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Did I get used? Or should I just text him?


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Long story, as usual....but should I text this guy? Or did he use me?

Well, I started chatting with a guy on OkCupid last week.  We started chatting then I gave him my number.  He called me after, we talked, I had to go, but he started texting me.  We ended up texting until 2 in the morning.  He texted me in the morning and throughout the day and said that he wanted to meet me that night.  I honestly had plans already and told him that I was busy but he asked if I could just meet him for a few minutes.  I agreed.  He met me after I met with my friends and we sat outside of a restaurant and talked for almost an hour.  

I'll admit, physically, I wasn't attracted to him.  But talking to him was very nice.  It was really good conversation.  He was very attentive, took my hand and held it, off and on.  It was really nice.  I had to go, but he said that he was very glad that I met with him and that he wanted to kiss me goodnight.  I let him and the kiss was very nice.  He asked if I was actually going to call him again, I said I would, and that was it.

I agreed to go out with him again on Saturday.  We went to lunch, then back to his place where we talked, a lot, but then ended up sleeping together.  Afterwards, he asked me again if I was actually going to call him again, I told him I would. 

Of course, since then, we've talked for a little bit once a day, but not like before.  Then I told him Sunday that  I was free all day on Thursday and he said that he was, too, so we made plans to get together then.  So, I'm kind of learning to not be so needy and not chase after these guys, so I've kind of adopted the "if he wants to talk to me, he will"...so one day, I didn't hear from him, so I didn't text him.  He texted me late that night asking "why I'd been so quiet?".  I just told him that I didn't want to bother him if he was busy and he said that I would never bother him.  

So anyway, Wednesday comes and he texts me saying that he had a long day and he had to go to Maryland for work (it's about 3 hours away).  I told him that I was looking forward to seeing him on Thursday, but I understand how work is, and that it was ok.  He said that he was pretty sure that he would be back sometime Thursday so we should still be able to see each other.  Thursday comes and he texts me good morning and we chat for a little bit, but I don't hear from him most of the day.  He texts me around 5 saying that he'd be home by 8, if I still wanted to meet up.  I tell him that I can't wait.  But then around 630, he texts me saying that he had to pull over because his car was making noises and that he'd have to take a rain check because the place that he had it towed to was closed and couldn't look at it then.  That was the last that I heard from him.

Sorry that I posted a literal book.  I'm trying to get back into this dating thing, but I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm trying to not make the same mistakes, lol.  He's a nice guy and I'd like to keep seeing him, but I'd rather get rid of him before I start to have real feelings for him if he's lying to me.   What do guy guys think?  Did I get used for sex?  Or do I not have to hear from him everyday for him to want to date?

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I don't see where a problem is?

Sounds like you two have been having continous communications and it does sound like he is interested.

Even when things went quiet for a day and he messaged you. (as it should go both ways).

So, I don't know if or why you may think he used you? 

You only began last week... take it easy.

At this time, leave him be.  If he has car problems on his way home, I'm sure he is a little stressed 😕 .

So... just try to relax a bit, and give it all time.  No need to rush anything at this time as you two get to know each other.

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4 hours ago, JandJMom said:

Did I get used for sex?

Nobody used anybody. You both wanted to have sex, no? 

I would try to relax. See what the next couple days bring. But remember, you made your own choices going into this, in terms of having sex right away. Nothing wrong with that at all, but own your role in it. Perhaps hold off in the future if you find you get into your feelings quickly when you are intimate with a guy. 

 

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7 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I agreed to go out with him again on Saturday.  We went to lunch, then back to his place where we talked, a lot, but then ended up sleeping together.  

Sounds like a decent dating situation/hookup.

It seems like you're the one pushing him away because you're not that attracted in the first place.

Don't play games. If you like him well enough, communicate.

If the hookups turn you off, rather than ghosting him like this, tell him it's not working out, good bye, good luck,etc.,etc.,etc.

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I dont really think he would insist if you are gona call, send you "good morning" messages and stuff like that if his ultimate goal was just to sleep with you. You are new, you dont have to hear or see him every day. His "alibi" for Thursday is kinda flimsy but who knows, maybe it checks out. Take a raincheck and give it a few days to see.

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I texted him last night just telling him that it was a long busy day (which it was, work, son's tutoring, and daughter's softball game) but that I was thinking of him and that I hope that he had a good day.  No response, but it was kind of late when I sent it. 

How often should I text him?  People have told me that if he wants to talk to you he will...I've never thought like that, but then people say that I'm chasing when I message them first.  Lol, I just don't know how this works.  If I text him good morning, but I texted him last night with no response, is that too much?  I'm overthinking, lol.  I don't know how to casually date, I like him, but at this point if he doesn't text me back, I won't be super hurt.  But if I keep going a few weeks like this, I might. So I want to avoid that. 

