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Broke up with girlfriend, but not sure if it was the right thing


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Hi all

 

i have posted previously about my relationship and posted when I was considering breaking up with my girlfriend. 
 

to recap quickly, I was considering breaking up as we were on different pages and the last couple of months have not been as in to it and giving her as much love back as what she gives me. 
 

I decided to break up with her on the weekend, and it was very upsetting on both parts, and then the next day I felt huge regret and drove to see her and explained I was sorry and wished for it back. After an emotional couple of days we decided it’s best to give each other some space and time to get our heads together and we are meeting up tomorrow evening to sort things one way or another. 
 

She has said I need to be 100% sure it is what I want for her to go back in to it, which is completely fair and understandable. As much as I want to say that to her and tell her I’m 100% I still have a nagging gut feeling that it is not right. I’m not sure if I am just overthinking the whole thing or it is best to go our separate ways? 
 

I know we can be great together but only if I am truly ready to be as loving and in to it as her. 
 

my question is: tomorrow we need to come to some sort of decision on how to proceed as it’s not healthy to go on like we have been. Shall I be completely honest and say I’m not actually 100% sure of what I want right now? Or shall I try again? I know the problem was me and my effort and my loving in the relationship..

 

Thanks all  

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39 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

Shall I be completely honest and say I’m not actually 100% sure of what I want right now?

Yes, be honest. That way you can both decide on what's best.

It's 9 mos. and she's pushing for marriage, moving into your house, etc., and that is too much too soon.

However it doesn't mean you can't be in a a committed relationship.

 She needs to take the extreme fastforward pressure off the table. It's unrealistic.

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Thanks for the response. I feel that if I am honest and say I’m not 100% sure what I want then it will just end with her saying she can’t do this any longer and that will be it

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3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

I was considering breaking up as we were on different pages and the last couple of months have not been as in to it and giving her as much love back as what she gives me. 

 

3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Shall I be completely honest and say I’m not actually 100% sure of what I want right now? Or shall I try again? I know the problem was me and my effort and my loving in the relationship..

You acted for reasons...

Feeling like things just aren't right for you?

If this is it, then you do need to be honest about it.

You say you know it was you... and your effort in the relationship. Of which, I'm sure your lack of, is due to you not feeling like you're totally into her anymore?

Not sure why you said up top 'Not sure if it was right thing to do'.?

BUT, if you are not totally into it, then going your own ways is best... no contact anymore, in order to heal.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

I am truly ready to be as loving and in to it as her. 

This is way too vague.  How would this look specifically?  What would you do differently and are you motivated to do those things?  What does being ready mean?  Ready to take certain actions -just a gut feeling?  If the latter that's kind of shaky ground seeing that you had a different feeling very recently.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

 

You acted for reasons...

Feeling like things just aren't right for you?

If this is it, then you do need to be honest about it.

You say you know it was you... and your effort in the relationship. Of which, I'm sure your lack of, is due to you not feeling like you're totally into her anymore?

Not sure why you said up top 'Not sure if it was right thing to do'.?

BUT, if you are not totally into it, then going your own ways is best... no contact anymore, in order to heal.

That’s very true, I acted with a lack of effort on my part recently as I just was not feeling as in to it. I really wish I could change how I feel and make more effort as I know how happy we have been previously, but is this an impossible task? 

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15 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

That’s very true, I acted with a lack of effort on my part recently as I just was not feeling as in to it. I really wish I could change how I feel and make more effort as I know how happy we have been previously, but is this an impossible task? 

I am not sure?

Not sure how you were lacking... or how to 'change; how you feel.

Only you know this..

Do you feel it's just not there anymore?  Or were there reasons for you to lack in effort?

I don;t see it as 'impossible', but you also need to realize you can only 'fake it' for so long.

 

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58 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I am not sure?

Not sure how you were lacking... or how to 'change; how you feel.

Only you know this..

Do you feel it's just not there anymore?  Or were there reasons for you to lack in effort?

I don;t see it as 'impossible', but you also need to realize you can only 'fake it' for so long.

 

I was lacking effort to make any plans or organise anything really, but it has been extremely busy with work commitments and both living with parents etc. Had a lack of quality time just the two of us so perhaps that’s why feelings have dwindled. 
 

The lack of effort from me is the main reason for the failing relationship as well as her pushiness on some issues such as moving in with me when I finish building my house etc. 
 

I am thinking of giving it another shot, and making a conscious effort to make plans together just the two of us and hopefully my feeling can come back. I haven’t lost t entirely and still love her, but just the spark has gone of late I feel. I am also a massive over thinker.
 

