One of my best friends that i've known for 8 years is emotionally abusive towards his girlfriend and it's affecting our friend group.

[Lemonsoos]

 Hi to everyone reading this post! I really need some advice with this. I have been friends with this guy for over 8 years now since we were in highschool and we all were 14. We know his girlfriend quite well and she became a part of our group since he has been with her for over 4 years now and she has been really opening up to us for over a year because she was shy before. I became good friends with her since her and me have alot in common.

It began like small fights they had in our discord voice chat. Little arguments about stupid stuff one person said and the other person took it the wrong way. He would stay mad for a bit but not long and the rest of our friend group and me wouldn't say much about it. But then the arguments started to be like fights. He got really passive agressive with her while she would not be doing anything wrong. For example: they would be playing a game and she would laugh about him dying or something and he would get mad and start degrading her. That's when she started sending me DMs. I got alot of DMs of her asking for help because he was getting mad again. 2 months ago she send me a message to ask if I could come into the voice chat because he was so mad and was screaming at her, so I did and when I came in the call the just instantly shut up and left the call. I got so many DMs after that with her showing their text messages, it felt so wrong that she was showing me all these private messages and I of course just wanted to help her but I felt like I wasn't supposed to read those. She said she needed someone to talk to and vent because she had nobody else and I know how that feels so I did not want to abandon her just like that, she had become a very good friend of me.

One day their fight went so far that I just stepped in, I know not the smartest thing. She was crying and telling me she was scared and I got so mad at him for doing that to her that I confronted him. My boyfriend (20M) was with me, he is a part of our friend group too so he knows, but let me tell you, my boyfriend is straight up with people and just tells his honest feeling and thoughts to them, and when he doesn't like something he will just say it. Back to the confrontation, we told him that we as his friends just wanted to confront him in a normal way and if he and his girlfriend were fighting they should take it elsewhere or he should just go calm down if he was gonna get mad anyway and not ruin the vibes we have in our voice chat. But our friend did not take it well. He went to his girlfriend and started blaming her for everything we tried to reason with him again but it ended with them breaking up and him stepping out of our friendgroup. Then he started to say he was going to kill himself because nobody loved him. So all of us started sending him messages to tell him we care about him and we just want him to get some help with himself, we didn't do it out of hate but just to make him realise something. He told us he was gonna try his best.

3 days went by and then he send my boyfriend a message that he finally knew what was wrong and he said his behaviour was like that because my boyfriend and him did not have a good friendship anymore. So he just said him and my boyfriend should talk it out. This was really weird, my boyfriend did get kinda mad at him when we were doing the confrontation but he apologized after that. Also he was back together with his girlfriend and she was denying that she ever asked for help and was saying that she wasn't allowed to talk to us anymore. And the worst was she wasn't allowed to send me Dms anymore. I understood why, my friend was obviously hurt that she send their private messages but no contact? really? But we were so tired of all the fighting so we stupidly forgave him and he came back to our group. Now he had told us he was going to get better and went to therapy. But then he came into a depression. He was talking with us about it every day and he said he just felt really depressed and he didn't know why. We talked with him about it and just tried to support him best we could and he kept going to therapy. He seemed better after some days but he was at it again with his girlfriend. It wasn't as bad as before and she started to message me their Dms again because she has nobody else but him, she asked for help again twice. I thought it wasn't gonna get worse but I was wrong.

Some days ago it got worse, so my friend is in another group with friends of him he has known for over a year. It's a group were they make fun of older people or they laugh at how they struggle to post on Facebook, the old people making posts about how they are fans of singers or actors,etc.. and mind you those older people are disabled most of the time, some of them have severe autism which is not really a laughing matter. They see laughing with those old people as wholesome fun but it's mostly cringe and a waste of time. Today our group and me were laughing about that group he is in and laughing about how cringe it is that they laugh with people. He was laughing with us. We have laughed about this group before so this was not something new. But when he left the call *** went down. He send a message to his girlfriend extremely mad that she was laughing with us and that he was dissapointed in all of us. Then he proceeded to get jealous that his girlfriend laughed with a joke MY boyfriend made. And then he blamed my boyfriend for making everyone laugh about his weird group. He was saying my boyfriend was laughing at his other friends and trying to shame them for their looks, which didn't happen, he only made a joke about someones name. So then he just told his girlfriend he wants to choke my boyfriend because he was so mad and that the people in that other group have done more for him than we ever did in 8 years. When I saw that I was hurt. I know that it's not true. We have been there for him since he was 14. So I couldn't believe he would ever say something like that. Not even that he was saying psycho stuff about my boyfriend and getting jealous for no reason. I felt very uncomfortable by that. He send my boyfriend a message about how dissapointed he is in him and that he should never laugh with his friendgroup. Meanwhile he does the same thing but with older people? His girlfriend was crying again and went to bed because she didn't know what to do anymore all she said was that she is sick of it.

