Jump to content

Am I being led on?


Jon F
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi all! 

I'm  a UK guy; here because I keep having the same problem with women over and over and now its eating away at me and making me miserable. 

Recently, an old friend got back in contact with me (after 15 years). She is really nice (and single!) so we got talking and arranged to meet (all on social media). She hung off my every word, complimented me ALL the time, loved every single one of my comments and when she told me who her favourite band was, I recorded an acoustic version of one of their songs with me singing! She loved it and sent me messages saying it was the best thing she'd ever heard and so on and couldn't wait to meet again.

We met and everything seemed great but then the messages went from 20 + per day to a couple - and thats only because I got in touch with her first and they were all yes/no/ok mono-syllabic replies like she couldn't be bothered anymore. I was gutted and can't stop messaging her now - just to see if i can get something out of her but no luck.

Was she playing me? Did I disappoint her when we met? Should I ask her outright if she got in touch because she had a fairy-tale love vision of me that didn't match reality or just leave it and carry on being polite? I want to know where I stand and if there's any point carrying on keeping in touch with her. Or am I just overthinking it all?

This has happened 3 (yes 3!) times in the last year - I'm getting sick of feeling like i'm being played and led on and then suffering when they back right off without an explanation : (

I'd love to hear the female perspective on this. And for the record, when we meet no, I'm not coming across as desperate or trying too hard, I just do my best to be nice. 

Thanks guys

J-UK

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dial it back. She's likely disinterested as there wasn't enough chemistry or physical attraction when you met or she realized something about you she wasn't too keen about. Don't take it personally. 

I don't think she's playing you. If you suspect for a second that someone is toying with you, walk away. Don't stay or put up with that.

Do not ask her if she got in touch because she had a fairy-tale love version of you that didn't match reality. This is way too intense. 

Just leave it for now. Give yourself some time to think and get away from the one-word answers. You deserve better conversations than that, even if not with her.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks that makes total sense. I think i'm just disappointed she isn't interested and can't stop wondering 'what if?' which I know is silly really and I HAVE taken it personally. 

I'll back off from messaging her, i don't think she intentionally led me on, but it IS frustrating that she went from messages saying 'I really want to get to know you better' and 'you're such a great guy' etc to nothing at all.

Gutted. But thank you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Jon F said:

She hung off my every word, complimented me ALL the time, loved every single one of my comments and when she told me who her favourite band was, I recorded an acoustic version of one of their songs with me singing! She loved it and sent me messages saying it was the best thing she'd ever heard and so on and couldn't wait to meet again.

Right Jon. That is what I call too much too soon! That over the top stuff of itself is a red flag. 

Don't take it personally. No doubt she is doing the smarmy effusiveness with others on social media. 

Nice and slow is the way to go Jon. 

Look at it this way: you dodged a bullet here IMO. 

Probably a better idea to meet people in real life rather than "online". 

Edited by LaHermes
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

its happened a few times to the point where i'm wondering if the universe is messing with me, again - completely silly but eventually it eats away at you. They all seem to come on strong then back right off, (and I keep falling for it) its torture! 

Thank you for reminding me to get some perspective on it. : )

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Coming on strong is a very bad sign, Jon.   Shows immaturity, silliness, lack of boundaries and insincere..  You wouldn't want such a person in your life anyhow. They tend to be unstable. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

In most cases you have to date a boatload of people before finding a keeper. Basically it's more rare than common to meet someone where you both share: chemistry, dating and life goals, find each other to be good company, and have all your must-haves and zero dealbreakers. A tall order for sure, but you'll eventually get there when you don't give up and keep at it.

After my first marriage ended, I had to go on dates with about 30 men, most ending on the first date, until I met my future husband. One poster on here mentioned upwards of that number.

I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I believe my wise choices were to date within a 45 minute commute to my home, and to cut guys off who didn't ask me out after a few weeks of communication, as I was there to date, not be a pen pal. And everything before an actual date is pure fantasy. Reality hits when you meet, as things often fall apart for one or both, when the person isn't who your imagination conjured.

Believe me, the dating process was often frustrating and upsetting. I wasn't everyone's cup of tea, but that didn't mean there was anything wrong with me. When my future husband met me, he was crazy about me, of course. Just as some guys weren't my cup of tea, but I'm sure they eventually found a woman who could love them as no one else could.

Now that social distancing is becoming less of a problem with many people being vaccinated, if I were you, I'd look into some Meet up groups happening in your area. Look at the site Meet up.com if you've never heard of it. Some are geared to singles groups in your age group who meet up for fun activities like hiking, bar hopping, etc. It's far less stressful than OLD. Take care.

P.S. Don't call people out on fading away. You weren't exclusive. Just walk away yourself as you deserve someone worthy of you.

 

Edited by Andrina
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Coming on strong is a very bad sign, Jon.   Shows immaturity, silliness, lack of boundaries and insincere..  You wouldn't want such a person in your life anyhow. They tend to be unstable. 

