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Hey guys! I really really need some advice!! So my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. I’m 26, he’s 30. We’ve been through your normal ups and downs but nothing too bad. So recently, he fell behind on his bills and couldn’t really afford to pay them all at once so he asked if he could stay with me for a month to save up. To be honest, I felt extremely blindsided. I had never lived with a boyfriend. This is my first apartment on my own I had just moved in right before we met. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to enjoy it on my own for very long before I met him. And now he’s asking to stay with me? Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy! He’s attentive, sweet, and helpful and so caring. It’s not about him, I just LOVE my space and I wasn’t ready give it up just yet after I’d been living with siblings all my life. I felt as though he was putting me in a very tough position because I literally had to decide at that moment, on the fly. But I couldn’t say no. Where else would he go? So I thought to myself, okay, it’s only a month so it’ll be fine. I can’t tell him no, he’ll be homeless and what kind of girlfriend would I be? He asked to be here for a month but I knew it would probably be more like 2 months so I was prepared for that. Fast forward, it’s now been 6 months. Honestly, we have been getting along okay despite a few arguments. But I can’t help but want my space back sometimes. Not trying to bash him at all because he helps out, but I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job! So that makes me even more bitter about him being here. I planned to let him stay here rent free for a couple of months so that he could save. But here we are several months later and he hasn’t even offered to pay the WiFi bill at the very least, which is $60 a month. I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out...

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Posted (edited)
41 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now.  he asked if he could stay with me for a month to save up.

I thought to myself, okay, it’s only a month so it’ll be fine.  it’s now been 6 months.  I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job.

Ask him to leave. He's taking advantage and mooching. You need to save for your and your child's future.

If there is no rental agreement, he still has some rights, so look things up and give him notice.

He's won't be 'homeless", he has a job and can find a room, house share, etc. He can apply for social services for food, housing, medical assistance, etc.

You're not the welfare dept. or a homeless shelter. Your child needs to come first.

Also be wary of someone who hustles you into making an on-the-spot decision (you don't want) with a bogus sob story and men who want to be around mothers with children. 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Anybody could've predicted this and you didn't. He said a month. How realistic was this when if he was behind on bills, that he could pay them all off plus come up with 1st and last month's rent plus a deposit to get into a new lease?

Anyway, the only thing you can do is be honest. Tell him you'd been enjoying your own space, he'd said it'd be a month and that wasn't the case, and now it's time for him to find a new place.

If he can't handle the news and the relationship ends, it means he was using you as the reliable person you are to make up for his shortcomings. A decent guy would realize that there was no discussion of a permanent move-in, a mutual decision, and it's only fair he now moves out. If he has hurt feelings, oh well. This wan't the arrangement.

You really should have told him to begin with that it wasn't a good idea--that your child needed stability in his home, and that someone temporarily moving in wasn't in your child's best interest.

He's been an adult for a dozen years. If he isn't financially stable by now, perhaps that's something to consider for nixing him as a lifetime partner. Best to have a "what you see is what you get" instead of hoping this is just an off month for him. You're not happy combining a household with him, so what would change in that area if you eventually did move in together. Isn't this a glimpse into a future you don't want?

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30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

mooching

To be honest, I don’t think he’s mooching. I really think that he’s just gotten comfortable not having to pay anything. I don’t think it’s intentional or malicious or him trying to take advantage. He’s a very caring person and always try to make me happy. He knows me and knows I’m a very independent, strong minded person and I’ll kick him to the curb if I EVER felt taken advantage of. That being said, I completely understand why you would say that. Judging only by what I’ve shared, it’s a realistic assumption. I don’t think he would mind helping out, it just pisses me off that he doesn’t offer. And the fact that I’m really ready for my space back makes matters worse.

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9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Anyway, the only thing you can do is be honest. Tell him you'd been enjoying your own space, he'd said it'd be a month and that wasn't the case, and now it's time for him to find a new place.

Yes! This is true. I figured it wouldn’t be a month that’s why I planned for two. He told me he had a bit saved so from not having to pay his rent that month so I didn’t know exactly how much he had. He knows his finances better than I do, so if he asked for a month then that’s what I expected. Maybe he knows something I don’t. But I don’t want to seem cruel. Because I’m sure he’s thinking “we’ve been together for a year so why move out at this point?” But in my head it’s like “we had an agreement. And although we have been getting along, I wasn’t ready to give half my space to someone after only being here for only a month before we met.” I know if I tell him I want my space back, in his head it’ll translate to me wanting to break up so I’m confused and torn.