Now what he did next is, he told those people he knows from that group everything that happened but twisted the story to make him look better and my boyfriend like a total lunatic. He even slandered his girlfriend to them and send her the messages those people were saying about us and her. His girlfriend told me everything of course but she was having an extreme panick attack that night and did not sleep. Now he is trying to bad talk about all of us but especially about my boyfriend. What do we do? How do we proceed futher? How can I help my friend (his girlfriend) the best in this situation? I want to get her out of this relationship and I want to tell my friend he went too far but I dont know how to do this.

[Wiseman2]

Is there any way to mute both of them from social media and group chats?

This is causing way too much drama and actually it's between them.

Either of them can breakup/leave at any time. They do not need to be rescued from each other.

 It would be best to stop allowing both of them manipulating both you and your BF with inordinate and unnecessary drama.

Do not answer her DMs do not get your BF to talk to him.

 Step away from all this. 

[Lemonsoos]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there any way to mute both of them from social media and group chats?

This is causing way too much drama and actually it's between them.

Either of them can breakup/leave at any time. They do not need to be rescued from each other.

 It would be best to stop allowing both of them manipulating both you and your BF with inordinate and unnecessary drama.

Do not answer her DMs do not get your BF to talk to him.

 Step away from all this. 

Thanks for the advice! And yes there is a way to do that. We were thinking about that. The thing is, we have another group with people form around the world and we game with eachother alot. We game with them every week. They are in that group aswell and we can't avoid them there. Also I can't just give up on his girlfriend because she has nobody else to talk to. If I give up on her now she will be completely alone. 

[Rose Mosse]

It's her choice to end the relationship. You can offer support but you do not step in with someone else's private business or relationship. Her boyfriend is abusive. 

The chats sound very petty, argumentative and full of idle nonsense and gossip. Are you sure these are friends at all?

It would do you and your boyfriend good to step away from them or maybe see if you can partake just a couple hours a day, then mute the conversations. If all you're doing is talking about other people - how they act or what they say, I can't think of anything more shallow than that. Don't perpetuate that hate cycle.

[Lemonsoos]

7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's her choice to end the relationship. You can offer support but you do not step in with someone else's private business or relationship. Her boyfriend is abusive. 

The chats sound very petty, argumentative and full of idle nonsense and gossip. Are you sure these are friends at all?

It would do you and your boyfriend good to step away from them or maybe see if you can partake just a couple hours a day, then mute the conversations. If all you're doing is talking about other people - how they act or what they say, I can't think of anything more shallow than that. Don't perpetuate that hate cycle.

Thanks for the advice! Right now he won't talk to us because my boyfriend hasn't said sorry to him yet. We don't know why he wants my boyfriend to apologize, because he did this to himself. But we will keep distancing ourselves from them for our own health. 

[Rose Mosse]

16 minutes ago, Lemonsoos said:

Thanks for the advice! Right now he won't talk to us because my boyfriend hasn't said sorry to him yet. We don't know why he wants my boyfriend to apologize, because he did this to himself. But we will keep distancing ourselves from them for our own health. 

Whatever is going on under the surface, it's not your boyfriend or your issue. There's a boundary there or establish that and maintain it. Whether you care about someone or not, always consider your own thoughts, life, mental health, well-being. This is the baseline, absolute minimum, to flourish and everyone is entitled to that. 

I'd definitely reconsider this group of people. Hopefully your boyfriend and you find some peace and can game away without the extra hassle.

[Lemonsoos]

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Whatever is going on under the surface, it's not your boyfriend or your issue. There's a boundary there or establish that and maintain it. Whether you care about someone or not, always consider your own thoughts, life, mental health, well-being. This is the baseline, absolute minimum, to flourish and everyone is entitled to that. 

I'd definitely reconsider this group of people. Hopefully your boyfriend and you find some peace and can game away without the extra hassle.