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11 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

If I text him good morning, but I texted him last night with no response, is that too much?  

In my opnion, yes, that would be too much. 

Give him time to respond. You will never be able to determine his true interest if you have to nudge him to communicate. 

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Posted (edited)
48 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I texted him last night just telling him that it was a long busy day (which it was, work, son's tutoring, and daughter's softball game) but that I was thinking of him and that I hope that he had a good day.

Did you happen to ask how it went with his car? I'm actually kind of curious lol...

48 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I'm overthinking, lol.

Yeah. Based on what you're writing about it here, and the kinds of questions you are asking, I think you're in a state of high anxiety in general. I can understand why, based on your past posts. Also, casual dating is stressful, especially when you're not a 20-something with unlimited time and energy, and no responsibilities.

Based on your past threads, it looks like you've had a rough couple of years. That has to have taken a toll on you. Have you started making time to process the past and heal from it? I know you're lonely, but I think you'll feel even more lonely if you start settling for random casual encounters.

Edited by Jibralta
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I do think you slept with him too soon. Not because he is using you, but because you didn't give the situation enough time to unfold. And now you're not in a good headspace.

Sleeping with someone can cause us to attach to the person.  But that doesn't mean they also attached.  It depends on the person. 

You weren't all that attracted but now you're in a bunch over this guy. It's a tough call.... humans need sex. I can see how it happened so quick. so please don't think I'm putting you down. I understand. 

Now that you've texted him just wait and see.  If he does blow you off,  it's okay.  Maybe there's a lesson here that will help you for next time.  Don't put yourself in situations, so early, for things to get hot and heavy. It's hard for sexually active people to just 'make out'. it's going to lead to sex. 

I think a lot of people are meeting on line, having sex, the end. So some might pass you by if you don't have sex.  but it also saves you the heartache in the long run.  You could always take the stance that you're not looking for an instant relationship so if the guy is having sex with others, it's none of your business. 

Seems like he is insecure, too... asking if your going to call.  So you guys probably need to talk about what your actually looking for in a relationship. 

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Your comment about "I didn't want to bother you" spells of low self worth. Avoid that sort of talk in the future. Confidence is the best attractor.

And no, at the beginning, don't double text with no response.

You said you weren't initially attracted to him. Did his personality win you over and make him more attractive in your eyes? Or are you so lonely that you're settling?

Dating someone new isn't easy. It always involves anxiety because it's being vulnerable with your heart. No way around that. Best to keep positive thoughts that no matter what happens, you're strong enough to handle it.

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42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Your comment about "I didn't want to bother you" spells of low self worth.

Yes. You have to build that up, or you will end up with someone who takes advantage of you.

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You said you weren't initially attracted to him. Did his personality win you over and make him more attractive in your eyes? Or are you so lonely that you're settling?

Something else to watch out for. I think you are especially vulnerable right now.

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Well, I texted him last night just telling him that it was a long busy day but that I hope that he had a good day and that I was thinking about him.  It was kind of late, around 1030 at night, so I wasn't truly expecting an answer.  Well, he texted this morning, said that he missed me and that he was free tonight.  I told him great, that I would text him when I got off and he said please do.  Texted him after work, just telling him that I'd gotten off and if he still wanted to meet up to let me know and haven't heard from him.  Sooooo, lol, it's fine.  But I'm done with that.  

But thank you for all of your advice!  I'm just going to not do this anymore for awhile 🙃

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6 hours ago, JandJMom said:

 said that he missed me and that he was free tonight. 

Unfortunately, sounds like he's interested in hooking up.

Late night texts, no plans, just "hey I'm off work", etc.

Take a break if you are not ready willing or able to date.

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Why set yourself up for the high-tension of an all-or-nothing deal with every text?

Instead of trying to form an insta-relationship by sleeping with a stranger and expecting a great bond to form from that (or else he must have used you), why not rethink 'dating' to get to know someone?

First, decide whether you are 'casual' material or 'relationship' material.

Conflating those two things makes a mess. You can pretend your want casual while projecting relationship expectations onto instant sex, and then boom! A high-stress limbo that boxes you into a corner because you don't want to 'act' needy since you've already set your bar of 'casual' so low.

Skip that. Get clear with yourself, first, about where you want to stand on relationships, and then you can clearly communicate what you are seeking before you even need to meet a guy. 

Try getting to KNOW people, over t.i.m.e. on real dates that don't end up at his home or yours. If someone isn't willing to do that, then what should that tell you?

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