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His reasoning is likely along the lines of "she would be paying these bills if I weren't here anyway so what is the difference" and shrugging it off. This is your cue to be vocal and let him know that you would appreciate x contribution and be clear about how much you'd expect if it's a 50/50 split for example.

Regarding getting your place back in totality, that is another conversation. You might want to decide first whether you would like to live separately and date or whether this is a bills/contribution issue. If you want to live on your own awhile more, explain that to him but reassure him that you're still in the relationship and committed. See what he says. 

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1 hour ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Hey guys! I really really need some advice!! So my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. I’m 26, he’s 30. We’ve been through your normal ups and downs but nothing too bad. So recently, he fell behind on his bills and couldn’t really afford to pay them all at once so he asked if he could stay with me for a month to save up. To be honest, I felt extremely blindsided. I had never lived with a boyfriend. This is my first apartment on my own I had just moved in right before we met. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to enjoy it on my own for very long before I met him. And now he’s asking to stay with me? Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy! He’s attentive, sweet, and helpful and so caring. It’s not about him, I just LOVE my space and I wasn’t ready give it up just yet after I’d been living with siblings all my life. I felt as though he was putting me in a very tough position because I literally had to decide at that moment, on the fly. But I couldn’t say no. Where else would he go? So I thought to myself, okay, it’s only a month so it’ll be fine. I can’t tell him no, he’ll be homeless and what kind of girlfriend would I be? He asked to be here for a month but I knew it would probably be more like 2 months so I was prepared for that. Fast forward, it’s now been 6 months. Honestly, we have been getting along okay despite a few arguments. But I can’t help but want my space back sometimes. Not trying to bash him at all because he helps out, but I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job! So that makes me even more bitter about him being here. I planned to let him stay here rent free for a couple of months so that he could save. But here we are several months later and he hasn’t even offered to pay the WiFi bill at the very least, which is $60 a month. I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out...

Get this loser out!  Why has he not split the bills with you?  You should not have allowed him to move in if you barely knew him. 

You  need to learn boundaries and how to say no.  I would be done with his guy as he has used you .  Kick him out! 

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

arding getting your place back in totality, that is another conversation. You might want to decide first whether you would like to live separately and date or whether this is a bills/contribution issue. If you want to live on your own awhile more, explain that to him but reassure him that you're still in the relationship and committed. See what he says. 

Yes! This is what I struggle with. I don’t want to break up but I do want my space back. As far as bills are concerned, yes I am annoyed and confused that he doesn’t help. I would assume any man would make it a point to contribute to the roof over his head. He contributes, but not towards monthly bills. But I mostly just want my space back. I know we’re together, but we’re not married and this was a very premature decision that I had to make on the spot, which has me a bit jaded although I know he can’t tell. I feel that he thinks it’s okay just because we’re a couple. If I were anyone else, he probably would’ve moved out in that first month!

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25 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

it just pisses me off that he doesn’t offer. And the fact that I’m really ready for my space back makes matters worse.

Ok, develop an exit plan for him.

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Posted (edited)
26 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

To be honest, I don’t think he’s mooching. I really think that he’s just gotten comfortable not having to pay anything. I don’t think it’s intentional or malicious or him trying to take advantage. He’s a very caring person and always try to make me happy. He knows me and knows I’m a very independent, strong minded person and I’ll kick him to the curb if I EVER felt taken advantage of. That being said, I completely understand why you would say that. Judging only by what I’ve shared, it’s a realistic assumption. I don’t think he would mind helping out, it just pisses me off that he doesn’t offer. And the fact that I’m really ready for my space back makes matters worse.

He is a mooch and should be ashamed of himself.  You should be putting your child’s future first.  You really need to wake up.  
 

you should not have to say anything.  He is a user. 

Edited by Hollyj
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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Get this loser out!  Why has he not split the bills with you?  You should not have allowed him to move in if you barely knew him. 

You  need to learn boundaries and how to say no.  I would be done with his guy as he has used you .  Kick him out! 