 

Now you mention it , she did come across as a bit like a love-sick teenage girl...but then again so did I!! I've deleted my last message to her (which she still hadn't read anyway) and will be nice if she wants to catch up but that's it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In most cases you have to date a boatload of people before finding a keeper. Basically it's more rare than common to meet someone where you both share: chemistry, dating and life goals, find each other to be good company, and have all your must-haves and zero dealbreakers. A tall order for sure, but you'll eventually get there when you don't give up and keep at it.

After my first marriage ended, I had to go on dates with about 30 men, most ending on the first date, until I met my future husband. One poster on here mentioned upwards of that number.

I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I believe my wise choices were to date within a 45 minute commute to my home, and to cut guys off who didn't ask me out after a few weeks of communication, as I was there to date, not be a pen pal. And everything before an actual date is pure fantasy. Reality hits when you meet, as things often fall apart for one or both, when the person isn't who your imagination conjured.

Believe me, the dating process was often frustrating and upsetting. I wasn't everyone's cup of tea, but that didn't mean there was anything wrong with me. When my future husband met me, he was crazy about me, of course. Just as some guys weren't my cup of tea, but I'm sure they eventually found a woman who could love them as no one else could.

Now that social distancing is becoming less of a problems with many people being vaccinated, if I were you, I'd look into some Meet up groups happening in your area. Look at the site Meet up.com if you've never heard of it. Some are geared to singles groups in your age group who meet up for fun activities like hiking, bar hopping, etc. It's far less stressful than OLD. Take care.

 

 

Thanks. I went to meetup for ages, had some successes there but nothing that stuck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suppose, Jon, much depends on exactly what you are seeking, and your expectations, and age group..   Even if MeetUp did not work for you there are many other scenarios (rather than online) where you can meet people. Sports, leisure, associations, the list is endless. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'll be totally honest with you I want to settle down with Mrs Right. I'm 42, going bald (which has destroyed my confidence) so perhaps i need to sort myself out anyway before I drag someone into my life! I just feel like time is running out and all the decent women have been snapped up.

Right, that's enough self pity for one afternoon! im going to go to the gym to get my mind off it.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Come now, Jon.  Geeze, every second man I see these days on and off screen is bald! 

No, all the decent women have not been snapped up. The problem is that there is an abundance of, putting it kindly, air-heads out there.  You've got to get good at sussing them out from the first minute. Yes!

Enjoy your gym workout! 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One day I'm going to buy you a beer! Thank you for the kind words, lovely to hear from a stranger when you're feeling a bit down on your luck.

I'll bounce back. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, Jon F said:

I'll be totally honest with you I want to settle down with Mrs Right. I'm 42, going bald (which has destroyed my confidence) so perhaps i need to sort myself out anyway before I drag someone into my life! I just feel like time is running out and all the decent women have been snapped up.

Right, that's enough self pity for one afternoon! im going to go to the gym to get my mind off it.

You do know that most women find bald men sexy, right? So long as you wear it with pride and confidence rather than a comb over that is.

Other than that, it's not that all the good women are gone, but rather that your own desperation and lack of confidence is pulling you toward toxic ones. The over the top compliments, hot and heavy come on feels good to you because you feel low about yourself. Unfortunately, what burns hot, burns out fast. If you were in a better place, your bs radar would go off the scales and you'd be eliminating those yourself and stay away from them. Good women right now are passing you by because you aren't in a mental space to notice them.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its just a spot on the crown so i'll be honest it is a bit of a comb over. maybe its time for a rethink. About myself and how I view the opposite sex.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't say she's "playing you" as much as she's realized you two don't have as much chemistry in person as she probably imagined. 

These relationships that begin digitally can be very deceiving. A woman's imagination can have her falling in love with a certain version of you that isn't reality. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Jon F said:

Was she playing me? Did I disappoint her when we met?

No, I would not say she was 'playing you'. She agreed to meet up with you after so long.  People change, a lot, in that time, you included.

I've met up with guys I knew from way back when... was I into them?  No.  But didn't mean we can't be 'friends'.

 

3 hours ago, Jon F said:

Should I ask her outright if she got in touch because she had a fairy-tale love vision of me that didn't match reality or just leave it and carry on being polite?

No. Do not even go there!  That's way too much - creepy 😕 

( Not sure why you even think this?)

 

3 hours ago, Jon F said:

This has happened 3 (yes 3!) times in the last year - I'm getting sick of feeling like i'm being played and led on and then suffering when they back right off without an explanation

 

IMO, you are seeing this all wrong- so you're setting yourself up for a fall.

If you want to chat with someone then meet them, just do that.  But don't get thinking, this is it!  This is the one.. She really wants me.

You talk. You meet.  If things continue in a good way & they keep up the interest, ask to continue seeing each other to see IF you mesh.