Thank you so much for the kind words and advice! We are trying to put our minds to other stuff and are getting support from some people. We are definitely reconsidering them because a line has been crossed and that can't be ignored. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Lemonsoos said:

He got really passive agressive with her while she would not be doing anything wrong. For example: they would be playing a game and she would laugh about him dying or something and he would get mad and start degrading her.

 

4 hours ago, Lemonsoos said:

2 months ago she send me a message to ask if I could come into the voice chat because he was so mad and was screaming at her, so I did and when I came in the call the just instantly shut up and left the call. I got so many DMs after that with her showing their text messages, it felt so wrong that she was showing me all these private messages and I of course just wanted to help her but I felt like I wasn't supposed to read those.

Why doesn't she just get away from him?  She obviously is disturbed by his behaviour.  She isn't happy with him..

4 hours ago, Lemonsoos said:

He went to his girlfriend and started blaming her for everything we tried to reason with him again but it ended with them breaking up and him stepping out of our friendgroup.

HE is a miserable person.

4 hours ago, Lemonsoos said:

Then he started to say he was going to kill himself because nobody loved him. So all of us started sending him messages to tell him we care about him and we just want him to get some help with himself, we didn't do it out of hate but just to make him realise something.

Okay, he is struggling with some internal issue's.. is venting and he SHOULD seek some prof help... reach out to his Dr, speak of how he is feeling/thinking..etc.

But the way he's 'venting' to everyone & acting to her is NOT acceptable.

4 hours ago, Lemonsoos said:

Also he was back together with his girlfriend and she was denying that she ever asked for help and was saying that she wasn't allowed to talk to us anymore. And the worst was she wasn't allowed to send me Dms anymore.

THIS is a form of control... by all means she CAN msg you.

What to do?  I say enough of it all!

You guys act now.  You tell him you will NOT be dealing with him anymore for how he's been to all of you.

Even his GF.  This is just ruining all of you 😕 

No one needs this.. He is well aware of his behaviour .. So, Unless or until he shapes up, no one will deal with him.

He is doing this to himself.. Insulting & pushing people away.. control, etc.  Just not acceptable!

And.. as for your friend, she needs to get away from him & stay away... He's big time hurting her!

She can go hang with you & her other friends but stay away from him. I would lose it on my brothers if I knew they were like that with their Gf's! 😕 

For her to stick around, is just showing him that she accepts this treatment.  I know you all see this.. and her crying etc.. She knows it as well.

So- get it together and he can go pick on other's... and lose his friends because of this behaviour.

[Tinydance]

I understand it's very hard when you're part of a friendship group and all these dramas are going on, but the best way to preserve your friendships and your sanity is actually to stay out of it. If it was me personally, I'd be thinking do I actually want to be friends with this male friend? If he's suicidal then obviously he's struggling with his mental health and he really needs help. But to be honest he sounds very emotionally unstable and like a jerk. He treats his girlfriend so bad and emotionally abuses her. And the worst part is he does it all right in front of your whole friendship group and makes you all involved. His girlfriend probably needs to dump him, but that would need to be her own decision, it's nothing to do with you.

My advice would actually be to stay as neutral as possible. If his girlfriend sends you messages asking for help, maybe just reply politely that you're sorry she's so upset but you don't really want to get involved and she should try to resolve it herself. I mean, the thing is she is actually choosing to date this guy by her own will. It's not fair to keep dragging you into their problems when she actually has a choice if to stay with him or not. She shouldn't be playing the victim because she's willingly in a relationship with this guy. If she really doesn't like how things are going then she needs to end the relationship. It's inappropriate to drag everyone else into their issues.

This male friend of yours sounds awful to be honest. Laughing at old and disabled people is cruel and also it's really lame. He sounds really immature and not like a nice person basically.

[catfeeder]

On 5/6/2021 at 3:34 PM, Lemonsoos said:

I can't just give up on his girlfriend because she has nobody else to talk to.

Careful about that, because you're likely fueling the fire.

She gets something out of the drama, and your willingness to participate only escalates the whole 'Romeo and Juliet' game where the whole world is against 'them'--the minute your back is turned.

I'd skip that. I also would NOT presume to speak for the whole group. I'd tell each of them in private, should they ASK for my opinion, that I don't want to hear anything about it. Either they can behave themselves in the group, or not, but if not, I'm muting them for peace of mind or I'm otherwise out.

If anyone else from the group wants to tell them the same, they can each do that of their own accord.