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My BM /ex girlfriend of 10 years.


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Ok so my ex girlfriend and I broke up about 7-8 months ago and were living together still until about 3 months ago she got her own place living alone because I found out she was already talking to someone 15 years older than her. They are currently in their relationship but we still keep contact because of our 2 children.. we have them week to week. I hate how she already has already introduced him to our kids so early. He already has 4 kids of his own a 40year old dude. And here's the other part that has me more confused. She still says she loves me and we have intimate moments whenever she wants too behind his back. She's only had sex with him 1 time so she says and all the other times she wants with me. I try to keep my distance but it still happens on occasions.. ladies ?? What does she want or mean? She has me so confused. I feel like she regrets what she did in moving in that new relationship the way she did but I know she has some type of feeling for him too.. idk what to do.. !!! Help?? 

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Why are you doing this to yourself?   This is really messed up.  

Your ex is using poor judgement by exposing your kids to the guy so early.  How do you know it is only once?

Why did you break up?   

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Talk to an attorney to officially establish a custody agreement and see if you can dictate some reasonable terms (no overnight boyfriend when kids are sleeping over and so forth).

You say she is sleeping with you behind his back? Stop sleeping with her. no kissing. no making out. NOTHING. you are contributing to all this if you continue that. Focus on your kids. Be a good dad. Offer stability. No girlfriends.  Offer them consistency and don't act like you are together with their mother And DO NOT call her a BM/Baby Momma. Its demeaning.

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23 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why are you doing this to yourself?   This is really messed up.  

Your ex is using poor judgement by exposing your kids to the guy so early.  How do you know it is only once?

Why did you break up?   

Well supposedly she only said its been once but tbh I don't even believe it anymore cause shes lied so much to me about a few things.. like I found out the guy has gone over a couple times the weeks she has my kids because my 2 girls (4,3 year olds ) told me. He's gone with them once to a birthday party too like *** that's too much too soon. And our reason for our break up was that she said she was just tired of everything with us.. like we were a little un financially stable but during this pandemic who wasn't and she was trying to do so many things all at once at the moment and then claims I wasn't showing her enough love.. like tbh anyone who knows me knew I showed her love in any way possible. But idk I'm just confused. I've been trying to not text her when she texts me.. or if I do I wait a few hours so she knows she's not my priority anymore.. my kids are. 

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16 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

Talk to an attorney to officially establish a custody agreement and see if you can dictate some reasonable terms (no overnight boyfriend when kids are sleeping over and so forth).

You say she is sleeping with you behind his back? Stop sleeping with her. no kissing. no making out. NOTHING. you are contributing to all this if you continue that. Focus on your kids. Be a good dad. Offer stability. No girlfriends.  Offer them consistency and don't act like you are together with their mother And DO NOT call her a BM/Baby Momma. Its demeaning.

Thanks I will look into that. And yes I try not too because I know it's wrong and she is always the one who initiates the contact. I've been nothing but the best for my girls (4,3) and tbh they prefer me over their mom but I never make them choose. And yes I don't call her BM because I don't like how it sounds. I just call her by her name. 

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Posted (edited)
47 minutes ago, Cdot9 said:

3 months ago she got her own place living alone.  we still keep contact because of our 2 children.. we have them week to week. 

Excellent. Continue to focus on good co-parenting. Unfortunately it's unwise she's introducing the kids to men she's dating, but not much you can do about that.

 To avoid confusion, focus on co-parenting and avoid "intimate moments". Playing texting wait games serves no purpose. If she needs to text about the kids, you need to respond.

Edited by Wiseman2
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31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Continue to focus on good co-parenting. Unfortunately it's unwise she's introducing the kids to men she's dating, but not much you can do about that.

 To avoid confusion, focus on co-parenting and avoid "intimate moments". Playing texting wait games serves no purpose. If she needs to text about the kids, you need to respond.

Yeah I mean I play the waiting game when she just wants to have a text conversation but when she asked about our kids or vice versa then thats when it's a quick response. 

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30 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Are you working and supporting your kids?

Yes I am working and yes I support them. But I don't give her anything because on the weeks she doesn't have them.. shes out and about with her friends, partying and going on getaways and etc.. so she has to be stable for her to be doing all of that. But when I have my kids I buy them clothes and stuff they need.

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11 minutes ago, Cdot9 said:

Yeah I mean I play the waiting game when she just wants to have a text conversation but when she asked about our kids or vice versa then thats when it's a quick response. 

Good. Yes avoid nonsense chitchat and redirect to the kids. How's (kids names) or (kids names) are playing, gotta go etc.

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Posted (edited)

OK I found out through someone who is in a similar situation...it's not up to you or your spouse to decide how to handle custody or support, etc, it needs to be done through the courts. Get a lawyer, do it legally.

Edited by smackie9
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7 hours ago, Cdot9 said:

our 2 children.. we have them week to week. I hate how she already has already introduced him to our kids so early. He already has 4 kids of his own a 40year old dude. And here's the other part that has me more confused. She still says she loves me and we have intimate moments whenever she wants too behind his back. She's only had sex with him 1 time so she says and all the other times she wants with me.

 

SHE is not stable.

She's moved on because you two are no longer together. So, she probably grabbed at the first guy who paid her some attention 😕 

Yes, I'm sure she does still feel for you - (emotionally invested), while she is trying to move on... BUT, she hasn't , fully. - So, most likely a rebound. - These things end as fast as they start, usually.

You are aware of her being with him, so you should really back away.. far away.

This isn't good for you.. or her.

As for the courts, this should all be dealt with legally, yes.

Whomever has the kids the most (primary caregiver) will be the one who receives support payments.  The other gets them for visitation, usually weekends. - this will all be sorted out & agreed upon thru your lawyers.

 

 

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Sounds as though she likes proving to herself that she still has you wound around her finger.

Have you sought legal advice to protect yourself financially and your children from new boyfriends?

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She may come around for affection because if she does, you won't file for any formal custody. Yes, you may have to pay child support (sometimes child support is zero if you equally have the kids and make about the same money and pay for expenses equitably. Who knows), but this way you have proof that you are supporting the kids and she will never be able to bar you from seeing the kids because she wants a boyfriend to be the "new dad". 

Do it without telling her what you are doing. Who knows, if you get a lawyer that sympathizes with dads who aren't the ones who left, you could get more custody than you think.  And you do have a say about the kids living arrangement

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