If you don't you let it go.

But is not good for you to keep thinking this way, that they are leading you on.. to hurt.

Just because someone chats with you & agree's to meet, does not mean they are there to get involved with you.

YOU need to back off with these expectations... seriously.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, I would not say she was 'playing you'. She agreed to meet up with you after so long.  People change, a lot, in that time, you included.

I've met up with guys I knew from way back when... was I into them?  No.  But didn't mean we can't be 'friends'.

 

No. Do not even go there!  That's way too much - creepy 😕 

( Not sure why you even think this?)

Of course I wouldn't do that really - do forgive me anything a bit off i might have said - i was just trying to collect my thoughts at the time : )

 

 

IMO, you are seeing this all wrong- so you're setting yourself up for a fall.

If you want to chat with someone then meet them, just do that.  But don't get thinking, this is it!  This is the one.. She really wants me.

You talk. You meet.  If things continue in a good way & they keep up the interest, ask to continue seeing each other to see IF you mesh.

If you don't you let it go.

But is not good for you to keep thinking this way, that they are leading you on.. to hurt.

Just because someone chats with you & agree's to meet, does not mean they are there to get involved with you.

YOU need to back off with these expectations... seriously.

 

I think you've got it a bit wrong mate, i went in looking to meet up with an old friend - she was the one thinking 'this is it, this is the one'. All i did was let myself fall into the trap. i do agree i should manage expectations though and now let it go so thanks, i will.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Jon F said:

Recently, an old friend got back in contact with me (after 15 years). She is really nice (and single!) so we got talking and arranged to meet (all on social media). She hung off my every word, complimented me ALL the time, loved every single one of my comments and when she told me who her favourite band was, I recorded an acoustic version of one of their songs with me singing! She loved it and sent me messages saying it was the best thing she'd ever heard and so on and couldn't wait to meet again.

We met and everything seemed great but then the messages went from 20 + per day to a couple - and thats only because I got in touch with her first

Okay, so she seemed really into you.... then you met up.

After that all changed?

Yes, been there.  ALL seems great, then we met...

What we think and what is- 

She had no idea how you really were all these years later, until she met up with you.

All she was saying & doing was from one perspective.   it was all online.

You don't know who that person is anymore, especially after that many years.

How you knew each other then, as to nowadays- is a big difference.

 

And, as you said, very few interactions, which was made, by you.

yeah, maybe she had this great feeling & thoughts in her head, as opposed to reality- when you two met again...

Sadly, things went bad.. but is often how it can be this way.

You never really know until you meet and do proper interactions.. She just wasn't feeling it, sorry.

You can still choose to interact with her, but maybe let it go on any expectations with her.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Jon F said:

She hung off my every word, complimented me ALL the time, loved every single one of my comments and when she told me who her favourite band was, I recorded an acoustic version of one of their songs with me singing! She loved it and sent me messages saying it was the best thing she'd ever heard and so on and couldn't wait to meet again.

I still say this reeks of gushing insincerity.  And that would be warning enough for me, at any rate.  That kind of accelerated start-up is a sure red flag.

Yeh. Now that everything is opening up, OP, who knows, maybe we can have that beer.  Bishop's Finger isn't bad. L.

Edited by LaHermes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How about a head shave or buzz cut?  Women are absolutely nuts about men with a head shave or buzz cut. 

And the gym is excellent. Healthy and fit are super attractive.

Do you like sports? How about a coed sports team? Or participate in fitness classes or a boot camp. One friend of mine does those super tough outdoor obstacle course races. Or if sports are not your thing, volunteer work or classes at the local community college. 

I bet you end up meeting your Ms. Right soon, but not as long as you're chasing flakes!

And please stop messaging this woman. She apparently isn't going to respond. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Jon F said:

an old friend got back in contact with me (after 15 years). 

We met and everything seemed great but then the messages went from 20 + per day to a couple

Sorry this happened. Did she contact you? Is she recently divorced/broken up?

Often people come out of the past with an agenda, and it's their agenda, so don't take it personally.

After the flurry of pre catch-up excitement it seems to simply have drifted off.

Perhaps a she's back with an ex, perhaps she's reaching out to old friends for whatever reason, who knows?

In any case don't take it personally that after meeting to catch up she faded out. It's about her flakiness, not you.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

59 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I still say this reeks of gushing insincerity.  And that would be warning enough for me, at any rate.  That kind of accelerated start-up is a sure red flag.

Yeh. Now that everything is opening up, OP, who knows, maybe we can have that beer.  Bishop's Finger isn't bad. L.

yeah man, it feels like it now. the messages are getting further and further apart now ive accepted it wasnt meant to be and just said hi as a friend....no response. the whole thing was a bit weird.

Dammit - thought you were in the US  - might have to buy you that beer for real now haha! Let me know if youre ever in Nottingham!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...