have. 

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I think it depends whether the person who was promiscuous stopped the habit /pattern or changed her attitude towards sex.  If only the former then yes to her sex doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have an emotional connection but you can.  But it also doesn’t mean she thought of you as nobody special.  That has to do with a lot more than sex. Maybe she also reevaluated her underlying values about sex as well as her acting out by being promiscuous.  But I’m not sure why you’re limiting your analysis to sex when considering whether she thought of you as someone special. 

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You're asking us why you choose to ruminate about the history of an ex?

You're the best one to answer that. It sounds like a big waste of time and energy to me.

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9 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

Now I'm really into the new girl I'm dating

Are you?

The reason I question this is because in your last thread just a few weeks ago, you said you actually weren't that physically attracted to her and weren't sure if it was right to continue dating. 

My strong sense that is that you want to be into your new girl because on paper she's a good woman, but you just aren't - and you're not over your ex. 

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12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you?

The reason I question this is because in your last thread just a few weeks ago, you said you actually weren't that physically attracted to her and weren't sure if it was right to continue dating. 

My strong sense that is that you want to be into your new girl because on paper she's a good woman, but you just aren't - and you're not over your ex. 

Hey, thanks for this.

 

You are right, a few weeks ago, I was unsure but we have spent more and more time together and I can definitely feel that I'm getting feelings.

 

With regards to this stuff about the ex, it seems to be moreso that her sexual past always played on my mind. The reasoning for this whole post is that why am I finding it hard to accept that ex's past whereas anybody else I've been involved with, their past just doesn't bother me. I know she's an ex and right now I have nothing to do with her whatsoever but I think it's maybe a feeling of inadequacy or something on my part. That someone could have had so many partners,maybe it's soured my view of her, maybe I wish I had been a bit more like she was. I don't know.

 

When this girl I'm dating now references her past, it doesn't phase me at all. Maybe due to how she's had similar number of partners to me. Again, I really don't know.

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24 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

When this girl I'm dating now references her past, it doesn't phase me at all. Maybe due to how she's had similar number of partners to me. Again, I really don't know.

You have only been around her for a month?  All is brand new & great, I'm sure.

Takes time to get to know someone really well & who they are. I doubt you're there yet... with this one.

For you, things may change 3 months from now.. maybe 6 months, or a year- you don't know.

Everyone has a past & their secrets....

As asked, when did you two split up?  Was it a while before this one? - I am thinking that maybe the ex made a bit of an impact on you.. and not sure you're all over that, yet?

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47 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You have only been around her for a month?  All is brand new & great, I'm sure.

Takes time to get to know someone really well & who they are. I doubt you're there yet... with this one.

For you, things may change 3 months from now.. maybe 6 months, or a year- you don't know.

Everyone has a past & their secrets....

As asked, when did you two split up?  Was it a while before this one? - I am thinking that maybe the ex made a bit of an impact on you.. and not sure you're all over that, yet?

We split up march 2020 and since then I've been in one other relationship.

I do miss her a lot as we had a great time together but I've accepted we are no more.

 

Plus with the girl I'm dating now there are lot more similarities with each other. 

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Ok, from now forward, limit 'ex and past' talks, particularly sexual pasts. 

That is really for spin-the-bottle/truth-or-dare tween games, not adults.

Focus on here and now and the woman in front of you or your distraction will turn her off and you'll be pining for a ghost.

 If ruminating, comparing, insecurities, etc., are inhibiting your happiness, have a few sessions with a therapist to sort that (and appropriate boundaries) out.

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3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

That someone could have had so many partners,maybe it's soured my view of her, maybe I wish I had been a bit more like she was. I don't know.

Maybe you are wondering if you've judged her too harshly.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok I´ll give it a try:

You are shocked how easily people (women) can find sexual partners and how many there are. You are just one fish in a big ocean. With other women, it does not bother you because you have not seen their mental attitude towards this or you find their mental attitude towards this understandable. E.g. a woman has had a lot of relationships and therefore known a lot of men.

But the sheer disregard of your ex for emotional bonds and focusing only on the physical part (sex) has shocked you, because it is so easy for her to get just sex and every man of the planet could fulfill this. So what´s the difference between you and any other man on this planet? Actually, to be honest, if you just focus on the physical part, there are a lot of men better than you and a lot of man in close proximity that are better than you. Because your ex had this "emotional disconnection", she appears unreachable and this creates a strong desire inside you.

What you have to consider is this: Getting sex is quite easy (for a woman), but finding a person she can connect with emotionally is much much rarer. Try to value yourself more and find your own value.

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