Feel it is better to really give it a proper go now and then if the feelings don’t return as they once were then I know for sure that it isn’t meant to be, rather than just call it off now and perhaps never know. 
 

thanks for your help 

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Ya but are you going to tell

11 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

I

 

Feel it is better to really give it a proper go now and then if the feelings don’t return as they once were then I know for sure that it isn’t meant to be, rather than just call it off now and perhaps never know. 
 

thanks for your help 

Are you going to tell her this^^^^? I bet she wouldn't be on board with it. Do you not think this is selfish on your part? What about her? Is it fair she lives in limbo while you try and make up your mind?

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Yeah, well if you two have been involved a decent amount of time, then try IF you do feel it can actually work.

Every couple has issue's to deal with.  Doesn't always run smoothly.

But, with any uncertainty, I suggest you do not yet even consider her move into your house. Give that much more time...

You do need stability - and to know, for sure that this is all a good thing/ will work.

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31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya but are you going to tell

Are you going to tell her this^^^^? I bet she wouldn't be on board with it. Do you not think this is selfish on your part? What about her? Is it fair she lives in limbo while you try and make up your mind?

Should I just be completely honest and say this to her then? And tell her my feelings aren’t the same as they once were and then see how she wishes to proceed? 

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While I hope through some miracle that both of you work this out, you seem doubtful and that's why it appears all of this is built like a house of cards. 

Like Batya, my questions are leaning more to tangible ways that the relationship improves. If there were questions about her moving in, both of you should talk about this before getting back together. She may not want to wait six months, a year, two years for you to be ready. If that's the case, be prepared to go your separate ways. She has that right to opt out and break up, as do you. 

Similarly she has to be clear with you what she wants or needs to feel like the relationship is progressing or moving forward. 

Getting back together won't mean anything if the past items aren't covered or if both of you aren't satisfied that the relationship is where it's supposed to be for both of you. I hope you can both do that. Go into this more like a business meeting than a discussion about feelings. Find out what your goals are and whether it's realistic for both of you. Yes, you both know you love each other. But is the relationship sustainable long term?

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It's not about passively hoping "feelings come back" - they might, they might not, feelings wane and strengthen - loving is giving.  So if you don't have the desire to give to this person in specific, tangible ways, that's your answer.  Also often the feelings come back just because it's a push-pull situation - the dynamic is all messed up -she's going to be trying to audition for the girlfriend role to "make the feelings come back" and you''re going to see that as clingy or overeager if you're not that into it.  

When my ex-fiancee and I got back together we didn't discuss feelings at all - because that was a given.  Because once we wanted to get back together, once we had our five minute conversation on why we were getting back together -to see if marriage was this time in the cards, because we both wanted to have a family with each other - it was a given that we wanted those things because our hearts were in the right place (as well as our heads).  If he'd said to me "I want us to get back together to see what we feel for each other" - um, no way.  Different to say "I want to be with you and of course I hope that our feelings grow and that we grow together" - because that acknowledges that the feelings are there and of course I would think all couples who see serious potential hope their feelings will grow even stronger, that their commitment and bond will strengthen.

It's not about quality time- it's about those romantic evenings and big plans and also about the inside jokes of daily life even as you're passing each other in the kitchen.  And quality time can feel like pressure.  We hang with each other at the end of the day - I mean yes the TV is on, yes I have a book in my lap, often he's still responding to work emails but we hang -last night we watched an old Carol Burnett skit, a few nights ago we had a healthy intense political convo.  Not planned, not "quality time" -just "kid is asleep/kitchen counters are wiped/my sneakers are by the door for my morning workout so it's time to veg and chat. Or not."  That's intimacy IMHO. (well emotional intimacy - not referring in this description to sex!). 

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Thank you everyone, all taken on board. 
 

I am meeting her this evening so am just going to be completely honest with how I feel, and will see how it goes, it’s the best I can do 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Thank you everyone, all taken on board. 
 

I am meeting her this evening so am just going to be completely honest with how I feel, and will see how it goes, it’s the best I can do 

 

 

Yep, honesty is always best.

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Update: 

 

We were both completely honest with each other about where we think we can improve and both honest about how we have been feeling. We both agreed that we believe we can get back to how we used to be and our best with some effort on both parts so we have decided to give it another go. We also were quite civilised and said that we both need to be happy and that we can’t keep going back in to that same situation. So kind of agreed to give it one last shot, and if we still have major differences in future then we can’t keep going back and forth, we were both happy with this. 
 

Thanks everyone for their advice and help, it helps me a lot to talk and gain people’s different opinions. 

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