I met him a month after I moved in my apartment. But we had been together for 6 months when he moved in. So I did know him a bit. I agree I should learn to say no but I honestly just thought I was helping him out for a while. We all need help at some point so I didn’t want to turn him away. I had no clue it would turn out this way 

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4 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Yes! This is what I struggle with. I don’t want to break up but I do want my space back. As far as bills are concerned, yes I am annoyed and confused that he doesn’t help. I would assume any man would make it a point to contribute to the roof over his head. He contributes, but not towards monthly bills. But I mostly just want my space back. I know we’re together, but we’re not married and this was a very premature decision that I had to make on the spot, which has me a bit jaded although I know he can’t tell. I feel that he thinks it’s okay just because we’re a couple. If I were anyone else, he probably would’ve moved out in that first month!

Ok, first talk with him. Try not to let this balloon out. No one is talking about breaking up. He only needs to know how to contribute if you want him to stay. You have to decide if you want him to stay or for him to find his own place. Don't make decisions for him or assume too much of what he may think or feel. Just decide first what you want.

 

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Try not to let this balloon out. No one is talking about breaking up. He only needs to know how to contribute if you want him to stay. You have to decide if you want him to stay or for him to find his own place.

I mentioned something to him once before just trying to see where his head was. But I didn’t want to come off harsh so I said “are you still looking for an apartment? I haven’t heard you say anything about it in a while” he immediately got offended and thought that I wanted him out. We hadn’t even gotten to the part about still being together because he instantly got upset about me even asking that much.

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1 minute ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I mentioned something to him once before just trying to see where his head was. But I didn’t want to come off harsh so I said “are you still looking for an apartment? I haven’t heard you say anything about it in a while” he immediately got offended and thought that I wanted him out. We hadn’t even gotten to the part about still being together because he instantly got upset about me even asking that much.

But that is the point. He thought that you wanted him out and that is the point you were making. .

He got the point but you were too afraid to follow through with that thought. If you do want to date for awhile in separate residences, my advice is to follow through next time and let him know that you prefer to live separately. I would not go into his financial status or what the past issues were. Just state what you would like going forward and stick to that. Don't let the argument devolve into old bits and history. 

As a sidenote, it's a mild red flag to me if someone is defensive like this. You are always walking on eggshells with this person and I'm not sure how happy you'll be in the long run with him. Leave this for later because the issue now is just to reclaim your space if that's what you choose.

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

it's a mild red flag to me if someone is defensive like this.

Yes! He gets very defensive and jumps to conclusions before I can even make my point. If I ask if he’s still looking for an apartment, I’m referring to the agreement we made, not necessarily wanting him out. We had a plan and as a fully grown adult, I expected him to follow through with that. Not just stay here because it’s convenient for him right now. And the fact that I’m paying the bills makes it no better because it’s like why are you here if you’re not gonna help alleviate some of the expenses that YOU HELP accrue at this point? Granted, he doesn’t make as much as I do but I’m not asking for anything outrageous. He makes about $400 weekly and he has a car note but SO DO I! And that’s in addition to all other household bills. As I said, the WiFi bill is $60 monthly and he doesn’t even offer to take that off my hands at the very least. I don’t want to paint a bad pic of him because he is really sweet and helpful. He cooks for me, writes me letters, buys random flowers, take me out. We do enjoy eachother. It’s just these things that I can’t really get over.

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It sounds as if rather than focusing on your own well being and more importantly the welfare of your child, you're biggest fear is losing this guy.  He knows you won't let go, and he's taking full advantage of that.  I'm sorry, but he has no respect for you, simply because you're presenting yourself as someone who doesn't deserve respect, (imo).

It's time to up your value, and focus on making this about you and your child.  Wish him well, and tell him not to hit the door on his way out.

 

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He is mooching. It doesn't have to be malicious - he's an adult, he knew when he asked that his motive was financial.  So he knew that he would be depending on you financially at least for a month.  A month -ok - you offered, I get it.  One day later any self-respecting person would have either moved out or been honest with you that he still had these difficulties and proactively work out a plan to split the bills or contribute as best he could.  He didn't. His silence shows he is mooching and knows it full well.  

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52 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Yes! He gets very defensive and jumps to conclusions before I can even make my point. If I ask if he’s still looking for an apartment, I’m referring to the agreement we made, not necessarily wanting him out. We had a plan and as a fully grown adult, I expected him to follow through with that. Not just stay here because it’s convenient for him right now. And the fact that I’m paying the bills makes it no better because it’s like why are you here if you’re not gonna help alleviate some of the expenses that YOU HELP accrue at this point? Granted, he doesn’t make as much as I do but I’m not asking for anything outrageous. He makes about $400 weekly and he has a car note but SO DO I! And that’s in addition to all other household bills. As I said, the WiFi bill is $60 monthly and he doesn’t even offer to take that off my hands at the very least. I don’t want to paint a bad pic of him because he is really sweet and helpful. He cooks for me, writes me letters, buys random flowers, take me out. We do enjoy eachother. It’s just these things that I can’t really get over.

Be very vocal about what you want. You drop hints here and there but it's not enough. Tell him to leave if he's making you this uncomfortable. He has overstayed his welcome and your home is starting to not feel like home any longer.

 

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15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

self-respecting person would have either moved out or been honest with you that he still had these difficulties and proactively work out a plan to split the bills or contribute as best he could.  He didn't

Exactly! I think I’m more pissed of about the fact that he’s just letting months go by without even mentioning that he acknowledges that we had an agreement. I think he feels like he doesn’t have to since we’re together. But regardless of that, I’m still my own individual person with boundaries and I expect you to respect that. I mean day to day we enjoy each other. We have fun. He’s a good guy! You would never assume anything if you were to see us together. It’s just this lingering issue in my head because he obviously has forgotten about the whole agreement and I don’t want to be disregarded just because we’re a couple. We’re not married and not obligated to live together. I never got to prepeare mentally for the move-in. I never got to sit and weigh all pros and cons and really consider things. I kinda had to get ready over-night. And I just can’t help but feel bitter about it.

 

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Moochers have wonderful traits too. I had a friend for a decade. She gave the warmest hugs, like you were so special to her. Asked all about your family and yourself and seemed truly interested. Was a fun travel buddy. But I also saw how she manipulated people to do her bidding, including myself. I didn't mind helping her edit something for her work, and would've done it without compensation, even though it took me an hour and a half. But when she mentioned she'd take me to lunch and that never happened, it struck me as really uncaring because if told someone I'd take them to lunch, I'd damn well do it.

In the last year we were friends, the only 3 times she asked to get together was for favors. I granted one for the benefit of her child. I rejected the last two and never heard from her again.

I thought you'd been together a year. Guys like this, who can't manage themselves, seek out independent women just like yourself because it's something missing in themselves and they NEED you. Far different than someone who WANTS you. Of course he does some wonderful things for you. Because otherwise, he'd fear being booted out of his cushy shelter.

He's manipulating you, cutting you off when the talks get to a point where he knows the free ride is over. 

Being too nice when it isn't in your best interest is your downfall. I'd find someone who wants you for your company. Not because he'd be homeless without you.

 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I mentioned something to him once before just trying to see where his head was. But I didn’t want to come off harsh so I said “are you still looking for an apartment? I haven’t heard you say anything about it in a while” he immediately got offended and thought that I wanted him out. We hadn’t even gotten to the part about still being together because he instantly got upset about me even asking that much.

Of  course, he wouldn't get to freeload off of anyone anymore.  He has a sweet deal!

How did he get himself in such debt?  Where would he have gone if you hadn't been dating?

Edited by Hollyj
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3 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

It sounds as if rather than focusing on your own well being and more importantly the welfare of your child, you're biggest fear is losing this guy.  He knows you won't let go, and he's taking full advantage of that.  I'm sorry, but he has no respect for you, simply because you're presenting yourself as someone who doesn't deserve respect, (imo).

It's time to up your value, and focus on making this about you and your child.  Wish him well, and tell him not to hit the door on his way out.

^ I second this entire post above.  Your focus should be on yourself and your child - not a moocher.  Seems he has zero intentions of moving out because he has such a good deal going for himself. Your child comes first.

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If you're afraid to have this conversation with him, what does that say about your relationship? 

Fear has no place in a love relationship. 

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9 hours ago, MonaLisa95 said:

To be honest, I don’t think he’s mooching

MonaLisa...that is exactly what he is doing. 

You need to see reality here. Where is all his money going if he's working and not paying any rent or bills? What is he spending it on, and how did wind up so far behind on his bills in the first place?

He doesn't care as much about you as you think. If he did, he would not put you in this position to begin with, and would be doing a lot more to pull his weight and not leaving it up to you all by yourself.  His behaviour here is incredibly immature and self-centred. This dude is not the catch you thought he was. 

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